Screens and Teens (7 page)

If you don't like reading aloud, audiobooks are plentiful these days—and not just for long road trips in the car (though that works really well for helping the family do something together instead of having almost every person in the car isolated by his or her own headphones!).

So hang on to the pastime of reading together as a family as long as you can. If it seems to have dropped away in the busyness of life, sneak it back in at the holidays or on a road trip. Make some memories as you connect over a great story!

Celebrate Boredom

Today's teens chafe against boredom—and they're easily bored. They run from boredom and attempt to fill every waking moment with something to keep them entertained. But we want them to do more than just accept that boredom is a fact of life. Boredom is better than that! It's actually valuable, so what if we changed the paradigm and taught our teens that it's good to be bored sometimes? We all need to get off the “human-doing treadmill” and rest our minds and bodies.

Times of boredom spark tremendous creativity! It's during the downtimes that teens' brains process and consolidate information.
¹³
This is good for us busy adults, too. Most of us have had that experience of struggling with a knotty problem—and then suddenly experience the “Aha!” moment while lying down to sleep or when we're in a waiting room somewhere. What I've learned about the benefits of rest, quiet, and boredom reinforce my decision not to listen to music on airplanes and sometimes just sit. I may appear to be doing nothing, but as learning is consolidated and creativity is birthed, new insights regularly leap into my brain!

Boredom cultivates reflection, generates ideas, develops curiosity, increases creativity, and inspires vision. Letting our thoughts wander sparks ideas that might not have been able to surface in the busyness of life. Rather than telling ourselves we're missing out on something important by pushing the pause button on occasion, we need to tell ourselves and our teens that there is
much to be gained by allowing boredom to enter our lives every once in a while.

Celebrate Play

When two people play together, strong emotional connections form. This is one reason my brother and I are so close. He and I always played together, and we still do! My brother and his three children, now young adults, are close and enjoy each other so much because they have always played together and still do.

In their book
The Big Disconnect
, Catherine Steiner-Adair and Teresa Barker talk about the power of play:

Sometimes a parent's style of play can take the teens by surprise. They're just not expecting Dad to sneak up, ninja-style, with
a can of Silly String or Mom suddenly to whip out a deck of cards and shuffle and deal like a cardsharp! Drag out the board games on a rainy night. For sure, make the most of power outages (hide the batteries if you have to!) for playing games or telling stories.

One friend of mine found that when she and her husband invented seasonal games, her children immediately made those into family traditions—and looked for them to happen again the next year. They hide their kids' Easter baskets along with the eggs and make them hunt for them (they do it on the Saturday of Holy Week to keep it off the celebration of Resurrection Sunday). They have a treasure hunt late on Christmas Day, hours after the regular presents have been opened and enjoyed. The clues are goofy and take the kids all over the house. The treasure box usually holds books or art supplies, wrapped for Christmas. When the kids were little and they made caramel apples for the first time, she and her husband kidnapped the plate of apples while they were cooling and left a trail of clues for the kids. Now they expect caramel apples to disappear
every
time the family has them. Her kids are high school and college students now, and guess what? They haven't yet outgrown their joy in the family “games.”

There's a timeworn saying that the “family who prays together stays together.” I'd add, “the family that plays together stays together” too. When your teens see that you enjoy being with
them, those deep core needs for security and belonging and identity are being fed.

Cultivate Gratefulness

Grateful children act less entitled and are more content. They're less selfish, self-centered, argumentative, and demanding. We'll dig into these character issues in the next chapters as we discover how technology and gratitude are related. For now, let's simply understand the importance of growing grateful kids.

Thankfulness
is actually an old Anglo-Saxon word that means “thinkfulness.”
¹⁵
Thinking leads to thanking. I'm not talking about teens who say “thank you” because their dads glare at them. I'm talking about
grateful
being who we are, not just what we do and say. Gratitude can be a built-in part of our identities. This is what allows us to be thankful “in all circumstances” (1 Thessalonians 5:18).

The first and best way your kids will grow in thankfulness is for you to practice being thankful—and verbalizing your feelings of gratitude, toward God and toward others. If this kind of speaking up about your feelings of thankfulness feels awkward, start small, maybe by expanding your thanks as you pray over meals or by speaking up about one thing you feel thankful for, perhaps when you're driving your teen somewhere. As you speak your thankfulness, it will become easier and more natural for you.

If your teens need to wake up to how much they really have, it can jumpstart their thankfulness to get them out and about
with people who have significant needs. Any local food pantry would joyfully welcome teen volunteers (or family volunteers)! Many youth groups offer teens opportunities to serve the under-resourced or the homeless, especially at the holidays or in the cold winter months. Many elementary schools have mentoring or tutoring programs for their at-risk students and would be glad for teen helpers. If your teens have the chance to travel to emerging countries, that can be an eye-opener for them as well. Your teens may be aware of world and poverty issues via their screens, but seeing images doesn't carry the immediacy of real-life interaction with people who are needier than they are. Help create opportunities for your children to find their gratitude!

We've explored teens' core needs and their unique traits, and now we've established some basic less-and-more guidelines. We need to modify some of the practices that have crept into our lifestyle. Some things definitely need to be
less
—less screen time and noise to overwhelm, stress, and fatigue our teens. And there are some things we want to do
more
—more family connection, more books, more quiet, more play, more boredom, more gratitude.

We can turn our attention to the specific lies that come through—overtly or covertly—to our teens through the technology in their lives. We have the privilege and responsibility to help debunk these false messages and to introduce truth to change the minds of the young people we love.

F
or as long as I can remember, I've been a bit of a clean freak about my glasses. I keep a hot-pink cloth for cleaning them in my purse. I have a white one by the chair in my den, a gray one in an office desk drawer, and a blue one in a bathroom drawer. It totally bugs me when my glasses aren't clean. Any fingerprint smudge can make what I'm looking at appear out of focus.

Having the right prescription is more important. The slightest improvement can make a huge difference with corrective lenses. Many times, I thought I was seeing just fine until my annual checkup. A minor adjustment felt major; I hadn't realized how out of focus things had become.

You've got an invisible pair of glasses—and so does your teen. Those are the lenses through which you look at life. If the glasses are out of focus with the wrong prescription, we won't see things
accurately. Right things can look wrong, and wrong things can look right.

These metaphorical glasses are our basic worldview.
¹
Our particular prescription is made up of our beliefs and assumptions that act as our filter. We interpret what we see, hear, think, feel, and experience through our prescription. Therefore, what we believe and assume will influence everything new. What we think we “clearly” know may be a bit blurry without us realizing it. We react to everything based on the beliefs that make up our prescription.

For example, you could enter a contest and win the newest and greatest tablet. Your worldview—your prescription—determines how you interpret your victory. If you believe in fate, you may think,
It's my lucky day!
If you believe you're the most important person in the universe and the world revolves around you, you may think,
I don't know why everyone is so surprised or upset. It makes total sense I'd win because I deserve to win
. If you believe Jesus is Lord over everything, you may think,
I sure don't deserve this good gift, but I thank You for it, Lord. Show me how to be a good steward of Your generosity
.
²

Based on observations and study, we can say this generation's prescription of beliefs and assumptions are frequently
not
centered in the God of the Bible or a relationship with Jesus Christ. This is often the case even for those who claim to know and love Him. Rather, their worldview is centered in
themselves. They and their technology are most important. Without realizing it, they've become their own gods.

Many young people make decisions only with themselves in mind. This has been true of many teens throughout time, but this kind of self-on-the-throne does seem to be at an all-time high. Teens can behave as if the world revolves around them—or at least as if they wish it did! My coworker, project manager Nancy Matheis, visualizes their worldview as a wheel. Each teen is at the center of his or her world. The spokes, representing things like family, peers, ideas, goals, school, church, media, and other technology, all point to them. All these aspects of their lives are in place and designed to serve them.

A Christian worldview could also be represented by a wheel. God would be at the center of that wheel, the hub where all the spokes meet. The spokes He created and influences would go out from His heart. Each of us represents one of many, many spokes. He designed us to serve and glorify Him. Therefore, spokes representing believers radiate outward but also point back to God.

When talking about how intertwined teens have become with their technology, Randy Thomas, our online content and social media manager, offered this wise word:

Clearly, a main reason to know our teens' worldview is that it heavily influences what they understand about God and how they'll relate to Him. And we desperately need to understand our own worldview because our prescription influences how we parent our children and who we hope they will become. They're watching us and listening. We must take our role modeling seriously.

Many of our young people are wearing glasses with the prescription “It's all about me” or “I am the center of my own universe.” Many of our teens may understand God as someone who meets their needs and keeps them happy. They don't wonder about humanity's relationship to God because it's God's relationship with them
personally
that matters. God serves them; they don't serve God. The idea that God is His own Person, with His own ideas that won't always agree with theirs, is a completely foreign thought. They are blinded enough by the glare of their screens to not be able to see through His prescription. (Notice
that I use the phrase
many of our teens
. I'm very grateful for every Christian teen who knows, loves, serves, and glorifies God with his or her worldview!)

As I ponder and pray for this generation particularly and for all of us as well, Marshall McLuhan's words from his 1964 book
Understanding Media
come to mind: “Societies have been shaped more by the nature of the media men use to communicate than by the content of the communication.”
³
More than fifty years later, his words are still ringing true.

The I-am-the-center-of-my-own-universe lie is so influential and controlling that I call it an “umbrella worldview lie.” Teens believe the other lies partly because they first think they are the center of their own universe.

Let's examine this lie further and explore the reasons teens believe the lie, how it influences their beliefs and behaviors, and what we can do about it. As we explore this lie and the ones in the chapters just ahead, keep applying what you read to your personal situation with your particular children. Your particular children will have their own strengths and weaknesses that may make them more susceptible to the influence of certain lies. You know your children best! As you begin to understand the lies driving some of your children's beliefs and behaviors and read about possible methods for replacing lies with the truth, you will gravitate toward some suggestions more than others. You will also develop your own solutions—the best ones for your own family.

God's Word, with its rich instruction, will also shape our
understanding of these lies and and lead us toward what is true. It will be our guide as we help our teens trade lies for the truth.

My Parents Make Me the Center

Parents sometimes over-prioritize their children. Children should know they're important to their parents. But, as we teach at Celebrate Kids, anything well done, overdone, is badly done. Too much attention reinforces the prescription “It's all about me.”

As Jill Savage and I point out in our book
No More Perfect Kids
, when we hover over our children, constantly making sure they're okay and attending what they're doing, we communicate, “I can't live without you.”
⁴
As a result, kids can develop an inflated and unhealthy view of themselves.

The number of pictures, videos, and status updates some parents post of their children on Facebook and other social media contributes to children believing they make the world go 'round. I'm not opposed to us posting pictures or updates about our children. But this shouldn't be
all
we post. If it is, our teens can feel we're meeting
our
needs for security, identity, and belonging in them. They may believe their purpose is to keep us happy and they're only competent when they do. More than one teen has proclaimed to me, “I wish my mom would get a life!” (Occasionally they'll say “parents,” but I usually hear this complaint about moms.)

Children who believe they are the center of the universe can
come to feel that they're entitled. They think they deserve people's attention and may act out to get it. (Does anyone in Hollywood come to mind?) When their worldview is “The world revolves around me,” it's easy for them to become self-absorbed and demanding. They may even treat others with disdain and contempt. They'll be selfish in their friendships and prideful about accomplishments. Even things done well with others will be centered around them to keep this lie in place. As you can imagine, all of this self-focus negatively affects relationships. Teens may actually be lonely, and they won't experience the joy of loving others sacrificially or helping others generously.
⁵

So what can you do to compensate for this over-prioritizing your children, if you identify that this has been happening in your family? Many positive steps will help reverse this negative pattern!

1. We can apologize
. If we recognize our kids are behaving as if they're more important than others and we may be partly responsible because of how we prioritize them, we can apologize. We can discuss what beliefs and choices caused this and determine how to relate instead.

2. We can introduce them to Jesus
. Knowing Jesus as their personal Savior and Lord helps them understand the world doesn't revolve around them. When they know they're following
Jesus, they're less likely to expect people to follow them.

3. We can teach them about creation
. Let's teach that God created the world to display Himself. The world is about Him and for Him.
⁶
Understanding this moves God to the rightful place in their world.

4. We can help them understand why God created them
. Starting as soon as possible (when kids are young—or right now!), it's important to communicate that each of us is important because God created us and He didn't have to. He wanted to! Each teen is created in His image (Genesis 1:27) and for His glory (Isaiah 43:7). We're created uniquely (Psalm 139:14) the way He wanted us to be (Ephesians 2:10). When we act as if we we're created for our own glory or we see our kids doing the same, we must stop and do some self-reflection in light of these verses. Then we can change our behaviors to reflect God's will and not our own whims.

5. We can provide volunteer opportunities
. One of the surest ways to show teens they don't make the world go 'round is to help them get their eyes off themselves by helping others. Doing something together is especially effective because you can affirm your teen's strengths and attitudes as you work side by side. You can then talk about how it felt to put others first. Understanding
how
your teens are smart can help discover activities they'll be good at and enjoy. There are many kinds of intelligence strengths, and identifying your teens' particular gifts can direct them to specific service ministries. Celebrate Kids offers resources to help you discover types of intelligence.
⁷

Technology Can Be about Only What We Like and Want

The use of technology can cause any of us to become self-centered. It's so focused on the consumer! If you trawl online one afternoon for a certain kind of T-shirt or new boots, advertisers for T-shirts and boots will appear on your Facebook news feed for weeks. When you buy a book on Amazon.com or borrow one via a library app, book suggestions will appear, tailored just for you based on your buying preferences and books that other people bought who also purchased the book you did. That computer seems to know you and be conforming to your particular needs! The computer reinforces the untruth: It's all about me!