Seductive Truths (Seductive Trilogy) (47 page)

    
‘
Gareth?
’
  I go to reach out to touch his shoulder but he flinches and turns his back on me.

     The pain at the gesture is unbearable.  It’s like a blow to the stomach.  I don’t know what to make of his reaction.  I’m stung at how easily he can shut me out like that, like I mean nothing to him.

    
‘
Gareth?
’
I try one more time.

    
‘
Please Alex.  I need to be alone,
’
and with that he pulls the covers up and over his shoulder and obscuring his face from view.

     It’s like a knife has been plundered into my heart at his rejection.  I see little fragments of my life float away as I numbly stand, legs trembling.  I can’t think I am at a loss of what to do.  What
am
I supposed to do?

     Painfully I turn my back and give him what he wants.  I walk out of the room not knowing where I plan to go.  My mind lost on a wave of thoughts.  Everything was looking up, I made a decision.  Have I left my family and friends behind for nothing?  Have I destroyed those I love only for him to shut me out?  What’s happening?

    
‘
Mrs Brown!  Mrs Brown!
’
Heavy footfalls get louder and the voice closer, it’s coming from behind. 
‘
Mrs Brown!
’

     Turning around, eyes focusing, I see an out of breath Nurse Harding running towards me.

    
‘
I’m glad I caught you.  Your test results are back.
’

    
I forgot about those
.

    
‘
It’s positive,
’
she beams, her eyes light up like Christmas lights.

    
Oh shit I’m pregnant!

     This is not happening to me.  At first I wanted it but now?  Now in the light of how Gareth is behaving my mind has once again been sent into
turmoil
.  If he leaves I’ll have no one.  I pretty much disowned Maggie and Bethany; I can’t go back they’ll despise me.  I wouldn’t be able to do it on my own. 

     And how am I expected to tell him?  Do I casually drop it in in a conversation or put it out there forthright?  Does he want any more children after the loss of his son?  We haven’t talked about such possibilities.  Actually, come to think of it we haven’t talked about anything involving a future for us, not really.

     Oh God, this is a total catastrophe!
  I bury my face in my hands, shaking my head back and forth.
 

     ‘You alrigh’ luv?’

     Startled, I look up from the trodden grass under my feet to see a woman, probably in her late fifties, wearing tracking bottoms, pink blouse, and a navy cardigan. 

    
A rather peculiar combination
. 

     ‘Sorry?’

     ‘You’re lookin’ a bit lost luv. You alrigh’?’

     ‘Oh, yes, I’m fine thanks.  Just have things on my mind.’

     ‘Don’t we all luv, don’t we all.  You don’t mind do ya?’ she points to the space next to me.

     ‘Oh, no that’s fine,’ and I scoot over, only now realising the dampness seeping through my trousers to my skin.

     ‘Ta.  So,’ she starts while adjusting her position.  ‘Wha’ brings you to this place?’

     ‘
Erm
, well, my partner had an accident, but thankfully he’s out of danger and on the mend.  We are waiting to be told when he will be deemed fit enough to be discharged.’ I say while trying to maintain as little eye contact as possible.

     ‘Ah, good, good.  So what ya doing out here all on your tod?  Shouldn’t ya be in there by your man?’

     ‘I needed a bit of me time.  Hospitals can become a little stifling.  A bit of fresh air, you know.’

     ‘Oh I know wha’ ya mean luv.  I’ve neva been able ta stand those places.  It’s the clinical smell tha’ gets me.’

     ‘So what brings you here?’

     ‘My daugh’er Jessie is abou’ ta pop with her first sprog, but I ‘ad ta take a breather, couldn’t stand the tension.  All tha’ pacing was driving me up the wall!’

     ‘The father is getting anxious waiting?’

     ‘Na, the father is as cool as a cucumber, always ‘as been in times of distress.  How he manages it I do not know!  My legs on the other ‘and ‘ave neva seen such a work out!  I swear one more step and they would ‘ave given way!  They’re not as young as they used ta be.  If it’s not the arthritis it’s somethin’ else.’

       ‘I’m sure it’s not as bad as all that…’

       ‘Trust me luv, the last time they ached this much is when I ‘ad to climb ten flights of stairs ‘cos someone though’ it was a good idea to put an ‘out of order’ sign on the lift doors!  If there’s a next time, my aching feet and me are stayin’ home.’

     This woman is like a breath of fresh air when I need it the most.  Her energy revives me somehow, brings me back to reality.  She can’t be any older than in her sixties, but still full of life and when I look into her eyes they hold so much knowledge of the world, have experienced pain and love.  She knows what it’s like to live life to the full.  She has seen the
world and embraced the chance to enjoy a family when the opportunity arose and never regretted a moment.

      A gentle grin sidles onto my face, however, my joy dies when I capture the sight of her staring, a slight delicate frown forming, causing more wrinkles to appear on her brow.  But there is also a spark of emotion in her cat-like green eyes, a twinkle of something new.  I don’t know whether to feel gratitude for this complete stranger or revulsion at seeing the compassion directed at me.  She has known me all of five seconds.

     ‘What?’ I say harsher than I would have liked.

     ‘Didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable luv, it’s just…neva mind.  I’m just a batty ol’ woman, don’t listen to me.’ 

     ‘You obviously have something to say, I’d much rather hear it.  I’ve had enough of people telling me lies and half-truths.  Please, whatever it is just say it.’

     ‘Your soul ‘as darkened, pain filling every inch.  You’re scared and confused about your future.  Ya laugh but no pleasure fills it.  Ya smile but it’s mechanic.  Sadness lives in ya…’

     ‘Well that’s no great surprise.  My other half
is
lying in a hospital bed after a major surgery from…’

     ‘No, no, it’s more than tha’.’  She wets her surprisingly young looking lips before continuing.  ‘You’re not the woman ya used ta be, and yes I know, it is a rather silly thin’ to say considerin’ I don’t know ya, but ya give off this vibe.  You’re surrounded by an invisible electric force field, ya just don’t know it.’  She frowns further; trying to figure out the clues she has been given, working out ways they fit together to produce meaning.  ‘You’re an enigma wrapped in riddles.  You’re out of place.  Ya stick out like a sore thumb.’ 
Says the woman dressed like a charity shop!
  ‘I was goin’ to just walk on by, leave ya to your peace, but ya drew me in.  Ya have this aura about ya, a troubled soul, and I simply can’t resist a troubled soul.’

     ‘Why, you a councillor or something?’ I ask half-heartedly expecting nothing but a laugh in the face in return.

     ‘How did ya guess?’ 
Great!  Just what I need, someone to pick my brains!
‘Retired now, but I still retain tha’ knack.  I may be able to help ya,’ she grins.

     ‘As much as I appreciate your offer, I think I will have to decline.  This is something I have to deal with on my own,’ and then her pearly white teeth disappear behind her rosy red lips.

     ‘There’s nothin’ worse than keepin’ somethin’ bottled up inside.’

     ‘I know that only all too well, trust me, but sometimes confiding in someone can lead to more problems rather than solutions.  I don’t want to burden you with it, I’ve destroyed two lives already I don’t want you to be a third.’

     ‘Maybe an outsider’s point of view would benefit…’

     ‘I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be rude or anything, but you don’t know me, you’re a complete stranger.  I haven’t hired you so you have no business in knowing what troubles me.  I know you mean well, but I can’t tell you, I can’t tell anyone anything.  I did that once and now I won’t be able to see them ever again.’  I feel my throat clog up with emotion as I remind myself of my recent estrangement.

     All of a sudden there is a shift in her facial expression, a sense of dawning settles as the clues begin to add up to form a conclusion.  Her petite mouth gapes slightly and eyes glow with knowledge of understanding. 

     She unexpectedly grabs hold of my hand and utters, ‘Are ya in danger or…’ but she is cut off midsentence by a male voice crying out, ‘Sue, Sue!’ and not a second later I see a well-built man with a full head of vibrant reddish hair come hurtling towards us.

     ‘Ah and here is my wonderful son-in-law.  Wha’ is it Matthew?’

     ‘It’s time, it’s time!’

     ‘Oh golly gosh, that’s quick!  I gotta go my luv.  The bun is abou’ to come out the oven.’  She gathers herself up and is about to rush away when she hesitates.  Turning back to me she says, ‘Just remember this, no one is an island,’ and with that, she is dragged off by her anxious son-in-law. 

    
No one is an island
.  This may be but that doesn’t stop them from floating adrift for the rest of their lives.  Some people are better off alone, while others need company.  Which one is Gareth?  My initial reaction would have gone for the former, but as I’ve got to know him I now say the latter.  And in light of his recent cold attitude towards me, I am now none the wiser. 

     I think he is frightened in entering something he can’t control.  His natural defence is to shut people out, if you don’t feel you don’t get hurt.  But there is something that frightens him more, something a lot deeper, which is leaving me hanging by a thread.

     All I can ultimately do is take each day as they come.  I’m running into something I am not sure of, diving into situations completely out of my comfort zone.  I hang in each moment not sure which way to go.  I’ve come to a crossroad in my life.  I can’t go back on the path I trod, so it leaves me with three possibilities.  No matter which I choose I’d eventually hit a sharp bend in the road.  My outcome will rely on the components involved.

     Some say your life is mapped out from birth to death.  Some believe in fait and destiny and things happen in your life for a reason, everything has a purpose even if you can’t identify its foundation.  I believe it’s the actions of one’s doing that determine the outcome of one’s future.  It’s the twists and turns of fate that gives the many wonders to life.  It only takes a single decision to point you onto a new path.  Where it will lead you is a future no one can predict.

      The question I have to ask myself is not what do I do next, but where do I go from here?  It wouldn’t take much to get up and walk away, back to Maggie and Bethany, back to the life I used to lead, but I would be putting them in danger if I did that.  Going back is out of the question. 

     Another option is to flee now, away from everything and start a new life in a foreign country where no one would know me.  I could find myself a lovely little cottage and live off the produce I grow.  Meet a nice country farmer who has no complications and we’d live an ordinary unexciting life.  But I know in myself I wouldn’t be able to handle that lifestyle.  It’s too mundane for me.

     I want to be with Gareth.  I have utterly, completely fallen for him head over heels.  How?  Well, that’s another question in itself.  There is nothing ordinary about this relationship that exits between the two of us and maybe this is the reason I am in two minds.  I’ve been waiting my whole life to feel like this for a guy, but now I’ve found it, why do I feel like it is slipping through my fingers. 

     Do I see myself declaring vows ‘till death do us part’ with this man?  Maybe.  Can I love him for the rest of my life; stay faithful no matter what?  Absolutely.  Am I able to trust him?  Certainly.  But can I rely on him to be there for me and not run?  No.  And there lies the fundamental truth.  How can I provide a stable life for our child when every time he walks out the door it may be the last I see of him?  How will I know if he is lying dead in a gutter somewhere or simply ran into hiding?  The word ‘stable’ does not exist in Gareth’s vocabulary, so why is there a part of me thinking it still may work?

          All I ever wanted was to be needed, to give my love through the simple action of a hug.  Everything that he’d require would be there in my arms, he wouldn’t need to ask, it would be my instincts to be by his side.  Words would be unnecessary when actions speak louder.  Words would just get in the way.  Why have them when you can have pleasure instead?  I want something unforgettable.  I want that someone who would break the silence in my soul and allow every drop of emotion to come crashing into my world.  I want a man in possession
of eyes that pierce right through me with each look.  All this I can see in Gareth and yet he is more, much more.  Many times I have tried to describe him, capture his best qualities, capture his worst, but neither does him justice.  He is a man I cannot, for the life of me, put down in words.  You have to see him to believe him.  If only…