Secret Dream: Delos Series, 1B1 (8 page)

Here it came. The killer aspect she saw in him. He was going to be brutally honest with her. Sometimes, the truth was bitter medicine, but it was the best thing that could be shared. “I guess I was looking for a family who could love me, Susan. I heard that the SEALs were like that: a team, a family.” He laid down his fork, his hands on either side of the plate, his appetite gone. “My father beat the crap out of me and my mother. We both had broken bones to prove it.” Instantly, he saw Susan’s face fall with utter sympathy, her eyes widening with pain. Cav pushed on. “When I joined and made qualifications for BUD/s, my mother had just died. I was in an angry, emotional state. Every SEAL that makes it through those six months gets a sea daddy. That’s an older SEAL, usually a chief, who will choose one of the graduates. His job is to be like a father figure to help guide the younger SEAL. Chief Jacoby, who had been in the SEALs for thirty years, picked me out of the twenty men who managed to make it through that class at BUD/s.

“I didn’t like him at first because he got in my face about my anger. He pushed me hard in every way—physically, emotionally, and mentally. He was never abusive toward me like my father was. Instead, he treated me with respect, he demanded courtesy in return, and he taught me what a real father would be like for his son.”

“Oh,” she whispered, “that’s such a gift for you.”

He nodded, feeling the tightness in his gut. “I had so much anger. Looking back on it, Chief Jacoby must have known I’d been badly abused by my father, because one day, he pulled it out of me. I’d never talked about what my father had done to me and my mother. I remember sitting in his little office, the door shut, and sobbing my brains out. I’d never cried growing up. I just sucked it up and pushed it down deep into me. My mother cried for both of us. And I hated when she cried because it made me feel helpless. I couldn’t take the pain she carried away from her. I couldn’t ease her hurt or hold her like I wanted. We were both trapped by my father. And neither of us saw a way out of it.”

Susan frowned and sat back. “You’ve suffered so much. And your poor mother . . . Does Lia know all of this?”

“Yes, she does. There are no secrets between us, ma’am.”

“Call me Susan, will you?”

Cav nodded, feeling hope. “Chief Jacoby guided my life as a SEAL for the years I was in. He told me to get a degree, and I did that. He held me accountable, taught me about honor, truth, and loyalty. There were many times when I’d get off duty, and we’d be back at our base in Coronado that he’d invite me home with him. There was an extra bedroom, and that’s where I stayed. He had two sons. He and his wife were very much in love with one another. That’s where I got to see that not all families were like mine. It was his way of showing me that a family is something you can have, you can work for, and it can be a good thing, not a bad thing like mine was.”

Susan shook her head. “You’re lucky you turned out so well coming from a hell like that, Cav.”

“Don’t I know it.”

“Lia’s never, ever had a hand laid on her.”

“I know. Your family is similar to Chief Jacoby’s family. There’s a lot of love in the household. There’s no abuse; no one is hitting anyone else with a belt or their fist.”

Rubbing her brow, Susan murmured, “You’re old beyond your years, Cav.”

“Some days, I feel eighty.”

“I’ll bet you do.”

“I learned a long time ago that the next dawn meant a new day, new possibilities.”

“I love your attitude.” She smiled a little, continuing to size him up. “Is that what the SEALs gave you, then? A sense of family?”

“Yes, they did.”

“Is it true that you kill people?”

Cav remained open. Susan wasn’t the first one to ask him this, but never had his answer been more important than it was now—for Lia’s sake, and to put Susan at peace with him. He opened his hands. “The SEALs aren’t for everyone, Susan. I knew when I went in that I was going to be trained to be an operator who would go after men who made a lot of other people’s lives miserable. I can’t speak to you about what I did, exactly, because it’s top secret. What I can say is that the SEALs see themselves as a bulwark against the evil that’s out in this world. There are some men who don’t care if they murder children, women, or men. They don’t care if they ride through an Afghan village slaughtering everyone, including babies.” He saw Susan wince, straightening, as if to steel herself against the verbal pictures he was painting for her. “There are men over there who steal children and women, get them across the border to Pakistan, and sell them as sex slaves. They’re torn away from their families, never to be seen again. They live a life of real hell. And no one is going after them to find them, rescue them, and return them to their families.” Grimly he placed his elbows on the table, his voice lowering. “SEALs go out and create missions to find these kinds of men and take them off the face of this earth. We are the only group who stands between unarmed Afghan villages, who have no way to protect themselves, and those sex-slave traders. Or stands between one tribal clan and another clan. Some of them have been at war with one another for over a thousand years, and they’re still bloodthirsty and think nothing of destroying another tribal village. Can you imagine a hundred and fifty people that you know being cut down with daggers, knives, and AK-47 bullets?” He drilled her with a hard look.

Susan placed her fingers against her throat and whispered brokenly, “God, no, I can’t . . .”

Cav sat back, allowing his words to really sink into Susan. She was deeply moved, anguish in her eyes, her mouth contorted, as if to hold back a cry. Or maybe tears. Because just speaking about it brought a burning sensation to the backs of his eyes. Ruthlessly, Cav shoved it away. He couldn’t afford to feel anything right now; he had to focus on keeping Susan open to him, so that bridge of trust could be built between them. He felt the tension between them, felt her struggling with emotions that were clearly etched in her expression, the horror, the loss of life, and he wondered if it wasn’t bringing back Lia’s assault to her, front and center. She was shaken, and he felt badly about that because that had not been his intent. She had accused him of being a killer. And he wanted to set the record straight as to why he’d done what he’d done. He felt no remorse for the lives he’d taken. These men were pure evil. They weren’t going to turn around and change. They were greedy. After money. They didn’t care about the pain they caused their captives. They were heartless. And now, he could see all it landing on Susan.

“I’m sorry,” he murmured. “I didn’t mean to become so graphic. I’m sure it’s upsetting to you.” He gestured to her uneaten eggs, which were cooling.

Susan closed her eyes, taking in a deep breath. She opened them, holding his apologetic gaze. “I couldn’t do what you’ve done, Cav.”

“Not many can,” he offered quietly with a shrug. “The SEALs see themselves as a shield for our country, and for those who can’t protect themselves in some instances.”

“I thought . . . well, I thought you murdered people.”

“I have killed people who were trying to kill me, Susan. There’s a big difference. I defend. You lift a rifle in my direction? I will shoot to defend myself. If I see a child, a woman, or a man being chained up like an animal and driven with whips to Pakistan to be sold, I will shoot the bastards who are doing this to them.” He saw her eyes widen and then the bleakness of reality sinking into her. “Look, I’ll never forget one face of one of those monsters that I took out. I’ll go to my grave remembering each and every one of them. But will I be sorry about it? Not on your life. When you see what they do to innocent, helpless humans? I’ll willingly carry the load for the rest of my life for taking them out.”

“I was so wrong about you,” Susan said, her voice quavering. She pushed her uneaten plate of eggs away from her, pressing her hands against her face, taking several long, deep breaths.

Cav wasn’t hungry either. He picked up his cup of coffee, wanting something dark and warm instead of the internal satisfaction he felt about the evil he’d taken out. He wouldn’t confide that to Susan. She was shaken up enough. He’d made his points, and they had affected her deeply.

Finally, she allowed her hands to fall away from her face and she studied him in the gathering silence. “Does Lia know what you do?”

He shook his head. “I don’t ever want her to know because I know how easily she gets upset. She suffers much like you do for the underdogs of life. That’s why she loves working for Delos. They’re a global charity and a force for good, giving hope to the hopeless. She’s a good fit there, Susan. And she’s doing great things in helping to set up Artemis, the in-house charity security company. Your daughter is a division manager and you should be very proud of her. She’s making the world a better place for people who can’t fight for themselves, or can’t feed themselves or educate themselves. If there was ever a white knight in his house”—he hooked a thumb toward the hall where Lia’s bedroom was located—“she’s sleeping in there right now. She’s a female Sir Galahad as far as I’m concerned. She lives to serve others and there’s no greater joy in the world to her than doing just that.”

Susan sighed and sat back, her hands in her lap beneath the table. “Steve and I were hoping that she’d want to someday come back and take over running the family farm.”

“I don’t know what she’ll do, Susan.”

“I was worried about you,” she admitted hoarsely. “That you’d take her away from us . . .”

“Won’t happen, Susan. Remember, I know what it’s like to have no family, no love. I love your daughter with my life. Why would I want to take her away from her loving family? I’d
never
put Lia into that kind of terrible, sterile environment. You’ve given her purpose, strength, and confidence through your love.” He saw Susan’s face crumple with relief, tears glistening in her eyes. “I don’t know what Lia will decide to do or whether she’ll want to come back here and learn the trade of being a farmer or not.”

“What if she did, Cav? Would you stop her?”

Cav saw the fear in Susan’s eyes. “No. I may not know a lot about family love, but Lia has been teaching me daily about love between two people. Love means you support each other. You don’t tell each other what to do. If Lia’s heart is in farming, if that becomes more important to her than what she’s doing presently at Delos, I’ll support whatever she decides.” He managed a sour smile. “I’m not a farmer, I admit that. But if this homestead, her family who’s been here over a hundred years, means more to her than her job at Delos, I’ll be more than happy to support her coming home. I’ll learn how to be a good farmer at her side.”

Susan gave him a warm, apologetic look. “I had you figured all wrong, Cav.” She reached across the table, her hand falling over his. “I’m so sorry. Will you forgive me? I was so rude to you yesterday. I feel so badly about it. That’s not like me.”

“Lia said you’ve been under a lot of pressure with not sleeping well at night. She thought that might have something to do with it.” Cav wasn’t going to take advantage of her in any way. All he wanted with Susan was fairness and not to be seen as a villain absconding with Lia, taking their only child away from them.

“Ugh, she’s right about that.” Shaking her head, she muttered, “I’m going to see a woman doctor in a few days. She works with something called plant bioidenticals. It’s plant-based estrogen and progesterone and has been proven safe in comparison to the other types of hormones that are on the medical market. She said she could help me with my mood swings and especially my hot flashes, night sweats, and sleeplessness.”

“Sounds really promising,” Cav said gently. “Let’s cross our fingers for you.”

She gave a half laugh and grimaced. “I’m not one for medicine. I very rarely take it. Lia’s the same way. She’s very much a copy of me, in case you didn’t realize it yet, but I suspect you already know that.”

“You two are very much alike. It’s part of SEAL training, Susan. They teach us to pick up a lot of nonverbal cues from people, teach us to read them and anticipate their actions or reactions.”

“Because in your business, if you don’t, you could probably get killed.”

One corner of his mouth lifted. “Yeah, something like that.”

“Are you still going to continue to be a security contractor?”

“No. I’ve hung up my weapons and I’m working with Lia in her department at Delos. I have a degree in African and Asian studies. I’ll be a consultant in those areas. So we both have safe jobs, and that’s good.”

“More than good,” Susan whispered, relieved. Shaking her head, she offered, “I thought you were like Jerry. I thought you were going to use Lia and then walk away from her.”

“I’m nothing like that little bastard. If I ever find him or run into him by chance, it will make my day, but it won’t make his.” Cav gave her a cutting smile, allowing her to see the warrior side of himself. “I’ll protect Lia. I’ll give her safe haven, Susan. Right now, she’s still reeling from nearly being killed a second time down in Costa Rica. She’s fragile in a lot of ways and I’m doing my best to be a shield of sorts for her when and where I can. I’m not enabling her. There’s a big difference. When I first met her, she was paranoid about me ever seeing any more of her scars than was necessary. It took a couple of months for me to gain her trust enough that she allowed me to see all of her and for her to know that I loved her regardless of her scars.”

She lifted her hand from his. “You’re perfect for her, Cav. I can see that now. You have no idea how good that makes me feel. Lia’s so special and what happened to her is a nightmare I still wrestle with. I have dreams sometimes that send me sitting up and screaming.”

“Well, she gets them occasionally herself,” he said. “And given what happened to her, she has some pretty tough PTSD. The good news is that Lia’s climbing out of it. Every day, we’re working together. She’s healing me, too, in many, many ways. One thing we have going for us is that we’ll talk to one another. That’s more important to me than anything. I’m pretty good at reading a person, but I’m not a mind reader. And with Lia, the trauma she’s survived, I really needed that line of communication between us or we weren’t going to get anywhere with one another.”