Shallow (29 page)

I’m in love with Payton but I’m scared to tell her. I’ve never loved a girl before and it’s scary as hell.

I’m a sitting duck waiting for her to figure out what a son of a bitch I’ve been. When she does, there’s no way she’ll stick around. My mom didn’t so why would I expect her to?

I didn’t mention that psychotic bitch because me and my smart ass mouth took care of her and because I didn’t want to tell you the things she said to me. I think I would have thrown up if I would have felt those words roll off my tongue.

You shouldn’t have been scared to tell me. I loved you, too. I still do.

You're not a son of a bitch.

I didn’t stick around because I couldn’t. And you know why.

June 17th

I don’t like it when Payton’s parents are home. I’m ready for them to go away again.

Me, too, Nick.

June 18th

They’re still here. Go away already.

My, my. Someone was anxious.

June 19th

They still haven’t gone anywhere and I need to see my Payton now. She’s coming to Dad’s banquet with me tomorrow night but that’s still too far away.

I have something special planned so we can have some alone time. It seems like it’s been forever since we were alone.

I’ve decided it’s time to tell her how I feel. I’m terrified like I’m standing on the ledge of a building about to jump and I have no idea if my parachute will open.

My fingers are crossed. I pray she feels the same.

Why were you so scared, you silly boy? I was standing by your side ready to jump with you.

June 20th

Tonight was a total disaster. Thanks a lot, Vivian.

Payton was upset about finding her mom w/ another man. I wanted to make it better for her, but there was nothing I could do. I couldn’t even hold her in my arms because she had to go home to deal with her mama drama.

A child shouldn’t have to deal with a parent’s mess. I guess Payton and I have that much in common.

I didn’t get to tell her I loved her. I hope she already knows.

Payton’s blow up with her mom was enough to send her to her aunt and uncle’s house. I don’t know what this means for her or for us and it scares me.

Oh, Nick. Ignorance can be so bliss.

June 21st

I just spent the most glorious 24 hours of my life with Payton. All I wanted was to be with her and tell her how much I loved her, but she exceeded any expectations I had.

It was her first time to make love. Theoretically, it was my first time, too. I’ve been saving my heart for someone, but I didn’t know who that person was until I met her. She isn’t just another one. She is
THE
one.

Oh, and I saw my mother for the first time in 13 years. It paled in comparison to what I just shared with Payton.

There’s no feeling in the world better than being
THE
one for Nick. It’s really too bad it didn’t last because when it was good, it was
really
good.

Jun 22nd

My mother did something to make Vivian accept our relationship. Sort of. She doesn’t accept us, but she does tolerate us. But it’s ok. I don’t care what my mother did as long as I’m with Payton.

She knows the me no one else on earth knows and I love her for it.

Do I really know the Nick no one else on earth knows? I thought I did, but then our little world came tumbling down and now I don’t think I knew you at all.

June 23rd

I told Payton I wanted to marry her. I do. If she needed me to be something besides a cop, I would do it for her. I would change my entire world just to make her smile.

She must have liked it when I told her I would change my world for her because she took me in the pool house and rocked mine.

I want this girl forever.

I loved that he would change his world for me, so I rocked his and he loved it. So did I.

Even if he would change his world for me, it’s too bad he couldn’t change the past. Getting that girl pregnant and messing with Samantha Hodges ended a beautiful thing.

I closed the journal and put it on my bedside table. Reading Nick’s journal wasn’t accomplishing what Dallas thought it would. Maybe I should stop because it was only causing me more pain.

I finished off my glass of Riesling and stared at the black leather book beside me. It called to me like a siren of the sea. I couldn’t stop now. I’d always wish I had read it all, even if it was painful. I needed the closure.

June 30th

Payton came for her cooking lesson with Ginny today. I may have suggested Ginny teach Payton how to make chicken and dumplings since they are my favorite. It’s only right that my favorite girl know how to cook them for me since I plan on keeping her around forever.

I wanted to be around forever. I wanted to learn how to cook all of your favorite meals, but you ruined that for us. Maybe Samantha can cook your chicken and dumplings for you now.

July 10th

I’ve been thinking about my mother a lot lately but I haven’t told anyone. Not even Payton and I tell her everything. I sort of want to see her again. I love the way she took care of Payton but it hurts me to know she did when she left her own 3 children motherless, only 1 town over.

I might ask Payton to go to her house with me, but it would kill me if she didn’t want to see me. It would be like feeling that fresh pain all over again.

She knows how to get in touch with me. I guess she will if she wants to see me. Then again, she’s known for the last 13 years.

Oh, Nick. I had no idea. I wish you had told me.

July 14th

Dallie is getting so close, so fast to Dane. I’m not sure I like it, but I don’t guess I have much room to say anything after the whirlwind romance between me and Payton. We fell in love in all of what? 2 minutes.

I guess I’m being the overprotective big brother, but it’s my job to worry about my baby sister. Dallie hasn’t had much female influence in her life other than Ginny. Hopefully, that will all be changing since Payton is around so much now.

I’d kill Dane if he got Dallie pregnant.

I guess that’s what Jessie thinks about me.

I’ll be the one to kill Dane if he gets Dallas pregnant.

July 16th

Payton can still scream my name. Really loud. We were in my room and I wasn’t sure when anyone would come home so I put my hand over her mouth.

She bit me. Funny thing about that? I liked it.

The not so funny thing about it? Ginny came in the house and heard us. She knew what we were doing. She waited until Payton was gone to ask me if we were being careful. For future reference: Having the sex talk with your grandmother is not cool. Really.

I’m not telling Payton what Ginny asked me. She would be mortified. She’d probably never want to come back for cooking lessons and I need that girl to know how to cook if I’m keeping her forever. I love good food.

Don’t be so dramatic. It was just a gentle love bite. Maybe.

I liked it, too. And also what you did to make me scream your name. I wish you could do it again.

You’re right. I would have died if I had known Ginny heard us. Good call, Nick.

July 20th

I did the wrong thing to the right girl. Or at least I was told I did.

Today started out great with Payton at my house for her weekly cooking lesson with Ginny. But then the shit hit the fan. And it slung it all over the room.

A girl showed up at my house and told me I had a kid. A one month-old. She never even told me if it was a boy or a girl. I just thought about that.

I didn’t recall ever seeing this girl before in my life, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. It’s not the baby’s fault and I know what it’s like to be thrown away by a parent so I couldn’t do that if this kid was mine.

I didn’t have a choice. I had to tell Payton. I could have lied about it until the DNA test came back. If the kid turned out to not be mine, then she never had to know, but I couldn’t do that to her.

She was devastated and it killed me to see that pain in her eyes.

I know what she was thinking because I was thinking the same. This kid just crushed our dreams.

I could give up any hope of her marrying me if this kid was mine. I could probably give up any hope of that even if it wasn’t. She was scared it would happen again and who was I kidding? It could happen again.

She said she was going to be with someone else so I could know the pain she was feeling. What could I say about it if she did? I’d been with too many to count. An unidentifiable number. Isn’t that what she called it?

She came to find me at the pool hall, but why? Did she come there to pick up somebody or did she come so we could work things out? I don’t guess it matters because Samantha saw her walk in and she jumped in my lap and put her tongue down my throat for Payton to see. Psychotic Bitch. I can only imagine how that must have looked to Payton. She didn’t believe me when I tried to explain. Could I blame her? Then again I was drunk as a skunk. I’m not sure how good of a job I did at explaining.

I don’t really remember what I told her. Something about wanting to put babies inside her seem to ring a bell for some reason. God, that was not the right thing to say to your girlfriend when another girl just showed up on your doorstep claiming to have had your kid. Except Payton wasn’t my girlfriend anymore. She was leaving me over this. And I can’t say I blamed her.

She deserved so much better than me. She now knew me for the son of a bitch I was and she left just like I knew she would.

But here’s the part where we slam on the breaks for what happened next.

The whole thing was bogus. I never met that chick. Samantha fabricated it all, including the part Payton saw in the pool hall, to break us up. And it worked like a charm. And now I have no way of proving any of this to Payton other than my word and that of my 2 drunk buddies.

I’m screwed. I saw the hurt in her eyes.

She’s not going to forgive me for this thing I didn’t do.

Oh, god. He didn’t get that girl pregnant and he didn’t want that psychotic bitch. All of this was her doing and I was blind to all of it because I was so stubborn. He knew I wouldn’t take his word for it. What have I done, Nick?

July 25th

Vivian enjoyed telling me Payton was with Cooper and it broke my heart.

That’s a bold faced lie. I am not with Cooper. I told him we would never get back together. My mother is a total bitch.

July 30th

Dallas says I can’t stay drunk for the rest of my life. I beg to differ.

I, too, have done my fair share of getting drunk since we broke up.

August 1st

My blood is drowning in alcohol. So is my brain. It’s the only way I don’t constantly think about the way I screwed up with the only girl I’ve ever loved.

Oh, Nick. What are you doing to yourself?

August 4th

My dad thinks I need help or something. I do. It’s called Payton Archer.

I’m so sorry for leaving.

August 6th

I’ve got to start classes tomorrow so I’ve decided to smile because it’s the easiest way to hide the pain and I’ll act like losing Payton wasn’t a big deal when it really broke my heart. It’s what everyone wants because it’ll make them feel better.

I’m doing it for them, not me.

Please, smile again. I miss your dimples.

August 7th

These are my own private thoughts and if I’m going to wuss out in this journal, I might as well do a bang up job at it. (That’s one of Payton’s words I love so much.)

I’m hollow without her. I want to beg her back but I know it would be wasted breath. She hates me. But I still love her.

I wish I could just stop loving her the way she stopped loving me but then I hate myself for even having those kind of thoughts. I don’t want to stop loving her.

Writing this down is the only reason I don’t lose my mind entirely. I can’t say these things to anyone.

Jessie says I need to talk to Claire’s mom but I can’t. This is my only way of confessing the way I feel.

I love you, too, Nick. I never stopped even when I thought the worse of you. Please, don’t stop loving me. I was wrong.

August 10th

I got a new tattoo today. I wish I could show it to Payton, but I can’t because she’s not here. And she won’t ever be again.

I will be. And I can’t wait to see your new tattoo. I wish you had described it.

August 15th

I couldn’t shake the need to see my mother again so I called her today. We’re meeting tomorrow. It’s scary, but not near as much as thinking about spending the rest of my life without Payton. God, I miss her.

I didn’t know you saw Tillie. She never mentioned it.

August 16th

I met my mother at a restaurant in Collinsville today. I got to hear her version of how things happened. It wasn’t pretty, but I’m glad to know the truth.