R/T/M (24 page)

     Plus your average fucking cop isn’t that fucking bright anyway.

     One time I was out helping my friend DJ at this club and while I was out someone kicks in the front door of my apartment and steals a bunch of my shit.   They left the TV, but they stole my computer and computer monitor and my Playstation 2 and my bass and electric guitar, but they left the acoustic.

     Anyway, I call the fucking cops and a uniform guy comes over and calls it in and writes a few lines into his little notebook and he says that a couple detectives would come by the next day so I sit in a chair
behind the door with a baseball bat and a big fucking knife all night long waiting for the pricks to come back and get the shit they left behind.

     The thieves didn’t come back, but the detectives came by the next day.

     They looked around disinterestedly and dusted the doorknobs with black powder.

     While we were looking around I noticed that there was a handprint on the window that was open when I got home the night before.   I guess they kicked in the door, then handed the shit out the window.   While they were up to their dirty little business I guess one of the motherfuckers got into something kind of orange and sticky and they put their palm against the window so I called out to the detectives, “Hey!   Take a look at this!” and they came over and looked where I was pointing and I could see the fucking handprint clear as day and they just stared like they couldn’t see it and I said, “See?”.   The detectives just sort of stared, then looked at each other and shrugged then walked towards the front door with the frame all splintered in at the deadbolt and said, “We’ll file a report.   Call in a couple of days and see if we come up with anything.”   I’m all fucking incredulous and I say, “What about the handprint?”.   The short one with the fucking moustache rolls his eyes and says, “Call us in a couple days.” and they turn around and leave.

     The moral of this story?

     Cops don’t want to work any more than the rest of us do.   They just want to look like they’re working.   They just want to show up, do their eight hours, hopefully not get shot in the face and go home to their fat wives and dull children.

     Most murders are never solved unless someone important gets wasted.

     And most murderers aren’t as careful as I am.   Not that I’m a model of caution, but I don’t kill anybody when there’s tons of people around or anywhere that I’m liable to get caught red-handed and if the pigs put their mind to it and follow the trail back to my house then so what?   Most of the time when the cops are investigating a series of similar murderers they interview the perpetrator along with everyone else and they don’t figure out who it is.  
Does the killer wise up and cut the shit and move away?   No!   The stupid fucking prick can’t help himself and he goes out and murders a couple more people and the cops come around again and the cops STILL don’t figure out who the fucking murderer is.   Sometimes a victim even fucking escapes and the cops don’t figure it out until they fucking catch the serial killer red-fucking-handed with a meat locker full of fucking torsos and body parts stacked up in his refrigerator or whatever.

     Like I said, your average police officer isn’t too fucking bright and detectives aren’t that much brighter.

     I mean I wouldn’t want to fuck with Henry C. Lee or the F.B.I. but that’s a different story altogether.

     So I decide to cool out and not go raping or killing any random chicks for a while, just kind of laying low until the whole thing blows over.

     I knew this girl from when I used to do sound at a club.

     Since I had dabbled in tech theater in college running sound at some cramped dive wasn’t anything really.   It’s just knowing signal path.   The source goes through a cable to the board.   The board sends the info to the power amps.   The power amps send the signal through the speakers and you have sound.

     After that it’s all finesse.

     I could nail a feedback frequency either with a hi/mid/low e.q. on the board or with an e.q. of any number on the monitor board’s e.q.   I’ve always had a pretty good ear for pitch and tone.

     The club closed down and they remodeled it and turned it into a swanky gay club that ended up closing after a couple months then it re-re-opened as an alt./goth club.   Fucking typical.

     My friend got a job as an historical administrator at an old Baptist church.   I don’t know what her job really entailed, but what really mattered was she had the keys and knew the alarm codes and she wanted to know if I wanted to sneak in one night and fuck on the altar.

     Of course I did, so we made plans.

     We meet up at the church on the night of.   I’ve got a bottle of merlot I’ve been hitting off of on the drive over and she’s got a pint of Southern Comfort in her purse and we’re both good and drunk.

     She unlocks the front door and we stagger in and she goes over to where the alarm pad is beeping and disarms the alarm and it stops beeping.   She flips a few switches and the lights go on down the center aisle, down the sides lighting up the “Stations of the Cross” paintings in the alcoves, and the alter nave.

      The church is cavernous and echoey and kind of cool inside.   We walk up the center aisle like we’re getting married except we’re drunk and disorganized and laughing all the way.

     We get up to the altar and she takes her bag off of her shoulders and she grabs me by the front of the shirt and she kisses me hard and slobbery and she tastes like whiskey and it mixes with the bittersweet wine taste in my mouth and it tastes pretty good.

     She breaks off kissing me and her hands go down to my waist and she undoes my belt and the top button and rips down my fly and flips down the waistband of my underpants and she starts jerking me off and making out with me.    I stop and take a sip of wine and I’m clothed except for my cock
and balls hanging out and she goes over and takes the candelabra off of the altar and I whip the white tablecloth off and drop it in front of the altar.

     I’m in front of the altar and she’s behind it and she climbs up on the altar and kicks her shoes off.   Barefoot she dances like a stripper squeezing her tits through her shirt and rubbing her cunt through her dress.   She’s wearing a blouse and she unbuttons it looking all naughty and coy, button by button, revealing her lacy black bra.   With the shirt hanging open she runs her hands down her stomach and reaches down to her skirt and gathers it up and when it’s bunched up at her waste I look and she shows me that she’s not wearing anything underneath her
billowy white cotton skirt and she shaved her vag for the occasion.   She puts her right hand over her vag and presses on it and slips her middle finger into herself and looks at me and smirks then she turns around and whips over and grabs her ankles and shows me her ass with her quivering quim in the center then whips around and grabs the tails of her shirt and shakes her shoulders back and forth and pulls the shirt off of her shoulders then down her arms and when it’s off she spins it around her head and throws it at me and it lands on my head and shoulders and I whip it off and throw it onto the ground and take a belt of wine and yell, “Yeah!   Fuck yeah!”.

     She reaches back and undoes the clasp of her bra and it goes slack, but she holds the cups over her breasts with her hands and gets down on her knees and leans over and does the one finger, “Come here.” gesture and I go over and she leans down, resting her hands on my shoulder and she kisses me and grabs the wine bottle and take a belt then kisses me again, pouring the wine from her mouth into mine.

     She breaks off and standing on her knees she lets the bra fall down her arms and she’s got big soft firm pale white tits and she grabs my head and puts her tits in my face and shakes back and forth.   It’s wicked fun.

     She leans back and I take another belt of wine and she sits down on her but and shimmies on her but to the edge of the altar and when
her butt is on the edge of the altar she lifts up her legs and puts her feet on my shoulders and leans back on her right elbow and levels her eyes at mine and she gives me a dirty squint and reaches between her legs with her left and rubs her pussy, spreading the lips and making, “Mmm.” sounds.

     She does
this for about a minute then she sits up, leans over, grabs the back of my head and jams my face into her pussy.   It’s warm and slimy, but it doesn’t smell badly, just warm and rich.   I stick my tongue in her and lick between her labia hard and then up over her clit which I flick with my tongue then put my mouth over it and run fast hard circles around it alternating with quick hard sucks.   She’s urging me on shouting, “Yeah!   Fuck!   Do it!   Lick it!   Eat that pussy!”.   Her fist tightens up even harder in the hair on the back of my head then slackens and I lean back up and my mouth is all shiny and slick with pussy juice.

     She gets her heels on the altar and
shimmies back and I toss a knee up onto the altar and crawl up on top.   I stand up and pull my shirt over my head and toss it over the side and in the second it takes me, she’s up on her knees in front of me and she yanks my pants down around my ankles and puts her mouth on me and cups my ass with her hands to get me in deep enough that she gags and while she’s gagging she’s looking up at me and I’m looking down into her eyes.   She pulls it out so that she’s not gag deep and bobs her head back and forth blowing me liberally.   I tilt the wine bottle back and drink back the remainder except for the dregs.   She stops blowing me for a moment, jerking me off with her left hand and looking up at me and I raise the bottle over her and she closes her eyes as I pour the dregs down over her face and chest.   The wine runs in red rivulets down her face and down trailing over her tits and it looks so hot I just have to fuck her.

     I step back and she leans back propped up on her hands behind her.

     I get on my knees in front of her and I walk on my knees so I’m between her legs and I grab her under the knees and pull her towards me so she’s laying flat on the altar.   I put my dick against her pussy lips and I slide right in and she says, “Oh, yeah!   Fuck!” all sexy like.   I’m kneeling and she’s got her legs in the air on either side of me.   I take an ankle in each hand and stretch her legs out and lick up her left calf from the hamstring to the ankle.

     We fuck for a good long time like that and I’m kind of drunk and kind of numb so it takes me a good long while.   While we’re fucking we’re urging each other on, saying shit like, “Oh God!” and “Jesus Christ!” and it’s hilarious and blasphemous.  
I shout, “I think I’m gonna cum!” and she yells, “Do it!   Fucking do it!   Do it all over me!” and I pull out and jerk myself off and she watches my jizz spurt all over her torso then sits up and puts the head of my dick in her mouth and hums a little while sucking out the last few trickles.

     She lays on her back and I lay on my side and we’re both breathing heavy and she says, “Whew!” and I reach over into my pants pocket and fish out my pack of cigarettes and fish one out and put it in my mouth and cup the tip and flick the lighter in my hand
, but before I can light it she sees me and shouts, “Hey!   You can’t smoke in here!”, and we both pause and realize how fucking absurd what she just said was and laugh our asses off but I till put my cigarette back into the pack and we start fishing around for our clothes.

     We fix up the altar as best we can and grab our empties and go back the way we came and she turns off the lights and arms the alarm and locks the front door and outside she kisses me and says, “See you around.” and I laugh and say, “You too.” and we walk to our cars
and get in them and drive away, drunk and spent.

     Maybe I should have fucked her in the ass while we were up there.   Maybe it’
s a missed opportunity.   But even I’m not that sacrilegious.

     The next one was a real find.

     She was eighteen.

     Usually I don’t go for girls that young, but somehow she got onto my friends list and I probably sent her an introductory message during one of my recruitment campaigns and she bit so I followed up.

     We talked on the phone, but she didn’t have her own phone.   She was staying with a friend because of some fucked up complications with her parents.   I can’t remember what exactly, but who fucking cares.

     We arrange to meet at this strip mall outside of the state university and I drive down to pick her up.

     I get there and park in the parking lot and she doesn’t have a cell phone so I can’t call her to tell her I’m there, but I’m a few minutes early for the time we agreed to meet.

     There’s this couple that keeps walking by my car and peering in.   Some nondescript guy with a girl with dark hair and glasses.   I know she’s not the one.   The one I’m picking up is a redhead.

     A girl in a white hoodie and a long white skirt comes from around the building and walks over.

     When she gets close enough I can tell it’s her so I get out of the car.

     We greet and the couple comes over.   Turns out they’re friends of the girl and they were probably checking me out to make sure I didn’t roll with a crew planning on running a train on her ass.

     We make a little small talk and then the girl and I get into the car and head back to my place.