Saved By You (21 page)

Oh my God, yes.

I smiled at him.

“I wish,” I said. “But, you know I can’t leave.”

He rolled a shoulder.

“One day you’ll be able to,” he said.

My heart skipped a beat, and my stomach tried to sink its way to the ground. I nearly stumbled as my foot got caught on a large root in the middle of the little path. Haden was quick, and wrapped an arm under me.

“I’m sorry,” he said, holding me upright. “That was really insensitive of me.”

I shook my head and bounced my palms in the air.

“It’s fine,” I said. “It’s the truth, isn’t it? I have to face it one day, sooner or later.”

His lips were flat, and he gave me a pained look. There was compassion burning in his eyes, but it didn’t make me feel any better. If Haden couldn’t make me feel any better—then who could?

He shook his head. “I can’t begin to imagine what you’re going through,” he said. “But I do know that it’s going to pass. It’s not going to be easy. It’s going to hurt. But, you’re going to get through it. You’re going to come out on the other side stronger than ever.”

I gave him a long look. The sun had settled itself completely below the tree line, and the light of dusk cast long shadows on his features. I gave him a quiet nod, feeling the twinge of reassurance.

“Thanks,” I said. His eyes remained locked on me, while mine searched around. I didn’t know what to say to him. Finally, I pinched my lips and gave him a tight smile.

His strong features softened, and he wrapped an arm around my neck, pulling me into his chest. I curled into him and closed my eyes. I didn’t care if we were in some dark forest with the light quickly fading—I didn’t want to leave. Maybe we would get lost there for the night, and have to huddle ourselves close to keep warm. Maybe we’d wake up in some faerie tale land where everyone lived forever.

I let out a soft sigh.

I just wanted to turn my brain off—to give it a vacation.

After a while, we pulled apart, and I stared up at him. I shrugged a shoulder.

“The truth is, I don’t know when I’ll be able to leave Green Falls,” I said. “I just don’t know what’s going to happen.”

“There’s no rush,” he said.

“There
is
a rush,” I said. His brow cocked upward, curiously. “You’ve got this band waiting for you. You’ve got this amazing opportunity to go on tour. Isn’t that what you’ve always dreamed of?”

His eyes flashed. I could see the pain in them. He knew I was right—he knew there was truth in what I said. Conflict raged inside of him, bubbling to the surface. He pulled away from me for a second, and looked down the trail in front of us.

“It’s getting late,” he said. “We should get going before it’s too dark to see.”

I squeezed my eyes tight, and nodded. He didn’t answer the question directly, but he didn’t have to. His reaction was all I needed.

We walked the rest of the way to the car. An awkward silence hung over us. It felt like an invisible wall had been put between us, and I wasn’t sure whether or not I should try to break through.

We drove all the way to my aunt’s house in silence. Frustration built inside of me to the point that I wanted to roll down the windows and scream as loud as I could just to get it out.

Why were things always so difficult? Why couldn’t anything just be easy?

Haden pulled the car up to the curb and put it in park. He gave me a long look, but didn’t move. Lights were on in the house, still.

“Do you want to come in for a while?” I asked.

He considered the question, then shook his head.

“I shouldn’t,” he said. “We’ve got rehearsal pretty early in the morning. I need to get some sleep.”

Tightness wrapped around my chest, and I felt tears bubbling to my eyes. But, I couldn’t let him see them this time. I couldn’t let him know they were because of him.

“Okay,” I said. I unsnapped the seat belt, and reached for the door. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow?” I asked, before climbing out.

He hesitated a second before nodding.

“I’ll call you,” he said.

My mouth quivered, and I gave him one last look before climbing out of the car.

The walk up to the house was the longest I’d taken all day. It was longer than the stroll through the forest. It was longer than walking down the dirt trail to get to the falls. Why couldn’t I have just kept my mouth shut?

Because you know you have to do the right thing.

The voice nagged in the back of my mind. There was no question what the
right thing
was. Haden knew it, too.

I just wished he would have kissed me before I walked away.

I slept on the couch next to Mom, again. This time, she didn’t wake up in the middle of the night, but I had just as difficult a time falling asleep. I watched her for a long time, and even put my hand on her arm for a while. I tried to think about anything other than Haden.

As I watched my mother lying in the bed, I remembered all of the fun times we used to have. Memories long forgotten began to surface. They started slow, but soon became overpowering.

I remembered going on vacations to Schlitterbahn. Mom loved getting a huge tube and relaxing on the lazy river all day. She would make sandwiches and cut them into little triangles for lunch. Peanut butter and jelly was my favorite. We used to take trips to the Natural Bridge Caverns near San Antonio. I had been amazed at the gigantic stalagmites that looked like big fingers reaching for the sky. The caverns were so big they looked like they went on forever.

Things were miserable once we moved to Jersey—but before that, they were pretty good. But they were memories I was never going to experience again. Not with my mom.

Tears dripped down my cheeks as I watched her sleeping. The flood of memories hitting me was nearly too much to handle. In my mind, I saw her smiling face—but, in front of me, I saw the way she looked now. I shook my head, almost unable to believe it.

“Why is this happening?” I said, quietly. “What did we do to deserve this?”

I touched her hand one more time, giving it a gentle squeeze before I laid back down. Sleep was a long time coming, and it didn’t bring any peace from all of the unsettling thoughts running through my head.

Over the next few days I didn’t get to see Haden. He called and we talked here and there, but he was busy rehearsing with the band, and I was busy helping take care of Mom. I couldn’t help but think that his distance had something to do with what I’d told him that night. But, there wasn’t anything I could do about it now.

I wasn’t sure that I would take it back, even if I could. There were things that Haden had to deal with, just like there were things that I had to deal with. He couldn’t ignore his own life. There were people depending on him. His band was doing God knows what back in LA, and there was Kyle who made it clear that he wasn’t going to leave without Haden. He couldn’t go on being upset with me because I’d made him realize that there was more to his life than what was going on in Green Falls.

With each passing day, Mom’s condition got worse and worse. It started off with small things—but the small things turned into big things. It hurt her to move, at all, so we stopped getting her out of her bed. Aunt Denise called one of the Hospice workers to come by and install a catheter bag to save Mom the embarrassment of using a bed pan.

She spent most of her time sleeping, though. And during the few times when she was awake, she wasn’t lucid enough to hold a conversation. The Hospice worker installed a morphine drip along with the catheter bag, and we kept the morphine maxed out just to keep her from groaning. The agony of it was almost too much to witness. I realized the business of dying wasn’t pretty. There wasn’t anything glamorous about it.

Then, on the third day, in the afternoon, she surprised all of us. She had been sleeping for a few hours, with a steady rotation of Aunt Denise, Grandma, Sarah, and myself watching over her. There was a kind of routine that we had fallen into where we would always have two people by her side—just in case.

Aunt Denise and Sarah were watching her when Grandma pulled me into the bedroom. She fixed me with a serious, concerned look.

“How are you holding up, dear?” she said. Her voice was ragged, exhausted. I supposed we were all feeling the exhaustion.

I shrugged a shoulder.

“I’m fine, I guess,” I said.

Her lips pursed flat, and she rubbed her hand on my shoulder. She paused for a second, considering her words.

“It’s all happening even faster than we thought,” she said.

The realization of what she was saying would have floored me if I hadn’t felt so numb already. I nodded, slowly.

“I know,” I said.

We regarded each other for another moment. She looked like she was about to say something else, but we were interrupted.

Sarah stuck her head into the back room and looked at us.

“Mom wants you guys,” she said, quickly.

Grandma looked at her, concerned.

“Is everything alright?” she asked, already moving past Sarah.

“She’s waking up,” Sarah said, but neither of us was paying attention anymore.

We both pushed into the living room, and found Aunt Denise hovering over the bed, her hand clasping Mom’s hand. She was smiling at Mom, and I was nearly floored to see that Mom had a tight little smile, too.

My heart jumped into my throat. She hadn’t been that awake since the morning she met Haden. I had been dreading she would never be lucid again. At this point, all bets were off.

Mom’s eyes lolled over to me, and the smile tightened even more. Her eyes were sunken, and her cheeks more gaunt than ever.

“How are you feeling?” Grandma asked. There was a spark of frantic hope in her eye.

Mom licked her lips, slowly. “I feel fine,” she said, her voice weak. “Just fine.”

Aunt Denise held a straw to her lips, and Mom sucked at it. She couldn’t have taken more than a drop or two. Then, Aunt Denise dabbed her lips with a damp cloth to keep them from drying out. I slipped my hand into hers, giving her a gentle squeeze to let her know I was there.

Mom’s eyes sparkled her appreciation. She looked around the room at all of us.

“Where is everyone?” she said.

I shook my head. “It’s just us, Momma,” I said.

Momma?

I hadn’t called her that in years. It had just come out—I hadn’t even intended it.

“How’s Larry?” Mom asked Aunt Denise. “Is he okay?”

Aunt Denise patted her head, smoothing back her hair. “He’s fine, Pattie,” she said. “Don’t you worry about anything—everybody’s fine.”

This seemed to comfort her, and she settled even further into the bed.

Grandma beamed down at her. “We’re so proud of you,” she said. “We know how much it hurts—and you’ve been so strong.” She rested a hand on Mom’s leg.

My thumb padded along the outside of her hand. She remained motionless, her eyes slowly moving between all of us.

“I have some good news,” Sarah announced in a proud voice. Mom’s eyes settled on her, as did mine. Sarah looked up at me, her face beaming, then back at Mom. “I’m going off to college back east,” she said. “I’m going on a campus tour with Huck next month,” she continued. “I may even end up going to the same school as Maggie, so we won’t be alone out there.”

The sparkle in Mom’s eye glinted, again, and I felt a rush through my chest. My eyes darted between Sarah and Aunt Denise. The smile on Aunt Denise’s face told me that it was true. Uncle Larry must have talked her into it, somehow. She was focused on Mom, a smile spreading from ear to ear.

“That’s wonderful,” Mom said. She tilted her head forward, and crooked a finger at Sarah. Sarah leaned in closer so Mom could whisper in her ear. “I don’t care what your momma says—Huck’s a good guy. Don’t let him get away.” She said it just loud enough for us all to hear.

“I won’t,” Sarah whispered back, grinning.

Another smile rippled through us all as Mom settled back in the bed. She looked around, again, and then her eyes settled on me. Grandma hesitated a second, but then she stood and motioned to the others.

“Let’s give them a minute,” she said, in a low voice.

Aunt Denise and Sarah both gave Mom another smile, and a gentle squeeze, and then they followed Grandma out the front door.

Mom and I watched each other for a long minute after they left. Her fingers moved softly in my hand, and a whirlwind of emotions boiled up my chest and into my throat. As fast as a light switch being turned on, tears began flooding down my face. I hadn’t cried in days since we’d started taking care of her full time—everything was hitting me all at once.

Her eyes softened, and she reached her other hand over to cradle mine.

“There, there,” she comforted. “Everything’s going to be alright.”

I could barely get any words out through the flow of tears.

“I don’t want you to go,” I sobbed. “I don’t want you to leave.”

“I’ll always be with you,” she said, softly. “No one can take all the happy times we’ve shared. Those are ours.”

“But there’s so many things I want to do with you, still,” I said. “I want you there for college, and for my wedding.” I sobbed, again. “And for my kids.”

Mom’s lips began to quiver now, too. She gave me a long look, but didn’t say anything. I tried my best to wipe at the tears running down my face, but they were coming too fast and hard for me to keep up.

We sat there for another minute, holding onto each other. Everything was feeling more real—more final—than it had before. I’d been able to tell myself that there was always the smallest of chances that she would get better—but now I could see there wasn’t.

Mom’s lips moved as she tried to say something, but she was struggling to get any words out. I grabbed the cup of water from the side of the bed, and held the straw to her mouth—she sipped at it, again. Then, just as Aunt Denise had done a few minutes earlier, I dabbed her lips with the damp towel.

She gave me a warm smile before trying to speak again.

“I’m sorry for the way I treated you,” she said.

My brow scrunched, trying to understand her. I shook my head.