Science...For Her! (4 page)

FIG. 0.15

proportional to her frame), Kelly (my best friend who had kids really young), Erica (my best friend who’s a baby), Whitney (my best friend whose favorite part of the Holy Trinity is the Holy Ghost, WTF), Courtney (my best friend when I’m wearing a corset), Erin (my best friend even though she has a boy’s name), Angela (my best friend who’s currently having a heart attack as I write this, hang in there, babe!), Jan (my best friend who’s my aunt), Andrea (my best friend who literally is my cousin), Jamie (my best friend who can tell the future and she said I’m going to be so skinny in 2042!!), Lisa (my best friend when we’re in upstate New York), Tammy (my best friend to slap because she has such a high pain tolerance), J.J. (my best friend whose name basically looks like a typo), Julie (my best friend who
can tie a cherry stem in a knot using only her mouth, hands, and glue), Tracy (my best friend when we’re getting acupuncture), Dawn (my best friend to wash oil off little baby ducklings during oil spills with), Karen (my best friend who turned from an ugly duckling into a butterface swan), Susan (my best friend who is deathly allergic to peanuts, buzzkilllll), Christine (my best friend who won’t eat anything but buttered noodles), Cynthia (my best friend who used to own her own ballet studio), Lori (my best friend who’s a body pillow), Patricia (my best friend who played cello and her best friend was Anna Wu, that bitch), Pamela (my best friend who only made junior varsity in soccer, what a loser), Wendy (my best friend who never wants to grow up), Sandy (my best friend who got thigh lipo [“thigpo”]), Stacy (my best friend who puts cheese on her apple pie),
FIG. 0.16
Debbie (my best friend who’s an awesome nurse), Nita (my best friend who I used

FIG. 0.16

to think was named Pita, so random!), Carolyn (my best friend who looks so great for her age), Bernice (my best friend who is an organ donor [TMI]), Betsy (my best friend who’s an anesthesiologist), Janice (my best friend who has a collection of nutcrackers), Shannon (my best friend who is a collection of nutcrackers), Kit (my best friend who ghostwrote the Bible), April (my best friend whose brother was my prom date), Lesley (my best friend who is so glamorous she wears fur sports bras), BenSimone (my best friend who I think might be JonBenét all grown up and in hiding), Lindsey (my best friend who has too few or too many livers, I don’t remember), Kristin (my best friend who loves to “mess” with “Texas”), Roberta (my best friend with the most Twitter followers, that bitch), Ezri (my best friend who is so in love with boat shoes, WTF, it’s like marry them bitch), Blostam (my best friend whose name was supposed to be Blossom but they made a
typo on her birth certificate), Edna (my best friend who married my best friend Chad and didn’t invite me, so on second thought are we best friends, really?! Answer: YES!), Bradena (my best friend who worked at an amusement park and secretly dated one of the kid visitors for like two weeks), Alicia (my best friend who married her high school sweetheart, TOO CUTE!), Donna (my best friend who works at Dunkin’ Donuts, be careful of those donuts, Donna, so many carbs!), Rose (my best friend who’s a lesbo #YOLO #nohomo), Petra (my best friend who is this amazing female actress and comedienne), Aparna (my best friend who is an Indian, dot not feather, though I bet she would wear a feather, she has such bad fashion sense, barf!), Vanessa (my best friend whose favorite movie is
Never Been Kissed
), Augusta (my best friend who took Krokodil and now her skin is on the floor), Audra (my best friend who is a goddamn diva), Ronnie (my best friend who sometimes forgets to eat and I am so jealous of that I sometimes pepper her Diet Cokes with those silica gel packets they put in dried foods), Jonna (my best friend who loves the Cheesecake Factory almost as much as I do #CheesecakeFactory #Glamburgers), Artis (my best friend who taught me how to write),
FIG. 0.17
Natasa (my best friend from Croatia), Billie (my best friend who yells so much she feels like the HUMAN VERSION OF CAPS LOCK), Ashton (my best friend with mild OCD), Mary Ellen (my best friend when I’m in the “Deep South” [giving head]), Tricia (my best friend who’s a poet statue made out of clay), Kara (my best friend with bushy hair), Mary-Todd (my best friend who got a brain tumor which sucks because they had to shave her head and she had such great bangs), Bridga (my best friend who is fleeing on horseback from her volleyball team), Kiki (my best friend who has the cutest dog Pip), Sammi (my

FIG. 0.17

best friend who is an inner-city schoolteacher), Aleks (my best friend when I’m in Richmond, Virginia), Juliet (my best friend who’s a fun and flirty place mat), Maria (my best friend who fell off a roof and now can’t talk so basically she’s the
best listener!), Lolo (my best friend who invented erasers I think), Mrs. A (my best friend who taught me first grade), Celine (my best friend who is Céline Dion), Mrs. L (my best friend who makes meat pies), Kathryn (my best friend that’s an apple [not apple-shaped, she’s a literal apple]), Tara (my best friend who burnt two of her fingers to the stump, weirdly), Magda (my best friend who has a British accent),
FIG. 0.18
Monica (my best friend to suck the president’s dick alongside), Jacqueline (my best friend to dip in

FIG. 0.18

ketchup and wrestle with), Holly (my best friend who was the baby on
Breaking Bad
), Cassandra (my best friend who is a figure from ancient Greece), Brandy (my best friend who’s married to the sea), Chelsea (my best friend who has a podcast), Brandie (my best friend who has pink hair), Leslie (my best friend when I want to get froyo), Diana (my best friend who was literally a candle in the wind), Dana (my best friend with food poisoning), Jenna (my best friend who has a birthmark so big I only look at it and I’ve never seen her face), Brooke (my best friend whose eyes are literally bigger than her stomach, she is a freak), Matilda (my best friend who is Jackie’s roommate), Valerie (my best friend who is a witch and has cast four VERY powerful spells on my reproductive organs), Caitlin (my best friend who is an actual wino), Stacey (my best friend who can sew hats), Brittney (my best friend who stole my health-insurance card but she gave it back),
FIG. 0.19
Margaret (my best friend who is Greek but she’s so swarthy you’d think she’s Tunisian

FIG. 0.19

or something), Sandra (my best friend who invested a lot in Slim Jim stock), Tali (my best friend who once invited a bunch of black people to a party, AWKWARD), Joanne (my best friend who is I think like an actual British dame but she might just be like a British dock worker with a cool accent), Phyllis (my best friend who has such an old-lady name she should be dead, and she is!), Lucille (my best friend who is my landlady, sorry about the clogged toilet, babe! It was Taco Tuesday!),
FIG. 0.20
Candice (my best friend who won a MacArthur “genius” grant even though

FIG. 0.20

she’s basically retarded), Nasia (my best friend to roast bones with), Meghan (my best friend who has my name but she spells it wrong because she’s retarded), LaToya (my best friend to speak Yiddish with), Bethany (my best friend to eat the crusts off my pizza for me, she is a cow!), Misty (my best friend who is so stupid that she actually believes horoscopes [makes sense though, she
is
a Leo]), Katrina (my best friend who is classically ugly), Karey (my best friend who has super hipster glasses, they don’t even have lenses in them! Side note: Karey is legally blind), Kelsey (my best friend who’s not a lesbian she’s just super athletic), Joy (my best friend when we’re using Photoshop to reduce my thighs into tiny little chopsticks), Jillian (my best friend who has huge cankles), Denise (my best friend who pronounces her name like it rhymes with “Vanessa”), Sabrina (my best friend who worships the devil), Gina (my best friend when I’m hiking up to the Hollywood sign), Jill (my best friend who’s a sassy manager), Eryn (my best friend who’s a sultry manager), L.W. (my best friend who’s a kickass LA agent), Gregoria (my best friend who’s a kickass LA agent with stubble like a man), Daniella (my best friend who sends all our friends lemon pound cakes for Christmas every year), Alana (my best friend who tore her Achilles playing basketball like a real idiot), Michaela (my best friend who I will forever be indebted to for giving me my awesome job), Bennie (my best friend who I regret telling that I once hemorrhaged blood into my
shoes), Marina (my best friend whose nickname is Panther), Donica (my best friend who won’t give a blowjob unless he dips it in orange juice first),
FIG. 0.21
Sam (my best friend when we’re doing the
New York Times
crossword puzzle), Harissa