Savvy Girl, A Guide to Etiquette (8 page)

EVENING WEDDING ATTIRE.
Men wear a suit and tie; women wear a cocktail dress or formal knee-length dress.

DAYTIME WEDDING ATTIRE:
Men wear a suit and tie; women wear a formal sundress or cocktail dress.

If the invitation does not specify attire, choose an elegant knee-length dress and you will pretty much always look stunning and appropriate.

Sometimes it’s not always as easy as checking “yes” on the response card. Maybe you have a schedule conflict, or you RSVPed to the wedding and you can no longer attend. Here is a list of the most common tricky wedding RSVP situations, and how to handle them with class.

•
WHAT IF YOU NEED TO DECLINE THE INVITATION?
Let’s get real for a second. It may be challenging (not to mention expensive) to attend every single wedding you are invited to, so if you need to decline an invitation, call the bride (or tell her in person, if possible) that you won’t be able to make it
in addition
to mailing your RSVP. This will make your response feel more personal and sincere. Also, even if you can’t attend a wedding you always need to send a gift).

•
WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU RSVPED “NO” BUT YOUR SCHEDULE CHANGES AND YOU CAN NOW ATTEND?
Unless the bride or groom is family or a very dear friend, if you RSVP “no” and plans change, you need to stay committed to your original response. You don’t know when the bride and groom had to confirm numbers with the caterer, and going back on your original response could throw them for a loop—and put them in an awkward position where they have to either rearrange table settings or politely tell you, “Sorry, you can’t come now.”

•
WHAT DO YOU DO IF YOU RSVPED “YES” BUT HAVE A LAST-MINUTE EMERGENCY AND CAN’T ATTEND?
Life happens, and sometimes circumstances beyond our control prevent us from attending weddings. In the event of an emergency or medical situation, let the bride and groom know immediately. They will understand (as long as your “emergency” isn’t something trivial) and they will appreciate the notice, no matter how last-minute.

•
WHAT IF YOU RSVPED “YES” FOR YOU AND YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER, BUT YOU BREAK UP BEFORE THE WEDDING?
If your invitation said “and guest” on the envelope, ask another date to accompany you to the wedding and let the bride and groom know so they can change the place card. If your invitation specifically named your ex-boyfriend, ask your friends if they’re OK with you bringing someone else.

When buying a wedding gift, start with the registry, as the bride and groom register for a reason. Think about it: isn’t it way better to buy them something they’re actually hoping for rather than something they don’t want or need and are only going to return?

•
DARE I BUY SOMETHING THAT’S NOT ON THE REGISTRY?
If you have a more customized present in mind, buying something not on the registry is acceptable. If you’re attending an engagement party or bridal shower in addition to the wedding, purchase a gift from the registry for the pre-wedding event and an off-registry item for the wedding gift.

•
DO I HAVE TO INCLUDE A CARD?
Always include a card, as well as a little note about your gift. For example, you could say something like, “I hope you enjoy this gift when entertaining in your new home together!” It adds a personal touch.

•
HOW MUCH DO I NEED TO SPEND?
The answer ultimately comes down to what you feel comfortable with and what works for your budget. After all, it’s the thought that counts.

•
CAN I BRING MY GIFT TO THE WEDDING?
While it’s acceptable to bring your gift to the wedding, have it sent directly to the bride and groom’s home (or the address associated with the registry) instead. It’s easier than schlepping it to the event and way more convenient for them, too.

•
CAN I GIVE A WEDDING GIFT AFTER THE WEDDING?
You should send the gift prior to the wedding. Although classic etiquette says you have a twelve-month window from the date of the wedding, the reality is that the bride and groom will be pretty surprised to see a gift a year later—so send it before the big day.

•
IS GIVING A GIFT OF CASH TACKY?
No way! Who doesn’t love cold, hard cash? In fact, many brides and grooms are now specifying a preference for cash or checks, especially if they are saving to purchase a home.

•
WHAT IF THE BRIDE AND GROOM DON’T SEND A THANK-YOU NOTE?
If you don’t get a thank-you note for your gift (let’s hope this isn’t the case, although some brides and grooms get behind), it’s OK to ask the bride and groom if they received your gift. You can also check with the store where the gift was purchased to confirm delivery.

[
BRITT:
Sometimes, when you have several close friends getting married in the same year, you will have multiple engagement Champagnes and bridal-shower gifts to buy, bachelorette weekends to attend, destination-wedding costs, plus the gift, plus the dresses . . . the list goes on. And if you start noticing that you’ve been putting wedding invitations in your “bills to be paid” pile, here is a little bit of advice, courtesy of my mother: “Give for the
joy
of giving.”

My mom told me to try to focus on how gifts have the power to make the receiver feel loved and happy. How awesome is that? Actions speak louder than words, so what better opportunity to
show
your nearest and dearest just how much you love and appreciate them?
]

The big day is here. Keep these tips in mind before you watch your pal walk down the aisle:

•
THE START TIME IS NEVER A “GUESTIMATE.”
Get to the ceremony at least twenty to thirty minutes before the start time listed on the invitation so you have loads of time to park and find your seat. Remember, weddings start on time—with or without you. If you arrive late, don’t interrupt the ceremony. Instead, quietly stand toward the back, if possible, and then head to the reception with the other guests.

•
SWITCH YOUR PHONE TO SILENT.
Set it to silent before you walk into the venue. You don’t want to be
that
girl whose cell is ringing obnoxiously during the exchange of vows.

•
IF IT IS A RELIGIOUS CEREMONY, TAKE PART—OR NOT.
Find yourself at a wedding with a religious service and you’re of an alternate faith? It’s your call whether or not to participate in traditions, however the unwritten rule is to stand at the appropriate times, regardless of faith. Also, keep in mind that many weddings will feature a note in the program regarding who is intended to say, take communion, be it only those of the service’s religion or all guests. If you choose not to participate, quietly stay in your seat during this portion of the ceremony.

This is the best part of the wedding. It’s a time for Champagne and dancing, and a time for the bride and groom to let loose. However, just like with the wedding ceremony, it’s important to follow reception etiquette. Here’s how to be a gracious guest of the new Mr. and Mrs.:

•
NO TRADING SEATS.
Out of respect to the bride and groom, sit according to your place-card assignment. Remember, you were placed at that table for a reason. Introduce yourself to your fellow tablemates and make conversation with them during the meal.