Selby's Stardom (14 page)

‘The problem with you,' Dino said, ‘is that you don't know what's good for you — or for the stupid people of Dumsville.'

With this Dino turned and walked away.

‘That dirty guy,' Selby thought. ‘I can't let him get away with that! I don't care what the script says, I'm going to bite that boofhead into next week!'

With this, Selby growled a deep growl that suddenly grew to fierce barking and then took off after Dino.

‘Hey, Selby! Stop it!' Dino yelled.

‘Cut!' the director cried, and Selby came running back to Bonnie, wagging his tail.

‘Hey, that was great!' the director said. ‘It was almost as though Selby knew what was happening. I reckon that dog could act the pants off both of you.'

That afternoon, Bonnie took Selby behind the set to where the stars' trailers were parked. There were three of them: a huge long one that said ‘Bonnie' on the side, another big one that said ‘Dino'., and then a little dog house on wheels that had ‘Selby' painted on the roof.

‘Yours is tiny,' Bonnie said, ‘but don't worry because you're going to be in my trailer with me. You're my dog in the movie so you're going to be my dog here on the set too.'

‘That's sweet of her,' Selby thought.

Selby remembered when he'd first seen Bonnie Blake in the TV soapie
Restless Hearts Aflame. Then
he'd seen her being interviewed in a show called
Your Lucky Stars.
And he saw her again acting in the movie the director had made in Bogusville,
A Binding Friendship.

Selby lay on the lounge in Bonnie's trailer listening to music. Someone delivered a plate of wonderful food and Bonnie gave half of it to Selby.

‘I
am
in Dreamland,' Selby thought. ‘I hope it takes a year to make this movie.'

That evening Bonnie sat next to Selby practising her lines for the next day.

‘What kind of man are you?' she yelled. Then she tried whispering it through clenched teeth. ‘What … kind … of man … are you? Is money all that matters to you?'

‘She sends shivers up my spine just listening to her,' thought Selby.

‘Tomorrow's your big scene,' Bonnie said to Selby. ‘How do you like that, poochipoo? At least you don't have to talk. So you won't get nervous like real actors.'

‘Are you kidding?' Selby thought. ‘I get so nervous that I could wet my pants — if I had pants, that is. I mean, just because I'm a dog doesn't mean that I don't get scared.'

Bonnie turned the page.

‘You killed him!' she yelled.

‘Oh, good, someone gets killed,' Selby thought. ‘This is getting exciting. I wonder who gets it? I hope it's that Dino creep.'

‘You killed my dog, you scum!' Bonnie wailed.

‘Hey,' Selby thought, ‘a dog gets killed. There must be another dog in this film besides me.'

‘You killed my dog, you scum!' Bonnie wailed again. ‘You killed Selby! How could you do this?!'

‘Selby?' Selby thought. ‘There's got to be some mistake. I can't get killed. The movie's only just started.'

Bonnie turned to Selby and put her arm around him.

‘Oh, Selby, it's been so good having you here with me,' she said. ‘I'll be sorry to see you go.'

‘Go? I don't want to go,' Selby thought. ‘Where am I going?'

‘You killed Selby!' Bonnie yelled again.

‘I guess that answers that,' Selby thought. ‘I was just getting into this film and now I'm history. They'll be sending me home before I know it.'

That night Selby lay on the floor of Bonnie's trailer unable to sleep. He got up and started reading a copy of the script.

‘Oh, great,' he thought, after he'd read a few pages, ‘Dino runs me over with his car. I don't
even die in a fight or anything. Just get run over and then that's the end of me. Great.'

The next day was one of the worst days of Selby's life. His death scene was the first scene of the day. Artie Schotz made him bark and chase after Dino's car. Suddenly, the car swerved to miss a hole in the street and ran Selby over. Of course he wasn't really run over. There was the squeal of brakes and the camera switched back to Bonnie's face as she screamed, ‘You killed Selby!'

‘
Cut
! That's perfect!' the director said. ‘Okay, guys, somebody ring the chauffeur and let's get Selby to the airport. Sorry, old boy,' he said, patting Selby. ‘You did a great job but it's over, pooch.'

‘Great job, my paw,' Selby thought. ‘You're the one who made up this story, why did you have to go and get me killed? It would be a much better movie if I lived. People love dogs.'

Everyone gathered around and gave Selby pats and hugs before they put him in the limo to go to the airport. He could feel tears forming in his eyes as the car pulled away.

‘So that was it,' Selby thought. ‘My big break and it's over. I'll never get another chance like this one. But what can I do?'

Selby sat there way, way in the back — because this was the longest limo that Selby had ever seen — and wondered what he could have done to get them to change his part in the film.

He remembered something he'd read in
Make Movies and Get Rich: 101 Easy Rules.
‘Fight for what you want,' it said. ‘Nobody gets nothin' for nothin' in Dreamland. Fight hard and fight dirty. It's a dog-eat-dog world. Hey, everyone else does it so why not you?'

‘That's true,' Selby thought. ‘I'm not sure about the dogs eating dogs but you have to fight for what you want. But what if you're a dog? How can you fight then?'

As the city whizzed by outside, Selby's brain went into top gear.

‘I don't like this film,' he thought. ‘It's not nice to Bogusville and the people of Bogusville and it's a stupid film anyway. I've got to do something to change the whole thing.'

Suddenly, Selby had an idea. His paw slipped over to a red button at the side of the seat. He
pressed it down and watched as a metal screen went up between him and the driver.

‘He can't see me now,' Selby said, grabbing the telephone from the side panel. ‘Now for some real movie magic.'

Selby dialled the studio.

‘I wonder what this Izzy Fureel guy sounds like. I'll just have to guess,' Selby thought.

‘Dumsville Productions.'

‘Get me Artie Schotz on the double,' Selby said. ‘Dis is an emoygency.'

Selby waited for a moment.

‘Hello?' a voice said.

‘Artie! Artie, baby, it's me, Izzy.'

‘Is that you, Mr Fureel?'

‘Yeah, why? Don't I sound right?'

‘No, your voice seems a bit higher than usual.'

‘How about dis?' Selby said, lowering his voice.

‘No, it still doesn't sound like you.'

‘Is dis okay, Artie?' Selby said in a low and gravelly voice.

‘That sounds better,' Artie said. ‘What can I do for you, Mr Fureel?'

‘Artie, my friend,' Selby said, ‘we gotta talk about changes to the script.'

‘What changes? I don't know about any changes.'

‘I'm gonna tell ya, Artie. I don't want the dog to die, you got me?'

‘What do you mean?'

‘You heard me. I don't want him to die.'

‘But the dog's
got
to die. That's the reason Bonnie fights back. Because Dino kills her dog.'

‘Couldn't the dog just stub his toe or somethin'.?' Selby asked.

‘Stub his toe? Are you kidding? Why would she get mad about that?'

Selby thought for a moment.

‘Good point, Artie' Selby said. ‘But we can't kill the dog because people love dogs. Ya can moyder people in the movies but ya can't kill animals. Know what I mean, Artie? We kill the dog and nobody goes to see the film. I'm not shellin' out five hundred mill for a flick that nobody wants to see.'

‘Izzy — I mean, Mr Fureel, you said that you were going to leave me alone. You said that I could make this movie my way.'

‘Artie, baby, I love ya, ya know that,' Selby said. ‘But I can't let ya kill the dog. Now if you don't want to direct this film then I'll just have to get Steven or Woody.'

‘Steven? Woody? You wouldn't!'

Selby took a deep breath and put on his most gravelly voice.

‘Don't push your luck, Artie,' he said. ‘Now if you want to play hard ball with me, I'll play hard ball with you. You got me? I'll get my rewrite guy onto it. Just sit tight and I'll get back to you. Oh, and Artie, I want you to use that Australian dog. When you showed me that dog food ad I thought that little pooch was great.'

‘But Mr Fureel, he's already gone.'

‘Gone?! Well, then get him back!' Selby exploded. ‘I don't care how you do it — just do it!'

‘Yes, Mr Fureel.'

Selby slammed down the phone and giggled to himself.

Seconds later the telephone rang in the front of the limo and Selby was on his way back to the set.

When Selby got back to the studio everything had changed. Instead of being welcomed with hugs and kisses, everyone was screaming at each other.

‘This is ridiculous!' Dino screamed at the director. ‘We can't just change the movie now!'

‘Deenie, Deenie, don't be like that,' the director pleaded. ‘It's only a little change.'

‘The dog dies or I quit!' Dino screamed.

‘Please, Dino, be reasonable. Look, I don't want to change it either but Izzy wants it,' Artie said.

‘You said that he was going to leave us alone.'

‘What can I do? He's the guy who pays the
bills. And if you quit you won't get paid your thirty million dollars.'

‘Thirty million dollars!' Bonnie screamed. ‘I'm only getting twenty-five million! That's not fair. And I agree — Selby has to die or the story just won't work. Why is it that every movie I work on starts off okay and then everything goes crazy? Well I quit too!'

‘Dino,' Artie said, ‘Russell and Mel are both dying to play your part in this film.'

‘Are they really?'

‘Yes, they are. And Gwyneth and Nicole are fighting over your part, Bonnie. So you two can quit if you want to but I'd think about it if I were you. Now go back to your trailers and cool off. Mr Fureel is going to get back to us on the story changes.'

Bonnie looked over at Selby. Selby walked up to her expecting to be swept up in her arms and taken back to the luxury of her trailer. Instead, she just glared at him.

‘This is all your fault!' she said and she stormed off.

‘Yeah, get out of here before I really run you over!' Dino said.

‘Get lost! dog,' the director said.

‘Hey, what did I do?' Selby thought. ‘Okay, so I know what I did, but you don't know what I did so don't be nasty to me.'

That evening Selby lay in his tiny dog house trailer secretly reading and re-reading a copy of the script that he'd found on the set.

‘What if Artie is right?' he said. ‘What if the only reason I'm in the story is to get killed? I wish I knew how to change things and make a better story. Only I'm not a writer.'