Rooted (The Pagano Family Book 3) (27 page)

When he realized that he had read the same two paragraphs several times, he set his book down and watched her for awhile. She was everything he wanted, everything he needed. Sitting here, in this house, wrapped up with this woman before the fire, he had a complete and perfect life. He’d barely been tempted by the liquor in the sideboard cabinet. A couple of rough moments, but that was all. He’d had no need to escape from or drown away anything. He’d wanted to be perfectly lucid and present in every moment with her.

But they had yet to talk, yet to make any decisions. He had wanted her to have this week and feel the comfort and peace that the Wilde Wood offered, the cozy simplicity of his little town. She was leaving on Sunday, unless he could persuade her just to stay from now until eternity. Jordan would be home tomorrow, probably early. Tonight was the night they needed to talk.

“Carm. I want to marry you. I want to marry you and live here with you. I want to love you in these woods until I die. That’s what I want.”

Her first—and for disconcerting seconds, her only—reaction was a tightening of her hand around her tablet. Then, finally, she set it on her lap and turned her head to him. “Jesus, Theo. Don’t.”

Despite their great week, part of him had been prepared for her fear. But it still hurt deeply. He tried to be calm. “We need to make this decision.”

“I told you I needed time. You said you’d give me time.”

Calm ebbed away. Nearly another week had passed, and they still hadn’t even talked about it. “Time—how much time? You are having a child, Carmen! My child! She’s not going to wait to come until you’re ready to face that fact. And she’ll be here before you know it. The changes we have to make will take time to bring to fruition. You can’t hide under the covers and pretend it’s not happening.”

He’d said too much, too fast, in the wrong way; he knew it as soon as the words stopped coming. Her expression changed subtly but completely. She turned to stone.

“I don’t have to make any decision. I just have to buy a crib.”

“Carmen, don’t be like that.”

“Like what? Don’t let you bully me into making the decision that suits you best? Why do
I
have to move and upend my life? Why don’t you move to Rhode Island? And who the fuck said anything about marriage? EVER? When did that come up?”

That surprised him. He’d assumed, as Catholic as she was, that she would want their daughter to be born in wedlock. “I guess it’s coming up now. I want to marry you. You don’t want Teresa’s parents to be married?”

She folded the cover over her tablet, set it aside, and stood. “I expected you to understand.” Pacing before the fireplace, she continued, “I don’t know what I want. I’ve been telling you that. It’s why I need time. If you’re in such a rush, then move to me.”

“I can’t. My job is here. I have tenure.” And five more years before he could retire with a good pension. He couldn’t go.

“
My
job is
there
.”

“You’re self-employed, Carmen.”

That was the wrong thing to say, too; she flinched at his words. He hadn’t meant to minimize her work, but emotion was making him dense. When she answered she nearly spat the words at him. “I have employees who count on me! Jesus! Are you that fucking stupid or are you just being willfully obtuse?” She wheeled on him, her hands on her hips. “That’s what it is, isn’t it? You don’t want to see my side, because you’ve already made up your mind.”

She obviously had employees she trusted enough to run her business in her absence; she’d gone to Europe for three months. He lived only about two hundred miles or so from Quiet Cove. Maybe she could keep the business going from that distance. They could figure something out if she would calm down and talk to him. “Carmen, sit down. Please. We need to work this out.”

“No. I don’t think we have that much to work out, after all. The question is simple. Will you even consider moving to Quiet Cove?”

He had his answer at the ready, but he paused and looked into her eyes, trying to get her to see. “No. I can’t. I’m a full professor, Carmen. I can retire in five years with my full pension. Even if I could find another academic job near Quiet Cove, it would turn my clock backwards. I can’t leave my job. If we’re going to be together, it has to be here.”

If he’d thought she’d turned to stone earlier, she was ice now. Her eyes were bright and emotionless, and his heart slowed with the chill. She stood up very tall and squared her shoulders, and he knew what would happen next.

He stood, wanting to prevent her speaking. “Carmen…”

“Shut up. I’ve made my decision. That’s what you wanted, right? For me to make a choice? I’ll raise
my
daughter in
my
home, with
my
family. We’ll work out some kind of visitation. When you can tear yourself away from your
job
to come to the Cove to see her.” She paused before she delivered the
coup de grâce
. “I’ll have my lawyer contact you.”

She turned with that and headed toward the bedroom. Theo knew she meant to pack and leave right now.

“Carmen, no!” He grabbed her arm and turned her, but in his desperation not to lose her, he pulled too hard. She tripped over the runner of Maggie’s rocking chair and fell. He dropped to his knees at her side. “Oh, shit. Oh, shit. I’m sorry. Carmen, I love you. I’m sorry. Are you okay?”

She shoved him away. “Get off me. Just get off me.” Using the chair that had tripped her, she got to her feet and then proceeded to the bedroom. Theo dropped to the sofa and sat with his head in his hands, propped on his knees.

He had no clue how long she took to pack; it felt like mere seconds. When she came back, she stood in front of him with her backpack and suitcase. “I’m going.”

He stood again, but he resisted the need to put his hands on her, to hold her with him physically. “Please don’t do this. I love you. We love each other. I know we can work it out.”

“By work it out you mean convince me to turn everything I know upside down so you can keep your life the way you like it.”

“No, that’s not what I mean. But Carmen, you don’t
like
your life. You’ve told me as much, more than once. Why wouldn’t you be willing to turn it upside down for something better?”

She scoffed and shook her head. “You don’t understand at all, do you?”

“I guess I don’t. Help me understand.”

“I don’t think so. I’ll call you when she’s born.”

Those words, that thought, hurt Theo more than he could contend with. So he closed his eyes, took a breath, and tried to keep her another way. “You can’t go tonight. It’s dark and it’s snowing.”

“I’ve been driving in New England winters for more than twenty years. I’ll be fine.”

“Carmen, don’t do this. It’s a mistake. We belong together, with our child.
We’re
a family now.”

“No. We’re not.” With that, she left.

Theo stood in his empty living room for a long time, long past the moment when he could no longer hear her truck crunching through the snow toward the road. And then he went to the sideboard and pulled out a bottle of bourbon. There were two. He thought that would be enough.

~oOo~

The next morning, still reeling with hangover, he left a note for Jordan saying he’d be back in the afternoon. Once he got onto pavement, the roads were already clear. He went into Colson and had a greasy breakfast at the Pink Plate Diner. And then he drove to Lewiston and found an AA meeting.

Carmen had not had the last word. He was going to find a way to get his family together. But he had to be sober to manage it, and, alone, he didn’t think he could be sober. Not alone. Alone was too empty.

~ 19 ~

The little silver bell over the door tinkled lightly as Carmen entered Sea Weaver, her old friend Andi’s knitting and weaving shop. Sabina worked there, too, and they’d invited her for lunch at the shop. She hadn’t seen Andi other than in passing since before she’d left for Europe, and she’d been stewing in her own head since she’d fled Maine, so when her friend called and said she’d close up the shop for an hour, Carmen had agreed. She was regretting it now; she wasn’t in the mood for friendship.

As usual, Andi was at her loom in the back. She seemed to be alone. She looked up and smiled as Carmen closed the front door. “Carmie! Look how beautiful you are! Turn the sign over, will you?”

Carmen turned the sign on the door from “Open” to “Closed”—not that it mattered much; shopping traffic was pretty light on an off-season weekday. The weekends weren’t bad during the holidays, but all the merchants in Quiet Cove made their years between May and September, and Carmen knew that included Andi.

As Andi came around her loom, Carmen went to the desk and laid her messenger bag on it. “Where’s Sabina? I thought she was eating with us.”

“She went to get the food—soup and bread from the Cove Café.” Andi hugged her and then kissed both her cheeks. Carmen, who wasn’t generally thrilled with hugs and kisses, bore Andi’s affection with what she hoped was good grace. “Now that I’m up close, you look a little tired. Are you doing okay?”

She missed Theo. She hated Theo. She loved Theo. She wasn’t sleeping. She was sad and lonely and pissed the fuck off. In general, she hated every fucking thing. “I’m fine. The baby just wants me to sleep all day.”

Andi nodded sagely. “I have something for you. Hold on.” She walked around and behind the sales desk and opened a drawer. Then she pulled out a little pink, knitted pouch. “Here. Consider it a Christmas gift.”

“We don’t exchange gifts, Andi.” Carmen looked at the pouch with its purple satin drawstring, but she didn’t take it.

“We’re not exchanging. I’m giving. Don’t be rude, Scrooge.” Andi hefted the bag lightly in her hand. “C’mon.”

With a sigh, Carmen took the pouch and opened it. Into her hand she poured a silver necklace—a simple chain with four small, caged stones linked in a row at the front. “Oh, it’s pretty.” Knowing that stone and crystals were more than merely pretty to Andi, Carmen looked up at her friend. “So what do they supposedly do?”

Andi leaned on the counter and lifted the necklace out of Carmen’s hand. She fingered the first stone in the row, a simple pink crystal. “It’s a pregnancy chain, to help bring you to a place to be strong to nurture and deliver your child. This is rose quartz—just a good, strong, general good feeling and health stone. Its aura is like a hug.” She moved to the second stone, mottled dark red and green, like Christmas. “This is unakite. It’s a strong grounding stone, to bring you peace and balance and to cleanse negative energy. It strengthens courage and confidence, and encourages union and strong bonds.” The third stone was opaque, nearly white. “This is moonstone. Every woman should keep moonstone close. It’s the stone of the Divine Feminine. Nothing is more divinely feminine than pregnancy and childbirth.” She picked up the fourth stone, banded brown and dark red. “And this last is—”

“—jasper,” Carmen finished. “It’s a healing stone.”

Andi grinned proudly. “Yes! It’s known as the nurturing stone. It brings comfort and eases stress during trying times. It promotes physical and emotional healing after trauma, and it helps us prepare to face challenges.”

Without warning, Carmen broke into tears.

“Oh, honey!” Andi rushed around the desk and pulled Carmen into her arms. This time, Carmen didn’t need to simply tolerate it. Her fucking hormones were all over the place, and she was so damned miserable she could barely stand upright, so she sort of fell into Andi’s embrace. Her friend was taller even than she was—a full six feet—and substantial. Carmen settled against her prodigious bosom and laid her head on her soft shoulder. Andi always smelled of sandalwood and patchouli, and as Carmen sobbed and clung to her friend, she began to feel calm leach into her body with every inhale. Maybe there was something to that aromatherapy nonsense after all.

The door opened and the bell tinkled while Carmen and Andi were embracing. Carmen stepped quickly back, swiping at her eyes, feeling exposed and angry at herself for dissolving into a weepy puddle like that. Andi patted her arm and went to help Sabina with the lunch she’d brought back.

Sabina gave Carmen a perceptive once-over, but she didn’t pry. She simply smiled and brought the tray of soups over to the desk. “We have pumpkin soup, minestrone, and chowder. A loaf of pumpernickel and a plain French loaf.” She nodded to the pink box Andi had taken from her. “And Edith gave us a chocolate silk pie, too.”

“Wow,” Carmen said around her lingering sniffles. “That sounds delicious.” She held out her hand to Andi, who knew what she meant right away. She smiled and, instead of handing her the necklace, stepped behind her. Carmen lifted her hair, and Andi fastened the chain at the nape of her neck.

Carmen didn’t believe that stones had mystical qualities. But she believed in the power of love and friendship, and she felt better with the weight of the pretty stones on her collarbones.

Andi patted Carmen’s shoulder. “C’mon. Let’s go back and eat.”

They sat at the little round table in the back room and chatted while they ate, three women of an age, all with widely different backgrounds and personalities, but friends nonetheless. What they shared was respect and an openness of mind. Of the three, Carmen knew that she was the least giving of herself, the least open, the least…just, in general, the least. But they loved her anyway.

Their conversation, led by the gregarious Andi, was mainly about babies—Sabina’s preparation for the little boy they were adopting, who could come any time in the next couple of weeks, and Carmen’s impending motherhood, too, for which she had not prepared at all. She wasn’t in denial about the coming of her daughter, but she was, as yet, completely incapable of planning for the changes Teresa would bring her. Carmen needed to know what was right. No matter what it was, even if it hurt, she could do the right thing, as long as she could see it. But she didn’t know which choices were the right ones for Teresa, and not knowing had paralyzed her.

She was afraid, and she was hiding. She hated Theo for seeing that and throwing it in her face.

And she hated him for giving her an ultimatum. But at least ultimatums made for easy choices.

While they were nibbling at their chocolate silk pie, and discussing Trey’s enthusiasm for finally having other children in the family, Andi excused herself and went back to the storage room. Carmen watched her go, then turned to Sabina.

“What’s that about?”

Sabina shrugged and swallowed her dainty bite of meringue. “I don’t know. I will guess that she has a gift for you. She’s been excited about this lunch since she made the plan.”

Carmen put her hand over the stones at her throat. “She already gave me something.”

“It’s lovely. She feels strongly about her stones, yes? She asked me many questions when she was selecting them.”

“About me? Like what?” Carmen felt suddenly a little paranoid. She got enough of people talking about her behind her back in her family. She didn’t need it happening beyond that.

Sabina smiled and patted her hand. “Not prying questions, I think. I wouldn’t answer questions that pried.” She hesitated, and Carmen could see a question coming. “But I would like to ask, for myself—or maybe to say would be better—I would like to say that I’m here, to talk or to be with you, if you need that.”

Carmen’s eyes pricked again. Shit. She blinked and cleared away the urge to cry
again
. Sabina was the only one in her family who hadn’t spent the past week or so, since she’d gotten home from Maine, looking at her like she was some disappointing child. Carlo had even had the gall to say it was ‘typical’ of her to blow up a relationship. Asshole.

Well, Manny was okay with her, too. But Manny never got involved in family drama. She didn’t care how other people lived their lives, and she didn’t make judgments as long as she wasn’t directly affected. It was one of the ways her oddities made her great, in Carmen’s eyes. It easily balanced out her tendency to say what was on her mind, unfiltered by politeness or compassion.

“Thank you, Sabina. But I’m okay.”

Sabina didn’t seem convinced, but she nodded and didn’t push.

Andi came out of the storage room then with a flourish. “Ta-da!” She held two large, hand-woven Moses baskets, one in each hand. One was filled with pink, lavender, and yellow, and the other with blue, sage green, and pale orange. Each basket had a big, matching bow around the handles. “Forgive me for cleaving to gender stereotypes, but I just
love
little girls in pink and purple! Like little sherbets!” She brought the baskets to the table. Sabina pushed their plates of pie away, and Andi handed the pink basket to Carmen and the blue to Sabina. “I know you didn’t want a shower, Sabina, but I thought a little something like this would be okay.”

They went through their baskets. Blankets, booties, caps, onesies, a baby sling, stuffed bears—all of it hand-knitted, -crocheted, or -woven, and all of it gorgeous.

“My God, Andi,” Carmen said as she repacked her baby bonanza. “This is amazing.” She felt the knot in her throat, which lately never seemed to leave, tighten again, but she managed to hold back her tears this time. “Thank you.”

“Yes, Andi. So beautiful.” Sabina looked as stunned as Carmen felt. She had only recently begun to prepare for her baby’s arrival, and only because Carlo had started without her. Sabina still feared that the adoption would fall apart. But Carmen watched her rub over her cheek a soft blanket knitted from green and blue angora, her eyes closed, and could feel in her own heart the love Sabina already bore that little boy.

That thought made her tear up again. She swiped at her eyes. “Jesus, I hate hormones.” She took a breath and smiled at her friend. “Please tell me you didn’t also weave the baskets. Because that would just be annoyingly perfect.”

Andi laughed, a gentle, happy sound. “Oh, no. A friend made those. I know lots of artsy people.” With her hand on her hip, she sent Carmen a stern look. “And you are not getting out of having a baby shower, missy. This is just a preview. After the holidays, you are getting a bash. I can’t have you
both
cheat me out of organizing goofy games.”

Carmen shook her head. There was no way a baby shower was going to happen, but she’d let her friend have the fantasy for a while.

~oOo~

That night, Carlo and Sabina got a call. The mother of their baby boy was in labor, and they left in the middle of the night. The next morning, Christmas Eve, the rest of the family congregated at the house and waited to hear. Everyone but Rosa, again disconnected from a major family event, this time because she had gone to Maine to spend Christmas with Eli and his family—a last minute change from their original intention to spend it in Quiet Cove. Carmen tried not to think too hard about that.

Benjamin Charles Pagano was born before noon on Christmas Eve. Carlo and Sabina were home with him after dinner that evening. By then, he was already known by his many relatives as ‘Little Ben.’

Sabina came into the house carrying a tiny, blue bundle. She wended through the hallway crowded with uncles and grandparents jockeying for their first look and went to Trey first. She sat on the sofa with him, allowing him to hold his new baby brother. Carmen followed, feeling a stronger pull than she had expected. Like the baby inside her was already bonding to her new little cousin.

The whole family ultimately crowded into the living room to watch this Christmas Eve nativity scene. Trey looked down at Little Ben’s face, and wide brown eyes stared back. The baby was beautiful. He wore one of the beanies Andi had knitted. Trey patted it and asked, “Pop-Pop says gentlemen don’t wear hats inside.”

Sabina chuckled and pulled Little Ben’s beanie off, showing a light swirl of black hair. “Well, babies’ heads get cold faster than gentlemen’s heads, so that rule isn’t for them. But I think it’s warm enough here.”