Shadows of Doubt (22 page)

She avoided everyone for the rest of the day, and even took dinner in her room. She hoped they would accept her new position and not expect her to dine with them. She was exhausted from tossing and turning the entire night, stewing over the mess she had made for herself, and hurt at seeing the woman on Mr. Abbott’s arm the night before, not to mention trying to put his kiss out of her mind. She heard a knock on her door and immediately her heart began to pound in her chest. What if it was him? She was not ready to face him yet.

“Miss Lambert? Gwen? It's Lydia. May I come in?”

Gwen rose hastily and removed the chair she had placed under the doorknob and unlocked the door.

“Goodness! Were you expecting an invasion?” she teased.

Gwen flushed. “No, I...”

“I wanted to see what the matter was. I was upstairs with the children last night and missed dinner. Nathaniel informed me that you had moved down here and had taken dinner in your room.” Lydia sat on the bed and patted for Gwen to join her.

“This is where I belong, ma'am.”

Lydia creased her brow with concern. “Do you truly believe that?”
 

“I should never have come.”

“Well, you are here. It does no good to dwell on it now. You need to decide what you want in here,” she put her hand over her heart, “and do your best to attain it.”

“It is not so simple. I've made a mull of it.”

“Are you with child?” Lydia asked bluntly.

Gwen looked up with wide eyes. “I, I don't think so.”

“Have you had relations with a man?”

Gwen continued to look at her with increasing terror. “Is a kiss relations?”

Lydia repressed a smile. “No, dear. You will know.”

“Oh, thank God.” Gwen let out a sigh of relief and began to play with a loose tendril of hair.

“Then you have not mulled it up. I was once in a similar situation, you know.”

“I did not know,” she said with surprise.

“I found myself with child, and Lord Fairmont had gone off with the Army. After six years, I decided to fight for what was best for me and our child. I even followed him to a different continent.”

Tears welled in Gwen’s eyes. Lydia took her hand.

“I do not deserve him. My family is disgraced and I have nothing to offer him.”

“Do you think Mr. Abbott cares for that? He does not need your money, or anyone else's. He is looking for more. He could have had any of those things many times over, had he chosen to do so.”

“You do not think me wanton for following him here? Or does he? And what about the lady on his arm when we arrived?”

“I did not notice a woman. I certainly did not see any ladies. Perhaps you were too tired from the trip and were imaging things. I would not be concerned. As for him thinking you wanton, you are properly chaperoned, my dear. I think your heart led you here, and now you are torturing yourself with doubts. Did he give you cause to think he was not honourable?”

Gwen’s cheeked pinked and she looked down.

“Other than a kiss?”

“I don’t know.”

“Then the choice is yours. From my point of view, and I've known him for years, you hold his heart in your hands.” Lydia rose. “Now let us move you back upstairs where you belong and allow Josie to see to housekeeping duties.”
 

Gwen opened her mouth to protest.

“You can still be useful in other capacities. I will need your help choosing draperies and furnishings for the new wing. And Amelia will be brokenhearted if she cannot have more lessons from you. I understand you are to paint River’s Bend?”

Gwen knew she had been out-manoeuvred so she nodded. She had promised Lady Easton she would make her a painting.

 
“Very good. We will be leaving for church in an hour. Will you be joining us?”

“Yes, of course. Thank you, Lady Fairmont.”

***

Gwen managed to ride in the carriage with the children to Christ's Church in Alexandria. It was a Palladian structure of golden stone which made her unconsciously looked towards Mr. Abbott, who was watching knowingly for her reaction. She could not help but smile appreciatively and longingly at the reminder of her old home. For a brief moment their eyes met, and she was tempted to run into his arms and beg him to take care of her however he saw fit.

“That will land you right at the Pearly Gates, I'm sure,” Gwen muttered to herself.
 

No. He eventually would tire of her, and then what would become of her? She took a deep breath and looked upward towards the church’s tower and beyond to the sky. Something about the sky always re-assured her, and she knew everything would turn out as it ought. She had no idea how, but it was not her place to worry, she tried to remind herself. She had been taken care of so far—even on the days when she’d been down to her last pence and piece of bread. Something had always turned up.

She looked back down when she heard a carriage drive up. One, two, three, four young ladies exited the carriage dressed in their Sunday finest, which was more suited to England's court dress. In a word, extravagantly.

She looked on with curiosity, then repulsion, as one of them stalked towards Mr. Abbott like a hawk swooping in for its prey. Immediately she recognized the lady from the night they arrived. She knew she had not imagined it!
 
Despite herself, she took her in dislike. Her instincts were normally quite astute. Except when it came to herself. She recalled her youthful naivety soon after her father’s fall from grace. Several handsome suitors had paid her lavish attention and had sent her fine gifts. When she'd realised their intentions were not of an honourable nature, she'd been utterly humiliated and demoralised. Her brother had been around to advise her then. Now she had no one she felt like she could turn to, for no one truly understood her position. Lady Fairmont was kind and spoke of similarities...perhaps. But she was close friends with Mr. Abbott. Josie was a kind soul, but she was not caught between classes as Gwen was.

The people were beginning to file into the church with
that woman,
as she now thought of her, still clinging to his arm. She attempted to place herself in a position where she would not have to watch, but she felt her arm being grasped and tucked into his body. She knew it was him without looking. He smelled of lemon and spice and man. Divine.

“You cannot avoid me forever.”

“It would seem not.”

“I will not apologise for kissing you either,” he leaned over and whispered.

“I have not asked it of you.”

“True, but you are angry. And while you are beautiful when you are angry, I prefer our easy friendship as before.”

She wanted that too. But how? She wanted to believe Lady Lydia’s words, but Mr. Abbott’s actions were not supportive of his affection for her, and only her.

“I do not think it possible, Mr. Abbott. Now may we focus on worship?”
 

“May we call a truce first?”

“Certainly.”

As if she would be able to concentrate when he wedged himself up against her in the pew.
She sat stiff and rigid the entire sermon, desperately trying to keep from leaning into him. When the Reverend began by reading Matthew 19:19, her cheeks began to flush with chagrin. Her mind began to wander to the lady across the aisle, and Mr. Abbott’s relationship with her, despite her best efforts to focus. She did not wish to be preached to about loving thy neighbour at that precise moment.
 

 
“Love thy neighbour as thyself. Being civil, doing no harm, taking a meal in times of sickness—these are all admirable traits. But they are not enough, my brethren. No, your heart must match your deeds. Deeds alone are not enough,” the Reverend preached.

“Love as thou lovest thyself. If we all loved our neighbours as we loved our pugs and packs of hounds or our trusty steeds, what a better place the world would be!”

Indeed.

“Love is slow to anger. I do not pretend anger never happens, but be as quick to forgive others as one would forgive oneself.”

Gwen could not forgive herself her own stupidity. Therein lay her problem.
 

“Love does not envy or treat others with disdain. We shall all die and return to dust, the pauper the same as the prince.”

Amen. She hoped the
lady
on the other side of the aisle was listening.

“Love does not judge. Are you yourself without sin? Put yourself in your neighbour’s shoes and ask how you can help him, instead of condemning him.”

Father forgive me
.

 
“If they reject thy love, if your acts of love are only returned with insult, remember ‘tis not them you seek to please.”

Rejected was apt for her love at the moment.

“I challenge you, my friends; treat others as you wish to be treated and you will find the path to happiness.”

Gwen was not sure precisely how she wished to be treated, but
this
was not it.

“And finally, you may love yourself as much as you wish.” This statement drew a chuckle from the crowd. “But remember to love your neighbour equally as much.”

When at last the final hymn was sung Gwen was thankful to escape into the cool autumn air. Mr. Abbott was following closely behind. She stopped and he nearly bumped into her.
 

“May I assist you with something?”

“I wanted to talk more.”

“I do not think this the best place for a tête-à-tête.”

The lady and her mother were making a beeline straight towards them. He stooped towards her and said, “Play along, please.”

“Yoo-hoo, Mr. Abbott!” the odious woman called out from under her equally obnoxious bonnet.

“Good day, Mrs. Bradley.” He bowed to acknowledge the mother. “Miss Bradley.”

“Are you going to introduce us to your guests?”

“This is Miss Gwendolyn Lambert and Lord and Lady Fairmont, some of my family from England.” “Mrs. Bradley and Miss Bradley, our neighbours to the west.”

“Oh!” Mrs. Bradley pressed a hand up to her bountiful bosom. “Such an honour!” She attempted a curtsy to the Fairmonts as if they were royalty. It never failed to amuse Andrew. Unless it was directed at him. “We are having a dinner this week; we would be delighted to introduce you and welcome you to the neighbourhood.”

“You are too kind, ma’am,” Nathaniel replied civilly.

Mrs. Bradley turned her gaze upon Gwen and her face turned shrewish as she examined her from head to toe.

“So this is the much exalted Miss Lambert.”

“Indeed it is.” Andrew stepped closer and took Gwen’s hand.

“You did not appear to be very
enamoured
during church.”

“It would hardly be the place, ma’am,” Gwen could not help from remarking. She was uncertain why she should appear enamoured anyway, but she played along. There was an appreciative gleam on both Lord and Lady Fairmont’s faces, and she had a hard time keeping her own face impassive. She had lost all patience for harpies after her treatment in Bath when her father died. However, the lady’s face indicated she was declaring war.

“Indeed it would not. Good day Mr. Abbott. Lord and Lady Fairmont. Come along, Jenny.”

Jenny followed reluctantly, but looked back longingly several times.

“I do believe you have been snubbed, Miss Lambert,” Andrew remarked amusedly. “I have not managed to achieve such a feat yet.”

“It is quite simple. You have to want to be snubbed. Treat others as you wish to be treated.” With that she turned and walked over to the carriage containing the children and climbed in. She glanced out the window to see Miss Bradley talking to Mr. Abbott again. She leaned forward to listen.

“A lover’s quarrel, Mr. Abbott?”

“That is none of your concern, Miss Bradley.”

“I would appreciate you properly, sir,” she purred, and moved closer placing her hand on his arm.
 

“I’ve no doubt of that, ma’am.” He smiled down at her, the rogue!

Then she boldly pulled him down and kissed him before running back to her carriage. She turned around and smirked at Gwen before the carriage pulled away. Gwen had never considered physically harming anyone before, but if she was ever close enough to
that woman
she would not answer for her actions. She might have to enlist Lady Easton’s methods for world diplomacy. She could definitely foresee sketching that nasty smirk and rearranging it in a more fitting way. Surely God did not mean for her to love the spiteful, hateful Bradleys?

***

“Oh, Andrew, how could you do that to Gwen?” Lydia began chastising him before he had closed the door to the carriage.

He looked to Nathaniel for sympathy but there was none to be had.

Lydia continued, “We are not playing
ton
games here. She is not used to such, and nothing will turn her away faster. Society has not been kind to her and you would do well to remember that. Why did you allow Miss Bradley so close?”
 

“I was being neighbourly?” He shrugged.