Saving Amy (48 page)

“You’re doing really well, Amy. I can see the head… Next time you feel a contraction coming, I need you to push right down into your bottom for me,” my midwife, Andrea, told me.

It came on cue – the torturous pain that ripped my insides apart. Everyone seemed to bang on at me about the importance of breathing, but how could I breathe when it felt like a giant pumpkin was trying to force its way out of my ass? So I did it my own way and held my breath. Then I pushed… hard. I pushed until the veins in my neck felt like they were about to explode under the pressure. I pushed until my legs started to tremble. I pushed until it felt like a glass bomb had detonated inside my ass…

“Jesus, baby… he’s almost here!” Richard wailed, sounding utterly awestruck.

“ARRRGGGGGGH!” I pushed again, my entire body juddering violently – the pressure between my legs unbearable.

And then it was gone… the pain, the pressure, the stinging…

In the time it took me to
breathe
one breath, my whole world had changed and I was a mom for the second time.

“Oh my god,” Richard breathed. “You did it! You did it, baby!”

My newborn son was laid gently onto my bare chest – the lumpy, purplish cord still connecting us. My mouth dropped open as I took in the sight of him. His chubby cheeks smeared with blood and gore, his tiny blue eyes blinking as they struggled to accustom themselves to the light, his cone-shaped head adorned with Richard’s rich auburn hair, his perfect little fingers wrapped around my pinky…

He was beautiful.

Perfect.

I loved him so much my heart physically ached.

I saw Andrea cut my baby’s cord from the corner of my eye as Richard perched himself on the edge of my hospital bed and wrapped his arm around my shoulder – his eyes never leaving his son.

“Welcome to the world, little man. I’m your daddy,” Richard murmured, pure adoration dripping from his voice. In that moment I noticed a solitary tear trickle slowly down his cheek and taking one hand off my son, I wiped it away, smiling lovingly at my husband.

“Thank you,” he whispered. “Thank you for my children. I’m so proud of you.”

My eyes grazed over the scars on my arm while I stared up and down the length of my perfect child. I wore them with pride now. They were a reminder of how far I’d come. A symbol of what I’d been through, what I’d achieved. They were a part of me, who I’d been and who I was now. They gave me strength, peace. Looking at them I no longer felt disgust, or guilt. Instead I felt content, grateful. Safe in the knowledge I never had to suffer what brought me to inflict them on myself ever again.

And that’s exactly what I tell the young people I work with at Vivienne’s Finding Hope charity. I started by sitting in on group sessions until I found the courage to speak out about my own experiences with everything from abuse, to drugs to self-injury. The more time that passed the stronger I became… the more I learnt about
myself and my issues
. Now I run my own sessions two days a week and each and every attendee knows they can contact me directly whenever they need support or guidance from someone who truly understands them.

It’s important they have someone to reach out to that isn’t too close – someone unemotionally involved. There’s no guilt that way. Talking to someone detached and unbiased is so much easier. There’s no fear of them judging or pitying you. No fear of
hurting
them with your honesty. And that’s why I still see my therapist once a week without fail, and probably always will.

I may not cut anymore, but I’ll always be a cutter.

When I’m not busy with the charity, my full time job remains at Salt House as Junior Editor, under Vanessa Heart. It is without a doubt my dream role and I
am absolutely loving
it. When I’m not busy reading or promoting other people’s work I am writing my own, and now have four successfully published novels under my belt. Apart from my wedding day and the birth of my precious children, the day I made the New York Times Bestsellers List was the proudest of my life.

Life is beyond wonderful. Who’d have thought it?

We sat in silence for what could have been hours, our eyes never leaving those of baby Jack. We relished those first moments of being just us, before the rest of the world wanted a piece of the perfect little bundle sleeping soundly against my breast.

“Daddy!” Kate beamed as she skipped into the room to meet her baby brother for the first time. An entourage followed, with Vivienne, Alistair, David and Bethany trailing behind my daughter’s feet.

“There you are, princess. I’ve got someone who wants to say hi to you,” Richard said, bending down and scooping Kate in his arms. He spun her around a couple of times before carrying her over to the crib where baby Jack lay sleeping beside me. She stared at him for a few seconds, looking rather unimpressed.

“He no say anything,” she muttered, seeming irritated. Richard laughed softly as he swept her blonde hair from her eyes.

“He’s thinking it, princess. He’s thinking what a beautiful, smart big sister he’s got. He just needs someone to teach him how to talk. You think you can help him with that?”

“Sure, daddy. Me good at being teacher,” she stated proudly, flashing every one of her tiny, brilliant white teeth. She was adorable. Perfect. My children were perfect. My
family
was perfect.

Getting bored with the fact her baby brother didn’t do anything interesting, Kate settled in beside me on the bed. I wrapped my arms around her and held her close, telling her what a big girl she was for sharing her mommy and daddy with Jack.

“He’s beautiful,” Vivienne cooed, tears welling up in her eyes as she peered over the crib. “Can I?” she asked, holding out her hands to pick him up.

“Of course,” I nodded.

“Me next!” Bethany sang, smiling and whispering high-pitched gibberish to her nephew. Alistair sauntered over, peering over at the baby in his wife’s arms.

“Well done, son,” he said firmly, followed by a masculine cough. Alistair wasn’t one for expressing his emotions very well, but the glassy glint in his eyes said more than words ever could. He loved his family without question, and with a single glance in Richard’s direction, it was clear just how proud he was of him.

“Why’s his head shaped all funny? He looks weird,”
David
commented bluntly, causing Vivienne to tut and roll her eyes and me and Richard to laugh. Richard flipped into doctor mode and started explaining in great detail about baby’s skulls being malleable to allow them to pass through the birth canal more easily.

“Dammit, Dicky Boy, too much information!” he said, wrinkling his face with unease from hearing the word vagina. I wondered if David would ever reach puberty sometimes…

There was a knock on the door followed by Julie’s head popping into the room. When she saw me she rushed in excitedly, clapping her hands together and smiling so hard her lips almost cracked. After kissing my cheek briefly and patting the top of Kate’s head, she scurried straight to Vivienne – holding out her arms as the game of Pass The Baby began.

Rob trailed behind her, looking altogether terrified as he watched his fiancée fuss over my tiny baby. Julie got her wicked way with Rob just three weeks after moving back to Seattle and they’ve been together ever since. Julie’s tenacity coupled with Rob’s warped sense of humour makes for a rather interesting, and at times downright entertaining couple.

“He’s gorgeous. I want one!” Julie enthused, her eyes unable to leave Jack – just like everyone else. Rob’s face was comical. I could literally see the blood drain from his cheeks, leaving him paler than the white wall he was leaning against.

“Woah, woah, woah… we said we’d start with a dog,” he interjected – panic causing his body to stiffen. Everyone in the room giggled at his nervousness. Everyone except Julie who gave him a firm wait-till-I-get-you-home
glare
.

Pass The Baby continued and little Jack ended up in Bethany’s arms. She sang and whispered to him, staring at him like he was the most precious thing in the world. Which he was… he and his big sister were the most important people ever to breathe.

I still found myself staring at Bethany some days, unable to comprehend how she grew up so fast without me noticing. She only had a year to go before she got her teaching degree, she’d been steadily dating a nice young guy called Darren for over a year and they were even looking for a house together.

“Your dad just called. He’s on his way,” Julie said, plopping down into a visitor chair Rob had just dragged in from the corridor. I smiled, excited to introduce my dad to his new grandson.

I decided to look for Jack when I found out I was carrying Kate. I suddenly felt this absurd desire to know
who
I was, where I came from – where Kate came from. I didn’t expect it to turn out how it did though. I never believed I could really forgive him for abandoning me - that was if he even
wanted
my forgiveness. It was always etched in the back of my mind that he might not even want me anymore.

He was easy to find. He’d never moved from the address in the letters I found buried in the back yard. He said that was intentional, that he always prayed I’d try and find him one day. He’d never remarried or had more children. He said it felt like a betrayal to even consider it, which left me feeling sad and possibly a little guilty. He’d wasted so many years, alone and heart broken, because he couldn’t move on from the wife and daughter who were so cruelly snatched away from him.

It didn’t take me long to forgive him. The first time he wrapped his arms around me I fell automatically into them. Bizarrely it felt like home – like I
knew
him, like he was a part of me.

To this day I don’t think he forgives himself however. By the time Jim had finished with him he spent three months in traction with half his body’s bones shattered. And then, as an extra gesture… Jim had fabricated a whole case against him, saying that my mom was forced to leave him after he repeatedly beat and raped her. With Jim’s connections it wouldn’t have been difficult to conjure up some fake evidence, and of course my mom would do or say anything he told her to out of fear.

The way I see it, Jack was left with no choice. He could lose me, or lose his whole life and reputation…
still
without me in it. He couldn’t win either way. Jim was too powerful a man to take on. But Jack has spent the last twenty years believing he was weak and selfish. That the fact he was afraid meant he was a poor excuse for a man, even less a father. That he should’ve fought harder – took whatever was coming to him if it meant I didn’t grow up thinking he didn’t care.

Maybe I did think that for a while… but not now. I have suffered too much pain, and loss, guilt and hatred in my life to hold on to anything negative. He is here now. He is a wonderful, natural grandfather and he is trying his utmost to be a good dad too. That is all that matters to me.

After two more rounds of Pass The Baby our visitor’s left us alone. My dad called to say he was running late after getting stuck in traffic so it was just
me, Richard and our two beautiful children
while we waited for him.

Richard was propped up behind me on the bed, Kate had fallen asleep curled up in my lap and Jack was trying to get his head around taking a bottle in my arms.

“You make me the proudest man alive you know that?” Richard breathed straight into my ear. “I will never get tired of loving you.”

My heart swelled, literally aching with the love I felt for these precious people surrounding me.

“Thank you,” I replied, arching my neck so I could brush his lips with mine. “For saving me.”

The End.

As always, I would like to thank my wonderful family for all their love and support. Especially my parents for providing me with such creative genes!

Thank you to my husband Michael for always believing in me and telling me daily I can do anything I set my mind to. For looking after our wonderful children whilst I’m hiding out in my own world with my fictional friends and for putting up with me whilst I ramble on about my constantly changing dreams and ideas.

Thank you to my beautiful children for being perfect (most of the time!) and for being excited about the fact that “Mum is an author!” Thank you for leaving me alone and taking your squabbles to your dad whilst I’m tapping away on the computer and thank you for the kisses and cuddles when I am done for the day.

Thank you to James at Cover Designs by humblenations.com for my beautiful cover.

Thank you to my sister in law and best friend in the whole world, Keeley Wall. Thank you for being as fun and immature as I am! Thank you for your encouragement, advice and for all the hours spent dreaming about our book boyfriends together. Love you to the moon and back!

Finally, thank you to all my readers. You guys continue to amaze me every single day by reading my books and I love and appreciate each and every one of you!

I know technically this should be in third person but writing about myself like that feels kind of stupid so I’ll just tell you a bit about myself instead!

I was born in Rochdale, England and have lived there my entire life – therefore I hope my use of English spelling doesn’t put off all my fabulous readers from across the pond! A true home bird I still live there, just a few doors down from my parents and a few up from my sister and her family, with my wonderful husband. I am a full time mum to my four delightful (sometimes!) children and our Heinz 57 puppy, Pippa.