Sarah's Child (22 page)

It took some time before he could coax her completely out of her shocked, silent condition, before he felt that she would be able to discuss the best solution to the problem. Still holding her, reassuring her with his touch, he asked, Did you make an appointment?

Sarah was confused, not quite understanding. Dr. Easterwood wants me to see her twice a month.

He shook his head. I meant an appointment for anan abortion. Even the way he felt, it was hard to say, and he shuddered with the effort it took.

She jerked and looked at him wildly. What?

In that moment, he knew that she hadnt thought of the solution to the problem, hadnt even considered it, and something cold touched him. He moved away from her, his eyes black with his inner hell. I dont want you to have this baby, he said rawly. I dont want it. I dont want any baby, ever.

Sarah felt as if shed received a huge blow to the chest; she tried to suck in air, and couldnt. Blindly she stared at him, afraid shed faint; then she finally managed to pull some oxygen into her constricted chest. Rome, its your baby too! How can you want

No, he interrupted, his voice harsh with pain. I buried my children. I stood by their graves and watched the dirt cover them up. I cant go through that again. I cant accept another child, so dontdont ask me to try. Ive learned to live without them, without my boys, but no other child can everever!replace them. His face twisted with agony, and he was gasping for breath too, as if it were almost impossible for him to continue. He fought for control and gained it, though sweat had broken out on his brow from the effort. I love you, he said, more quietly. Sarah, I love you. Thats more than I ever thought Id have again. Loving you, having you, has given me a reason to live again, something to look forward to every day. But another babyno. I cant do it. Dont have the baby. If you love me, dontdont have the baby.

She staggered, then brought herself upright only by sheer bone-crunching determination. No woman should ever have to hear this, she thought dimly. No woman should ever be faced with this decision. She loved him, and because she loved him, she had to love his child. She understood the strain he was under; shed seen his face when hed stood by the graves of his sons, and known that he would have lain down and died with them, if he could. But knowing, and understanding, didnt make it any easier for her.

He looked at her with pure screaming hell in his eyes, and suddenly his eyes and his cheeks were wet. Please, he begged shakily.

Sarah bit her lip until her teeth went through flesh and brought blood. I cant, she said.

Chapter 10

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She faced him across the study, her slender body braced under a burden she wasnt certain she could carry. Id do anything for you that you asked, she said in a slow, careful voice. Except that. I love you so much that I could never harm any part of you, and this baby is a part of you. Ive loved you for years, not just for the past few months, since weve been married. I loved you before you married or even met Diane, and after. I loved Justin and Shane because they were yours. She shook her head a little blindly. I dont expect Ill stop loving you, no matter what you do. If you cant, absolutely cant, accept this baby, thats your decision. But I cant destroy it.

Rome turned away, his movements slow, like an old man carrying too many years. What now? he asked in a leaden voice.

Its your decision, she repeated. She couldnt believe her voice was so calm, but her back was to the wall and she knew it. If you want to go, rather than live with me, Ill understand, and I wont stop loving you, ever. If you stay, Ill try Her voice broke suddenly and she stopped, breathing heavily for a moment before she could trust herself to speak again. Ill try to keep the baby away from you, out of your way. Ill never ask you to care for it, or hold it. I swear, Rome, youll never even have to know its name if you dont want to! For all intents and purposes, you wont be a father!

I dont know, he said lifelessly. Im sorry, but I just dont know.

He walked past her, and after a moment Sarah managed to control her legs enough to follow him. He paused on his way out of the apartment, his dark head bent. Without looking at her, he said, I do love you. More than you know. I wish Id told you before now, but He made a helpless motion with his hand. Something died in me when they died. They were so little, and they always looked to me for protection. I was their daddy, and there wasnt anything I couldnt do, in their eyes. But when they really needed me, I couldnt do anything to help them. All I could dowas hold themwhen it was too damned late! His mouth twisted with pain, and he rubbed his eyes, rubbed away the tears for his two little boys. I have to go. I have to be alone for a while. Ill be in touch, one way or the other. Take care of yourself. At last he looked at her, and what she saw in his eyes made her clench her fists to keep from crying out.

Even after the door had closed and minutes had ticked past, Sarah stood there, staring at the blank expanse of wood, because she could do nothing else. Shed known it would be difficult, but never had she guessed his reaction would be so strong, or his pain so raw. She felt his agony like a knife cutting into her own flesh.

Hed said he loved her. How awful to have heaven offered to her with one hand and taken away with the other!

She groped her way into the living room and sat down, her entire body numb with shock, but slowly she began to come alive again. If he loved her, perhaps hed stay. One miracle had already happened; was it so unreasonable to ask for another one? And if he stayed, perhaps in time the wound left by the loss of his sons would heal enough for him to love another child, her child. Shed keep her word though. If he stayed, she wouldnt try to force the child on him.

Rome didnt come home that night. Sarah lay in the bed shed shared with him every night hed been home since shed had the flu, and she cried until she couldnt cry any longer.

She got up the next morning without having slept and went to the store as usual. Erica noticed her pale face and tear-swollen eyes but discreetly didnt mention them. Tactfully, she waited on most of the customers, while Sarah remained in the office and brought all the books up-to-date. Even that was painful, because everything reminded her of Rome. Hed set up the books, helped her choose her computer system, worked in here every Saturday, and possibly gotten her pregnant on the very desk she sat at.

Erica wouldnt ask, but when Derek came in that afternoon and saw her, he reached out to help if he could. What is it? he asked. Can I help?

Sarah felt a surge of love for him. How any sixteen-year-old boy could be so wonderful was beyond her. For Derek, she could smile, and she did. Im pregnant, she said.

He drew up the one other chair in the tiny office and folded his muscular body into it. Is that bad?

I think its wonderful, she said shakily. The problem is that Rome doesnt want it. He was married before, and he had two beautiful little boys. They were killed in a car accident almost three years ago, and he cant bear being around children since then. Its still too painful for him.

Dereks beautiful eyes were sober, and endlessly kind. Dont give up. He wont really know how he feels until the baby is born and he can see it. Babies are pretty special, you know.

Yes, I know. So are you, she said.

He smiled his lovely, utterly peaceful smile, and got up to do his chores.

Another night came and went without word from Rome, but that night Sarah slept, exhausted from the lack of sleep the night before and the demands pregnancy was making on her body. Fatalistically, she realized that there was nothing more she could do, that they were both bound by the people they were and the circumstances of their lives. All her life shed wanted a stable home, a husband and children to love, and she simply couldnt give up. As long as there was a chance, she had to hope, and she had to try.

As she drove home the next night she became abruptly aware that spring had arrived. It was still brisk, but not really cold, and trees were putting out tender, budding leaves. Late last summer shed sat in her office, seeing the passing of sum-mer as the passing of her life, fading into autumn and then winter, with no future and no love, only an empty road spi-raling down for the rest of her years. Now she knew that after winter came spring. The winter had brought love into her life; with this spring, there was new life, inside her as well as springing forth from the earth. She felt suddenly more peaceful; the sense of continuity in life itself calmed her.

Romes car was in his parking slot.

On shaking legs, she went up to the apartment. Was he back to stay, or was he inside packing to leave? Knowing that the next few minutes were crucial to her happiness for the rest of her life, she opened the door.

A delicious, spicy odor greeted her.

Rome appeared in the kitchen doorway. He looked oddly thinner, though it had been only two days since shed seen him, and his face was lined with strain. But he was cleanly shaven and still dressed in the trousers from one of his suits, as well as a pale blue dress shirt, and she knew hed been going to the office as usual. Spaghetti, he said quietly, indicating the kitchen. If you cant eat it, Ill dump it out and well go somewhere for dinner.

I can eat it, she said, her voice as quiet as his. I havent been sick yet.

He nodded, then leaned his shoulder against the door frame as if he were very tired. I dont want to leave you, babe. I want to be with you, sleep with you, and look at that pretty face across the breakfast table from me. But I dont want to know about the baby, he said deliberately. Dont talk to me about it, and dont involve me in it. I dont want anything to do with it.

Sarah nodded, too shaken to say anything other than all right. Then she went to her bedroom to change clothes, leaving him leaning in the doorway.

Dinner was quiet, strained. She didnt ask him where hed been, or why hed made the decision hed made, nor did he volunteer the information. Hed said he wanted to sleep with her, but when they went to bed, Sarah realized hed probably meant in the rawer sense of the word, because he went to his own bedroom for the first time in a long while. She tried not to be disappointed, knowing what a shock hed had, but she still missed him. Without him, she felt lost; the bed was far too big and cold. Moreover, pregnancy was having the curious side effect of intensifying her physical needs, as one of the booklets Dr. Easterwood had given her mentioned. She wanted Rome as her lover, not just her sleeping partner.

Two days later Max came to see her at the store. Have lunch with me, he invited.

Sarah glanced quickly at him, in time to see the concern in his eyes before he masked it. She nodded and called to Erica that she was going to lunch.

Max took her to a small, quiet restaurant; as it was an early lunch, they were the only customers, except for a man in the back corner who was absorbed in his newspaper. They ordered their lunch; then when the waitress had left, Max gave Sarah a searching look. Are you all right?

Yes, of course, she replied, startled.

I wanted to reassure myself. You see, Rome spent two nights in my apartment, and he was the closest thing to a basket case Ive ever seen.

So that was where hed been. Sarah said thank you with deep open gratitude.

Maxs crooked smile would have melted stones. Dear girl, you know Id slay dragons for you, if only there were any left to slay. Tell me what I can do.

I suppose you know the entire story?

He nodded. As I said, Rome was in shock. I tried pouring tea down him, but he wouldnt have any, so I switched to Scotch. I couldnt get him drunk, he reflected, not even on my favorite Scotch, but he stopped looking like walking death and finally began to talk. No one had ever mentioned his background; when he told me about his first wife, and his sons, it was almost more than I could bear in a civilized manner, and Im not known as a particularly emotional man. For once, there was no devilish gleam in his turquoise eyes. That was all hed tell me the first night. He worked the next day, as normal, though he wasnt normal. On my solemn oath, it was a danger to even speak to the man. The second night he told me that youre pregnant.

Sarah twisted her water glass around, her eyes sad. Did he tell you

Yes. He reached out and covered her hand. I thought he was mad, or a fool, or both. If it were my child you were carrying, Id be intolerable with pride. But then, I havent had his experiences.

Diane was my best friend, Sarah whispered. I knew his babies. It wasawful.

He told me of your ultimatum. Love, you have to be the most courageous woman Ive ever met. You gambled everything, didnt you? And you won.

I havent won yet, not completely. I have a second chance, thats all.

He told me that he wont have anything to do with the child, that he isnt interested in it. If it works out like that, and you ever need anything, call me. Id be honored to be a surrogate father. Ill drive you to the hospital, hold your hand during labor, whatever you want. Do you realize, he said thoughtfully, what Ive just committed myself to? Rome isnt the only fool. I suppose I can always comfort myself with the thought that hes too bloody sharp to let any other man stand in with his wife like that.

Sarah began to laugh, touched by his concern. You poor dear. You were doing so well until you thought of childbirth, werent you?