Seven's Diary (Hers #4.5) (6 page)

I live with a lot of regrets about my life with James when he was here, my biggest one being the fact that I said no to him. I should have said yes, even if I knew it was wrong. And had I known he was sick when he asked me to marry him, I never would have said no. I never would have doubted myself enough to keep my walls up when he needed me the way he did.

But, in the end I would have only been heartbroken from him leaving me, like every other man has ever left me. It is unfair to say. It wasn’t his fault, but grief does funny things to people. There were nights I would cry myself to sleep in his bed, the same bed he died in, blaming him for leaving me alone in this world. I know it was wrong, but to me that is how I felt right then and there.

Abandoned just like poor little Seven James always had been. But I know now that if James had a real choice, he would have moved heaven and Earth to get better instead of leave me. He would have never willingly let me go and trying to tell myself that has always been the key.

Death had never touched me as closely as it had with James. I had never shed a tear over another person. I had never become so connected with someone that I would feel the sense of loss when they were no longer in my life. James changed all of that for me. James White broke me as a woman.

I worked, and I made White-Woods Global my bitch. It wasn’t the walk in the park that James had insisted it would be for me though. People were rude assholes. Men three times my age weren’t comfortable with me calling the shots, and repeatedly tried having me removed from the company with no success. The paperwork James had drawn up with his estate attorney was iron clad. Had he been a witness to what was going on in our boardroom he would have rolled in his grave.

But I continued to truck on, even as these douche biscuits threw every trick in the book my way in hopes that I would fail, or walk away from the company that James had built on his own. To me, letting those old men win would have been the biggest betrayal to James. The only way I could have ever hurt him. And I was determined to never let that happen, under any circumstances.

My life changed in a grand way, and I was unsure of how to deal with it. The grief was often too much for me to handle. I would cry at my desk, or chug back whiskey when no one was looking. Still cursing him for leaving me before I was ready to say goodbye; I made his death all about me, and I think some days I still do. I am a selfish woman.

Ana retired, and I am sure James had set her up for life. I hired an assistant who could deal with my often bi-polar mood swings. Livie would be a saint to me, and care for me in a way I never thought possible. At least care for the Seven James business woman, because I would never let business and pleasure cross again. It was a giant mistake that only left me far more broken than I had been when I met James White. My reputation around the office darkened, but I didn’t care because I am pretty sure during those couple months I was set on self-destructing. I just didn’t know how to handle losing someone of that caliber in my life. Losing Daniel was different. I cared for him, and I thought I loved him. But meeting James and letting him into my life, I learned what true love really was. And I was sure it was a once in a lifetime thing for me. Hell, I am pretty sure a love like we shared is a once in a lifetime thing for anyone.

It was three months to the date that I lost James when a messenger showed up with a letter. No return sender.

My heart stopped when I opened it.

Seven,

Your time for self destruction is over. Shocked?

Didn’t think I knew what you would do once I was gone?

I know you better than you will ever know yourself. So do me a favor, and accomplish everything we had always planned to do together. Go after Alexander Mobile. Go on a fucking vacation for

once. Live your life.

Go back to Swingers & Sinners, because I know you haven’t been there since I gave you this

empire.

Live your life. You only get one.

I love you. I always will.

You were my everything, Seven James.

James

I sat in shock, reading the letter James had sent me from the grave. I should have known he would have thought about everything. His planning was always impeccable.

That was the day I pulled my head out of my ass. Or at least began to. It wasn’t an overnight process, and my god did it require a shit ton of whiskey, but I needed to move on not just for my own well being, but for the greater good of the company. I needed to give it my all, and that is when I realized I had just been treading water in the corporate world since I lost James.

I put James’ penthouse on the market. I couldn’t sleep in a place I knew he died in any longer. It was part of my moving on process. I couldn’t be stuck in the grief anymore. I couldn’t cry myself to sleep in the walls of his home wishing he would come back to me. Praying his bedroom door would open up and he would stroll into the room wearing nothing but his lounge pants. It was over. It all was over and I needed to learn how to live my life without James in it. Just as I had lived before he came into my life and flipped shit upside down.

I didn’t feel like a user or a bought woman anymore. I worked every day of my life and I would continue to do that until I met the same fate that James did. I only hoped that one day I would find a doe eyed business woman I could pass everything onto. Because just like James I knew I would live my life alone. Not miserable though. Happy with the life that I had and the people that I have chosen to let into my circle.

Because there would never be another man I could love the way I loved James. It was a gift that I would forever cherish, one of those romances that could never be topped. He broke my walls down and when he was lowered into the ground, whatever I had left of a heart went with him.

They say death changes people.

And they are right.

The life and death of James White changed me.

But for once, another person in my life had changed me into a better person.

It wasn’t a pretty woman story.

It wasn’t a prince charming story.

It was the Seven Fuckin’ James story, and I would live my life just as he begged me to do from his grave.

When James died, Seven Fuckin’ James was born. I traded in the lame ass-hippy middle name my parents gave me at birth and just decided to add fuck to my name. Why not? It was one of my favorite words in the English language. If I could have legally changed my name without problems from the government, I would have done it.

The kick ass business woman that James had created was re-born. When I walked into the office, I commanded respect from everyone in my wake. When I spoke in the boardroom, everyone paused and watched with awe. Women at White-Woods Global wanted to be me. And the men, well they just wanted to fuck me. But, that would never happen because after the discreet relationship I carried on with James for the short time we had together, I made a strict rule about office romance.

To the point where I demanded the Human Resource department to re-work the company fraternization policy only excluding married or existing couples within the company.

Changes were born. Companies were swallowed whole. And in the wake of my decisions as a CEO the company made a lot of fuckin’ money. I’m not talking your child’s play millions. I am talking billions of dollars. I worked hard proving that I belonged in the office James left behind when he passed.

I often imagined him smiling down on me from whatever cloud he now called home. Happy I finally got my shit together and started doing exactly what he trained me to do for the years we spent together. I would talk to him when I was alone in my office, which was the office he worked in. Talk to him like he was actually there, and my God sometimes I swear he answered me. I didn’t need him physically here with me to give advice to me sometimes. He was still very much with me in the ways that mattered most.

Work became my obsession, leaving my need for sexual domination on the back burner. But you know what they say about all work and no play? I was becoming irritable, and had an itch I needed scratched. Something Star couldn’t always be there for.

Speaking of Star, our friendship remained status quo. She was jet setting all over the country for porn shoots. I couldn’t blame her, the money was too good for her to ignore. When they say the porn industry isn’t glamorous for most people, Star became the exception to that rule. She donned the cover of Playboy, Hustler, and Maxim. We were two ordinary women that fell into extraordinary lives. Somehow saved from the shitty upbringing we suffered, only to make the world our bitches. I would never tell her that I was proud of her, just because that wasn’t the relationship we had. But, I was.

We spent a lot of time alone, and when I finally decided I really needed to let off some steam, the only option I had was Sinners and Swingers. Around that time, I also became a whore.

But I don’t say that as a bad thing.

I actually am proud of the whore I became.

Because it was exactly what I wanted to do.

I worked during the day, and took on my Mistress Marilyn persona every evening. Spending at least four nights a week at the club having my pick of the litter when it came to willing subs. Men, women, they all wanted to be in a private room with me. Even the club owner Master Vince made passes at me, but I wasn’t interested in another Master. I was only interested in being the Master.

“Which one tonight?” Star asks across the table as my vision continues to scan the room, looking for the perfect lay for the night. I wanted something new, someone new. Maybe I was becoming picky, or maybe Vince just needed to get off his ass and go through the stack of new applications so I could have some God damn fresh meat considering I was beginning to be tempted to go outside the walls of the club.

“Not sure yet. No one has caught my eye… yet.”

Star laughs at me as she mingles through the crowd on her way to the bar. And that is when they caught my eye. Yes, I said they, two men roughly around my age about thirty feet in front of me. Guy one had on a backwards baseball cap like he was fresh out of the frat house. The only thing he was missing was a red solo cup in his hand and a stupid graphic t-shirt that said something about his dick. I shook my head thinking how much he reminded me of Daniel and all the frat asshats like him. The other had to be gay, maybe bi-sexual, definitely in touch with his feminine side. Maybe just a little too metrosexual for his own good. His dark hair was highlighted, and his smile belonged in a toothpaste ad.

As I noticed them, they both noticed me. There was no need for me to get up, because a simple nod had them both moving in my direction. It wouldn’t be long before they were eating out of the palm of my hand. I had found my prey for the night.

“Gentlemen…” I said as both men stepped up, and immediately kneeled in front of me. It pleased me to know they both knew the rules when it came to a Mistress of my club fame.

“Good boys, you know the rules already. I like that.” I tried not to smile. I wouldn’t want them to think there was anything more to this than just a little fun for the night. I’ve made that mistake in the past, and damn if the clingers aren’t annoying.

“Names and interests boys…”

“Caleb, I’m a top. That is Jonathan, he is my sub.” The frat boy lookalike stakes his claim to the pretty boy and it all makes sense now. Kinky little fuckers who have a trust fund that is the only way their type could get inside these doors. I wanted to laugh and dismiss them from me, but there really weren’t any other prospects for the evening and I had a clear itch that needed to be scratched.

“Well you know, the only person topping anyone is me if I show any kind of interest in either of you boys. I don’t play sub to twinks like you.” The boys look at each other, as if coming to some kind of silent agreement.

“Well, we are both bi, I guess we could have a little fun with you.” The sub speaks without permission and I try to shrug it off.