Rumors (14 page)

She was
young. She was strong. I had to believe she was going to make
it—she just needed a little help. Losing sight of her again for a
moment, panic tore at my stomach—but there she was, clinging to a
boulder, eyes wide with fright and lips shivering against the cold.
Maddie was a fighter.

I
uncurled my numbing fingers to grab hold of a branch, tugging it
loose from where it had fallen into a bush. I bent over the river’s
edge, extending the branch like a lifeline.

“
Allie! Allie, please help me!” Maddie’s natural confidence
disappeared with the river, and all that was left was a cold and
terrified nine-year-old child. She threw out one arm in a desperate
attempt to grab the branch. Her fingertips knocked the end of it
before she returned her two-armed grasp around the
boulder.

Kneeling
on the embankment, I scooted my body forward, pushing the branch as
far as I could reach. “Come on, Madison! You can do it! Just a
little farther!” I hoped she couldn’t hear the terror behind the
shout of my instructions, my heart beating as loudly as the
pounding rain.

With a
leap of faith, Maddie thrust herself towards me, both hands
grasping hold of the branch. A touch of terror left her eyes at the
same time that I let out a breath of relief. Though the river still
pulled, I held her securely, my grip on the branch steady and my
determination strong. I had her.

As I
attempted to pull Maddie towards me, my grip on the wet tree limb
slipped. In my haste, I leaned forward to keep hold of the bough.
With my body already at the very edge of the embankment, my
impulsive movement flung me headfirst into the river.

Icy
water swallowed me whole, freezing my muscles and mind. The river
stole my breath, numbing me with fear all over again. I shot my
head out of the water, inhaling air and water. Flailing my arms, I
fought to grab hold of something—anything—my bodying smashing into
boulders in the process. I grunted, searching for
Maddie.

Gasping,
I spotted her bobbing a fair distance before me. She turned her
head, blue eyes meeting mine for just a moment. Her cries were
lost, whether because of my own gurgling shrieks or the sounds of
the triumphant river whirling her around, I couldn’t be sure. The
river continued to dunk her up and down… until her little blond
head failed to resurface.

My legs
fought to find footing beneath me, my body twisting in the river as
I battled. I inhaled as much water as I did oxygen, fatigue
wrapping itself around my limbs, my mind. Thrown against the
embankment, my arms tangled themselves in some brush. My fingers
braided into the thick undergrowth, holding me in place while the
river tugged on me, wrenching my body parallel.

Eyes
barely open against the water rushing past my face, I caught
glimpse of a figure above me and a murmured voice calling to me. I
wanted to respond to the voice—wanted to see who it was… but I felt
myself slipping, physically, mentally, giving in to the river’s
pull—until even the sound of the river’s victorious roar was heard
no more.

I laid
curled on my side, my body half-inclined on the thin hospital
mattress beneath me. My back faced the doorway, my position
remaining immobile, as it had been for the past couple of hours. My
eyes casting downwards, I could still see the figure of a man
hunched over in a chair near the foot of my bed, his head resting
heavily in both of his hands—like he didn’t have the strength to
support it otherwise. Using the palms of his hands, he buried them
into his eyes, rubbing away tears.

I
shifted uncomfortably, just the tiniest bit of movement, but it
alerted Dad’s attention. “Allison,” he spoke, his voice quiet as he
attempted once again. “Please, honey—just talk to me.”

My eyes closed as I swallowed the lump in my throat that
refused to fully dissolve. I fought the tears, barely able to
breathe as it was.
Barely able to
breathe…

The
river seemed to consume me all over again. Images of Maddie popped
into my mind, her final look of terror staring back at me, punching
me in the gut over and over.

I
retched over the side of the bed, my empty stomach kicking my body
into spasms. Dad jumped to his feet and hurried to my side, placing
an uncertain hand on my back. He patted me awkwardly, probably
grateful that I had nothing left in me since my previous hurling
episode. He tried to hand me a cup of water, but I pushed his hand
away, refusing his kindness.

I didn’t
deserve it.

Besides,
the IV line stuck in my left arm should be doing its job. I ignored
the irritating tug of the needle in my hand and remained on my
side, curled up in the fetal position. The evening played out in my
mind, accompanying the sick loss of control gnawing on my
insides.

Maddie
was gone.

They
hadn’t found her body yet but the search was still going on,
combing the river, and searching the embankments for any signs of
Maddie’s survival—but she was presumed dead. It had been over four
hours now since the “incident” occurred. My sense of time was a
little skewed, though, since I awoke in the hospital bed with no
memory of how I arrived there.

A nurse
told me an anonymous person had brought me to the Emergency Room,
leaving swiftly before anyone could ask him questions. All he had
said as he handed me off was that I had almost drowned in the
river. With the heavy rainstorm bringing in a surge of victims from
other accidents, he had been able to slip away quickly in the
chaos.

Lines of
memory blurred together, leaving me unable to distinguish one from
the other. I vaguely recalled being pulled from the river… and I
had sensed that I was in a car, being taken to the hospital… but
beyond that, I remembered nothing else of this anonymous rescuer,
and had no idea why he chose to hide his identity.

What I
did remember was the look on Aunt Heidi’s face as she peered into
my hospital room, her face swollen and red as though she’d been
slapped repeatedly. What I will never forget, as I struggled with
my words, is the wail that escaped her lips, her woeful eyes
bearing down on me.

“
You were supposed to be watching her!”
The agonizing howl bent her in half as she gripped her
stomach, ready to collapse. Uncle Bill rushed to her side, tugging
her out the door. He glanced once in my direction, perhaps with a
look of apology as our eyes met—but it was hard to tell with his
face also puffy and stricken with grief.

It was
then that I puked for the first time since I arrived at the
hospital, wishing the agony and guilt sitting heavily in my gut
would also be expelled. Dad had raced into my room, no doubt
overhearing Aunt Heidi’s words from the hallway. He had stepped out
to call Mom, whose hysterical voice could be heard coming through
the speaker on the cell phone.

That was
about two hours before this latest episode of dry
heaving.

“
Is Aunt Heidi gone?” I managed to say, breaking through the
dryness in my mouth. I didn’t make eye contact with Dad, though I
could see him from my peripheral, standing by the
window.

“
She’s back at the cabin,” he said, running a hand through his
disheveled hair. He paused a moment. “You know she didn’t mean what
she said, right?”

I sighed, pulling my lips tightly together again. Whether
Aunt Heidi meant to say it or not, she was right—I
was
supposed to be
watching Maddie.

Dad
shook his head, reading my thoughts through my expression. “She was
just in shock,” he excused, his voice pleading for me to believe
him, understanding the devastating weight of his sister’s words.
“She was still digesting the news. You know Heidi loves you, and
it’s not your fault, Allie.”

What he didn’t understand—what no one would know—is that
it
was
my fault.
I could have saved Maddie. She was within my grasp, holding tightly
onto that branch—trusting that I would never let her go, but I did.
I fell into the river, and I let her go.

My
little cousin, my precious friend…

If Aunt
Heidi hated me now, there was no way she’d ever even look at me
again if she knew what I did. That would only make Maddie’s death
harder to accept if anyone knew that she almost
survived.

It was
then and there, in that confined hospital room, that I decided to
withhold the details. No one else needed to carry the burden of
considering what might have been, or the burden of warding off my
own personal guilt.

I would
carry it alone.

They
found her body the next morning—when first light and clear skies
allowed for another thorough search. Even though we assumed
yesterday that Maddie was gone, hearing the news that they had
retrieved her body allowed another wave of heartbreaking reality to
sweep through my family and me.

The way
the TV reporters gobbled up and spread the news made me feel like a
criminal, mentioning my near drowning while informing of Maddie’s
death. I’m sure every viewer wondered why I survived when she
didn’t—probably assuming I had only looked out for myself. It was
just as well. I deserved the scrutiny.

In the
cabin I hid in my room, unable to face Aunt Heidi or Uncle Bill
more than necessary. I was supposed to be packing up my belongings,
preparing for our drive home that afternoon, but I couldn’t do it.
I sat on the edge of my bed, folding and unfolding one of Maddie’s
shirts that had found its way into my pile of laundry.

A
tentative knock sounded at my door. Aunt Heidi met my gaze, the
dark bags under her swollen eyes making me cringe. She had stayed
up all night, waiting for the official news about her
daughter.

“
I want you to know,” she started, faltering as her voice
cracked, “that I don’t blame you.” She wiped her eyes, seating
herself on the twin bed adjacent to mine—the same one Maddie often
slept in for our “summer slumber parties.”

I broke
eye contact, still fumbling with the shirt between my fingers. I
recalled her words at the hospital and the implication behind them.
I didn’t hold anything against her for pinning me as the source of
her grief, even if she was trying to apologize for it
now.

“
You were like a sister to her,” Aunt Heidi continued, her
words low in her raspy throat. Her sniffling filled the
room.

At the
word “sister,” my own eyes dampened again, and a physical pain
compressed my heart.

What had I done?

“
I’m sorry,” I said, swallowing the burning lump in my throat.
“I wish I had stopped her from crossing the river. I had no idea it
was running that fast until I reached her.”

“
Come here, Allie.” Aunt Heidi seated herself on my mattress,
wrapping her arms around me and pulling my head onto her shoulder.
We cried together for a minute more, the room suffocating us with
the nonstop flow of heavy despair.

I needed
to get out of there.

While
the adults and my sisters continued to pack, I slipped out my
bedroom window, landing in the large parking lot. Despite our
tragedy, Hidden Pines continued to move and fill the air with
carefree laughter, oblivious to the screeching halt in my
life—almost oblivious, that is. Stepping away from our cabin and
heading towards a trail, I kept my eyes averted, sweeping the
ground as I moved. Still, my peripheral caught the whispered
voices, the pointed fingers… It was no secret that the Collins
family would be the highlight of gossip this summer.