Scattered Leaves (18 page)

Haw cruel, I thought, and like a fog starting to thin out and disappear. I began to see through the clouded past and understand why my grandmother might have resented her sister, who'd been prettier, softer, more like the little girl her father had wanted. In fact. I suddenly thought Grandmother Emma was like the little 1 outside the storefront window looking in at the rich little girl inside surrounded by the things she would never have.
But why, then, had she sent me here? Had she known I would be more trouble?
Was I really what Great-aunt Frances suspected. Grandmother Emma's revenge lobbed like a ball of fire and pain from her bed of misery where she lay condemned by her own bitter heart?
Or was I somehow her plea for forgiveness?
I believed the answer waited impatiently to be heard somewhere within the shadows in this old house,

After dinner, as usual. Great-aunt Frances went to watch television. She wanted to leave the dishes for the morning, but as soon as she left the kitchen. I cleaned up. Then I hurried back to my room to complete my homework so I could dig into Ian's letters again. Finally, I was able to pull out the bag of them from the closet and begin.

Dear Jordan,
Today, when they brought me to see Dr. Walker, he
^-
wasn't in his office yet, so I had the chance to look at some of the paperwork on his desk, and I made a terribly sad discovery. Our own father is spineless. He gave them terrible lies about me and then he signed the bottom of the paper. I studied his signature carefully and made another discovery. Our father is a cockroach. I should have known. He always ran or hid from any threat, any criticism. He looks for a safe hole and crawls in it.
I confirmed this after Dr. Walker came in, sat behind his desk and started to question me. I told him I was very saddened to realize that my father was a cowardice insect. I explained it all carefully so he would see there was no sense in trying to get me to change
my
mind.
"It's grandmother's fault," I told him.
"Why?" he wanted to know.
"My grandmother is a spider," I said. "She wove a web and trapped us all in it. She caught our father in the web shortly after he was born and she kept him under her control. Now that he is injured and can't even crawl away he can do nothing but what she tells them to do.
Dr. Walker looked very impressed. He nodded and took his notes and then he asked me what I thought that made me.
"You are, after all, his son, are you not?"
"I'm not sure," I said. "I'm not finished with my research about that."
"What about your sister?"
"The same,
"
I told him. "Let's just say the jury is still out. We are still weighing all the evidence before we decide.
"
He smiled.
We then got into a long conversation about good and evil and I told him neither existed. Things are simply what they are. Is it bad that we eat cows, lamb and chicken? It's not too good for them, I said and he laughed.
"Everything that lives," I said, "lives off something else
that lives, especially
you,'
"Me?"
He lost his smile. "In especially
me?"
"You live off of me and the others here," I said. "If we didn't exist, neither could you."
"Tell, do I have a right to exist?' he asked me.
I told him in this world even a black widow has a right to exist. Existence is in and of itself a reason to exist, It
wouldn't have been created if nature didn't want it created. Once something is born, no matter what it is, it fights to stay alive, so it
must
have as much of a right to exist as anything.
He looked confused for a moment and then he smiled and said that I had given him something interesting to ponder.
"See?" I told him then. 'Thinking is what gives you meaning. Without me, you wouldn't have a reason to be."
He laughed. Despite his orders concerning n e, I think he's getting to like me. I don't care, of course, but I might find to use that someday. He'll trust me,
Which brings me to why I'm writing this letter to you, Jordan. Do not trust
our
father, especially if Grandmother Emma dies. I'm not sure yet, but I think when that happens,
he
^-
will turn into a spider and you might get caught in his web.
I'll let you know what else I learn,
Ian
.
This letter frightened me so much that I threw it down quickly and took deep breaths. Then I folded it and stuffed it into the envelope. I put all the letters back in the bag and hid them again in the closet, closing the door as if I thought they could come crawling out like the insects Ian had described. Oh, why did I start reading his letters now? I asked myself. Because I had. I was afraid to go to sleep. afraid I would surely have nightmares. My gaze went around the bedroom, searching for any spiders, flies, anything. I did see a small spider in the corner and quickly squashed it with the back of my history book. Then I wiped it off and went around the room searching for any other insects. I saw none. but I had to look under the bed. too.
"What are you looking for. dear?" I heard Great-aunt Frances ask. I stood up. I hadn't heard her come up the stairs and down the hallway. Maybe that was because she was barefoot.
"Bugs," I said.
"Oh, you mustn't worry over bugs. No matter what we do, they'll come around. Ignore them and they'll leave." she said. "I've decided to go to sleep earlier tonight and be sure to set the alarm clock so I don't oversleep and let you go off without a proper breakfast again. We'll have scrambled eggs and toast and hot chocolates together. okay? And before I forget," she said, coming into the room. "here's more money for lunches and whatever else they ask you to pay for at school. I remember they sometimes ask you to put deposits down on things or make you buy the school physical education uniforms."
She handed me a fifty-dollar bill.
"I swear that bill has been in my pocket for twenty years," she said. "Don't tell Emma," she whispered, as if Grandmother Emma had been just down the hallway in that nice bedroom.
Suddenly, a panic came over me. She saw it in my face and she looked like
I
had stolen her breath. She brought her hand to her breast.
"What is it. Jordan?'" I started to cry.
"Oh, dear, what is it?"
"I forgot. My teacher told me I have to wear a brassiere or she won't let me in her room."
"A brassiere? Yes," she said. nodding., "you should wear a brassiere. Well, don't cry. Let's go look for one that will fit."
She went to the dresser where many of her things remained and started to sift through the drawer.
"I wasn't all that much older than you are when
I
started to wear one. My mother insisted. Rather. Emma made her insist." she told me. "She said I 1.k
^.
ras an embarrassment because I was younger than she was and I needed it and she didn't. She didn't want to be seen with me. Now where did I put... here we go," she said, pulling a brassiere out from under some panties. "I'm sure this will do fine."
I took it from her. It looked faded, more yellow than white, but the clips that fastened it were fine.
"See? Nothing to cry over." She stood up and smiled. "Did you brush your teeth? Don't forget." she sang and headed out.
I put the fifty-dollar bill in my schoolbag with my books, then went to the bathroom to wash and brush my teeth. I took the brassiere with me to try it on. It felt too tight, and I thought it might stop me from breathing when I managed to fasten the clips. It cut into my skin as well, but what could I do? It was a relief to get it off when I went to bed.
My first day at school, with all the added excitement and tension, had drained me more than I imagined. I don't think I'd ever fallen asleep as fast. I tossed and turned, however, and thought
I
heard sobbing again, but this time I was too tired to listen hard. It's just a dream, I told myself and fell into a deeper sleep. If Great-aunt Frances hadn't turned on her alarm clock and come to wake me. I would have overslept again for sure. Even so. I was in a daze getting myself washed and dressed. It took forever this time to get the brassiere clips hooked, and again. I felt I would suffocate. By the time I descended the stairway and entered the kitchen. Great-aunt Frances had prepared the breakfast she had promised.
"I hope you like everything. I'm afraid I burned the toast a
It was more than a little burned. but I didn't complain. The eggs weren't cooked enough either and had too much salt on them. The only thing that tasted good was the hot chocolate.
I
ate what I could, and when she wasn't looking. I dumped out the rest. Alanis came to the door just as I finished.
"Good. You got up yourself this time." she said.
"No. My great-aunt woke me," I said.
"I had to wake myself first with my alarm clock." she told Alanis. "It's been a long time since I had to get up for school."
"No kidding?" Alanis looked at me and shook her head. "Better get moving. We can't miss the bus. No one is taking us to school," she said dryly. She started to turn, then stopped and smiled. "You wearing a bra?"
"Mrs. Morgan told me to wear it or else she won't let me into her classroom."
"Oh. yeah? Well, we don't want to upset Mrs. Morgan."
"It's very nice of you to look after her, Alanis." Great-aunt Frances said. "You're like a big sister. My sister never had the patience. She once left me alone after school and I waited and waited until a teacher saw me crying in a corner. My father was very upset with her. I was only seven!"
"How sad," Alanis said, but didn't sound really sad about it. "C'mon."
I picked up my schoolbag and followed her out to the door.
"I gave her money for school uniforms and things," Great-aunt Frances called after us. I wished she hadn't told.
"She did?" Alanis asked the moment we stepped outside. "How much this time?"
"Fifty dollars," I said.
"That's good. Good work. Jordan."
"I didn't do anything. She just gave it to me."
"I told you she has lots of money hidden in there. We've got to look for it. You better let me hold on to the fifty. You don't want to lost it."
I didn't want to give it to her. but I didn't know what to say that wouldn't make her angry, so I dug it out of the schoolbag.
"Don't worry,I'll make sure we buy anything you need at school."
We walked down the driveway. I saw where her granddad had filled in holes and trimmed the grass. Suddenly, he appeared at the gate. He was repairing the hinges. He stopped working and looked at us as we approached.
"I don't want to hear nothing from that principal today-- or any day, for that matter," he warned. He pointed his finger at me. "You watch yourself now, Miss Jordan. Your family has enough trouble. You don't want to make new problems."
"Stop picking on her, Granddad. I told you we didn't do nothing wrong. That boy lied."
"Only thing I believe. Alanis, is you know what a lie is so you'd recognize it."
She turned away to sulk. He looked at me, then went back to repairing the hinges. We heard the bus coming and stepped out to board it when it stopped.
"No trouble now!" he warned.
"Don't listen to him. He babbles," Alanis said. "I can't wait 'til I can live somewhere on my own. That's why I love your great- aunt's basement. It's like having my own place."
We got onto the bus, and to both our surprise, we saw Stuart Gavin sitting in the seat on the right side, right before the last seat. His arm was in a cast, and his forehead had a scrape on the right side.
"Well, look what the wind blew in. Jordan," Alanis said as we approached. "The rat himself."
Stuart looked down and we took our seat. The bus started away.
"We didn't think you'd have the nerve to show your face. Stuart," Alanis continued, poking him in the shoulder of the arm in the cast. "We're going to make sure everyone in school knows what a fink you are."
He turned to face us.
"It's not my fault." he whined. "I didn't know what
I
was saying. I was in pain and the cops were asking me questions quickly. I was drunk and they scared me. I'm sorry. If I wasn't drunk. I wouldn't have told them anything."
"Yeah, right."
"It's true. I'm sorry," he said. He looked at me. and I thought he really was sorry. "I didn't mean to get you into trouble. Jordan. It just came out."
"Yeah, you threw up your guts just like all cowards," Alanis said.
He looked like he was going to cry. Some of the students close by listened carefully and looked at him with disapproval.
"I told my father I was lying," he said. "I'm going to see Mrs. Browne first thing and tell her the same thing. I'm taking all the blame."
Alanis looked at him with some new interest.
"You better not be lying again. Stuart Gavin, 'cause if you are this time. I swear."
"No. You watch me. You can follow me to the office, if you want. I'm going right there and ask to speak with her as soon as I walk in the building."
"What are you going to tell her?"
"What you told her. She told my father your story.
I
came with the alcopops and you and your friends told me to leave. Then I crashed. I won't even mention giving Nikki and Raspberry a ride home."
Alanis nodded.
"Good," she said. "After you do that, I'm going to let Mrs. Browne have it between the eyes for accusing us and calling my granddad. He told my mother, but she was too drunk to understand." she whispered.
"I'm sorry, Jordan." Stuart said. I glanced at Alanis first, and then I nodded and smiled at him. I could see that made him very happy.
"He really likes you." Alanis whispered. "That's why he's doing it. He couldn't care a speck about me and Nikki and Raspberry. See." she added. "You already begun fishing and you already hooked him."
I looked at her and then at Stuart. I didn't know what I had done, but whatever it was, it made me feel good. I even suspected Ian would approve.
When we arrived at school, Alanis decided we should follow Stuart to see if he was telling the truth about what he was going to do. He didn't look back. He walked directly to the principal's office and went in.
"This will be interesting," Alanis said. "You'd better get to class. You don't want to be late for Mrs. Morgan. We'll group at lunch again and see what we can find out from Stuart."
I hurried to my classroom, getting there just before the first bell rang. Mrs. Morgan was at the door, ready to check my clothing, I thought, She looked me over carefully, then nodded. I went to my desk and took out my books. Before she went to her desk, she crossed the room and paused at mine.
"I understand. Miss March, that you're not here a day and you're already in serious trouble."
"No. I'm not," I said firmly.
She pulled her head back. "Oh?"
"You'll see," I said, my heart thumping, for I thought I might not be able to sound and look as brave as I wanted.
"Yes. I will see," she said. smiling. Everyone in the class was looking and listening.
When Mrs. Morgan passed the autobiographies around, mine was the most popular. I saw some of the students rushing others to finish reading it. As soon as one did, he or she looked at me again. Most looked very sad for me, but some just shook their heads.
Afterward. I did as well as anyone else in the room when it came to our homework and the questions Mrs. Morgan asked. She collected our papers, and we went on to do reading in our history textbooks. She then announced that we would have to buy physical education outfits, and she told how much it would cost. When the bell rang for lunch. I hurried out with the others, anxious to find out what Stuart had actually done.
"I bought you the same lunch you had yesterday with the fifty- dollar bill," Alanis told me as soon as I entered.