Selby's Stardom (3 page)

‘I suppose you're right,' Mrs Trifle sighed. ‘Now come along with me. Let's go goodies shopping.'

Minutes later the Trifles had driven away and Selby was standing on his hind legs looking at the lamp.

‘Mrs Trifle is right,' he said to himself. ‘This lamp could be pretty if it wasn't for that spot on the side. I wonder if I can get rid of it. It's the least I can do since the Trifles are out buying yummy food for me.'

Selby picked up a rag and started polishing the side of the lamp. He polished for a minute and could see no difference.

‘Dr Trifle was right,' he said. ‘This thing will never come off. Oh, I do wish I could get rid of it.'

And as he polished harder, he became aware of a strange humming in the air. The humming grew louder and louder and the lamp began to glow and shake violently.

‘What's this? What's happening?' he said.

Smoke poured from the lamp's spout and spiralled up into the middle of the room. Selby watched as it formed itself into the figure of a man. His arms were folded and he wore a turban. Selby froze in amazement.

‘I am the genie of the lamp,' the genie announced, ‘and I have come to grant you three wishes.'

‘You're — you're not a trick are you?' Selby stammered.

‘No, Master, I am a real genie and I am your humble servant. Your wish is my command.'

With this, the genie pointed to the spot on the side of the lamp and, as he did, there was a sudden
zap!
and the spot was gone.

‘You now have two wishes left,' the genie said.

‘Two?' Selby said, looking carefully at the lamp and finding no trace of the spot. ‘Didn't you say three?'

‘Yes, but you wished that the spot was gone, Master.'

‘But wait a minute, I said that before you came out of the lamp.'

‘I beg your pardon, Sir, but I was on my way when you wished it so it still counts. Perhaps you should have waited until I arrived to start wishing.'

‘Arrived? But I didn't know you were coming.'

‘I am terribly sorry but there's nothing I can do now. I would just advise you to use your remaining wishes wisely. What will your second wish be, Master?'

Selby remembered a genie in a lamp story he'd seen on TV.

‘Okay, here's my next wish,' he said. ‘I wish that every wish I ever wish, for the rest of my life, will come true'

The genie laughed politely and then said, ‘That's what we call a
multiple
wish and I'm afraid that multiple wishes are against the rules.'

‘There are rules?'

‘Yes, there are rules,' the genie sighed. He took a scroll out from his belt and unrolled part of it. ‘Wish Rule Section 3, Article 34A: “The wisher shall be confined to a single wish at any one wishing.”'

‘What are you?' Selby asked. ‘A genie or a lawyer?'

‘I'm a genie who knows the rules, Master. What will your second wish be?'

‘I only wish I hadn't wished that one about getting rid of the spot,' Selby mumbled. ‘Okay now —?'

‘Your wish is my command,' the genie announced.

Zap!

Suddenly, the spot reappeared on the lamp. Selby looked at it and then at the genie.

‘Does this mean that I have all three wishes again?'

‘No, of course not.'

‘Why not? I just said that I wished I hadn't wished that. So I unwished a wish.'

The genie unrolled the scroll again.

‘Section 6, Article 29, as amended states: “The wishing to undo any wish that has
hitherto been granted shall be deemed a wish in itself.”'

‘I beg your pardon?'

‘There's no such thing as unwishing,' the genie said. ‘Would you please use your third and last wish and this time I'd recommend that you do it wisely, Master.'

Selby looked at the genie.

‘You sound very much like a certain princess I met once. She had a wishing ring
… oh, never mind,' Selby said. ‘I've got it. I wish for all three wishes back.'

‘Section 2, Subsection 24, Article 3, Clause 1,' The genie sighed. ‘“The restoration of wishes shall not be the subject of a wish itself.” You really don't know what to wish for, do you, Master?'

Selby paced around the floor for a moment.

‘What do people usually ask for?' he asked.

‘Anything. A donkey, for example.'

‘Someone wished for a donkey?'

‘Yes, but that was many many years ago. You'd probably prefer a fast sports car.'

‘Okay, give me a dozen of them,' Selby said. ‘All different colours.'

‘Section 1, Article 2: “Each item wished for constitutes one wish.” Do you want a sports car?'

‘No,' Selby said, ‘what am I going to do with a sports car? Let's see: a bigger house? No, this one is big enough. How about the Trifles and me being happy forever after? No, that would be three wishes. How about just me being happy? No, that wouldn't be fair. Besides, I'm happy enough. How about …'

‘Master, will you please hurry up?'

‘Don't hassle me,' Selby said, ‘I'm thinking. Why don't you go back in the lamp and wait till I'm ready?'

‘Is that a wish?'

‘No! Of course it's not a wish! Don't you dare count it as a wish! I didn't say the word “wish”' Selby said. ‘I said, ‘“Why don't you.” ‘

‘Section 4, Article 13, The Synonym Rule —'

‘The
what
rule?'

‘Synonym. A synonym is a word that means the same thing as another word. If you use words like “I want” or “I hope” or “I'd like” instead of “I wish” then they count.'

‘But all I said was “Why don't you?” It's just a question.'

The genie looked at the scroll again.

‘Section 6, Article 6, Rhetorical Questions —'

‘What's that?'

‘That's when you ask a question that isn't really a question,' the genie explained. ‘Like if I said, “Why don't you drop dead?” then I'm not really asking a question at all. What I'm saying is “drop dead”. You said “Why don't I go back in the lamp?” which means “go back in the lamp” and therefore it is a wish so I bid you goodbye.'

The genie started to wave goodbye and swirl back into the lamp.

‘Stop! Come back! This isn't fair! I haven't even got one wish yet! Please, I beg you!'

The genie stopped swirling and then unswirled.

‘All right, Master,' he said. ‘I'll let you get away with it this time. What do you wish?'

Suddenly Selby saw the Trifles' car pull into the driveway.

‘You'd better go back in the lamp — no, wait! That's not a wish. It would be good if you went — no, no.'

‘What are you trying to say?'

‘My owners, the Trifles, are coming home and I don't want them to see you!' Selby said, as he watched the Trifles gather armloads of groceries from the boot of the car.

‘Why not, Master?'

‘Because they don't know that I know how to talk. I'm keeping it a secret, see?'

‘Oh, this could be interesting.'

‘So, if you could just wait inside — that's not a wish! — till they go out again …'

‘Sorry.'

‘Sorry what?' Selby said, watching anxiously as the Trifles approached the front door.

‘Section 1, Article 1: “The genie is only to leave the lamp once every hundred years.” If I go back then it's bye-bye for another hundred years.'

‘But what am I going to do?'

Selby spoke in a loud whisper because at that very moment Dr Trifle's hand was reaching out for the doorknob —

‘Make it quick, Master,' the genie whispered.

‘I don't know what to wish for!' Selby whispered back.

‘What do you really need, Master?'

‘I don't know! That's the point! I can't think of anything.'

The door began began opening and then Dr Trifle stepped back to let Mrs Trifle go ahead because she was carrying more groceries.

‘How about food? Everyone likes food, Master,' the genie said. ‘How about a year's supply of those dog biscuits?'

‘Dog biscuits! That would be the very last thing I'd wish for!' Selby squealed.

‘Your last wish?' the genie said. ‘Your wish is my command.'

‘No, now hang on —'

Zap!

‘Oh no!' Selby screamed silently in his brain as the genie swirled back into the lamp just as the Trifles came into the room. ‘I didn't mean it! Come back! Oh, woe woe woe.'

‘Lots and lots of goodies for us and for you, Selby,' Dr Trifle said, putting a bag on the counter. ‘You're going to love caramel custard ice-cream, and heavenly rich chocolate biscuits, and a lemon layer cake with hundreds and thousands.'

Mrs Trifle put down her bags and went over to the big bag of Dry-Mouth Dog Biscuits.

‘I thought you said this was almost empty?' she said to Dr Trifle.

‘Well, I thought it was,' said Dr Trifle, scratching his head.

‘It's full to the brim. There must be a year's supply in here,' Mrs Trifle said, bending down to pat Selby. ‘I did want to try you out on our sort of food,' she added. ‘But you probably wouldn't like it anyway. Pets prefer pet food, and I know you just love those Dry-Mouth Dog Biscuits.'

‘Oh, woe,' Selby thought, as he lay down to chew unhappily on a dog biscuit. ‘The only thing I wish right now is that that stupid genie had never come out of the lamp!'

I dreamt I woke up very small
Went to the loo and had a fall
Into a giant toilet bowl.
I reached out for the toilet roll
And pulled and pulled and pulled some more
Till there was just an empty core.

I thrashed about but always slipped
My fingers couldn't get a grip.
Even on my tippy toes
The water lapped against my nose!
With lips pressed tight against my teeth
I screamed, ‘Oh thave me! Thave me, pleath!'