Sacred Waters (28 page)

She spent an extra twenty minutes a day trying to get out of chairs and learned that low seating was something she should never chance without a buddy to help her back up. It was easier to simply stand, but then her ankles started swelling to the point she thought she would need new shoes, and her sciatica began to pinch and ache. So sat she did.

She had been sitting at her desk one afternoon working on lesson plans for the sub that would come when she started her maternity leave, enjoying a soft pretzel and ridiculously large banana smoothie, when there was a knock at her classroom door.

“Knock, knock.”

Sam looked up and almost choked on her pretzel, the dough turning to lead on her tongue.

“Braydon,” she wheezed.

“I thought I’d find you here. I was in the neighborhood and figured I’d ask if you worked here. Low and behold here you are.”

She knew she was being rude, but she had so not prepared for this. “It’s really not a good time. I have a lot of work to get done before next week.”

He stepped farther into her classroom anyway. Sam slumped lower in her chair. She might as well have been trying to hide a beach ball under a tissue.

“You look great. Different.”

“Thanks. You look good too.”

He came and plopped his keys down and sat right on the edge of her desk, making himself right at home.

“You’ll never believe who’s applying to Villanova.”

“Who?” she asked mechanically.

“Sheilagh. My mom, who still talks about you all the time by the way, says she’s really grown up in the past few months. No one knows what happened, but it’s like she went to bed one night a bratty child demanding respect and woke up an adult prepared to earn it. She’ll probably get in. Shei’s always been smart. Kelly’s still the same old—”

“Braydon, what are you doing here?” she finally interrupted.

He seemed intent on updating her on every McCullough and there were certain McCulloughs she could do without hearing about, especially this close to her due date and being so emotional. Not to mention that she had to pee again and didn’t want Braydon to notice her condition.

“I was worried about you. My mom tells me that Colin—”

“Please don’t bring him up. I really can’t deal with any thoughts of your brother at the moment. I’m busy and I have to get back to work. I’m sorry.”

She knew she gave her feelings away, but she had to if she wanted him to keep Colin out of all conversation. He gave her a sad smile that Sam took as his understanding her dismissal was more a self-preservation thing than anything personal.

“Okay, Sam. Well, I’m glad I saw you. I’ll let you get back to work. Congrats on the new job and maybe I’ll stop by before school lets out.”

“Sure. Closer to June would be best. I won’t be…as busy then.”

He smiled seeming pleased that she’d like to visit with him at a less hectic time. “Okay then. You still have my number. Call me if you ever want to grab a drink or something. Just as friends, Sam. I hope we’re still at least that.”

She smiled. “We’re still friends, Braydon.”

“Good.”

When he finally left Sam leaned back in her chair and breathed a huge sigh of relief. She hoisted herself out of her seat and waddled toward the bathroom before her bladder exploded. She was halfway to the door when Braydon suddenly breezed back in.

“I forgot my keys—”

They both froze.

There was no hiding her belly.

His eyes grew to the size of saucers. “Jesus fucking Christ, you’re pregnant?”

Sam hung her head. Her life would’ve been so much easier if she could have avoided this moment. She was about to sit back down and explain herself, but instead said, “Yes. And no doubt a million accusations are running through your head, most of them likely insulting, but I’m not going to listen to a single one until I go pee. You’re welcome to sit. I’ll be back in five minutes. Just remember, Braydon, knowing what’s right doesn’t always change what is real.”

“But Sam—”

“Not until I pee,” she said and wobbled out the door.

It took longer than five minutes for Sam to waddle her way back to her classroom. With every hour that brought her closer to her due date her belly seemed to drop lower. She felt like her baby could fall out of her at any given moment.

When she entered the room she could tell Braydon still hadn’t accepted what he had seen. He sat in a student’s desk in the front row and reminded her of a kid. His face was pale and his expression was one of complete bewilderment. Waddling to her desk, she sighed as she sat down.

“Braydon, it’s okay. Really. I’m okay.”

“You’re pregnant,” he said this as if it was news to her. Then he shook his head as if it were simply impossible. “Colin’s?”

She pressed her lips together. She’d never told anyone who the father was. Braydon looked as though this revelation was costing him and she could make that all go away with just one lie. All she had to do was deny Colin’s paternity, but for some reason she could not lie to Braydon.

“The baby’s father isn’t an issue. He or she will have all the love they need. I’ll be every bit as much of a father to this child as a mother. My child will want for nothing when it comes to being loved and nurtured.”

He scowled at her. “You can’t do this, Sam. My family has a right to that child’s life. That’s my niece or nephew in there.”

Overprotectiveness blanketed her like a second skin. If the McCullough’s knew Colin was the father he would undoubtedly find out. It would ruin his future and he would resent her for the rest of his life. He had made his choice and he didn’t choose her.

Sadness morphed into anger.

“What do you propose I do, Braydon? Walk into Saint Peter’s or wherever your brother is and ask for the use of a manger because I am about to bring the child of a holy man into this world? You know I can’t do that to him.”

“He’s not at Saint Peter’s.”

“Well, wherever he is.” She waved away the technicality. “There’s nothing he can do.”

“You’re wrong, Samantha,” he snapped. “You should have contacted him the minute you found out. Contacted us. Something! You’ve gone all this time, keeping it from us, lying—”

“You have no idea what I’ve had to endure, Braydon.” The start of tears choked her. “He chose the church! Not me, but a life of poverty, service, and celibacy in spite of what we shared! He practically promised himself to God from the cradle. He told me all along nothing would change his path and I understood that.”

Tears slipped past her lashes and down her cheeks.

“My baby changes nothing. If it did, he would only resent me for putting him in this situation. He would
blame
me
.”

“You’re wrong,” he said so certainly. “Colin would never blame you for something he took equal part in. You need to come home with me. You have to tell them.”

“No,” she resolved. “Tell them if you must, but I’ll never return to your home again, Braydon.”

“He’s in Center County, Sam.”

And that was why she would never return. The image of him in flowing robes and white collars made her chest ache so painfully she gasped and choked on a sob.

“It’s too late. He made his vows to the Catholic Church, not me. Nothing can ever remove that promise. Colin’s word to God would be something unbreakable, not by circumstances, temptation, or even love.”

“No, Sam, there’s so much you don’t understand.”

“And I have no interest in comprehending, Braydon. Please try to understand. I have not told a single soul who the father is. I wouldn’t do that to Colin. You are the first person I’ve admitted it to. Colin finding out would be such a burden—”

“Or a blessing,” he interrupted.

“No, Braydon, it would be a burden. It would ruin everything. Please, please try to understand that this is not how I wanted things to work out, but it’s the best solution I have if I want to protect Colin.”

He was quiet for a long while. As he looked past her shoulder as if seeing a vision only meant for him, he said, “The day of his Ordination you should have been there. I know he wanted you there, but knew it would be too hard for you.”

“Braydon, please don’t do this to me,” she begged but he ignored her.

“He looked so right in his robes up on that pulpit beside the bishop. It was how we always imagined him. First the other priests testified that he was worthy of the priesthood. Then the bishop began to question him. Colin promised before us all to always give his service to the Holy Spirit. He vowed to preach the Gospel and teach the Catholic faith.”

Her heart felt like it was being crushed. Like her chest was caving in. She silently sobbed as Braydon continued.

“He vowed to always hold faith in the mysteries of the church, to honor and believe in the sacraments. But when the bishop asked if he vowed to always love God above all others he promised nothing.”

Sam hung her head, guilt riding her hard, and wiped her eyes with the heel of her palm.

“We waited and eventually he did speak, but he made no such promise. Before my entire family, the priesthood, his mentor Father Tucker, and the Bishop, Colin declared himself unworthy. He asked for more time. Said he had unresolved matters that were plaguing his heart and making it impossible to surrender himself completely to the Lord.”

Pieces of his words finally penetrated the pain.

“What?” Dear God, she had caused him this confusion. Guilt, harder than she had ever felt before, lanced through her.

“Everyone was shocked, but Kelly and I, we understood what his dilemma was. It was you, Sam.”

“I’m sorry,” she said pathetically, her tears falling unchecked. “I never wanted to cause him trouble. That’s why I can never tell him. This will only complicate matters further for him. He’s meant to be a priest. I can’t interfere in that any more than I already have.”

“He’s meant to serve God, which he is. He’s working for the parish teaching theology at the grade school, but Sam, he’s completely miserable. He may have given his word to serve the church, but he had promised such loyalty since he was a teenager. To swear it before others was nothing new. But he could not promise to bond himself solely to God when he gave you his heart first. Don’t you see? He’s lost everything when he had it all. He’s lost his way. He lost his church. He lost you. And now you want to keep his child from him too.”

“What if he still wants to go back? What if he’s only taking some time to reflect?”

Braydon shook his head. “How’s he supposed to make any decision without having all the facts?”

What if he rejected her again? Sam didn’t think, between the pregnancy and the stress of becoming a new mom in the next week or so, she could handle the heartache of Colin’s rejection again.

“Look,” Braydon said, standing from the desk he’d occupied. “I was planning on driving home tonight. Why don’t I wait until tomorrow morning? If you change your mind meet me here at the school at seven o’clock.”

“And if I don’t? Will you tell them?”

His lips formed a firm line of displeasure. “I don’t know.”

Chapter Twenty

Perspiration cooled on Colin’s skin under his heavy flannel as he swung the ax down hard and split the log on the chopping block with practiced precision. March had certainly come in like a lion. The blustery winds smacked at his face and his breath clouded before him. His boots crunched over the snow as he tossed the split wood to the pile and grabbed another log from the woodpile.

Braydon’s little car pulled into the plowed driveway at the edge of the property. Damn selfish of him to leave their mother waiting for him last night only to change his mind last minute and decide to come this morning. He tossed another log onto the pile and the hair on the back of his neck prickled.

His mother’s steps onto the front porch came the moment Braydon parked the car. Everyone else in the world might stop for his brother’s arrival, but Colin continued to split wood. He usually spent his entire Saturday chopping firewood and shoveling snow until his arms felt as though they would fall off his body and his mind was too exhausted to think, allowing no idle time for self-pity.

The car door opened and Colin grunted as he swung down the axe. The weight of the heavy blade slicing through the wood and splintering it into two was oddly comforting.

“Finally!” his mother crowed. “And just in time for lunch.”

“I’ve brought someone with me, Mum,” Braydon said and for some reason his words caused Colin’s aim to slip and he nearly sliced the heavy axe right into his leg.

Irritated at the distraction, he kicked the fallen log aside and stacked another log upon the block. This time slamming down the axe with twice as much force and missing nothing.

His mother gasped. “Holy Christ.” The oath was enough to cause Colin to wait a split second before swinging down again. “Samantha?”

His breathing ceased and the heavy axe fell from his hand. He pivoted so quickly he almost tripped over the log he’d kicked aside. There she was, bundled in a heavy down jacket, long dark hair blowing in the heavy winter wind, looking as stunning as ever. He couldn’t move. His feet were frozen to the ground.

Braydon noticed him first, but next Sammy’s gaze found him. His shoulders raised and fell as his breath sawed in and out of his chest. He resented the cloud of moisture his breath created as it blurred his view.

Braydon looked back to their mother and said, “Let’s catch up inside. It’s freezing out here and Sam really needs to use the restroom.”

When Colin saw Braydon take Samantha’s elbow and help her up the stairs a possessive animal inside of him roared in objection. Ignoring the mess he’d left at the chopping block he marched up to the porch and inside the house after them. Why was she suddenly here? Did she know he had not made his Holy Orders? He had so many questions, but when he stepped inside she was gone.

He looked at Braydon and his brother said, “Bathroom.”

His gaze watched the door to the powder room as he accusingly asked, “What’s she doing here, Bray?”

“Don’t sound so put out. She hasn’t had an easy time of things lately. She needed to be here and she’s really emotional so try, for once, not to be a prick.”