Rush (30 page)

“We’ll talk again,” Rolls finally said. “I’m not gonna arrest you tonight. Chances are there won’t be any charges, but you’re gonna need to stay in town.”

“Sure. We’ll probably stay in a hotel tonight. You’ve got my cell number.”

Rolls stood as Mi came into the room with the other detective and addressed his comments to her. “From what we can tell, looks like Gann acted alone.”

“So it’s over,” she said, relief making her words a sigh.

“Yeah,” Rolls answered, his gaze flicking back and forth between Lucas and Mi. “Looks like. You’re free to go. Smith’ll go with you to pack a bag if you want.”

Mi nodded and followed the other detective into the bedroom.

An officer approached Rolls and whispered something to him. “Jesus H. Christmas! Are you sure?” The officer answered too low for Lucas to hear. “Shoot.” Rolls responded. “All right. Better have the tech guys head on down there next. I’ll be along shortly.” Rolls shook his head, turning back to Lucas. “We found that neighbor Gann talked ‘bout.” Rolls said to Lucas. “Dead.”

“Damn.”

“You saved the tax payers a lot of money.” Rolls nudged Lucas with his elbow, that just-us-buds smile accordioning his face. “Nice placement. Two right to the center of the forehead.” He shook his head. “Sure you don’t want to come over to our side? We could sure use you, what with your training and all.”

There was nothing except a black hole in Lucas where the expected pride should have been. What was there to be proud of? He wasn’t sorry Gann was dead, but he wasn’t happy about it either. “I’ll think about it.” He wouldn’t. He admired cops, he just didn’t see himself as ever being one.

Rolls reached up and clapped him on the shoulder. “You do that. You do that. I’d best check on things in the other room. You take care of your lady.” He left Lucas standing in the living room with people moving around him like a rock in a stream.

Lucas didn’t correct him. Mi wasn’t his lady or anything else at the moment. His role as her bodyguard was officially over. He jammed his hands in the front pockets of his jeans. She’d made it clear their time was limited. Hell, she’d pretty much said it was already over. So where did that leave them now?

Mi came back into the room, carrying two overnight bags and a pet carrier. “I crated Gooch and packed some things for you, too.” She handed him one of the bags.

He took that one and the other one as well. “Are you ready?”

“Sure.”

Wanting to remember how things once were, he gave the apartment one last look with all of Mi’s things in it. They’d all go back tomorrow along with her most likely. Dawn crested, tinting the buildings orange and yellow and casting that light into the room in thin golden rays. Over. Finished. Complete. How sick was he that he almost wished Gann wasn’t dead? Wished they had more time to work things out.

They stepped into the elevator and stood side by side, staring up at the decreasing numbers in silence.

Mi cast Lucas an uncertain glance. He’d been so quiet since the shooting. She worried about him. Knowing his past, she understood how hard it had been for him to pull the trigger. He’d given up that life when he’d left the military and yet here he was back in it to defend her. She slipped her hand into his. Out of the corner of her eye she caught his surprise at the gesture.

She gave his hand a little squeeze. “Where are we going?”

“I was thinking a hotel.”

The unspoken question was there, dangling in the spaces between his words. He was giving her the choice. In or out? With me or not? She drifted closer, leaning against his arm. She was grateful for what he’d done for her, but it wasn’t gratitude that colored her decision. She wanted one more night with him, one night to show him all of the things she couldn’t say. One more chance to give back a fraction of what he’d given her. One more night in his arms, in his bed. One more memory to take and one to leave.

“I’d like that,” she replied, meeting his gaze in their reflection in the doors. “I’d like that a lot.”

CHAPTER NINETEEN

The hotel room door closed behind Lucas with a quiet snick. They stood a few feet apart, a few feet from the yawning king sized bed. The air between them hummed, coming to life with all that lay between them. They drifted toward one another. There was no signal or glance, no plan or thought, just raw need drawing them together like opposite poles of a magnet.

He touched the side of her face with his fingertips. Their gazes locked in a battle of what if’s and should we’s. In the end Mi supposed it didn’t matter. If they were in the same room they’d want each other. It was more of a
when
than an
if
.

“It will always be like this, you know,” he said this with certainty.

He wasn’t telling her anything she didn’t know. They’d waged a battle with no war. They’d conquered yet hadn’t won. They’d survived the world, but not each other.

She reached for his wrist, laying her cheek against his palm. “I know.”

He looked so lost. She was, too. He took her face in his hands and kissed her, a long, spiraling kiss that unwound the knots. His lips fit over hers, their tongues dancing a rhythm that beat back any residual doubt. He jerked at her clothing, a sign of his impatience. Smoothing her hands under his shirt, she drew it over his head. Her shirt hit the floor next to his. They wrestled with their remaining clothes, a flurry of movement punctuated with searing kisses and desperate touches. Their frantic hunger for each other mirrored their first time as though all their other times together hadn’t assuaged their desire.

They hit the bed in a twist of limbs and roving hands. His mouth was everywhere, one breast then the other, her neck, her mouth and back again. She kissed a trail up his chest to the spot just under his jaw that drove him insane. He groaned, his hands sliding to her backside where he held her to him, his erection pressing insistently against her. She reached for him, wrapping her fingers around his long, hard length.

Keeping his mouth on hers, he reached for his pants, fumbling through the pockets. He pressed the foil packet into her hand, then slid his fingers between her legs, stroking her to desperation. She fit the condom on with more speed than finesse. He growled, turning them so she was on top. She held him to her, then slowly sank down. Their gazes met, held. What she saw in the dark depth of his eyes both thrilled and frightened her.

She set the pace, rising, then sinking down with slow deliberation, watching his eyes darken into black pools of pleasure. He grasped her hips, holding on, but not hurrying her. She bent and flicked her tongue over his nipple. God, that noise he made. She did again to the other side, eliciting the same half moan, half growl. She loved pleasuring him, loved making him crazy with need.

She came down harder, faster, her own need a growing, gnawing thing. He met her thrusts, his hips flexing up in time with hers. She planted her hands on his chest, using the leverage to increase the pace. He writhed beneath her, holding her tighter. So close… He reached between them, his thumb sliding through her slickness. There… just there. She arched back, her fingers pressing into his chest and came with his name on her lips. Driving into her one more time, he came with roar, grinding deeper into her.

She flopped down onto his chest, her hair trailing out around her. Still vibrating from her orgasm, she closed her eyes, shuddering in the aftermath. Her breath puffed across his chest, her heart banging against her ribcage. He was right. It would always be like this between them. It was like he was made for her, knew just how to please her. She understood him, wanted him, loved him. There would never be another man in her life like him.

“I love you,” she whispered into his chest.

If he heard her, he gave no sign. The stroke of his hand up and down her back never stalled or wavered. She breathed a sigh of relief.

“I love you too,
querida
,” he said, almost too quiet to hear if it weren’t for her ear pressed to his chest.

She closed her eyes, replaying his words over again in her head, savoring the shape of them and the way her heart sped up. For a few moments she imagined a life where they could say these words to each other everyday in passing as she’d seen other couples do. Throwing the phrase like invisible confetti to flutter and float about, blanketing the ground around them. Didn’t those other people know how lucky they were?

She scrambled off him, mumbling that she needed the bathroom.

“Oh, shit.”

Something about the way he’d said that had her halting in her tracks. She turned.

He was sitting up in bed looking down at himself, then up at her. His lips parted, his eyes wide with shock, and then he dropped a bomb that nearly took her to her knees.

“The condom broke.”

Her hand flew to her mouth. No. This couldn’t be happening. She fumbled for the doorknob, needing it for balance. “Tell me you’re joking.”

He shook his head back and forth.

“How could you let this happen?” she wailed. “Oh, my God.” She sank slowly down to the floor, her back pressed against the wall. “Oh, my God. Oh, my God.” She couldn’t have a baby. Just the thought of it… oh, God no. She just couldn’t.

He got up, removed the offending condom, wrapped it in a tissue and threw it away. Crouching down next to her, he stroked her hair. “It’ll be all right.”

She batted his hand away. “How can you say that? I’m not on the pill. Don’t you get it?” She shoved away from him. What was wrong with him? “We have to do something.”

He stood and watched her pace. Just stood there like it was no big deal.

“Don’t just stand there, do something!” she shouted at him.

“Calm down. It was just one time.”

“That’s all it takes!” The bubbling broth of her emotions bumped the lid she’d so carefully kept over them, threatening to knock it off completely. “I can’t have this baby.”

He sat down on the edge of the bed, calm as ever. “If you’re pregnant we’ll deal with it.”

She stopped her pacing and stared at him. He wasn’t serious, they never were. All their promises vanished right about the time the possibility of pregnancy became the reality of a baby. She’d seen her mother go through it with Jason’s father and then Ethan’s.

“I’ll get that morning after pill.”

He launched off the bed toward her. “The hell you will.”

“I’m not having this baby.”

“There might not be a baby, but if there is we’ll work it out.” He actually looked like he might be happy about the possibility.

She snorted in disbelief. “You say that now, but you don’t mean it.” Derision turned her words nasty and accusing.

“Don’t tell me what I mean and don’t mean.” He swelled to his full size, more angry than she’d ever seen him.

“You don’t get it.” She ticked points off on her fingers. “You won’t be the one raising it by yourself. You won’t be the one taking care of it day and night. You won’t be the one working all day just to come home to more work.”

He edged closer. “You wouldn’t be alone.”

“That’s what they all say in the beginning and then they leave.”

“How many ways do I have to say it? I’m not going anywhere.”

“They say that, too!” Her breath caught on a sob. “They say it over and over. They go and then they come back with more promises until finally they don’t bother to make promises at all anymore because
they
don’t
come back
.”

“That’s what happened to your mom.”

“And Lucy.” She swiped at a tear. “Her husband didn’t even bother to show up for his baby’s birth. Remember? So please tell me, why should I believe any of
your
promises?” She knew she was getting ugly, her face hot from crying, but she didn’t care. It was all coming out and she had no way to stop it. The lid was off. The brew of her emotions churned and frothed, boiling over the sides, spitting as it hit the fire below.

He put a hand up like he was going to touch her, then dropped it back to his side. “I love you. And even if I didn’t, I don’t walk away from my responsibilities.”

“And what happens… what happens if you
die
?”

“
Querida
—”

She shook like a drug addict denied her fix. “Are you going to promise me you won’t die like my father? And what happens when I go crazy? What happens when I can’t take care of myself?”

The questions came fast and furious, pouring over the sides quicker than she could push them back in. “What happens when I can’t protect the baby? What happens when the baby is killed because I couldn’t stay awake? What then, Lucas? What then? Who’s going to be there when I fail? Who’s going to be there when the police come? Who’s going to lie to them? Who’s going to keep the secret? Who’s going to protect them? Who? Who?”

Lucas caught her as she stumbled, then crumpled, sinking to the floor with her. He rocked her as she cried, her small fist pounding into his chest. Holy fuck. What the hell had happened to her? He soothed her as best as he could, mumbling nonsense words and cradling her against him. He’d never seen her like this and it scared the shit out of him.

“I can’t have a baby,” she mumbled against his chest. “I can’t protect it. I can’t.”

“Shh,
querida
. I’m here. I’m right here.”

She hiccupped on a sob. “I can’t do it. I know you’ll hate me, but I just can’t do it.”

He drew her back and smoothed the hair away from her face. “You’re stronger than you think. I know you don’t believe me now, but I’m here for you. If you’re pregnant we
will
work this out together. We will.”

She shook her head.

“You don’t have to believe me now,” he repeated, wiping her tear with the pad of his thumb. God. Seeing her like this nearly broke him in two. He put his forehead to hers, hoping she’d see how serious he was. “One day you will. I won’t let you down. I’ll do more than promise you, I’ll show you.”

“I don’t want to be like my mother.” The pain in her voice reached down inside him and clawed, raking him raw and bloody.

“You’re not like your mother.”