Ruin (19 page)

****

The MRI scared the hell out of me. I always hated them but wasn’t given much of a choice in this instance. Instead of concentrating on not moving — I thought about Kiersten. I imagined what she would look like when she was thirty. Would her smile still be the same? Would her belly be swollen with a child? Damn, but I wanted the child to be mine. I bit down hard on my lip. I had to stay still, my fists wanted to clench. I wanted to yell. My visions went on fast forward to Kiersten as an old woman sitting on the porch holding her husband’s hand. I wasn’t sure why I was torturing myself. Hell, I’d known her for three months, but it wasn’t that instant love thing that had been a part of all my teenage and college years. I knew it was real. Maybe that was God’s final gift to me — true love.

Before I knew it, the MRI was over and my face was wet with tears. The minute I could move I wiped the wetness from my face so nobody would notice. The last time I cried was when Tye died. Funny, how death really brings it out in people. Three months ago I was ready. Three months ago I had accepted my fate. But now? Now I wanted more than anything to be a part of Kiersten’s story, not just a chapter, but the entire damn book. I just wasn’t sure what the plan was. All I knew is it was out of my control. Maybe that was the scariest thing. In life we always have some measure of control whether it be over our emotions or choices, but when it comes to cancer? The only thing you can control is how you respond to it.

“How are you feeling?” that same nurse asked. She had bright blond hair, almost translucent. Her skin was a pale white, but she didn’t look washed out. She was really pretty, though I couldn’t tell how old she was. Maybe thirty? Forty? I must have looked confused, because she put her warm hand to my forehead. “Are you feeling ill?”

“No, sorry.” I laughed. “I just, I know this sounds strange, but I can’t tell how old you are.”

Her smile brightened. “We’re as old as we feel, right?”

“Right.” And I felt hella old. Especially after that morning’s round of medications. At least I didn’t have to swallow anything anymore. Nah, they just pumped all those fun drugs directly into my veins. Lucky me.

“Weston.” Her voice was crisp. “It’s going to be okay.” She grabbed my hand and patted it.

I looked at her name tag,
Angela
. It fit. She seemed more angel than nurse anyway.

“Thanks, Angela.”

She looked at me in confusion.

I pointed to the name tag.

She laughed. “Brilliant college boys.”

“What can I say?” I grinned as she helped me back to my bed.

Forty-one or forty-five. I was going to stick with that. She was probably the same age as my mom would have been before her untimely death. She’d had blond hair too. It was probably why I was acting like a lunatic. I wondered if the drugs did that to me, made me more emotional than normal.

“Sleep,” Angela ordered upon returning me to my room. “And I’ll be sure to wake you when your future wife arrives.” She winked.

I couldn’t trust myself to talk. Although I appreciated the nurse’s optimism, it fell on deaf ears. I was already starting to feel the cold seep into my limbs — as if death was coming for me and there was nothing I could do but wait for its all-consuming presence.

“God…” I choked on the word. “I know we haven’t talked much in the past few years. Hell, I told you I hated you when Tye took his own life.” I cursed again and pinched the bridge of my nose. “I don’t even care about myself anymore, just promise me she’ll be okay. If I don’t make it… if you take me, just let Kiersten be okay. She can’t go down that road — I don’t care if you have to punish me, God. If she’s going to suffer, give me her pain instead. If her heart’s going to break, break mine for hers. Please, God… please.” The drugs Angela had given me started to kick in, I fell into a dreamless sleep with that prayer repeating over and over again in my head.

Chapter Forty-Two

Three months ago I wouldn’t have been strong enough to go through this. Now? Now I felt like The Hulk
—
I’d hold his hand through it, we’d walk through the battle together and in the end,
we’d still be holding hands.

Kiersten

“Should I be worried that you haven’t said one word since we’ve gotten in the car?” Gabe asked.

I shook my head. “Nah, just thinking.”

“Right, women and thinking. That never causes any problems for the human race.”

“Hilarious.” I rolled my eyes and grabbed his hand. “Gabe?”

“Yeah.” He clenched my hand.

“Thank you.”

“Just doing my friendship duties. Think of it as a penance for my many sins.” He laughed. I could tell he was trying to make light of what he was doing. I didn’t know why it was so necessary that he constantly put himself down. But there it was.

“Above and beyond friendship.” I squeezed his hand and released it. “Though I am curious. Where are we going? I kind of want to be there when Wes wakes up.”

Gabe grinned. “Don’t you worry your pretty little head. Wes had this all planned out for you guys. Actually, the plan was for me and Lisa to come too. But it’s better this way. Wes did tell me I had to video you though.”

“Video me?” I repeated, dread and fear mixed in my voice. “Video what exactly?”

Gabe just kept grinning.

About thirty minutes later we were pulling up to an old Bridge North of Seattle.

“Time to shine!” Gabe clapped his hands and nodded his head. “This is going to be epic.”

“I have a bad feeling.”

“No punking out. You’re doing this for Wes.” Gabe pointed at me and then stalked over to the bridge where a few people were setting some sort of contraption up.

Oh no. Oh no, no, no.

“Kiersten,” Gabe said. “Meet the crew from Seattle Bungee. They’re going to be the ones making sure all the safety stuff in is order so you don’t go splat.”

“How reassuring,” I mumbled dryly.

“No worries!” A guy who appeared even younger than me laughed and slapped me on the back. “We do this all time. It’s our job. Haven’t lost one yet, though one chick did puke. But hey, as long as you face down, you’ll be fine.”

Palms sweating, I gave him a jerky nod.

Harnesses were passed out, along with helmets and carabineers. Oh, my gosh! Was I really going to do this? Shaking, I let the crew fasten my harness and then they connected me to Gabe. I was trembling so much that my lips were quivering. I hated heights. I was terrified of them almost as much as water. Why the hell had I written this on my stupid list? I closed my eyes, refusing to look over the edge.

“Look at me,” Gabe commanded.

I opened my eyes as he wrapped his arms around me.

“Wes wanted me to tell you something.” Gabes eyes welled with tears. “He said that no matter what obstacle you face…” His voice shook. “No matter how afraid you are — you can still make the choice to fight. You can still make the choice to walk through the fire — he said to do it afraid.”

I nodded, not trusting myself to speak as my throat was so thick with emotion it was hard to breathe.

“He said he’s not giving up — and neither should you.”

“I won’t,” I vowed. “I won’t give up.”

“That’s my girl.” Gabe kissed my cheek. Funny, how one guy had ended up being my soul mate, while the other ended up being my best friend in the whole world.

“One…” Gabe whispered “Two…”

I clutched his body so tight I couldn’t breathe.

“Three.”

We fell over the side of the bridge, weightless. Completely weightless. I wasn’t even sure I was screaming, my mouth was open and then the bungee bounced. It held us, and we fell again.

Then the funniest thing happen.

I started laughing.

Then crying.

Then laughing again.

I’d done it afraid. I’d conquered my fear, and all because Wes believed in me enough to push me — just like I was going to push him. He didn’t want me to go into that dark place — never again. And I wasn’t going to let him either.

“Thank you,” I whispered into Gabe’s ear as we were jerked back up by the crew.

Gabe held my face between his hands. “What you two have — it’s a once in a lifetime — you fight for him, sweetheart. Fight for him with every last breath. No regrets, okay?”

“Okay.”

****

I laughed when Gabe handed over his phone to Wes. So apparently I had screamed — it sounded horrific, and I had to laugh. Poor Gabe, he was probably going to have ringing in his ears for days.

“Classic.” Wes laughed and then started coughing, I went to touch his arm and he grinned. “Medicine makes me feel like shit, no worries, I’m fine.”

“Gabe, can you uh—”

“Lisa just texted anyway. She’s lost in the hospital, if I don’t find her she’s going to hit on one of the doctors and we really don’t want to see the ramifications of that.” With a salute he left the room.

“I did it.” I grinned.

Wes pulled me to his chest. I tucked my legs onto the hospital bed and laid my head against where his heart was beating. Funny, I could hear it, it sounded healthy, strong. I placed my hand there and started tapping.

“What are you doing?”

I lifted my head and gave Wes a weak smile. “Oh, just keeping our time.”

His mouth found mine and then I was straddling him, throwing off my jacket to a heap on the floor. Wes reached around my neck and pulled me closer to him. He was weak from the medication, but everything about him felt so alive still, so warm.

“You’re going to fight this,” I said against his lips.

He sighed and kissed me hard. “I am fighting it.”

“Listen to me.” I pulled back and gripped his face with my hands. “No giving up. I won’t give up on you, so don’t you give up on you. Okay? This is not the end.”

Wes cursed. “I need you to be prepared that if it—”

“Nope,” I interrupted as I kissed his cheek. “I’m not even going there. You know why?”

“Why?”

“Someone brilliant once told me that when you tell yourself you can’t do something, or even entertain the possibility, the body starts giving into defeat. It’s weak like that. The mind tells you that you may not make it, so you start to sink—”

“Hmm, sounds familiar.”

“I started sinking,” I explained, rubbing his cheeks with my thumbs. “I sank because I told myself I was drowning.”

“I’m not drowning.”

“And you aren’t sinking.” I kissed his mouth. “You’re floating, just like I floated. You just have to stay above water a little bit longer than most people, but I promise the end will be worth it.”

“Is there skinny-dipping in the end?” Wes tilted his head.

I threw my head back and laughed. It felt good to joke with him. “Absolutely. Lots and lots of skinny-dipping.”

“My favorite.” His lips were warm against my neck. I arched back as he trailed kisses down the side of my jaw.

I collapsed onto him and kissed him as hard as I could. We fell asleep talking and kissing. Every time I woke up I kissed him again, and every time I fell asleep it was to him kissing my hair, my neck, telling me stories.

Later Lisa and Gabe came into the room, we decided that the best way to not dwell on the future was to occupy ourselves. First we played BS, then we watched a few Christmas movies, and ate popcorn. Lisa fell asleep first, then Gabe, and then me. The last thing I remembered before my eyes fanned closed was that the nurse was going to have a field day when she walked into our room. Gabe was stretched out in a chair, Lisa was lying on the small bed for family, and I was sprawled out on top of Wes.

I fell asleep with a smile on my lips. Friends. Best friends. I had them, and I had Wes. I tapped the rhythm of his heart with my fingers, allowing the cadence to put me into a deep sleep.

Chapter Forty-Three

Most people die without experiencing even half of what I have in the past few months. Incredible. I have an incredible life. I woke up feeling thankful. Even with the cancer. I woke up feeling grateful.

Weston

I laughed when Kiersten moaned in my arms. It was time for my last dose of medication. They wanted to do one last cocktail before I went in for surgery the next day.

“How are you feeling?” Angela asked as she inserted the clear liquid into my IV bag.

“Like a rock star,” I lied. I felt nauseated and dizzy.

Angela laughed. “You look healthy, strong.” With a grin she pulled out her stethoscope and pressed it to my chest. “Good heartbeat.”

It was all the same, but for some reason she gave me more hope. Her eyebrows drew together, and then she removed the stethoscope and placed her hands on my chest. She closed her eyes and I could have sworn she started crying.

Awesome, so now I was hallucinating from the medication.

My tongue felt thick in my mouth. I pointed to my throat, and she immediately removed her hands and dropped something else into my IV. The thickness dissipated.

“Anaphylaxis.” She shrugged. “These drugs tend to do that, but now that you have epinephrine in your system, you’ll be able to take them.”

“Epi—what?”

“Fancy word for anti-allergy meds.” She winked. “And sorry about that. It’s just the craziest thing. Your heart… its rhythm is stronger than it was yesterday, that’s why I pressed my hand against your chest. Strange, really.” She shrugged. “At any rate, congratulations, Weston. This is your last dose of medication.”

“I don’t like the word
last
.”

Angela smiled warmly. “Remember what I said, sometimes the end is the beginning.”

“Thanks, Angela.”

With a final nod, she walked out the door.

I stared at Kiersten’s hair, watched as it wound itself around my fingers. Flecks of gold shone through the strands. I closed my eyes and lifted it to my lips feeling the silkiness against my skin.

“You being creepy and smelling my hair again,” Kiersten said in a groggy voice.

“Not creepy,” I argued.

“Very creepy,” Gabe said from the chair. “I watched the whole thing and I am sufficiently creeped out.”

“It’s romantic, damn it!” Lisa all but shouted.

“So what? You guys were all awake while the nurse gave me my drugs and decided to fake sleep?”

“Nurse?” Gabe looked around the room. “Where?”

“She was just here.” I pointed to my IV the liquid was still seeping into my body, stinging as it made its progress around my veins.

“Weird.” Lisa scratched her head. “I didn’t see anyone, then again—”

“—then again,” Gabe interrupted. “You slept through Avengers twice. We can’t really trust your judgment on being perceptive or knowing when things are exploding in front of your face.”

“Thanks, cousin.” Lisa threw her jacket at his face. “So…” She turned to me and Kiersten. “What are we going to do today?”

“I don’t know, Brain, what do you want to do?”

“Pinky! Today, we’re going to take over the world!” Kiersten shouted from my arms.

Gabe started laughing so hard I thought he was going to fall out of his chair.

I choked on my own laughter while Lisa just stared at all of us like we’d completely lost it.

“You know, from Pinky and The Brain?” Gabe swatted her. “Seriously what type of childhood did you have?”

“One without cartoons.” Lisa shrugged.

“Well, that settles it then.” I rubbed my hands together. “Pinky and The Brain Marathon!”

“How do we even get our hands on those episodes?” Kiersten pushed to a sitting position.

“YouTube.” I shrugged. “And just in case you forgot, my dad is Randy Michels. Nothing a few phone calls can’t take care of.”

Kiersten rolled her eyes. “Fine, but I’m going to go shower before we take over the world.”

“Me too.” Lisa jumped up.

“Me too?” I asked.

Kiersten swatted me. “No nakedness until after your surgery.”

“Ah, and here I thought you wanted to make me happy.” I pretended to be sad while Gabe gave me the thumbs up.

“Once a player…” Lisa said hopelessly into the air.

“See you in a bit, boys.” Kiersten grabbed Lisa’s hand as they walked out of the room, leaving me and Gabe alone.

“Why were we never friends?” I asked after a few minutes of silence.

Gabe laughed. “Well, for starters. I don’t do sports, and you always had an entourage of people following you, which I’m guessing now had more to do with the cancer than anything else.”

“Yup.” I crossed my arms. “One was my shrink, the other was a bodyguard from when I was a kid — both were concerned that if I was left to my own devices I’d forget to take meds or off myself like my brother did.”

“Why an RA?” Gabe asked.

“He died.” I licked my lips. “His damn RA said he’d been suspicious of Tye for a while. He said Tye never participated in any activities and was often locked up in his room. But he didn’t tell anyone — didn’t think it was any of his business. I kept thinking that if maybe I was an RA I could help save some freshman.” I laughed. “Didn’t expect to fall in love with one.”

Gabe joined in the laughter. “Love is never expected.”

“What about you?”

“Are we really having this discussion?” Gabe scratched the back of his head and looked out the window.

“I guess we are.”

“I don’t do love… I don’t do relationships, not anymore.”

“Bad experience?”

“You could say that.” Gabe bit off a curse. Then he huffed out a long breath. “But that doesn’t mean I can’t recognize it when it stares me in the face. She loves you.”

“I hope so.” Feeling insecure, I refused to make eye contact. “Because I love her too. Is that crazy?”

“Not any crazier than you talking to yourself this morning.”

I hadn’t been talking to myself. How was it my fault that they were too sleepy to notice the nurse walk in? The drugs weren’t making me nauseated like they usually did, that had to be a good sign, right?

“I’m gonna go grab some grub. Why don’t you shower so that your girlfriend actually wants to lie next to you.” Gabe’s eyebrows wiggled. “And I’ll get you some coffee.”

“Good man.” I laughed.

Gabe left. I moved to press my call button just as Angela walked back in the room.

“Need help?”

“That I do.” I smiled. “I just need to get showered and I was wondering… would it be possible for me to wear something other than a hospital gown today? I mean, now that the drugs are in my system I’m just hanging out until surgery, right?”

“Of course.” Angela winked. “I think jeans and a white t-shirt are just what the doctor ordered.”

I exhaled in relief. “Thanks.”

“No problem! Now let’s get you ready for that future wife of yours.”

“Never going to live that down, am I?” I teased.

“I like it when people speak things into their lives. You want her to be your wife, it will happen. I know it may sound silly, but I admire your faith. Not just in yourself, but in other people. It’s commendable, and you need to know — faith doesn’t go unnoticed. Just like selflessness — it’s always noticed, always rewarded, and should never be taken for granted.”

I smiled, though I was a bit confused. Seriously, this nurse was deep. I’d spent a lot of time at hospitals and never met anyone so encouraging. She just made me feel good. Like the path I was taking was the right one. She didn’t give me sad eyes, the kind that doctors give you when they know they’re going to see you for the last time. Maybe that’s why I liked her. Her eyes held hope and amusement as if she knew some giant secret that I was about to find out.