Secretly More (15 page)

“It’s fine.” It wasn’t, it was annoying, but what could she do? Scream “No!” and cause a scene? “Are you getting a drink?”

“Nah.” Everything in his eyes betrayed how badly he wanted one though. He let out an embarrassed chuckle. “I’m sort of too broke for that.”

Now there was the title of Dane’s future autobiography. Still, she mustered up a sympathetic grimace and set to wiping the counter.

Dane licked his lips and hopped onto a stool. “See, I got laid off. I’ve been trying to find a new job, but there’s nothing out there but customer service gigs and that’s, like, the last thing I want to do.” He sighed, propping his elbow on the counter and resting his head in his hand. “And Sam and Wendy kicked me out since I couldn’t make rent, and I had to move back in with my parents. I’ve been so embarrassed about it that I haven’t talked to anyone in a week. Not that anyone will even talk to me anyway.” He released a bitter laugh. “So I’m unemployed with no place to live, no education, no money, no friends, and no future. The only decent thing I’ve got going for me is the band, and I can barely make practice since my car is such a piece of shit. Isn’t that the most pathetic thing in the world?”

It actually was. Kimber stared at Dane, almost feeling sorry for him because he couldn’t see how any of it was his fault.

“As if it wasn’t totally obvious,” he said, fixing his tortured gaze on her, “my life is shit without you, bables.”

Kimber turned away. This wasn’t a road she wanted to go down. But Dane stood and followed her around the perimeter of the bar, his voice growing desperate. “You probably hate my guts now and I really don’t blame you, but what I’m saying is the truth.” He lunged across the counter between two women nursing martinis and caught her elbow. “Please, Kimber, listen to me. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and I hate myself every day for fucking it all up.”

Her face flamed in both anger and embarrassment as other customers ringing the bar gawked at them with curiosity. Alison even leaned back against the counter with her arms crossed, openly watching them with unguarded fascination.

“Alison,” Kimber said, “I’ll be back in five, okay?”

“Oh poo.” Alison huffed and blew her jet-black bangs from her eyes with a disappointed sigh. “I never get to see anything good.”

Kimber shook Dane off her and rounded the counter, heading for the outside patio. Dane trailed behind her, cowed and subservient. “I’m sorry about that. God, I can’t do anything right anymore.”

Once outside, she whirled on him, furious. He wasn’t sorry he made a scene; he was sorry, period. “What could you possibly want from me?”

“I just wanted to apologize in person.”

“Mission accomplished. I forgive you. Now please leave. I’m working.”

His face crumpled with despair. “But you don’t really forgive me. You’re clearly pissed off.”

Kimber grabbed her hair with both hands and let out a frustrated howl. “Dane—”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Look, meet me tomorrow night for a drink, just one. I just want to see you for a bit. I need to talk to you. I hate that you’re not in my life. Please. Let me try to set things right.”

“Fine, whatever.” Agreeing to his proposition seemed the only way to get rid of him. It was strange to think that just a few weeks ago, she would’ve had a vastly different perspective on the situation.

“Thank you, bables.” He reached out with a finger to brush her forearm then snatched it back, as if remembering he’d no right to do such a thing anymore. “Thank you.”

She gave him a brief nod and a wave then headed back inside, where Alison lurked behind the counter with giant tell-me-everything eyes. But what was to tell? She was only getting together for drinks with the guy, hoping his sob story would make her feel better about her own. Where was the harm in that?

* * *

“Jesus.” His knees to his chest and his arms circling his bent legs, Jay rocked back and forth on his sit bones on Kimber’s living room floor and shook his head, staring at the TV blasting a version of
The Frog Prince
as told by Jim Henson’s Muppets. “Where the hell did you find this?”

“I’ve had it since I was a kid.” Kimber stifled a yawn. “My mom sent the VHS in a care package along with money—some of which I had to use to buy a VHS player.”

“We need to turn this off. There are too many frog puppets running around. It’s weirding me out.”

Kimber shrugged and curled up on the couch, fetus style, unable to muster the energy to care as Jay stopped the tape. Although he’d been the one to suggest a movie-and-McDonald’s night last week and insisted on not canceling, he’d been antsy all evening, like he couldn’t wait for it to be over, and he couldn’t stop complaining. There’d been too much pepper on his burger. Traffic was too traffic-y. There was nothing good to watch. Now there were too many frogs. Nothing seemed to satisfy him.

Not that she could blame him. The whole night had a strange vibe to it, like something was about to happen. Whatever that something was, it needed to happen before she ground her teeth into powder with frustration. In the meantime, it was excruciating trying to put the polish on the dull silver living.

Jay glanced at her, and in that moment, she realized she hadn’t seen him smile all night. He looked away with a heavy exhale and studied her DVDs, still in the orange milk crates. “What a bunch of no-fun nuns we are.”

“Yeah.” She ran a hand through her hair. “Maybe we should just call it a night. It’s clear we got a lot on our minds.”

Jay didn’t respond, and Kimber idly noted he didn’t ask for details like he normally would. Then again, she probably wouldn’t ask for details if she were him either. She was sick of her own problems, which had been self-inflicted from the start. Everyone had warned her, but she let herself get swept away by someone who finally seemed to care about her after so long of the opposite with Dane.

Dane—now that was a whole other story. Her interest in him now was so slight she felt like she’d imagined their entire relationship. It happened another lifetime ago to someone else. She’d no idea why she’d agreed to see him tomorrow. What was the point?

She hadn’t yet told Jay that Dane had come to see her, let alone that she’d agreed to go out with him. For some reason, she couldn’t bring herself to do it. She just knew he wouldn’t approve—and had the nagging feeling if she couldn’t admit to her best friend that she was getting together with an ex who bored her, it probably wasn’t a good idea. However, she wasn’t known for her good ideas, as recent events had taught her.

Jay remained quiet, and Kimber was suddenly struck by the realization that maybe his silence had nothing to do with her. Maybe he was going through something as equally miserable as she was, although probably less depraved. The possibility added a side order of guilt to her mood. She’d tried to get him to tell her what was going on with him earlier but he’d refused, and she knew she should’ve tried harder. Now she was not only a fool, but a bad friend.

“Hey.” She sat up and tossed a pillow at him. “A quarter for your sad, crabby thoughts.”

He arched a brow. “Not a penny?”

“Inflation. Times are hard. Now what’s your deal?”

Jay heaved another sigh, staring at his feet. “What, I don’t want to watch frog marionettes jump around so I have to talk about my feelings?”

She threw her hands up in the air, frustrated, inexplicably anxious, and at a loss for what to do regarding his demeanor. “Fine, then I don’t know what to tell you. I’m out of ideas.” She stretched out on the futon and crossed her arms over her chest. “I guess we’ll just sit here in silence and hate life.”

A few minutes of quiet did follow, the only sounds being their breathing and Pepperoni scratching at the rug then jumping on the kitchen counter with a chirp. Finally, Jay spoke. “You first.”

“Are you sure? It’s just more of the same old crap.”

He nodded. “I wanna hear it.”

Kimber told him the abridged version of how she’d met her stranger at the hotel and they’d spent all night making love and everything had seemed possible—until she woke up alone with a note that put an end to all that. “So that’s my closure, my unequivocal sign, I guess. I went there, hoping for that.” She sighed. “Who am I kidding? I went there for every reason but closure.”

“Yeah, but why?” Jay still stared at his feet, nudging the bass drum coffee table with the tip of his sneaker. “I don’t get why you’re so into a guy you never even saw.”

“I know. I try to rationalize it, but I can’t. This is going to sound weird, but he gave me so much hope.”

“Of course he did. He came on the heels of a bad relationship. Anyone would’ve done the trick.”

“That’s not true.”

“How do you know?”

“I could tell by the way he touched me.”

Jay finally looked at her, his jaw twitching like he was trying to formulate a question but didn’t know how to go about it. “How?”

“How what?”

“How did he touch you?”

“Like I was the most important girl in the whole world. Like he couldn’t get enough of me.”

“No.” There was a dark, indescribable look in his eyes that sent a shiver up her spine. “What did he do?”

Her eyebrows rose. “You’re asking for serious details.”

He nodded, his mouth tight.

Kimber blushed. “Why do you want to know?”

“Because.” His expression remained unreadable. “It’s the most fascinating thing in the world.”

Her skin prickled as the atmosphere in the room changed. “Yeah, why?” she asked, keeping her tone light, the mood familiar. “Meet someone special and need tips on your technique?”

“Let’s just say it’s a weird situation.”

A flicker of unexpected jealousy sparked inside her at the thought of Jay doing any form of sexual calisthenics with some random girl. She didn’t like the idea of sharing him, even though her feelings toward him were platonic. Was he torn up over some girl and that’s why he was so upset? If so, Kimber couldn’t stand her already, judging by the agonized expression on his face.

“Bleh.” She rubbed her temples. “We should’ve gone out and gotten wasted tonight. I know I could use a drink. First all this, then I have to deal with Dane tomorrow night.”

“Dane?” Jay’s features contorted with confusion and suspicion.

She hadn’t wanted to tell him yet, but why stop with the confessions now? “Yeah, he wandered up to the bar today and was all, woe is me, life sucks without you. I dunno, I just felt sorry for him, so we’re meeting for drinks tomorrow.”

Jay’s expression hardened. “You two are hanging out? Are you fucking kidding me? After all this?”

Kimber’s mouth dropped open as he pushed to his feet and paced the length of the room like a restless lion in a cage. It was no secret that, despite having introduced him to Kimber, Jay never really cared for Dane and liked them as a couple even less, but she’d never seen him so angry about it. “Chill, it’s not like it’s a big deal or anything.”

“It’s actually quite a big deal, Kimber. I’ve had to deal with hearing about that douchebag making you cry and disappointing you for years now, and just when I think we’ll finally stop talking about what a fucking moron he is, I hear you two are going on a date—probably your first ever with him, if I recall his protocol correctly.”

“Whoa. Will you calm down?” Kimber’s heart hammered against her ribs. She couldn’t believe the stark fury and intensity of his words. “I’m not even into him anymore.”

“Bullshit. Why else would you be going out with him? Obviously you still feel something for him. What isn’t obvious is why. And after all this time apart from him, you’d think you’d know better, but be honest. All it’ll take is a few of his empty promises and you two will be together again. Then the shit will start back up and I’ll never hear the end of it.”

“None of this is in any way true,” Kimber spluttered. “Things are different now.”

“I thought so, too. But they’re not.” He stopped pacing and faced her, his jaw clenching and his gaze hard. “Just tell me one thing. Tell me why Dane gets all these chances with you, and I never even got one. And one would’ve been all I needed.”

Stunned heat crept through her body as she fought to find the right words. “I don’t know. We went over this, Jay. You’re my best friend. I never thought of you like that.”

He raked both hands through his hair. “I don’t care. Think of me like that now.” He stared at her, expectant, his dark blue eyes unyielding.