Saving Nathaniel (33 page)

Finally, he stood and looked at the photograph of Joanna. He spent a good while gazing at it, trying to remember everything he could about her - her touch, her voice, her laugh, her scent - He found some of the details had faded over time. Some things he couldn't remember at all. He ultimately knew what he had to do.

He went to the telephone that lay on his desk and pushed the button marked 'saved messages'. A woman's voice, high and excited, played out.

“
Nat, darling, it's me. You should be home by now and I'm not there, obviously. Don't worry, everything's fine, I'm just having fun spending all your money! (She laughed) I'm just letting you know that I might be a bit late back tonight sweetie; we've decided to try a really nice looking Italian we found. You know how I love my carbonara and a couple more inches around my waist won't do any harm. I'll see you soon. I love you.”

He listened to her last message repeatedly, tears running unabated down his face.

'I love you, Joanna.' he said, his voice catching in his throat. 'I'll always love you. You know that, but I need to look after myself now. I need to move on. You understand, don't you?'

And then it was done. The button had been pressed to delete any saved messages and he said a final goodbye to his wife. As the phone confirmed that the message had gone, he took off his gold band and put it in the top drawer of his desk, on top of the gun cabinet key box, and locked them both away.

He gave himself a full five minutes to compose himself before he picked up the telephone and dialled. The phone rang for so long he thought it would never be picked up.

'Hello, Rose Cottage.'

'Meg?'

'Nat?'

He paused. 'I kept my promise.'

Chapter 29

She gripped the telephone receiver hard in her hand. She had been waiting all day for Nat to call, and now he had, she couldn't say anything.

'Meg, are you there?' His voice was tinny through the earpiece.

'Yes, I'm still here. Have you done what you needed to do?'

'Aye, I have.'

'So what happens now?'

'We talk.' There was a long pause. 'Will you come to me, Meg?'

'Of course. Give me time to change and I'll see you in a little while.'

'I'll be waiting.'

At just after four o'clock, Megan pulled into the drive at Struan Lodge and parked her car next to Rebecca's Beetle.

She let herself into the Lodge through the back door to come face to face with her sister. 'Hi, Becks,' she said, with strained cheerfulness.

'Megs!' Rebecca leapt up from the table where she had silver cutlery spread out for cleaning. 'What are you doing here? Has something happened at home? Has something happened to Paul?'

'No, nothing like that, there's no need to fret. I'm here to see Nat. I'm expected.'

Rebecca's features soured. 'You'd better go through then. He's skulking around in the usual place. You should know the way by now.' She retook her seat and resumed her feverish polishing.

Megan left her to her work and made her way across the hallway to Nat's study. She took off her coat, straightened her sweater and checked her hair in the gilded mirror. Confident she looked decent enough to be received, she knocked gently on the study door.

She heard a muffled, 'Come in,' and opened the door carefully. She peered around it. He was sitting in his chair reading his newspaper. Her demure, 'Hello,' made him turn. As soon as he saw her, he broke into a wide smile, folded the paper closed and sprang to his feet. 'Hello.'

Although she had been in the room dozens of times before, this time would be different and she felt a twinge of nervousness. She closed the door behind her with a soft
click
. In the time it took her to do it, he had closed the distance between them and gathered her into a tight hug.

'I'm so glad you came,' he said, his face pressed into her hair. 'You took so long. I'd almost given up hope.' She wrapped her arms around him, and through his soft cotton shirt, could feel the musculature of his back.

'It was only an hour,' she said. 'I had to make myself respectable.'

He released her from his hold and kissed her
welcome
. 'Sit here,' he said, and led her to the old chair. He sat her down and pulled up the footstool for himself, rested his arms on her knees and gripped at her hands. He appeared edgy.

'Are you alright?' she said, noting his nerviness.

'I'm fine, why?'

'You seem a bit…excited.'

He smiled and nodded. 'I am. I've been looking forward to seeing you again.' He looked intently at their hands. 'What…what we talked about yesterday, have you changed your mind about anything?'

'We talked about a lot of things. I'm afraid you'll have to be more specific.'

He lifted his eyes to her again. 'I can't,' he said. 'I need to know if you've changed your mind about anything at all?'

She shook her head. 'No. I still love you and I still don't want you to go away.'

'And I still want you to come with me.'

She looked at him with earnest eyes. 'You're fully determined to sell up and leave Kirkton aren't you?'

'Aye.'

'But you've been here so long.'

'Gey too long, if I'm honest with myself.'

'Have you told Rebecca you are going yet?'

He shook his head, biting his underlip. 'Not yet. I rather thought you might do it for me.'

'No chance! Don't be such a coward.'

He formed his face into an expression of childlike helplessness 'Please.'

'No, Nat. It's your responsibility. She's your employee.'

He sagged his shoulders and his head slumped. 'Dammit,' he grumbled.

'She won't bite.'

He hung his head further. 'She might. She frightens me.'

Megan laughed. 'So, the sooner you do it…'

He turned his eyes up to her. 'I think I might need to take a little Dutch courage first.'

'No, you won't,' she said, firmly.

'Actually,' he said. 'After some thought, I've come to the conclusion that she won't really care if I'm here or not. I sort of inherited her when I bought the place so she belongs to the house, not me. I'll give her a good reference of course and the new owners may take her on, but she won't miss me in the least. To be honest, I don't think she likes me very much.'

'Of course she does. She may not show it, but I think she likes you well enough.'

'I'll have to take your word for that.'

She looked down at their entwined hands before selecting his left one and turning it over. The skin of his third finger had a pale stripe where his ring once lay. 'Where's your wedding band, Nat?' she asked.

He drew his lips into a tight line. 'I took it off,' he said. 'It's a phase of my life I've said goodbye to. The band was just a reminder of something's that's over.'

'No, sweetie, you shouldn't have done that.' She touched the empty finger with her lips, and enclosed his hand protectively in her own.

'I had to,' he said. 'It's time to leave the past behind and start anew. I thought you would appreciate that.'

She nodded that she did. 'Have you decided where you want to go for this fresh start?'

He shook his head. 'I have no idea. I might just stick a pin in the map and see what comes up.'

'That's not the way to do it. You can't do a thing like this on impulse. It needs care and consideration…'

'Where would you want to go, Meg? To the city, the coast…deep in the woods with the squirrels or high on a windy hilltop with no neighbours for a thousand miles…'

She laughed lightly. 'I can go anywhere. I haven't unpacked everything from the last time yet. It's been over a year since I moved in with Rebecca and I'm still living out of boxes.'

He pressed his lips briefly to her hands. 'Wherever we go, I want you to always be with me because I don't think I could do it without you. I don't
want
to do anything without you.'

In a soft yet serious tone she said, 'This is going to be a huge thing for you, Nat. Are you sure you are really ready for it?'

'A huge thing for us,' he corrected her.

Maybe,
she thought.
I haven't decided yet.
'Have you really thought about it?' she said.

He stroked her fingers. 'I can't seem to think about anything else.'

'And you are absolutely sure you want to go through with it?'

'Absolutely, one hundred percent.'

'And I can't talk you out of it?'

'Are you trying to?'

'If you've made up your mind, Nat, I'll not do anything to stop you.'

'I have.'

She placed her palm against his face. He hadn't shaved that morning. 'Will you go even if I say I don't want to?' she asked.

'Aye,' he said. 'I need to do this, but I won't make you do anything you don't want to. I won't force you to go. I don't want you to be unhappy because of me.'

'And you would be unhappy if you stayed here?'

'Aye.'

'Even if we were together here?'

He took her hand from his face. 'Aye.'

'Well, this presents us with something of a dilemma. Here's how I see it. On the one hand, you go away, alone, and I stay here alone and we are both miserable in our own alonenesses…I don't care much for that scenario...'

'Or …?'

'Or you go away and I go with you and we both live happily ever after somewhere together on a windy hilltop with no neighbours for a thousand miles.' She broke into a smile. 'Of course I'll go with you, Nat. Wherever you want to go, whatever you want to do, just so long as we can be together. I don't want to stay here without you.'

He let out an audible breath of relief. 'You have no idea how pleased I am to hear you say that. I thought for one horrible moment you were trying to find an excuse, any excuse, to say
no
.'

He got to his feet and pulled her up to him, hugging her. His hold was so fierce she thought he might break her ribs. He slackened his grip and pulled back enough to be able to kiss her. They held each other again, her embrace light and comforting; his strong and protective. At last, they released each other, but they were not done talking.

She sat on the window seat and he dropped into his chair.

'What's the matter?' he asked, noting the troubled look on her face.

She sighed. 'I feel like I'll be abandoning Rebecca,' she said. 'She's been so good to me. Without her I wouldn't even be here.'

'You're not abandoning her. She'll be no worse off than she was before you came. She'll get over it. It's not like you'll be leaving her on her own, she's got Paul.'

'Hmm,' she agreed reluctantly. 'I suppose. But I know what it's like when someone walks away and leaves you. I've been let down and abandoned enough times in my life before. It's not nice. It hurts.'

He sat forward in his chair. 'Who let you down, my love?'

'Lots of people; mostly men - my husband, God rot him, lovers, my father. One by one they took what they wanted until I had nothing left and then they all went away, until there was just me, all by myself.' She stared blankly ahead, seemingly lost in her thoughts.

'How many lovers?' Nat asked, in all curiosity.

She pursed her lips and looked at him. 'I've been neither a cloistered nun nor a Vestal virgin, Nat. I'm forty-five years old and I've had to take whatever was offered, like it or not, or do without.'

Her sharp defensiveness took him aback. 'And it was crude of me to ask,' he said, suitably contrite. 'Your past love life is absolutely none of my business. I'm...am I allowed to apologise?'

She gave him a soft smile. 'Just this once.'

'I'm sorry I was so crass, I'll never mention it again.'

'Apology accepted.'

He changed seats, sitting beside her on the window seat.

'There is one thing you could do,' he said. 'While we make our decisions and sort out all the details…'

'What's that?' she asked.

'…and seeing as you still haven't unpacked and all…'

'What Nat?'

'You could move in here with me.'

She looked at him, astonished. 'That's outrageous!' she exclaimed. 'I can't possibly do that!'

'I'm completely serious. I want you to live here with me. Don't you want to?'

'Yes…no…yes…no, I can't,' she stammered.

'Yes you can,' he said, folding his arms across his chest. 'Unless you can give me ten good reasons why not.'

Megan smacked her lips and sighed. 'I can give you
one
very good reason; the only one that matters.'

'And what's that?'

'Not what, who,' she tilted her head towards the door. 'Rebecca.'