Shadowborn (27 page)

I curled my fingers until my nails cut into my palms. “No!” I held onto it with every bit of force I had. “I … can’t.”

“Then you’ve already failed.”

Searching deep, I shook myself, a force growing inside me that threatened to consume all in its path. Memories and scenarios played in my mind’s theatre. Liam and his new wife. My mother’s screams as Parthalan killed her. Nix’s disappointment every time I pulled back from him. The way he looked at me as if I were someone else. I did love him, and I had wondered what it would be like to have the simplicity of a life with him.

Guilt spilled into my core.

Too much.
My palms pressed against my temples to stop my skull from splitting apart.

A roar erupted from my mouth. I turned to punch the first available surface, but Laerni wrapped her sinewy arms around my back and held me tight. My sobs came in an endless storm with enough tears to end a drought. Pain rolled through me like thunder from fingertips to toes. Soul twisting and screaming inside my own head, I wailed while Laerni held me.

By the time I could breathe in big, hiccupping gulps again, I had no idea how much time had passed.

“There now,” Laerni cooed. “Are you better now?”

I straightened and backhanded the wetness from my eyes. “I’m sort of … numb, empty, and the knot hurting my gut is gone.” Rubbing at my midsection, I looked up at her. “I don’t understand how this changes anything.”

“That you have come so far in such a short time is astounding. Your mind, which only yesterday was tangled and snarled into an impassible wilderness, has become more like a sparse forest. We need it to be an open plane. What we’ve done is only the beginning. You have more to endure before you’ll be ready.”

I puffed out a breath, my energy returning. “What now? Are you going to throw me into the fireplace or make me do a handstand on a bed of nails?”

Another peal of bells filled the room with her laughter. “You have never failed to overcome physical hardships, Lila Gray. It is the inner sort you most struggle with. Now come, sit down with me again. It’s your turn.”

After a small amount of grumbling, I joined her on the sofa yet again, sinking into the plush surface. “You said you were going to help me understand my people and myself. I get the eye differences now but nothing else. The Unseelie and Seelie are so different now, it’s hard to imagine them ever living as one nation.”

“Just as you deny parts of yourself, so have your people denied parts of themselves.”

I rubbed my aching head. “So … the Unseelie deny their Light and the Seelie, their darkness?”

“Yes. They’ve veered so far away from their balanced nature, most have either forgotten the other element lives within them, or they’ve denied it so completely they believe they’ve somehow vanquished it.”

Warmth licked at my face from the crackling fire as I pondered that. “If what you said about the strong emotions is true, then the Unseelie are more susceptible to passion and hatred—I get that part. What I don’t get is the Seelie. Yes, they’re arrogant and self-righteous, but they don’t seem particularly … happy.”

“And why do you suppose that is?” Her gaze challenged me to solve it on my own.

I fingered my hair back from my forehead and chewed on the curses that brewed in my mouth. We sat in silence as I thought it through. When an idea clicked, I snapped my fingers. “Because without the strong emotions, there are no highs and lows, there’s just existence. They get all caught up in the pomp and circumstance because they’re bored. Maybe that’s why there are so few babies and bonds among the Seelie. Without passion …” I couldn’t think of a way to finish that statement without venturing into pornland, so I shut my mouth.

“Very good.”

A smile slid across my lips at the pride in her voice. It was stupid to get so excited over a discovery that should have been obvious if I’d taken the time to think it through, but I couldn’t help it. “But what does that mean? How do I fix it?”

“Always the practical one. Casiopian knows you well.”

I cocked my head at that one. “Casiopian?” Palm smacked to forehead, I added, “Never mind. I’m guessing that’s Cas’s full name?”

Laerni nodded, her grin never wavering.

“How do you know so much about everything? It makes my head hurt.”

“We are a telepathic race, Lila Gray. To encounter another, even within miles, fills my head with all that he is and all that he wishes to be. In a single moment, I can absorb every memory, every self-doubt and every unachievable fantasy a person has had in his life.”

My cheeks heated when I thought of some of the memories Liam and I had made over the past year.

“Do not be embarrassed.” The backs of her soft fingers brushed the side of my face. “When in his arms, you are most like the woman you wish to be and are meant to be. He makes you feel safe enough to embrace your darkness and hence, your passion.”

“But now Parthalan’s darkness gets in my way. And soon, Liam may not want me … that way.” A flare of anger swept through my core, followed by numbness.
Goddess, why does it have to be this way? Why can’t he fight the old ways like I did?

“Parthalan?” Laerni leaned closer as if trying to stare past my skin. “The only darkness in your soul is that which he set free from within you. No bond can transfer Light or darkness, only connect two minds and, in rare cases, souls.”

My body went slack, and I slumped back on the sofa. “That’s not funny.”

“It is your resistance to your own power that has thrown you so far out of balance. One cannot run from oneself as you have tried to do.”

Arms folded together, I averted my eyes from her to the mesmerizing fire. The darkness was mine all along? Every instinct I had wanted to deny it. If true, that meant I took pleasure in others’ pain, got off on killing the way I did when I snapped Rourke’s neck. “I’m not evil.” It came out as a hoarse whisper. “I don’t want to hurt anyone.”

“No, you are not evil, Lila Gray. Because you suppress your darkness with such force, it builds within you until it finds you weak and rushes out all at once. If you would but set it free to settle into your body as the Goddess intended, you would find such impulses easier to control.”

“I don’t think you understand what it’s like. I feel like I’m holding a pack of tigers on leashes, and if I don’t hold tight enough, they’ll eat me alive and destroy everything they touch. Letting go of that dark power is seductive. It feels good, and it scares the hell out of me. Parthalan let it consume him.” I shook my head. “I’ll never allow that to happen to me, no matter who this energy belongs to.”

“I see.”

I looked askance at her. “What do you see?”

“You’re not ready to accept that it is a part of you and always has been.” Laerni stood with grace, as if her limbs were made of liquid. A frown tugged at her features. “Until you do, you will not be able to call the power necessary to win this war.”

“Power? What power? You keep talking about it as if it’s more than I know about. I already know how to draw energy from others and from the earth. What aren’t you telling me?”

At her move toward the door, I shot to my feet. “Wait! Where are you going? You said I had to endure a task, but you haven’t given me one yet.”

“The last hurdle you must overcome exists within the confines of your own mind, Lila Gray. Be aware of your own emotions and thoughts. Embrace your true nature, and you will know how to reunite your people. And you will know how to defeat Alastair.” She continued to the door and gripped the knob.

“That’s all you’re giving me to go on?” My arms waved wildly around my head. “This is bullshit!”

“Even now your dark side swells and still you push it down.” Sadness cast shadows behind her eyes before she pulled the door open. “I fear for you. For all of us.”

Nearly hyperventilating, I stared after Laerni as she exited and left me more confused than when I came. It would have been exquisite to rip open my well of energy and tear up the room or crumble the tree into a pile of kindling, but I forced it down. If I let it out, I wouldn’t be able to control it. I might hurt someone. The more I used the power, the more I’d want to use it. That slippery road would lead me to where Parthalan splattered to his death at rock bottom.

Still off kilter from the intense psychotherapy session, I stepped out of the tree house and into the town square. The rest of my company sat around the edge of the fountain, chatting and laughing.

“At least someone had a good time,” I grumbled as I trudged over to them. At least I could get down to business and find out what the elves knew about the Magi. Hopefully Alogason wouldn’t talk in riddles and bog my already burdened head down even more.

23

All eyes focused on me as I approached the fountain.

“I thought you said she’d look happier when she came back,” Nix said in a sweeter tone than his tight jaw would have predicted.

“Lighter, not happier. There is a difference.” Alogason turned from me to Laerni, the changing of his expression betraying whatever unspoken communication they shared. “You have made some progress, but still, there is work to be done.”

My hands dug into my pockets so I wouldn’t smack his beautiful head. “So she tells me.” I shrugged, not willing to entertain another round with either of them on that subject. “What do you know about the Magi?”

Alogason glanced at Cas, who raised his shoulder and said, “Told you she wouldn’t waste any time getting to the down and dirty.”

“This isn’t a joke!” I blurted. “How can you be laughing while so many suffer?” While my insides hurt as though they’d been turned inside out.

A red flush crept up Cas’s face. “Sorry, Lila.”

Gallagher climbed to his feet and approached me. “You must forgive us. This place invites relaxation and makes it easy to let our world and the trials you face here slip from our minds.”

“Then this is me reminding you we’re here for a reason.” I poked a finger into his chest. “To find out about the Magi and to find a way to kill Alastair. It’s clear we’re not going to get a useful answer on the latter, so let’s concentrate on the former, shall we?” Bitterness tainted my tone and dragged my voice into something unrecognizable.

Nix stood beside me. My body ached to be held, to have his strength folded around me for a while, but I glowered at him, and he stepped back. Old habits and all that.

The creases in Laerni’s forehead deepened, and she locked gazes with Alogason again.

“Can you please tell us what you know about the Magi so we can go? I need to get out of here.” The mounting disappointment in everyone’s stances, in the way they stared at me, settled a crushing weight on my shoulders.

All of the elves froze, including Galati. Their pale skin drained of more color, leaving it ashen. Gazes darted everywhere but at us, and they edged away as if in unison.

“I fear it will add to your burden, Lila Gray,” Alogason said in his smooth-as-melted-butter voice. He turned toward the dark forest. “That is a matter for another time, one not rife with dangers for you. If you survive the next two days and return, I’ll consider your request.”

I took a determined step toward him, but Gallagher blocked me.

“You’re supposed to be helping us, but all you do is twist up my head like a fucking maze. Now you’re going to send us on our merry way to get wiped out by the Shadowborn?”

“Lila,” Nix and Cas said in unison.

I shoved Gallagher out of the way, heaved Cas up to his feet by his arm and walked with him toward the place where we’d appeared. “Fine. Send us back. I’m done with this useless psycho-babble shit. Waste of my fucking time.” I had an urge to scream,
“What do you want from me? I’m only one person. Why do I have to do everything myself?”,
but I locked the words in my throat. Self-pity was an ugly emotion.

Shoulders slumped forward, Gallagher followed me to the exit.

“Look at them,” I said. “The all-knowing, all-mighty elves are scared shitless of the”—I curled my fingers in air quotes—‘Old Ones’. They’ll help us only so far as it doesn’t risk a well-groomed hair on their perfect heads.”

The hurt radiating from Alogason and Laerni should have bothered me, but it didn’t. The male elf opened his mouth, but his mate gripped his arm, and he halted, giving an indecipherable nod. I took it we’d been about to learn something useful if that infernal mind shrink hadn’t put a stop to it.

A moment later, the landscape spun in my vision, dimmed and blinked out.

Upon materializing in the cold woods where we’d picked up the medallions, Cas doubled over and unloaded his guts onto the snow.

“Pussy.” Nix snorted and raised enough Light to encompass us all, and for the first time, I caught a deep blue tone at the base of it. He seemed to be able to control his hatred of the Unseelie around Liam to a small degree, but what did he have against Cas? Because he was young? Did he view him as lesser, even though they held the same relative rank? Whatever irked him stirred something different inside him.

His darkness.

If Laerni was right, and I did have to awaken whatever part of the fae they’d forsaken, it wouldn’t come to any good, at least not in Nix’s case. I put a hand on Cas’s back to steady him while he straightened.

“That sucked.” He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.

“I’m glad it’s not me puking for once. You okay now?”

He nodded and grinned while Nix glared at him.

“Why don’t you run along and torture somebody.” Nix dismissed him with a flick of his fingers. “We don’t need you here.”

“Can you give us a minute?” I nodded to Cas and Gallagher. Even though my royal aide didn’t care much for the Unseelie either, he seemed more able to be civilized without supervision.

When they’d gone far enough to satisfy me, I threw up my hands. “Really, Nix? With everything that’s going on, you’re stirring up the pot with Cas of all people? He’s the gentlest person I’ve ever met. Tell me why. Are you jealous?”

“Oh, please.” Nix huffed a laugh and glared in the direction the other two had gone. “He’s not worth your concern, Li.”

Stunned, I snorted. “What do you know about his worth? I’ve seen him in action when it counted, and so far he’s never let me down. That’s more than I can say for you right now.” My nod at his disbelieving expression didn’t erase it. “You’re supposed to be my rock, the one who makes my life easier. Why are you relatively cool-headed around Liam and Donovan, but Cas gets you all puffed up like a territorial baboon?” I considered prodding him more about my father, eternally thankful nobody other than Donovan and Liam knew my mother’s mate had been an Unseelie. Had Nix known that little detail, he’d have made the connection between my affection for Donovan and his relationship to me for sure.