Shadow of Hope: Book 4 - Shadow Series (11 page)

Finally, Violet slowly pulled away.  She saw a napkin on the table and used it to wipe her eyes and nose.  “I’m sorry you had to rescue me again, Miles.”

“It’s okay. I’m going to have to report him this time, Violet.  He shouldn’t be around children.”

Violet nodded, still wiping her eyes.  “He covered my mouth when I tried to scream. How did you know to come?”

“Peggy came and got me. “ 

“Sit down,” he said.

Violet sat on the bench, and Miles sat beside her; he kept his arm around her.

“Peggy claims she loves me, but the feeling isn’t mutual. She noticed me keeping my eye on you, and not knowing the whole story, she thought I was watching you because I was still in love with you.  So she thought that if she could get you and Gavin back together, she’d have me all to herself.  Silly girl.  Anyway, she peeked in to make sure you two were making up, and she saw him attacking you.  Mischievous as Peggy is, this wasn’t what she’d planned.  She got scared, and ran to get me.”

“I’m not sure if I should scold Peggy or thank her,” Violet said.

“Listen, Violet,” he said, seriously, “we have to see the children off tomorrow after breakfast.  You have to hold together at least until then. Can you do that?” Miles smoothed her hair as he spoke.

Violet nodded. 

“I’ll walk you to your tent.  We’ll talk more after the children leave tomorrow,” he said guiding her back with his hand on her back. 

“What about Gavin?” she asked.

“I’ll take care of him right now,” he said. “Don’t worry.”

After the last child had been picked up, the men from the various churches arrived to take the tents down.  Violet stood in the shelter, wondering where Gavin and Miles could be.  Neither had showed up that morning, and Carl had to manage all three of the boys groups. 

Peggy approached Violet, “I’m sorry, Violet.  I never thought—”

Violet smiled.  “I understand why you did what you did, and if it weren’t for you, I’d hate to think what I’d be going through this morning.” She shivered.

“I’m also the one who talked Miles into being seen with me.  I’ve liked him for a while, and when I heard you two had split, I thought, why not?   I know he wouldn’t have given me the time of day, but when I saw him moping at the park, I got the idea to suggest we pretend to be a couple to make you jealous.  Not only didn’t it work, but I ended up really falling for him.”  Peggy sat down on the bench near Violet. 

“I think you still care for him, and I’ve decided to step out of the picture.  It’s easy—I never even got a kiss from him.  He just isn’t interested in anyone else.  Maybe that’s why I wanted him, because I knew, deep down that it would be a challenge, but my competitive nature made me try.” She shrugged.  “I still have Henry.”

“Henry?”  Violet asked.

“Henry Bannister. He courted me for a while but he’s away at college.”

“I wish you luck with Henry,” Violet said.  “Will he be away long?”

Peggy nodded.  “I like him a lot, but it’s hard to deal with a long distance romance.”

“How well I know that,” Violet said.

“You should know one thing though. Miles suffered horribly when you broke off with him.  I never saw a person grieve so, and I felt so sorry for him.  I think he’s finally starting to get over you, but he swore to me that he’d never let it happen again, so if you still have feelings for him, you have your work cut out for you,” Peggy said. “Well, I hope there are no hard feelings, I’m truly sorry, Violet.” 

“We’re good, Peggy. No hard feelings.”

“I came to camp with Miles. Would it be okay if I drove your wagon home?  I’ll leave it at the church and you can pick it up later,” Peggy said.  “That way, you can ride home with Miles.  You probably have a lot to talk about.”

“Thank you, Peggy—for everything.”

Violet was still sitting in the shelter after the men took the tents down, and prepared the camp for next year by covering the fire pit, cleaning out the outhouses, and locking them.  Soon, even they had gone, and she regretted not riding home with Peggy because she’d just noticed that Miles’s buggy wasn’t even there. 

Suddenly a shiver ran through her body.  What if Gavin was still around, and here she was, alone with no one to hear her scream?  She became frightened by her own thoughts, and started to pace back and forth.  She wrung her hands.  How would she get home?  Could she walk the five and a half miles?  She thought that, however far it was, it was safer than waiting around here, in case Gavin showed up. 

Just as she started the trek home, Miles barreled toward her in his buggy.  He reined in, and jumped down. 

“Sorry. I didn’t realize I was supposed to drive you home until I ran into Peggy at the church,” he said. “I’ll help you up.”

He put his hands on her waist, like he always did when he helped her into the buggy. 

“You were back home?” she asked.

“I was at the church,” Miles said.  “I took Gavin to Martin’s house early this morning—got Martin out of bed.  He told me to meet him at the church, so we waited for him there.  Once Martin got there, I left McKenzie with him.  If Martin thinks he can work with him and help him, fine, otherwise he’ll report his problem to the school council.  So, as I was walking from the church, Peggy was just getting out of your buggy.  She told me she’d switched so I could drive you home.” He jumped up into the driver’s seat. “So now you’re up on what’s been going on.”

“I was scared, Miles,” she said with a shiver.  “I was left all alone here, and wasn’t sure if Gavin might still be lurking around somewhere.”

“I’m truly sorry.  I remembered that you’d driven here yourself, so I figured I’d come back for Peggy.  I didn’t realize you’d be left here alone.”  He reached over and patted her hand.  “I’ll have you home safely in no time.”

“Peggy also apologized for everything,” Miles said.  “I forgave her, of course.  After all, she did save you in the long run, and I think she’s learned a lesson.”

Violet simply smiled.  She wondered where all of this left her and Miles.  He didn’t seem interested in her, except to feel badly for her experience. Had he truly gotten over her, or was he protecting himself against future hurt from her, like Peggy had hinted?  It would be hard for him, she imagined, to ever trust her again with his heart.  How foolish she’d been.

“What will you do if he’s still teaching in the fall?” Miles asked.

“I’m resigning,” she said.

“Oh, really?  What will you do, then?”

“I’m going to run Rose’s business for her.”

“Excellent idea,” he said.  He took his eyes off the road for a second and gave her a smile.  “It will be nice to see you around town again.”

Something Miles said last night kept bothering her.  He’d said, "Peggy thought I was watching you because I was still in love with you." Did that mean he wasn’t in love with her anymore? 

She didn’t deserve him anyway.

Reverend Martin leaned back in his chair and studied the man before him.  He was maybe thirty or close to it, good looking, but his eyes—his eyes told John Martin he was a troubled man.  The bruises on his face made the reverend curious about his difficulty.

“Welcome, Gavin.  Miles Croft has hope that I can help you with a problem. Could you tell me about it?”

“Miles is exaggerating.  I…I…,” Gavin shook his head and then sat with his head in his hands.  “If you’re to help me, I guess I have to be honest.  It goes no further than this room, right?”

“Nothing goes beyond these walls, Gavin.  People come here and tell me all sorts of things.  This is the right place to do that.  The Bible does tell us to confess our sins. James 5: 16 says, ‘Confess your sins to one another that you may be
healed
.’  Now, this is important: it doesn’t say confess to be
forgiven
, it says to be
healed,
which is
a big difference.  I, as a minister of God, cannot forgive your sins, only God can. Confessing to me will not cause your sins to be forgiven, but it will be the first step in your healing.” John Martin smiled.  “It’s my job to help heal, and another reason that I studied psychology—to better help and heal those who confess their sins to me.

“God knew, in his infinite wisdom, that being forgiven doesn’t always heal, people still suffer with their guilt and shame.  It’s my job to help heal, my friend.” John Martin smiled warmly at Gavin in an attempt to give him confidence and trust.

Gavin nodded.  “I grew up in an orphanage because my parents had more children than money.  I was number nineteen and was sent to a Catholic orphanage as a month old infant.  They treated me well enough—gave me food, clothing, Bible studies, but—no love, no physical affection.  This caused me to grow up sensitive to anyone touching me… well not everyone, mostly attractive women, because it’s a physical reaction that I get. 

“I married Sophie, the first girl I ever courted.  Lucky for me, she was not virtuous, so we had relations before marriage, even though I knew it was wrong.  All she had to do is was touch me and I was…crazy.  Luckily, she enjoyed that part of our marriage, so there were no problems.  After she’d had our son, she became ill.  For months afterward she was ill, and we had no intimacy.  It wasn’t too much of a problem, because I was busy teaching, and caring for her.

“Knowing my weakness, I was successful at staying away from any physical contact with women.  I taught school, I went to a Protestant church and gave my life to Christ one night in church, and thought that it would solve my problem.  And for a time, it did—until I met Violet.

“Miles Croft wants to report my behavior to the school council, but my problem never triggers itself there. It’s like the only place where my mind is focused on what I love most—teaching.  Children touching me, does not affect me at all. 

“Violet—she’s beautiful, petite, graceful, and has the sweetest voice and personality.  I fell in love with her, but still kept my physical distance, because I knew that with her, I’d lose any strength I had.  We worked closely together while planning the camp, and I took her to dinner every time I was in Abilene.  I fell hard for her, and put much time and money into the relationship.  I felt that she might want more from the arrangement, but I knew that I just couldn’t. But one night she kissed my cheek, and I nearly lost it.  I prayed as hard as I could and was able to keep myself under control, but decided it was time to propose.  I did, and she refused.  She said she couldn’t marry a man she hadn’t even kissed.  What was I to do?”

John Martin nodded in understanding.

“So one day at the caves, near the camp, I held her hand—it felt so soft, and…well…I felt tempted, but fought it. Then she stumbled, and would have fallen had I not caught her, but in so doing, I touched her bosom. That drove me over the line; I went crazy. It had been years since I’d touched a woman’s bosom, and I couldn't help myself, especially with a woman I loved so ardently.  I scared her pretty badly.  She forgave me, but she isn’t forgetting.

“So now I’m desperate.  I
have
to marry this woman.  I was drawn to her, and when I had her alone the last day at camp, I gave her a chance to say she’d marry me, then, I decided to force her hand,” Gavin hung his head.  “I’m not proud of what I did.  I physically attacked her again.  I held her mouth so she couldn’t scream and wake the whole camp.  I had her on the ground, and I kissed and groped her, but I had no intention of going any further, I swear—I was just trying to get her to agree to marry me.  I told her I’d stop only if she agreed to marry me.  I wouldn’t have gone further—at least I hadn’t planned to. I’m almost sure I wouldn’t have—” He swiped at the tears falling from his eyes.  “I never wanted anyone as much as I wanted Violet.  I thought that marrying her was my only solution. Yet, she refused.

“Well, that’s my problem,” Gavin said as he again rubbed the moisture from his eyes. “So you have before you a monster, a would-be rapist, and a perverted sex maniac—how can you possibly heal me?”

John Martin’s first instinct was to walk around the desk and put his arms around the man, but if he was that sensitive to physical touch, he decided it might not be such a good idea.

“Gavin, I won’t lie to you—your problem is a serious one, and it might take a while to heal, but it can be done.  I think you need to also see a physician who might check your hormone levels; it could be a medical issue.   However, God
can
help you.

“Satan is at work here.  You see, Satan knows each of our weaknesses, and that’s where he attacks us, at our Achilles’ Heel.   Usually the weakness is sex or money, but I suppose there might be others.  Even some ministers fall when Satan attacks them.  Not everyone has the strength and faith to fight Satan.  It seems Satan likes to attack those who are doing something good for God, the most.  He wants to get rid of them by tempting them to do evil things.  The camp—Satan doesn’t want the kids learning about God, so he’s perhaps trying to tempt you into evil to stop the camp.  We need to always wear our armor.

“The first thing we need to work on is the touching.  You need to start getting used to being touched.  Have you any family members who you could have purposely touch you over and over on a daily basis?  This will help you to get used to someone touching you.

“As for the physical urges, that’s something you and only you can fix, and they are mental in origin.  You have to pray for God to help you to fight Satan. He’s the one pushing you to do those things, because I can tell that you are ashamed and sorry for doing them.  Coming here and confessing to me took strength, so I know that you can do it.” 

“I have no family except my son, Timothy,” Gavin said.

“How is your relationship with Timothy?” John asked.

“Not good.  I can’t bring myself to hug him or kiss him, although I knew how much I craved those things as a child, I just can’t bring myself to do them. It feels awkward.”

“Then start with him,” John said.  “Do those things.

“I wish you had a woman relative, but just start with Timothy.  If you could find a woman who you like but you aren’t physically attracted to, maybe you could just tell her enough to allow her to touch your arms, face, and such,” Reverend Martin said.

“There is Trina,” Gavin said.  “She’s a blind woman that lives next door, and I sort of take care of her.  She’s not attractive, but she’s a very nice woman. She might help me.”

“Good! Practice with her.  Maybe tell her about your early upbringing and how because you never had affection as a child, you find it hard to give it to your son, so you need some practice with non-sexual contact.”

“Most importantly,” Martin said, “get right with God.  Confess your sins to Him and ask for forgiveness.  If you are truly sorry—which I think you are—He’ll forgive you, and not only that, your past will be forgotten as if it had never happened.

“
When we give God access to the center of our behavior, He’s ready and available to provide lasting change. Then you must discover how you can partner with Him to stay free. This might involve having a written plan for how to manage the feelings that precede your desire. The Holy Spirit is able to guide you into truth and can bring you the strength, partnered with the tools to navigate your God-given sex drive. God will never give you something you’re not able to manage.”

Gavin stood, wiped his eyes with his handkerchief and said, “Thank you, Reverend.”

“Come back to see me in a month and let me know how you’re doing.  In the meantime, I’ll pray for you, and after our service Sunday, I’ll have the congregation pray for a nameless troubled person.”

Miles knocked on Caleb and Julia’s door.  Julia flung the door open, grabbed him, and hugged him.  Then she said, “Where have you been?  I’ve been to your house several times and you weren’t there.  I went to the bank and you weren’t there, either.”

“I took a week off to work at the camp for kids.  It was a rewarding experience, one I plan to do every year,” he said.

“Well, come on in.  Caleb’s in the sitting room, and I’ll bring in some tea.”

Miles took a seat on the sofa and exchanged warm greetings with Caleb.  “Your sister missed you,” Caleb said.  “She was worried.”

“Why would she worry?  I’m a grown man.”

“Owing to the split up with Violet she thought maybe you’d gone off the deep end, or something,” Caleb said.

“I did go off the deep end.  You, better than anyone, know how much I loved that woman,” Miles said.

“I do know, and I still can’t believe she chose teaching over someone who loves her as much as you do,” he said.

“No!  Not as much as I do—as much as I
did
.  I’m over it, but I’ll tell you one thing—I’ll never, ever, put my heart in that situation ever again.  It’s too painful, Caleb.”

“I met the man she teaches with—McKenzie, is it?  I don’t care for him at all.  He has shifty eyes.”

“Be that as it may, she made the choice,” Miles said.  “But you’re right, he is shifty. I’ve saved her from his physical advances twice now. And I think she’s no longer seeing him, and she’s quitting her job.”

“Physical advances?  What happened?  I’ll kill him!” Caleb said.

“I nearly did, Twice.  But it’s up to her to give you the details, but she’s fine.”

“I’m glad you were at least there for her, then, but did you say she isn’t seeing him anymore?  That’s the best news!  Say, maybe you and she—”

“No!” Miles said firmly.  “Never again.  Truly, Caleb, I couldn’t go through that pain again.  If I opened up my heart to her, and she broke it off again…no, I can’t take that chance.  Besides, if she was that unsure of her love for me, what could possible change her feelings now?  You either love someone or you don’t.”

Julia came in with a tea tray.  “Looks like I came in just in time.  Caleb felt that same way about me once, too.  I had to prove myself.  Sometimes we make mistakes, Miles.  Did she ever say that she never loved you, outright?”

“No, but she did say that she loved me, but she loved her teaching and independence more.”

“Well, there you are,” Caleb said, “the problem has been removed.  She isn’t teaching anymore,” he said.

“I can’t take that chance; I’d rather stay single,” Miles said.

Violet moped around the house.   Knowing Gavin was still out there somewhere scared her.  She feared going out.  She had begun to have nightmares, and she was afraid she would cry out in the night and her mother would question her. She had to find out where Gavin was and what was happening with him, but how?  She didn’t dare tell her mother about the attacks, or anyone else, for that matter. She thought about going to Reverend Martin, but anything that went on between Gavin and Martin would be privileged information, and he wouldn’t be able to tell her anything. There was only one person she could go to and that was Miles.