Shadows 02 Girl in the Shadows (18 page)

breasts,
"One second," he said, rose, and went to the
bedroom door. "I'm not taking any chances on that
doll." he told me, and closed the door.
I laughed. In the shadows he undressed and
then he prepared and returned to me. I'm going to
make love. I thought, I'm going to make love with a
man willingly. It was funny, but before we began. I
couldn't help wondering if Brenda had ever tried to be
with a man and if that was when she'd been convinced
she'd rather be with a woman.
There was no doubt in my mind that this was Tyler's first time. too. Once again, he was somewhat awkward and clumsy, not sure of whether or not he was hurting me or not. He got excited quickly and it all seemed to be over before it had really begun. I felt terribly disappointed. He realized it and kept
apologizing.
"Just wait," he said. "Give me a few minutes.
I'll be better. It will be better."
I didn't know what to say. I wasn't that sure
about how it was supposed to be anyway. He lay next
to me, talking, telling me about how much he had
looked forward to tonight and being with me. but I
couldn't help feeling he was trying desperately to keep
me interested in him and in us.
"You must think I'm such a fool," he said. He
sounded very angry now and I wasn't sure he was
directing all that anger at himself.
"No, it's all right."
"Sure."
"Really," I said. "I'm fine."
"Maybe we should have the doll in here," he
suddenly suggested.
"What?"
"I don't know. Maybe it adds something." "That's a silly idea. Tyler. Really."
"I'll be right back." he said. rising. He went into
the bathroom and a few minutes later, he returned.
"Let's do it by the book this time," he said.
Had he really studied up on it, read a book on
lovemaking with directions and diagrams?
He sprawled over me, this time not bothering so
much to kiss me. Instead, he lifted my legs and fit
himself comfortably in between them.
"I'll be better," he said. "I'll be better." He entered me slower and then we began to
make love quite differently, with less of a frantic
sense. I closed my eyes and he leaned down to kiss
me.
"Yes," he said. "Yes, this is better. Tell me. Tell
me," he insisted, as if he had to be reassured. "It's better," I said quickly. And it was. I wasn't afraid so much of being like Brenda as
I was of not knowing if I was or if I wasn't. My fear
was
I
would be in some sort of sexual limbo, never
attracted to anyone, never attractive to anyone. Celia, in an intimate moment, once told me she
had been with men in her youth. "I was just never able
to develop any sort of romantic relationship with any
and after a while. I saw them as human dildos," she
added. It was early on during my time with her and Brenda. and I was actually embarrassed to hear these things. I certainly didn't know what to say. She followed it with her short but melodic little laugh and never spoke of it again. I said nothing about it to
Brenda.
I thought about it now, however, and wondered
if what Tyler and I had just done meant we would
have a romantic relationship. Even though it had been
better the second time, so much of what happened
seemed mechanical. He sat back on the bed, still
naked, and said nothing. In the glimmer light of the
candle. I thought he looked very content with himself.
He was almost gloating.
"Neither of us are ever going to forget this," he
said. "for the rest of our lives. I read somewhere that
sexual experiences are the most permanently and
deeply embedded memories a person can have. I can't
imagine someone saying he can't remember having
been with this woman or that or when, can you?" "I guess not," I said.
"Anyway. I'm glad I came up here tonight." That was the closest he came to saying anything
romantic even though he might have planned to say
more because a moment later, we heard a rap on the
bedroom window. I turned and looked to see Rhona's and Skeeter's laughing faces and somewhere within
my chest, my heart bobbed like an apple in a pot. "Jesus!" Tyler cried. He hurriedly covered
himself, but a moment later, their faces were gone. "Who the hell was that? Was that Rhona and
her boyfriend?"
"Yes," I said, and quickly began to dress
myself. "They must
have seen the candlelight
flickering in the window."
"Damn," he muttered, hurrying to get his
clothes on. too. "Who knows how much they saw?
Who knows how long they were standing there?" "What's the difference what they saw and
didn't? I don't care about them," I told him.
"Yes, but they could talk, gossip about us," he
said. "Damn."
Was he worried about me, us, or that his mother
might find out he had snuck up here to be with me? I
wondered,
"Take it easy," I said.
He shoved on his shoes and zipped up his pants.
"I'd better go." he said. hurrying. "I'll see you
tomorrow morning."
He opened the bedroom door and started for the
front, practically charging out of the motor home. "Tyler!" I called to him.
He paused in the dark. "Yes?"
"You could at least say goodnight before you
run out of here."
"Oh. Right. Sorry. Good night," he offered,
glanced at Destiny.
and left.
I blew out the candle.
I was suddenly more comfortable in total
darkness.

"Was it a coincidence or did you and he plan to meet there?"
"We planned it," I said.
"I see. Well, you both have a right to do what

you want," she said. "As far as I knew, you were going over there to organize your things. I knew nothing about Tyler and Rhona was happy to see the surprise on my face. I just don't like it looking like something dirty or sneaky."

I felt so terrible adding to the weight of her troubles and worries.
"I'm sorry.
I
didn't mean it to be either. Tyler was more concerned about anyone knowing than I was," I added, and immediately felt like a tattletale trying to let herself out of trouble by blaming most of it on someone who was with her at the time.
"Uh-huh. Knowing his mother, that doesn't surprise me." she said. She sighed deeply and stood. "I was hoping there would be trust between us."
"There is. I'm sorry." I said, this time nearly shedding tears.
"Rhona just loves jumping all over something like this, not that she has a right to poke an accusing finger at anyone else ever. You just can't give her the opportunity. She was always like that, eager to point to someone else's weaknesses or troubles as a way of diminishing her own. I didn't bring her up that way. She inherited it from some ancestor who was probably hanged as a witch in Salem or more probably one of those who hanged poor women who were accused. I was never like most mothers. lying to herself about her own child. Never trust her, no matter what she tells you. April.'
"I know."
"Well, we'd best go to sleep. Contrary to what I had hoped, it looks like we'll be needing all our strength for the days to come." she said. "Good night."
"Good night and I'm really sorry this
happened."
She lifted her hand but continued on. I watched her walk out of the living room. She climbed the stairs as if she was climbing Mount Everest, Without even knowing her that well, I hated Rhona more than I had ever hated anyone for what she had done. but I hated myself even more tonight for giving her the opportunity to add to Mrs. Westington's grief and worry.
I barely slept, anticipating the coming of morning and whatever else Rhona and Skeeter would do. My conscience was like a hammer pounding at me, pointing out that after all Mrs. Westington had done and wanted to do for me. I had only made her lift and Echo's life more difficult. A number of times during the night. I actually thought to get up, get dressed, take my things, and sneak off before morning came. I truly felt like I didn't belong anywhere. Finally, maybe only an hour or so before the sunlight washed way the darkness. I fell into an exhaustion and slept.
Echo shook me awake to tell me her mother had come home. She had peaked through the slightly open bedroom door and seen her in bed.
"And the dream catcher worked!" she declared with excitement in her face as she signed, "I didn't have any nightmares."
I should have bought one for myself, too, I thought, but said nothing. I told her how happy I was for her. Full of new energy and hope, she urged me to hurry along while she went on to help her
grandmother with breakfast. I moved like a zombie, but got washed and dressed and went downstairs. Mrs. Westington still looked troubled and tired to me, but neither of us said anything more about the events from the night before. What should have been a wondrous, memorable experience for me had become
troublesome and embarrassing. Would I ever have a satisfying romantic experience?
After breakfast I waited outside to greet Tyler before he entered the house so I could warn him about what had happened. With all her work to be done spread out on the desk. Echo was in the office eagerly waiting for him. Trevor had gone to buy some supplies he needed at the lumber company. and Rhona and Skeeter were sleeping late as usual. The moment I saw Tyler's sports car turn into the driveway, I hurried to meet him.
"What?" he said, seeing the look on my face. I told him what Rhona had done and how Mrs. Westington was disappointed in our sneaking around the property.
"I'm sure she made me look disgusting to Mrs. Westington," he said, as if he were the only one in the motor home. "I was afraid that would happen," he added, walking toward the house. "I almost didn't come back to tutor,"
"Didn't come back to tutor? Why not? Echo has nothing to do with what you and I did last night and what happened because of it."
He paused at the steps and turned to me. "Let's pretend it didn't happen." he said.
"What?"
"It's better if we do that." He continued up the steps to the front door. "Better if we put it out of mind."
"But... you said we'd never forget,"
He turned. "We won't, but we don't have to acknowledge it in front of anyone else. This way it's just our word against Rhona's."
"But I already told Mrs. Westington the truth."
"All of it?" he asked, his face twisting with shock.
"Not in detail. but I didn't say it wasn't true that you and I met at the motor home. How could
I
do that?"
He thought for a moment. "Just don't talk about it," he said. "No matter what."
"Don't talk about it? You mean with you as well?"
"Right. Just the way you wouldn't talk about anything else that never happened."
He entered the house and left me standing in my own cold numbness. Just the way you wouldn't talk about anything else that never happened? What did that mean, that whatever had been between us was over already? Was he ashamed of it? What about all that stuff he told me about thinking about me all day and how he couldn't get me out of his mind? He said he was so looking forward to being with me. All that had made me feel so good. How could I pretend it never happened? How could he? When we looked at each other now, would we look at each other the way we did before last night? Had nothing changed between us even after the most intimate act?
I hurried in after him. I knew Mrs. Westington wouldn't bring up anything about it with him. She was far too much of a lady. She greeted him the same way she did every time he had arrived and he acted the same. too. He went right to the office to begin his work with Echo. Mrs. Westington exchanged a quick look with me that more or less said. "Let sleeping dogs lie." and then returned to the kitchen to prepare a salad for lunch. She was roasting a chicken.
However, the peace we hoped to keep in the house was broken almost the moment after Rhona and Skeeter came down. I heard Rhona cry. "Where are the lovers this morning?" She followed it with a laugh. "Still in the motor home? It was rocking so hard. Skeeter and I thought it was an earthquake. Right, Skeeter?"
"I immediately hugged a tree.
^-
he said, and they both laughed hard and loudly.
Mrs. Westington said nothing. She offered them breakfast, but all they wanted, really demanded, was a business meeting with her, as they put it.
"Since we can't use the office because the lovers are there, let's go into the living room. Ma," Rhona said.
I was in the office by now, too. In an attempt to keep myself from thinking about it all. I was reviewing some of the material Tyler had given me for the equivalency exam. He looked up from his work with Echo when we heard Rhona's derogatory remarks and demands.
"I knew this was going to be far more difficult now," he said. The expression on his face convinced me he somehow blamed me.
"Maybe we should go in there. too," I suggested. "We can't let her use us to take advantage of Mrs. Westington."
"It's not our business," he replied. "You're just a guest here and I'm just the tutor. If you or I go in there, we'll only make it worse."
"But last night we said we'd help her and..."
"I told you to forget last night." He turned back to his work with Echo, who didn't know anything unpleasant was happening.
I slammed my book closed and got up. "You're so afraid your mother is going to find out that you don't want to do the right things anymore?"
"Stop it. April," he said without raising his eyes from the page.
"Maybe I will forget last night," I said, "but not for the reasons you have."
I spun around and left the office. I started down the hallway toward the living room and stopped. Was Tyler right? Would I make things worse for Mrs. Westiington if I went in there? I wondered,
Undecided, I stood in the hallway and listened.
"We found the perfect property for our business purposes, Ma, and we need one hundred thousand dollars immediately."
"One hundred thousand dollars? Are you absolutely crazy?"
"No. We can turn that into four hundred thousand in six months, can't we, Skeeter."
"No problem," he said.
"Before I'd invest in anything like this with that kind of money. I'd have my business consultant review it completely. What paperwork do you have?"
"He won't know about this sort of thing," Rhona said.
"Oh, and you would? Please. Rhona, don't act like a child now. Adults don't make such impulsive foolish decisions."
"I'm a child? I make impulsive foolish decisions? Look at you taking in runaways and providing tutors and clothes and who knows what. You have some freeloader in our house, an orphan girl, and it's all right to give her money but deny me? Your own flesh and blood? We need this money, Ma, and we need it now."
"I told you. If you have something to show my business consultant, produce it and we'll see what he thinks."
"Oh, that's ridiculous. I'm not going through all that. I have a right to the money anyway, going to see an attorney today. There'll be courts and judges and all sorts of horrors. You can avoid all this trouble for everyone if you just write the check."
"I'll do no such thing and I won't let my own daughter blackmail me," Mrs. Westington said, I could hear the shrill tone in her voice and the fatigue as well. She needs help. She'll die under such pressure. I thought. Where was Trevor? How could I just stand out there and listen?
I lurched forward and stepped into the living room. Rhona and Skeeter looked up at me.
"Did you want me to help you with lunch today. Mrs. Westington?"
"Did you want me to help you with lunch today. Mrs. Westington?" Rhona mimicked. Then she pointed her right forefinger at me like the barrel of a pistol. "I'm going to report you to the police. You probably ran away from some institution or something and you're setting up a whorehouse in a motor home on our property."
"Rhona!" Mrs. Westington cried.
"Well, she is. Ask her to her face and bring that Chinese kid in here. Let them deny screwing in that trailer. Go on."
"That's enough," Mrs. Westinton said, and stood up sharply and with more energy and strength than I had seen. "I won't have such disgusting things said in my house and especially not in my presence. If you can't behave like a decent adult, a lady, then leave."
Rhona glared at me and then turned to her mother. "We're leaving. Ma. We're going to see an attorney.
I
don't think you're in your right mind anymore, taking in such a tramp and exposing my daughter to such bad influences.''
"What? Exposing your daughter? You accuse me of such a thing when you run off and leave her here without so much as a phone call for nearly ten years!"
"That has nothing to do with what's happening here now. You'll see. When we return, it will be different and that tramp better not be here." she said, rising, g. "C'mon, Skeeter."
"Now wait a minute. There doesn't have to be all this unpleasantness,'" Skeeter said in a calm voice. "I'm sure your mother will change her mind once she hears more about my project. It's being done all over the country these days. Mrs. Westington, and the property values here are skyrocketing. It's not a foolish plan."
"If you're so confident, then you shouldn't be opposed to giving me something to show my business consultant," Mrs. Westington replied, her thin lips now pale and trembling.
"Sure we will," he said. "There's no sense in everyone getting all worked up like this. Relax. Rhona. Let's just take it all a step at a time."
She looked at him as if he was totally crazy and then she shrugged when he narrowed his eyes. "I can wait a little while, I suppose."
"Of course, we can. We just need a little down payment in the meantime so that we can hold on to things. If it doesn't work out, we'll return the deposit. okay?"
Rhona looked up at him quickly and smiled. "Yes," she said. "exactly."
"What sort of down payment?" Mrs.
Westington asked.
"I think we can manage with five thousand dollars. If Rhona here asked you for it to help her along, you'd probably give it to her anyway, wouldn't you. Mrs. Westington?" he added quickly.
"And it would probably be just as bad an investment," she replied.
Skeeter laughed. "Your mother's a tough old broad, all right. She said you were a tough lady, old school, and always unfair when it came to her. Mrs. Westington."
"Rhona thought I was unfair to ask her to brush her teeth every night." Mrs. Westington quipped.
Skeeter laughed. "Well, we're going to see an attorney today for this project. As Rhona says, why don't you consider giving her the deposit money so we can avoid any unpleasantness. No one wants that, but if there is no other choice, no alternative..."
This time he sounded threatening.
"I have choices. Don't tell me I don't have choices."
"Okay, okay, but look. Mrs. Westington, you have enough to deal with here as it is and no one wants to add to that. We're just trying to do something worthwhile. Surely, you don't want to prevent that. That wouldn't be very nice, not very nice at all for you, for Echo, and for us."
Rhona looked at him as if he was brilliant, her hero. How could she permit her own mother to be treated this way? Her own daughter, too?
"I'll give you the five thousand dollars," Mrs. Westington relented, "but I warn you to not waste it. Rhona, because if you need anything, you'll have to take it from that money. I won't be giving you anymore until I see something substantial, some real indication that you've turned a new leaf."
Rhona was about to challenge her. but Skeeter gave her a sign to stay calm.
"That's very kind and reasonable of you, Mrs. Westington. Thank you," he said.
Rhona fumed but turned herself away. "I'll wait outside," she said. "You get the check from her," she told Skeeter. She glared at me on the way out of the rooln. As she passed by, she whispered. "Your days are numbered here. sweetie. Go off with your boyfriend or else.
Mrs. Westington went into the office to write the check. Skeeter followed her and then he and Rhona drove off in their van, both of them laughing.
I
watched from the front window, fuming. I put Mrs. Westington into this difficult position, I thought. It was my fault.
"All I've done is buy some time." Mrs. Westington muttered after she returned to the living room. "I'm only surprised she didn't show up on my doorstep with some other freeloader and make trouble years ago."
"I'm sorry, Mrs. Westington."
"Don't stand there blaming yourself, April. Whether you were here or not, she'd be doing what she's doing. I have no doubts about that."