Season of Change (5 page)

T
he next morning Grandpa got me up early to go to the barn. He tried to persuade me to practice my driving on the way over, but I was still thinking about hitting the deer.

“As they say, you’ve got to get back on the horse,” Grandpa said. But he didn’t pressure me, and he got in the driver’s seat.

As we drove down the street, past the spot where I’d hit the deer last night, the whole scene played out in my head again. The beautiful narrow head. The
big startled eyes. The strong long legs. And the jarring thud. I glanced through the woods around the road, looking for a deer streaking through the dappled sunlit leaves. I thought about the deer maybe limping through the woods, or lying on its side, trying to get up. I remembered the time I’d been searching for the lost wolves, and found Waya lying on her side in the woods, shot.

“Do you think I killed the deer, Grandpa?” I asked again.

Grandpa patted my knee. “Sweetheart, I don’t think we’ll ever know. It was an accident. You know how the saying goes …”

“I know, I know. ‘This too shall pass.’ ”

I tried pushing the memory of it out of my mind. Noah had texted me this morning, saying he would come over this afternoon and bring his own wakeboard. He had asked if Grandpa would be able to drive the boat for him and I said “yes.” I hadn’t mentioned it to Grandma or Grandpa, yet, though. I thought maybe I would mention it when we got home from the barn. Or maybe I’d just let him show up. That way Grandma and Grandpa couldn’t say no.

“I wonder how things are going with Stephanie and her mom,” I said.

“I bet everything is fine,” Grandpa said reassuringly. “Tell me about what you do at the barn.”

“Josie, who’s in charge of the barn, lets me muck stalls and fill water troughs and clean tack in exchange for some of my riding time with Commanche.”

Grandpa took the ramp to the highway to head for Charlotte. “So Commanche is the horse you ride?”

“For the last few years, yeah. He’s my buddy. He always sticks his head out of his stall when he hears me coming.”

“So you have a special relationship with him.”

“Yeah. He’s got a sore hoof right now, so I’ll just be helping him soak his foot. I won’t be able to ride him today.”

The barn stood at the end of a long, winding driveway. Grandpa parked on the side and then walked in with me. It was a red, open barn with bands of sunlight streaming through the open front and back doors. Josie was sweeping the floor when we walked in, and the particles she swept up seemed to sparkle in the sunbeams.

“You ready to get to work?” Josie asked, after I introduced Grandpa. “Got a lot to do today. We need to turn the horses out and pick the stalls. We also need to groom the horses, put sunscreen on their noses, and spray them with fly spray.”

“Put sunscreen on their noses?” asked Grandpa.

“Oh, yes, horses with white noses can get sunburned,” Josie said.

“How’s Commanche?” I headed over to his stall and peeked in. He was standing facing the back wall, favoring his leg, and barely turned his head when I came up. Usually he came to the stall door and let me pet his head and neck.

“Oh, he’s a grumpy bear,” Josie said. “And you’re going to have to soak that foot again today.”

Grandpa came over to Commanche’s stall and peered in. “Poor fella,” he said.

“Hey, Grandpa, before you leave, I want you to see something,” I said. “Come back here.”

A Clydesdale, with heavy fur from his knees to his hooves, hung his gigantic head over the top of a metal gate separating the barn from the back paddock. Beside him, a miniature donkey the size of a large dog poked his nose through the metal strips of the gate. They looked so funny standing there together, the giant and the pygmy.

“This is David and Goliath,” I said, giving the miniature donkey a quick scratch on his head. “They’re best friends. They’re inseparable. When it rains, David stands underneath Goliath so he won’t get wet. Isn’t that funny?”

“How about that,” said Grandpa, with a laugh. “Unlikely friends.”

“Sorta like me and Steph,” I said. As if on cue, the
donkey, David, swung his little head around and nuzzled Goliath’s knee.

“Aww!” I said. “Horses are always picking out a best friend. It’s cool.”

“How about that? I wonder how they pick each other?” Grandpa squeezed my shoulder. “Be back to get you in a couple of hours, okay?”

As soon as he left, I checked Josie’s white board, where she’d assigned each of us “barn rats” our individual chores.

Time at the barn flew by and the sun rose higher in the sky. After I cleaned the other stalls, I filled the bucket with warm water and went see Commanche.

“Hey, buddy, we gotta do this.” I whispered encouragement as I lifted his hoof and submerged it into the water. Then I poured in the Epsom salts and let them dissolve.

He shook his head, blowing air through his nostrils. I sat on the floor next to his leg,

“That should feel pretty good, buddy,” I said.

His ear cocked back in my direction. He shifted his weight.

Then he butted me with his nose to say hello.

“So … not grumpy anymore, huh?” I said.

Later, while I was grooming him, he swished his tail contentedly. I made sure I showed him each brush before I used it on him, so he’d know what to expect.
He nuzzled my pockets for treats, because I always brought them for him, and I gave him some carrots I’d gotten from Grandma. I stood grooming him, inhaling his horsey smell, and stroking his smooth, solid neck. Worries about everything else flew out of my mind. I didn’t think, I just was.

T
his morning Mama took Matt back to work at the carwash, and he said he’d have no problem getting a ride home. Then she took me to teach my tumbling classes. Those little kids always put me in a good mood. They’re always saying, “Miss Stephanie, watch me, watch me!” and showing me what they’ve learned to do. They’re so limber and full of energy and they crawl all over me like puppies. It makes me feel really good. At the end of class I let them jump around in the pit and they love that. They’re like a bunch of little
jumping beans. There’s a boy in my class who reminds me of a frog, the way he jumps around.

Now Mama and I sat side by side with our feet in warm whirling baths at a nail salon, while two chattering Asian girls massaged them. I’d never had a pedicure before! Mama got them all the time but this was the first time she’d brought me along. Colleen said her older sister had one before she went to the prom, and it was fantastic. It was true! I couldn’t believe Mama had done this. It wasn’t a special occasion or anything.

Right when we walked in, a dark-eyed girl showed us a wall of polishes, where row upon row of beautiful rainbow bottles stood lined on small shelves. They were in every possible color and shade. I stood there staring. How to decide?

I picked a pale pink polish.

“Oh, sugar, can’t you be more adventurous than that?” Mama said. She picked purple. Right away I felt bad about my choice, but I stuck with it. I felt weird having these girls wait on me, but I was kind of sore from trying to kneeboard yesterday and the girl’s strong hands felt so good as she kneaded my feet – my toes, the balls of my feet, my arches, my heels, and around my ankles. I was so relaxed I felt like sinking right through the chair.

The girls massaging our feet were talking to each other in another language. My girl, the one with long
hair, seemed like she was telling a story to Mama’s girl, with short hair. My girl seemed upset about something, and Mama’s girl seemed like she was being supportive. I wondered what the story was about.

I glanced over at Mama. The water bubbled around her feet and she had one hand curled over her brow, so I couldn’t see her face. She was reading a text. I felt like something was bothering Mama. I didn’t know what to do, but I wished I could help.

Thirty minutes later, I wiggled my toes, waiting for the polish to dry. The polish was so shiny! We had these little strips of plastic wound between our toes to keep them separated. Mama had paid and tipped the girls who helped us and she was flipping through a magazine, looking at the ads.

I had nothing really to do so I watched the two Asian girls with their next customers, still talking to each other. I was glad that they were such good friends. It reminded me of Diana, so I texted her.

And she texted back, Cool! What color?

On the way to the mall Mama put the top down in her car and we drove with the wind blowing all
around, and then she turned on the radio really loud and we sang at the top of our lungs. It was really nice to have Mama to myself.

Inside the mall, I picked out a few things to try on. Mama said she liked everything I tried on, and offered to buy anything I wanted. But I could tell something was still bothering her. She kept checking her phone. While we were standing in line to check out, I just asked her, “Mama, is anything wrong?”

She used to talk to me about her feelings of loneliness after the divorce, and when she introduced Barry to me, she said, “I really, really want you to like him, sugar.” Lately she hadn’t talked as much. When I spent time with Mama, I often felt like I was trying and trying to understand what was going on with her, but I never could.

“Are you glad I didn’t go to Asheville?” she asked me.

“Yes!” I said, and I made sure my voice sounded enthusiastic. “I’m so glad I was able to stay with you this weekend and get a pedicure and come shopping and every thing.”

“And maybe we’ll eat dinner at the Cheesecake Factory, how about that?” she said.

“I love the Cheesecake Factory!” I said.

“We’ll go there, then,” she said, squeezing my arm. Her phone dinged, and she glanced at it.

“Mom,” I said. “What’s going on?”

All of a sudden tears sprang to her eyes. “Stephanie … I decided to make a stand this weekend. And … I think what I did does matter. It did make a difference.”

“What do you mean?”

“The other day you said that I always choose Barry, and this time I didn’t. I chose you.”

I stared at her. I knew I should never have said what I said the other day about her choosing Barry.

“The thing is, Sugar, Barry still wants me to come up. He’s waiting for me. The important thing is that he understands that you and I needed some time together, so this was good.” Tears rolled down her cheeks, and she quickly swiped them away.

“Was?” I asked. Everything about this day had seemed strange. Almost like a movie or a play, everything staged.

Mama looked at her watch. “If I leave for Asheville after we go to the Cheesecake Factory, I can get there before midnight.” She wrapped the fingers of one hand around the muscle of her upper arm and squeezed. “You and Matt are getting along okay these days, aren’t you? I mean, is there anything else you wanted to do this weekend? You’ll be all right. I mean, gosh, you babysit, of course you’ll be all right.”

I stared at her. My breath caught in my throat, and my eyes began to sting. She was going to leave. After coming to pick me up last night, she was going to leave me with Matt and go meet Barry.

I
tied my running shoes tightly and did some stretches on the front porch steps.

“Don’t go too far!” Grandma Roberts called, through the screened door. “I don’t want you getting lost, now!”

“I’m not going to get lost,” I said. Their street made a big loop along the lakefront, so all I had to do was keep running and I’d be back home. Sometimes Grandma Roberts worried too much.

I took off to the left and headed down a small hill. A jumble of thoughts flashed through my mind.
Stephanie thought there was something going on between Noah and me. What would it be like if Noah and I got together?

Did I have a crush on Noah, and I just wasn’t admitting it?

Hot pink roses were in full bloom beside mailboxes and in yards. Stark white flowers with a strong perfumey smell bloomed on bushes with dark shiny leaves. Houses lined the lake side of the road, but on the other side stretched acre after acre of piney woods. Occasional patches of sunlight filtered through the branches. I let my gaze wander through the shadowed underbrush in between the trees. In those woods somewhere was there an injured deer, or one that had died, because of me?

I tried to push the thought out of my head. Grandpa Roberts had said the only thing to do was go forward. His saying came back to me. “This too shall pass.” I smiled to myself.

Heat radiated from the dark asphalt. I pounded the road, my breath coming in sharp staccato bursts.

My thoughts came back to Mom and Norm. Stephanie was really worried. She didn’t even know who she’d live with if they split up. I had gotten used to our family. I liked the four of us together. I still had my issues with Norm. I still wasn’t sold on the idea of going to church. I didn’t know where I was in my relationship
with God. My nonexistent relationship with God. But as for Stephanie, I had to admit that now I liked having her to talk to about stuff. Even after all our fighting.

Was it me that was causing the problem for Mom and Norm? Stephanie said she thought that Norm not going to Florida to see her cheerleading competition was what did it. But I bet that wasn’t really it. I bet it was me. I was a pain. I was high-maintenance. I was hard to get along with. I was making Mom have to make choices between me and Norm.

Well, she should choose me, shouldn’t she? I was her daughter. I should come first. A mother should choose her child before her husband. Shouldn’t she?

Did I want Mom to have to pick Norm or me?

The road led uphill, and the muscles on the backs of my legs strained. I tried to breathe with the rhythm of my strides. Three steps breathing in, two steps breathing out.

I followed the road to the right, circling back toward the house. Through the yards of the houses on my right, I could see the bright flashes of the lake just beyond.

Stephanie and I were going to have to do something. Something to keep Mom and Norm together. Convince them that they didn’t have to choose. But what would that be?

My jumbled thoughts began to smooth out. It always happened when I went for a run. Problems that seemed insurmountable somehow became solvable. Just making it to the end of the run became my main goal, and when I managed that, everything else seemed a little easier, too.

I was coming to the last stretch of lakefront homes on my left and piney woods on my right. Right near where I had hit the deer. I glanced at a sunlit patch in the woods and saw a flash.

What was that? Something had moved! I ran a few more steps then stopped and went back. I peered down toward a patch of dappled underbrush right beside a cone of sunlight. I couldn’t really see.

Had I imagined it? It seemed like something small was moving in there. I left the road and headed through the pine needles, my footsteps quiet and silky-sounding. The green pine boughs brushed my arms as I wound my way through, and the air became cooler in the shadows.

A low-hanging bush trembled. And before I knew it, right there in front of me, a spindly little thing was rising unsteadily to its feet and bleating.

It came right up to me! Reaching out with its round black nose. It sounded like it was saying, “Maa! Maa!” The most beautiful little white-spotted fawn that you’ve ever seen — long slim legs, a long narrow muzzle,
creamy white throat, big pear-shaped ears, and the biggest brown eyes, with long straight lashes.

“Maa! Maa!” It was coming towards me! Trying to talk to me, stomping its little hooves, asking me for something.

I could reach out and touch it! This was so amazing, my hands were shaking!

With slow, trembling fingers, I touched the fawn’s head. It didn’t try to run away. Then I ran my palm over its narrow little head and down its neck. The fur was soft, like a short-haired dog’s. It kept bleating, touching its cold wet nose to me. It was smaller than I had imagined a fawn to be. No taller than a cat. It must be really young.

It had the most beautiful row of white markings that started right along its backbone and speckled its sides like stars. I decided it was a girl and that I’d name her Star.

What did she want? She acted hungry. Where was her mother? Surely she would be nearby. Surely she hadn’t abandoned her baby.

I looked around trying to see through surrounding tree trunks in all directions.

The fawn bleated again. I took a step away, and she followed me.

I knelt beside her and petted her small, delicate head.
“Hey, what’s going on?” I said in a soft voice. “Are you hungry? Where’s your mom? Did she leave you here?”

Her ears were so sensitive, twitching this way and that.

Reaching gently around her little body, I picked her up, letting her legs hang down. She was so small, so light. I could feel her little heart beating frantically, and she struggled to escape, her hooves jamming into my arms, but I had a tight hold on her.

I ran home, carrying her in my arms, feeling her soft fur and musky smell next to my T-shirt. She was bleating and trying to kick me with her tiny little hooves, but I tore down the driveway and up the porch steps.

I kicked at the screened door. “Grandma! Grandpa! I found a fawn!”

Grandma came to the door, and her hand flew to her mouth. “Oh, my goodness!”

Grandpa was standing right behind her. “Good night, Miss Agnes!”

“I found her in the woods,” I said. “I didn’t see her mother anywhere. She’s hungry. Do you know what to feed a fawn?”

“Shouldn’t you have just left her there? Maybe her mother is coming back to get her,” Grandma said.

In
The Yearling
, the mother deer had been shot. The mother didn’t ever come back for that fawn.

“Maybe the mother isn’t coming back. We need to
feed her.” I held her tight to my chest. “Can I bring her inside?”

“A wild animal in this house? I should say not!” said Grandma.

“Please?”

“Maybe on the sun porch,” Grandpa suggested.

“Well, don’t bring it through the house!” said Grandma.

I carried the fawn around back and Grandpa opened the door to the sun porch. I brought her in and put her down. She stood uncertainly, in amongst our ski vests and boating equipment, bleating again. She was the most adorable thing I’d ever seen in my life. Everything about her was tiny, from her rounded hooves to the white star-like spots on her sides. She hardly seemed real.

“I named her Star,” I told Grandpa.

“Maybe you should have put her back for her mother to find.” Grandpa ran his hand over her back, and she bleated again. “I guess we better go online and find out what to feed her,” he said.

I knelt beside Star and ran my hand over her bony little backbone. Oh, she was so cute and helpless. She needed me. She stood uncertainly for a moment, staring at me, and then she tottered over to the window and touched her nose to the glass.

Meanwhile Grandpa brought his laptop out onto the
sun porch. I made Star a bed out of old towels Grandma said I could use. I placed her on top of the towels and eventually she folded her long legs under her and sat staring at me, saying “Maa!” every now and then.

It didn’t take long before Grandpa looked up from his computer and said, “It says here mother deer almost never abandon their babies. It says that unless you see the mother dead nearby, to leave the fawn where you found it and wait for the mother to come back.”

I leaned over Grandpa’s shoulder so I could see those words for myself. And I did. Unless you see the mother dead. And I allowed myself to think the thought that had been pushing its way up since I’d found her: What if her mother was the deer I had hit?

“I don’t want to take her back,” I said.

“We can’t keep a wild animal in our house,” said Grandma, poking her head through the open doorway.

“Can we just keep her for a couple of hours?”

“Her mother might be looking for her,” said Grandma. “You should take her back now.”

Blood pumped through my temples. I could feel myself on the verge of shouting at Grandma. I tried to remember what Dr. Shrink had taught me. Take deep breaths. Count to ten.

The article online had definitely said to leave the fawn alone. There was no point in trying to argue with Grandpa about that.

But what if Star’s mother didn’t come back?

I took a deep breath, and tried to keep my tone of voice level. “How about if I take her back now and then go back and check on her in a few hours, and if her mother hasn’t come back, then bring her in?”

Grandpa and Grandma looked at each other.

“We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it,” Grandpa said. “Do you remember where you found her?”

I nodded. Glumly, I gathered Star back into my arms. Her little heart beat rapidly against my chest. “Maa! Maa!” she said, kicking her spindly legs.

“Do you want me to go with you?” Grandpa said.

“No, that’s okay.” I trudged up the driveway and back out onto the road. Every few steps Star said “Maa!” At one point she struggled so much I was afraid I was going to drop her. I walked back to the spot in the woods where I’d found her. There was a big pine with bark missing on its trunk that I remembered.

I looked around, as far as I could see through the tree trunks, to see if there was any sign of her mother. Nothing.

I found the patch of underbrush where I’d found her, and, taking a deep breath, I put her down. She wobbled on her skinny legs. “Maa!” she said.

How could I leave her?

I stood looking at her. She seemed so forlorn, just standing there. I felt like crying. But I had learned
about wildlife, from the time the volunteer had warned me not to feed the wild horses at the Outer Banks. She should be left to wait for her mother.

If her mother came back
.

With one last longing look at her, I turned and walked away. After a few steps, I heard movement behind me and turned back to look. She had started to follow me.

What should I do?

I ran a short distance away and then turned around again. She had stopped.

“Maa!” she said.

I swallowed the lump in my throat, turned away and headed toward the road, practically stumbling. When I reached the road, I turned back to look again. She was gone.

Back at Grandma and Grandpa’s, I was near tears.

“What’s going to happen to Star?” I said, lying face down on the couch. “What if she wanders out into the road?”

“You did the right thing, honey,” Grandma said.

“Promise if I go back late this afternoon and she’s still there, I can bring her back?”

Grandpa and Grandma exchanged glances. After a minute, Grandpa said, “Sure. If she’s still there this
afternoon, I guess that would mean her mother isn’t coming back.”

Suddenly there was an energetic knock at the door.

“Who could that be?” Grandma Roberts said.

Noah! “I’ll get it!” I swiped the tears from my cheeks and raced over. When I opened the door, Noah was standing on the porch, leaning on a black Liquid Force wakeboard.

“Caramba!” he said. His thin face broke wide in a grin. His longish wavy blonde hair was pushed behind his ears, and the sun from the lake’s surface glinted off the small silver hoop in his earlobe. His nose was peeling. He was wearing a pair of blue striped boardshorts and a Nike t-shirt. “Told you I’d show up,” he said. “I’m always up for wakeboarding.”

“Hey!” My heart kind of beat faster, but I acted very cool as I held the door open. “Come on in.”

“Are you okay?” he asked.

“Yeah, sure, sure.”

Picking up his board, Noah awkwardly stepped inside, looking around at my grandparents’ small old-fashioned kitchen and the long oak dining table that Grandma Roberts liked to load with food and surround with family.

Grandma and Grandpa came into the kitchen.

“Hello, there,” Grandpa said to Noah.

Noah leaned his board against the wall and quickly
stepped forward to shake Grandpa’s hand politely. “Hello, sir, I’m Noah Edwards.”

“Good to meet you.” Grandpa looked at me quizzically.

“Hello,” said Grandma Roberts, and Noah took her hand as though he was going to kiss it, but just bent over it slightly. Then released it.

“Nice to meet you, ma’am.”

“You, too,” she said, squinting at me thoughtfully. “Did Diana know you were coming, Noah?”

Noah laughed and scratched his head, mussing his hair. Then he pushed his hair behind his ear. “Uh … I’m not sure.” He raised his eyebrows and grinned at me. He was trying not to get me in trouble, so he was being as vague as possible.

“I invited him!” I said. “Sorry I didn’t mention it. I figured it would be okay if we had another skier.”

“Sure!” Grandpa spread his arms wide. “The more the merrier!”

“So, where’s Stephanie?” Noah asked. “I thought she was staying here this weekend too.”

“She was, but her mom came and got her last night. She changed her plans.”

Noah nodded thoughtfully. “Oh. Bummer.”

“Want to go down on the dock?”

“Sure.”

“Let me just go put on my bathing suit.” I ran
upstairs and, rushing to find my bathing suit, dumped my suitcase out on the bed. I wished Stephanie hadn’t left. I could’ve asked her which bathing suit to wear or maybe even borrowed one of hers. I put on a black two-piece that she and Mom had talked me into getting. But then I was embarrassed and put a t-shirt over it. I skimmed back downstairs.