RoomHate (28 page)

He slowly approached and shut off the vacuum, his hand lingering over mine which was still gripping the handle.

“I’ve been waiting to have coffee with you,” he said. “I
need
to have breakfast with you and Bea one last time before I leave. It’s my favorite thing in the world.”

I wiped my eyes. “Okay.”

“It’s fucking okay to be sad. Stop trying to hide it from me. I won’t hide it, either.” His voice cracked a little. “I’m so fucking sad right now, Amelia. The last thing I want to do right now is leave you guys. But time is running out. Don’t waste it hiding from me.”

He was right.

Sniffling, I nodded. “Let’s go have coffee.”

Justin lifted Bea into his arms as he closed his eyes tightly and breathed in her scent as if he wanted to burn it into memory. When he pulled back, he lifted her up into the air as she looked down at him. “Are you my Bumblebee?”

She smiled at him, and if that didn’t feel like a knife to the heart, I didn’t know what did. My emotions were all over the place again. A part of me was still selfishly angry at him.

How could you leave us?

Why haven’t you told me you love me?

Why haven’t you told Bea you love her?

You don’t love us.

A bigger part was angry at myself for even having those kinds of thoughts again. I was coming to realize that it wasn’t so much the fact that he was leaving that bothered me as it was the fact that he was leaving me so unsure about where things really stood with us.

He treated me as if he loved me, but even when we were acting like a family, he’d never defined our relationship, never even labeled me his girlfriend.

As Justin prepared the mugs of coffee like he always did, I followed every move he made and couldn’t help but wonder what the next time I’d watch him make coffee would be like.

When he handed me my cup, I put on the best smile I could. I didn’t want him to leave thinking of my sad face. Just as I was trying like hell to put on a happy facade, his own expression turned sullen.

“What is it, Justin?”

“I just feel helpless. If you need anything, I told Tom you might call him from time to time. I left his number on the fridge. He said anytime day or night, don’t hesitate. Call him instead of that tool next door, please. I also installed a new alarm system.” He waved a hand, leading me to the door. “Come on, I’ll show you how to use it.”

Everything he was saying was muffled as my eyes followed his fingers, hands, and lips as he explained how to maneuver the alarm control pad. His voice was fading into the background, losing the battle with my accumulating panic.

Justin took notice and stopped talking. “You know what? I’ll email you the instructions.” He stared at me for a bit before pulling me into an embrace. He held me for what seemed like several minutes, slowly rubbing my back. There wasn’t anything we could do to slow down time.

I watched from the window as Justin loaded his luggage into the back of the Range Rover.

When he came back inside, we took a quick but quiet walk on the beach with Bea. At one point, I stayed behind as Justin took Bea closer to the shore. He whispered something in her ear. That made me curious, but I never asked him what he’d said to her.

Once we returned to the house, it was time for Justin to leave. The morning had flown by way too fast; it almost seemed unfair.

Trying to suppress my tears, I said, “I can’t believe this moment is finally here.”

Miraculously, I was able to keep the crying at bay because, mostly, I was in shock. The best thing I could do for him right now was to reassure him that I would support him while he experienced this new chapter, let him know that I would be there for him in the very way we started—as a friend.

I returned his own sentiments from earlier. “The same goes for you, Justin. If you need me, or you get lonely, or maybe you’re feeling doubtful, you call me day or night. I’ll be here.”

Justin was still holding Bea as he placed his forehead on mine and simply said, “Thank you.” We stayed like that for a while with Bea sandwiched in the middle of us.

Still wanting to avoid breaking out in tears, I forced myself away. “You’d better go. You’ll miss your flight.”

He kissed Bea’s head gently then said, “I’ll call you when I land in Minneapolis.”

Bea and I stood in the doorway, watching as he walked away. He got in the car and started it but didn’t move. He looked over at us as we continued to wait. Bea was reaching out her hand to him and babbling; she obviously had no clue what was going on.

Why wasn’t he moving?

He suddenly got out of the car, slamming the door. My heartbeat accelerated with each step he took toward me. Before I could ask him whether he’d forgotten something, his hand wrapped around the back of my head, pulling me into him. He opened his mouth wide over mine, plunging his tongue inside and twirling it around at an almost desperate pace as he groaned into my mouth. He tasted like coffee and a flavor all his own. This was not the time to be getting aroused, but I couldn’t help my body’s reaction.

When he forced himself back, his eyes were hazy, filled with just as much confusion as passion. I had to once again remind myself of the old adage of setting someone free, that if they come back they’re yours; if they don’t, they never were.

Please come back to me.

He said nothing else as he walked back to the car, started it and this time…drove off.

Blind faith.

That was the only thing helping me get through that first month with Justin away. Somehow, I just had to convince myself to trust his actions and judgement, even though I couldn’t be there to see what was actually happening.

He called us every night. Sometimes, it would be during what he referred to as his relaxation time around 8PM, right before their 9PM performances. Other times, it would be during his lunch or dinner break. From what he’d told me, his daily itinerary was jam-packed with sound checks and rehearsals at each new venue. The only down time was after the show, and by then, he was roped into after parties or just plain exhausted. If the band stayed more than one night in the same city, they would all check into a hotel. If they had to be in another locale the next day, they would drive through the night and sleep on the bus.

There were two buses, one for Calvin and the main band and one for Justin and the rest of the crew. According to Justin, each bus slept about twelve people. I never asked him which bus Olivia slept in, because I was afraid of the answer.

Blind faith.

Okay, well even though I chose to have faith in him, I still discovered a little window into their world that would satisfy my episodes of paranoia. It came in the form of Olivia’s Instagram page.

Back when Jade lived at the beach house and used to complain about Olivia’s commenting on all of Justin’s posts, I searched his page to check out Olivia’s profile. I’d stalked her online occasionally even before Justin left. Now, each day, she would post pictures from the tour. Many were just scenic shots, like the sunrise taken from the bus as they entered a new city or whatever the band and crew happened to be eating. Other shots were of Calvin and his band backstage.

One particular night when Bea was sleeping, I opened up Instagram. Olivia posted a picture of Justin performing. It was just a standard shot of him leaning into the microphone with the spotlight shining down onto his beautiful face, which was framed by that five-o’clock shadow. It made me long to be there, to see him perform on the big stage. When I looked lower, I noticed the hashtags.

#LadyKiller

#JustinBanks

#UsedToTapThat

#ExesOfInstagram

Despite the fact that it bothered me, I refused to bring it up to him, refused to play the role of jealous girlfriend, especially when he hadn’t labeled me his girlfriend at all.

A knock at the door startled me. I shut my laptop.

Who would be coming by this late?

Thankfully, in addition to the alarm system, Justin had drilled a peephole into my door before he left.

A woman with long brown hair like mine was standing there shivering. She looked innocent enough, so I opened the door.

“Can I help you?”

“Hi.” She grinned. “Amelia, right?”

“Yes.”

“I wanted to introduce myself. My name is Susan. I live in the blue house next door.”

“Oh. Did Roger move?”

“No. I’m actually his wife.”

Wife?

“Oh. I thought he was—”

“Divorced?” She smiled.

“Yeah.”

“He is…technically. We reconciled when he came to Irvine to visit our daughter recently. It was supposed to be a one week visit, but it turned into three weeks. Alyssa and I ended up coming back here with him.”

Really surprised by this news, I said, “Wow. I had no idea. That is fantastic.” I waved my hand. “My gosh, where are my manners? Come in. Come in.”

“Thank you,” she said, wiping her feet and entering the house. “Our daughter is sleeping now, but I’d love for you to meet her as well. She just turned eight.”

“My daughter, Bea, is also sleeping. She’s almost nine months.”

“Roger mentioned you had a baby.”

“I’ve heard so much about Alyssa as well.”

“Roger also mentioned that you and he were friendly.”

“We’re just friends, in case you were wondering.”

She hesitated. “It’s okay if it was more than that. We weren’t together at the time.”

“No. It wouldn’t be okay. At least for me, it wouldn’t. I would want to know. I understand what it’s like to wonder about stuff like that when you care about someone.”

A look of relief washed over her face. “Well, thank you for clarifying. I’d be lying if I said that I hadn’t wondered.”

“I’m sort of in love with my roommate, actually. He’s currently on tour. A musician. I totally understand jealousy.”

She pulled up a chair and sat down. “Oh man. You want to talk about it?”

“Do you drink tea?”

“I do. I’d love some.”

Susan and I became fast friends that night. I opened up to her about my history with Justin, and she offered to help me out with Bea if I ever needed a babysitter. She said Alyssa would get a kick out of watching Bea with her. It made me thankful that nothing ever did happen between Roger and me, because that would have made things awkward.

I had to admit, when she first showed, finding out that Roger was back with his wife made me feel even more alone. But that selfish thought was quickly replaced by the happiness brought on by a newfound female friendship, something my life had been seriously lacking.

***

Susan and I hung out regularly. She encouraged me to try new things and to get out more. I joined a Mommy and Me class with Bea and started utilizing the daycare at the gym to be able to work out a few times a week. I was doing the best I could in developing a new routine with Justin gone.

The daylight hours were becoming more bearable; nighttime was the tough part. With Bea asleep and Justin busiest in the evenings, I always felt the most alone when darkness fell.

Late one night, around midnight, a text came in.

Justin: We’re in Boise. One of the crew members is from here and brought his baby into the bus before the show tonight. It made me miss Bea even more.

Amelia: We miss you too.

Justin: The tour is stopping in Worcester Massachusetts in a couple of weeks. What are the chances you could come see me?

That was only a little over an hour away from me. It would be the closest and only tour stop anywhere near Newport for the remainder of his time away.

Amelia: I don’t think the noise and environment would be good for Bea. But maybe I can find a sitter.

It was likely that Susan could watch Bea for me, but I specifically hadn’t told Justin about her for selfish reasons. I quite liked his jealousy toward Roger. It was the only upper hand I had at the moment. So, I decided to keep the information of their reconciliation to myself for a while.

Justin: I agree. It would be too loud and crazy for her.

Amelia: I’ll work on it.

Justin: It’s only one night unfortunately. The bus leaves for Philly sometime after the show.

Amelia: Fingers crossed I can make it.

Justin: It’s not just Bea I miss.

My heart fluttered.

Amelia: I miss you too.

Justin: Sweet dreams.

Amelia: xo

***

Since it was unclear whether I would be able to secure a babysitter in order to see Justin in Massachusetts, he’d sent me a laminated backstage pass that would allow me exclusive access in the event something came through at the last minute. He said he wasn’t sure he’d be available to greet me if and when I arrived. Having the card would be a safer bet in case he was in the middle of a sound check or even in the middle of performing depending on how late I got there.