Sean (24 page)

Maria sighed and looked around. “She’s been staying with me. I’m always going to make sure she’s okay. She changed around her entire schedule so that she could take the lead in
Grease,
and to be honest, I don’t think she has a spare second for you right now.”

“She got the lead?” I whispered.

“Aww, fuck!” she said. “You didn’t hear that from me, but yes, and it’s kicking her ass trying to fit it all into her life. It isn’t helping that you’re calling her twice a day. She’s trying to get over you.” She wasn’t sugar-coating anything.

“Thank you so much, Maria, for talking to me. I know I’ve messed it up with her but I
can’t back away and act like the last four months never happened. She has to face me sooner or later and I’ll show her how sorry I am.” There was no way I was backing down.

“You’re a persistent one, I’ll give you that.” She shook her head. “But you’re actually hurting her more by
being a daily reminder of her pain. She’s struggling, Sean. Is that what you want?”

“Maria!”
some guy yelled from the front door.

“Shit! I’ve got to go.” She took off.

I got in my car and headed home. That wasn’t the way I wanted the night to go, but I was relieved that Brynn was okay and that she was staying with a friend. I smiled at the thought of her getting the lead in
Grease.
I wondered what had happened with the other girl. I imagined Brynn out-dancing her in front of crowds of people, proving her unmatched talent. I chuckled. It was the first time I’d smiled in a while. I was really proud of my girl.

I made my nightly call when I got home.

“Brynn, please don’t be mad at me for coming to see you tonight. You looked as beautiful as ever. I miss you.”

I felt guilty as I thought about what Maria had said about me hurting Brynn by being a daily reminder of her pain. Maybe if I were a daily reminder of how amazing she was
, she’d be more likely to communicate with me. Just maybe.

The next day I went to the theater and bought a ticket to
Grease
. It didn’t start until the first of December, but I was ready. I also sent a huge bouquet of flowers to Angel at Sashay. All I wrote on the card was, ‘My girl.’

I sat home the rest of the weekend and dodged calls from Gia and my Mom. I hadn’t even told Gia about Brynn and me.
I lied when she asked about Brynn, telling her that she’d been really busy and I’d be sure to have her call. I couldn’t bear to tell anyone what Brynn had said to me that day when we left the airport. I couldn’t bear to say the words. Then I’d have to face the truth and I couldn’t.

I finally returned my Mom’s call Sunday evening
, assuring her that I’d be there for Thanksgiving on Thursday. The thought of another holiday season alone was almost too much but I did a good job of hiding it from her. My family didn’t know anything about my relationship with Brynn, so at least I didn’t have to explain that.

***

When I met with Dr. Miller on Tuesday morning, I had no idea that it was going to be huge for me. It would test what little hope I had left for a life with Brynn. It would shove the truth I’d unknowingly been hiding deep within me out for the world to see.

We’d been working on my feelings toward Gia. Dr. Miller was adamant about it for weeks. We’d gone over the same things over and over. She was my best friend and I loved her. She’d given me back what I’d lost so long ago when I lost Gretchen
. She was so much like Gretchen; sexy, bossy, and mouthy. I couldn’t see what he saw when I looked at it, until that day.

The ride home was bittersweet. I’d spent over a month denying what had been so obvious to Dr. Miller and Brynn. Yes, it was true that I loved Gia. It was true that I dropped everything when she called
, and as much as I hated to admit it, I had put her first, in front of Brynn. Gia was a second chance for me. From the first second I saw her at the hotel, I was obsessed, it was true, but not in the way that Brynn thought. I was obsessed in helping her, protecting her, and spending time with her, in a way that alleviated some of the guilt I still carried over not being able to do any of those things for Gretchen.

When I lost Gretchen
, I was overwhelmed with a feeling of being out of control. It was common when losing someone in a split second and not even being able to say good-bye. Through my years of downward spiral and then back to the surface with intense therapy, I’d faced and even overcome most of that out of control feeling. When I helped Gia take control of her life, it gave me a fulfilling feeling so intense that I felt unnaturally close and protective of her. I wasn’t in love with Gia. I was in love with the way she made me feel whole again.

I couldn’t believe Brynn had thrown it r
ight in my face and I still didn’t see it. I thought about all the times I’d pushed Brynn aside when it came to Gia and I was ashamed. The only thing that kept me sane was knowing that I hadn’t done it intentionally. I called Brynn when I got home.

“Brynn, you were right about Gia. I’m so sorry. I put her needs ahead of yours on numerous occasions.
I understand now why you felt the way you did. I’d love to talk with you about it, but I know you won’t call and I don’t blame you. I want you to know you were always my first choice and you still are. There’s so much more about Gia and Gretchen that I realized today with Dr. Miller. It’s amazing what I learned about myself once I shut up and listened. I’m so sorry I didn’t shut up and listen all those times when I’d disappointed you.”

I showered, ate, and called Gia. I’d been avoiding her long enough and now that I had a handle on who she really was to me, I had to confront it.

“It’s about time you called,” she said. “I was beginning to think you’d lapsed into a coma or something!”

“Sorry. It’s been a rough month.”

“Sean, what’s going on?” She was concerned.

“After you and Ethan left, Brynn broke it off with me. I haven’t talked to her since.” I heard Gia gasp. My heart was heavy.

“But you said Brynn was fine and that she was busy when I’d asked about her.”

“I lied. I’ve been trying, all this time, to get her back. I didn’t want to face the fact that she really did end it
. I assumed we’d work it out.” Saying the words killed me.

“And now?”

“Now, I don’t know. I hope we still have a chance. I’m not giving up, but today I realized some things that I’d been doing to her that weren’t very nice. I don’t deserve her. She’s so pure and sweet. I hurt her.” I felt like scum. It was painful to face.

“I take it you’ve been seeing Dr. Miller?”

“Yes. Do you know that I’ve had a weird obsession with you?” I had to talk about it with her. I had to get past it.

“Yes.” I could hear her smile. “Thank god you’re dealing with this, Sean. Do you remember the conversation you and I had here when you came to visit? The one when I told you that you were just scared, and that you’d know how you really felt about me once you fell in love with someone else?”

“I remember,” I said, although I had forgotten about it because it made no sense to me at the time and I thought she was wrong.

“Was I
on track?” she asked.

“Yes, right on. Gia, I never wanted a romantic relationship with you, I just wanted…you. Does that make any sense at all?” It sounded stupid.

“Actually, yeah, it does. You wanted everything I stood for, all the things I proved still existed, the things you’d shared with Gretchen. I even reminded you of her. It was perfect the way you and I helped each other, but you weren’t quite ready to fall in love again, were you? You weren’t ready for Brynn when she shot the arrow through your heart. You were still in la-la land, high off the realization that you could have it all again, but scared of losing it all again.” She knew it. She’d tried to warn me, but I was in denial.

“Exactly,” I said. “I’m sorry I did that to you. I was so confused by the way I felt about you that I couldn’t see straight. I do love you, Gia, so much. You’re closer than a sister to me, you’re a soul mate, just not the kind Brynn is. I’m in love with her so deeply. She’s all I’d ever need, and more. What am I going to do, Gia? I can’t lose her.” I cried silently as my heart ached.

“I’ll do my best to help you, Sean. Tell me everything.”

I told her about the break-up and what Brynn had said to me. I told her about the phone calls and the trips to her apartment and to Sashay. I told her everything I could remember about the last month from hell.

“Sean, have you even told her that you love her?” She was angry.

“No, I didn’t want to scare her off.”

“Jesus Christ! What the fuck is wrong with you? She’d practically begged you to tell her how you felt! Then you turn around and tell me you love me right in front of her? Fuck, she probably hates me!” She sighed a very loud, annoyed sigh. “Okay, well, I like what you’ve been doing, but since it’s been a month, you may want to switch it up a bit. I think she’s going to have some reaction to the message you left her today. At least she’ll feel like you’re working on becoming a better person and that you’ve realized what you were feeling towards me. Maybe let her think about it for a day or two. Don’t call. See what happens.”

When I got off the phone with Gia
, I felt a little better. At least I’d come clean with her about everything and she said she’d try to call Brynn. I knew Brynn hadn’t been in contact with her, so she probably wouldn’t answer, but it was worth a try.

I
laid low for the rest of the night and Wednesday. When I woke up Thanksgiving morning, I called Brynn for the first time since I left her the message about Gia. I was shocked at the three long beeps I heard.

“We’re sorry, the number you’ve dialed has been disconnected or is no longer in service
…”

I hung up and dialed again. Same recording.
Fuck!
I sat and stared at the floor. Brynn didn’t want anything to do with me. She didn’t want any more messages from me. I couldn’t even wish her a happy Thanksgiving.

Spending the day
with my parents kept me from going completely insane. I did a good job of hiding my broken heart from them. The last thing I wanted to do was talk about it and ruin an otherwise perfect day with my family.

***

I was a nervous wreck on opening night. You’d think I was the one who was about to make my big debut. I’d sent a huge bouquet to Brynn at the theater with a note that simply said “Congratulations.”

I got there two hours early and wandered around
, hoping to catch a glimpse of her. There were show posters all over with pictures of Brynn and the rest of the cast. I wondered if the someone she said she’d met was one of the cast members. I immediately got the painful thought out of my mind. I had to focus on getting her back, nothing else.

I took my seat after an hour and a half of wandering. I was unsuccessful in my quest to bump into her but I knew it was a long shot from the start. I saw a group of girls that I recognized
as dancers from Sashay and I wondered if they closed the club to come to the opening. I was happy that Brynn had their support.

I had nervous butterflies when the curtain opened
, but as soon as I saw that innocently beautiful face, it faded away. I was in awe from her first line to her last. I’d never heard her sing before and it was as angelic as I imagined. The entire show revolved around her and the whole place fell in love with my girl. I was beyond proud of her.

***

I dreamt of her that night and almost every other night in December. I talked about the dreams with Dr. Miller and he helped me come to terms with the fact that I’d lost her. He made me realize that it was me who wasn’t ready, not Brynn, and that she’d waited for me as long as she could. I knew she’d given me several chances to get my shit together, but I didn’t come out of pause mode until it was too late. I didn’t know what I had until she was gone.

Christmas was tough, as it had been
every year since I’d lost Gretchen. I stared at my Christmas tree, remembering how I’d proposed to her by the one we’d shared and then made love in front of it after she’d said yes. I smiled as I pictured her standing there, tears in her eyes while I fumbled with the ring. I’d never been so nervous and excited at the same time. My phone rang and brought me back to the present.

It was my buddy, Corey, inviting me to a New Year’s
Eve bash he was having. I agreed to go, knowing New Year’s was especially hard for me and it would be a good distraction. Corey knew it, too, and I was sure he’d try to set me up with some stuck-up rich girl to ease my pain. Little did he know there was only one girl I wanted now and she sure as hell wouldn’t be at a party on Corey’s side of town.

The week between Christmas and New Year’s was slow and depressing. Every morning when I got up I tried to be positive
, but within an hour or two I’d be feeling sorry for myself again. I wished I would’ve volunteered to work at the hotel during Christmas break. At least I would’ve been doing something besides unsuccessfully trying to study or daydreaming about beach days, zip-lines, and sex with Brynn.