Sarah's Child (27 page)

After a particularly exhausting day, Sarah fell deeply asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow. Rome lay beside her, slowly relaxing, and was almost asleep himself when he heard the baby cry. He went stiff, waiting for Sarah to wake and go to the child. He couldnt stand hearing that cry. But Sarah was still asleep beside him; shed worn herself out.

He knew shed eventually hear the babys cry and get up to tend it, but he didnt know if he could stand it that long. A moment later he knew that he couldnt. He reached out to shake Sarah awake; then something stopped him. Perhaps it was her face, so peaceful as she slept; perhaps it was the nights in years past when hed gotten up in the middle of the night to answer a sleepy cry for daddy. For whatever reason, he got out of bed and found himself standing out in the hallway.

He realized with surprise that he was shaking, and sweat was running down his spine. Its just a baby, he told himself. Just a baby.

He stretched his hand out and opened the door, scarcely able to breathe from the band that was constricting his chest. There was a small yellow night-light plugged into an outlet close to the crib, enabling Sarah to see when she got up in the middle of the night. It also enabled Rome to see the child, whod worked herself into a furious tantrum. Her tiny fists were clenched and jerking spasmodically, her legs were drawn up, and she was squalling for all she was worth. She was used to having her wants catered to immediately; this unreasonable delay wasnt something she intended to tolerate.

He swallowed, slowly walking closer to the crib. She was so small, the temper she exhibited was ludicrous. A girlwhat did he know about girl babies?

Shaking, he slid his big hands under the infant and lifted her, surprised at how light she was. Missy squalled a few more times, but the touch of those big hands told her she wasnt alone, and after a few hiccuping sobs she quieted.

Old skills came back to him automatically. Hurrying, without looking at her face, he changed her diaper and was about to settle her back into the crib when she made a cooing noise, and he jerked, almost dropping her. He looked at her and froze, mesmerized, as the baby looked at him with such innocent trust and acceptance that he almost screamed aloud with pain.

It wasnt fair. Sweet heaven, it wasnt fair. Hed avoided her, hadnt even held her, hadnt looked at her; hed rejected his own child, but none of that made any difference to her. She didnt scream in fear at being in unfamiliar hands. She simply looked at her father with automatic acceptance, then began trying diligently to control a waving fist long enough to stuff it into her open, avid mouth.

Looking at her was like looking at himself, immortalized. He stared in fascination at the dark hair, the almost-black eyes. Her mouth was Sarahs, he realized, a soft, tender mouth, but the rest of her was a feminine version of himself. Shed been born from the sweet, loving times in Sarahs arms, a part of Sarah, a part of himself. Hed wanted her life destroyed before it even began.

A low, raw cry came from his lips. He lifted her again, cradling her in his arms, and he sank to his knees. Bending over his child, he cried.

Sarah jerked awake, knowing that something was different. Her hand sought Rome but found only the empty pillow, and she sat up. An odd, strangled noise came to her ears, but it didnt sound like Missy. She whispered Rome? but there was no answer.

Quickly getting out of bed, she reached for her robe, pulling it around her. Going to the door, she looked for any light to indicate where he might be, but there was none. Then she heard the choking noise again, and she went cold. It came from the nursery. Missy was choking!

Her hand at her throat, she flew on silent bare feet down the hall, but only a split second had passed before she realized that it wasnt Missy. She stopped, her breath ragged. Rome?

The nursery door was open, and she moved silently so she could see into the room.

Rome was on his knees on the floor, Missy in his arms. He held her cuddled to his chest, and the raw, strangled sounds came from him.

Sarah almost moaned aloud. She wanted to go to him, to wrap her arms around him and comfort him in his grief, grief for the children hed lost, grief for the child he hadnt wanted. But this was his private moment of recognition with his daughter, and Sarah silently made her way back to bed.

She lay quietly, wiping away the tears as they wet her face. It was a long time before Rome came back to bed, sliding under the covers in a careful manner. She could tell that he was simply lying there, unable to sleep, but she didnt reach out for him. He was fighting a terrible inner war, and she couldnt help him.

He didnt mention it the next day, but there was a quietness about him, a sense of peace that hadnt been there before. He left for the office, and Sarah dressed Missy for her day at the store. There was nothing she could do but carry on exactly as she had before.

Derek only had a half-day of school, and he came in after lunch. Deftly he lifted Missy from her carrier, kissing her downy cheek. With the incredible sense of timing he had, he looked at Sarah as he jiggled the baby. Is everything going to be all right for you? he asked.

Yes, I really think it will be, she replied. How did you know?

The way you look. He smiled at her with deep tenderness. I knew he wouldnt be able to resist her for long.

Perhaps Derek had inside information, Sarah thought, watching him as he walked around the store with Missy in his strong young arms, talking to her as if she understood every word he said, and showing her all the brightly colored items that would interest her. And perhaps she did understand him; Max had compared Derek to an archangel. He might not be an angel, but he walked with them.

Sarah didnt deviate from her routine; Missy was sound asleep when Rome came in from the office. They ate dinner as usual, talked casually; she read while he read a few reports. Then she got ready for bed, checked on Missy, and crawled gratefully into bed, yawning.

Rome came out of the bathroom, drying his broad shoulders. Here, he said, tossing the towel to her. Dry my back.

He sat on the bed and she rubbed the towel over his back, then pressed a quick kiss on his spine. Tossing the towel to the floor, he turned to push her onto the pillows. I cant tell you how much I love you, he said quietly.

Try, she urged.

He laughed, bending down to kiss her with growing hunger. His lovemaking was incredibly sweet and intense that night; he held back, satisfying her time and again before letting himself go, then holding her tightly until she slept.

Missy woke in the early hours, wanting to be fed. Before Sarah could get out of bed, Rome threw the covers back and got to his feet. Stay there, he said. Ill bring her in here.

In a moment he was back, with a fussing infant in his arms. As he gave her to Sarah he said, You know, dont you? You were awake last night.

Yes, I know. All the love in the world shone out of her eyes as she looked at him.

You should hate me, he said roughly. For what I wanted to do.

No, never. You were hurting, and you wanted to protect yourself. I understood.

He looked at the baby as she nursed, and his hard dark face took on such a tender expression that Sarah came apart inside. Very gently he touched Missys cheek with one forefinger. Shes more than I deserve. I got a second chance all the way around, didnt I?

No, not a second chance, a second miracle. Hed been a man dead inside, and love had brought life back to him. Hed always carry the scars that marked the people hed loved and lost, but he could go on living now. He could laugh again, and enjoy the passing of the seasons. He could watch his child grow, delight in her shrieks of laughter, her innocence and enthusiasm, and give his love wholeheartedly to his second miracle.

He leaned over and kissed Sarah with slow deliberation, with love and passion. When Missy had been fed and was in her crib, he wanted to make love to his wife again, to show her how much he loved her. She was his first miracle, bringing him back into the sunlight.

REVISION HISTORY

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