ROMAN (Lane Brothers Book 5) (87 page)

I’m sheepish and feel a little foolish the next morning when I get down to breakfast and have to spend the next few minutes trying to choke down toast while Devon not only glares daggers at me but out and out refuses to speak to me.

Okay, so maybe slapping him twice before the doctor had come in to tell us that I wasn’t in labour but experiencing Braxton Hicks gives him a bit of a reason to be pissed, but it’s not my fault! That shit had hurt.

The doctor had laughed his ass off when I’d started yelling that this is bullshit and told me kindly that if that hurt he didn’t want to see me when the real thing happened.

“I said I’m sorry.”

His eyes narrow on me before returning to his paper and the mountain of eggs Day had made him. Whydon’t I get eggs? I may or may not have side winded Day in the car and the kid’s giving me the cold shoulder.

Just about the only person not angry at me right now is Ry and then only because he’s over the top amused by my antics and mostly because he wasn’t there to get the short end of my temper.

“Are you two gonna be mad at me forever? I said I’m sorry. It just freaked me out and I started panicking when-”

I don’t get a chance to finish when Devon rises and walks out without a word, the front door slamming with a bang, letting me know exactly how he feels about my apology.

When my eyes start watering-pepper I tell you!-Day finally takes pity on me and flops down beside me, planting a kiss in my hair and giving me a quick squeeze.

“You buggered up royally hun and I’m not afraid to tell ya so. He’s not angry because of the false labour or even that you clocked him a good few times, he’s pissed that you keep shoving him away every time he gets close.” He says gently, making my eyes tear anew.

The pain in my chest is magnified by the truth of those words and I swallow convulsively, rubbing at the ache there. After my little oops we’d come home and he’d carried me up to the guest room and lowered me to the bed before leaving and coming back in with my clothes.

After the fourth trip and his stony silence I’d stopped trying to talk to him and flopped down admitting defeat.

He no longer wants me and after all my shit who the hell can blame him. I’m bereft and so…shamed by my actions I can’t look in the mirror. This morning I’d woken to the sounds of breakfast being made and resolved to go down and make things right.

The manila envelope sitting on my bedside table had severely undermined my confidence though because inside was what I can only assume is legal documents.

I’d shoved them under the mattress unread after the first word, ‘parental’, had caught my eye. I don’t have the courage to read it, not yet because I know I’ve seriously messed up and if I don’t find a way to fix this I’m facing the rest of my life alone as a single mother.

“I said I was sorry Day, what more can I do when he won’t even look at me or stay in the same room for longer than a few minutes?”

Day sits back with a huff and folds his arms over his chest, his bright blue eyes going hard and speculative as he keeps my gaze pinned.

“I dunno hun, why don’t ya tell me, because from the looks of those suitcases I saw standing beside your bed it seems you’re tucking bloody tail and running again.” He growls, his accusations hitting their mark.

“He doesn’t want-”

“He bloody loves you! What more do you want? He almost went mental when you pulled a runner on him and then finally when he could breathe easy again you dropped him at the first chance and ran off to Vegas-”

“I didn’t get married.”

“No, but you would have if that Dillon git hadn’t turned you down.” He yells and for the first time I see the dark side of laid back easy going David Baxter. “I love you, we all do but you have to know that if you cannot be the woman Dev needs its best that you move on and let him move on too. He was gutted after mum and dad passed but he picked up and went on so that he could care for us.

“Then he met GiGi and convinced himself that everything would be fine. She threw his offer of marriage back in his face and left him. You want to know what he said after that? He said that he would never do that to himself again, he would never trust another woman enough to be made to feel unworthy.”

My heart clenches at that because no matter how much I want to justify myself I know that what I did was on the same level. He’d let his guard down and spent months courting me because he wanted what he’s sworn never to want, someone who loved him, and I’d gone and thrown it back in his face.

I’d been angry and hurt and if I wasn’t so brain-dead from hormones I would have known that Devon would never do that. He’s honest to a fault. If he hadn’t wanted me he would have let me down easy and severed ties before finding another woman.

Jesus, I am a total idiot.

“Day-”

“Nah, listen I love you and I will always be here for you but make no mistake, Dev is and always will be my choice. That’s what you should feel and if you can’t maybe it’s best that you move on from us.” He says heavily, his mouth a thin slash of anger.

And I understand, as much as it hurts, that he’s right. Devon should come first with those he’s committed to. He should come first with me; he should have come first with me.

How am I gonna fix this?

“I love him. I want to fix this so bad Day, I just don’t know how. I’m, I’m so scared that he’s done and won’t…”

I can’t finish because I feel so wretched it’s impossible to speak around the heartache choking me.

At my words I see a smile bloom across his face and he nods his head subtly. When a pair of arms wrap around me I almost fold with relief, but it’s not Dev, its Ryan.

“Good, then let’s talk about what a brilliant lass like you will do to keep the man she loves. Incidentally, before we start, you should know that if you’re planning to keep your pride we shouldn’t even be planning.”

I groan at his words and my shoulders slump because if they’re throwing my pride out the back door already this is gonna be painful.

Aw crumpets.

“Lay it on me.”

Thanks to Devon’s speech yesterday and the fact that I’m shamefaced and still smarting from the hour long talk with his brothers I decided that I need to address a few other things in my life before I embark on the craziness that I’m planning for Devon.

So I’m now sitting in the passenger seat of my car, Ryan having driven me thanks to their veto on me going anywhere alone from now on, staring at the house I spent the first eighteen years of my life in.

My intentions are to do what I should have done months, no years ago, and talk to my parents like an adult. Devon’s right, I need to let go of this baggage I’ve been lugging around for years and that can only start if I trust the people I love instead of running from shit in case they disappoint me with their responses.

I really hate that he’s right but at the same time I’m grateful that he knows me well enough to see through my bullshitgood girl routine to the girl who’s frightened of being anything less than perfect.

“Get out of the car hun. I’ll be here.” Ryan says softly, giving me a gentle nudge. “You can do this.”

“Come in with me.”

“Nope. This is all you. If you hadn’t pissed Dev off so much the old chap would have gladly held your hand and gone in their as your shield but now…you’re on your own. Go.”

“You’ll be here?” I ask, throwing the door open and getting out.

I don’t get a reply and gasp in outrage when I pause at the door and hear the squeal of tires and see my car backing out of the drive, Ryan giving me a thumbs up and a wide smirk.

“I’ll be back for you in an hour hun! Go get em!”

“Sonofabitch.”

“Becky?”

I close my eyes and freeze when that soft hesitant voice meets my ears and I have to battle back the urge to cry. Breathing deeply through my nose I let out my breath and turn, willing myself to stay calm when my mother’s familiar, lovely face comes into view.

She’s exactly as I remember, exactly the way she’s always been with her salt and pepper hair falling just below her ears in a straight bob and-her face looks pale and strained, adding on at least ten years to her previously ageless face and I realize something must be wrong.

“Hi mama. I’m sorry I just showed up. If this is a bad time-”

“No! Please…don’t leave. I’ve missed you so much Becky.” She whispers raggedly, her eyes pleading with me when I would have turned away.

“I…I need to talk. To you and dad. Please.”

My voice comes out rock steady just the way I’d been practising all the way over in the car but inside I’m a jumbled mess of the old insecurity and fear of failing.

“Of course, uh, come in darling, dad is uh, you go on in to the formal sitting room and I’ll go call him.” she scuttles away before I can ask why she wants me in the room only used for guests and I find myself trudging in and sitting with a sigh, half afraid the antique kindling beneath me is gonna shatter and dump me on my ass.

Some furniture is just for show and definitely not designed for my pregnant ass but I stay where I am for a good ten minutes before checking my watch and peeking at the door.

The house is silent, totally at odds with the usual hustle and bustle of the staff and mama’s fundraising efforts. There are usually at least two assistants running around in harried panic and the housekeeper, Annie would have come to offer me something.

A shiver wracks me despite the heat and I fidget, blowing out an impatient breath when another five minutes pass with no results. Heaving myself up and out of the seat I let out a groan and thank God I made it.

It’s as I’m making my way to the front door that I hear the first sounds since getting here and I turn to see mama rushing towards me, dad a ways behind her.

“No, wait Becky! Please, just wait.”

I turn at the door and stand mute, waiting for her to make her way to me and drag me-

“No mama, I can’t sit in there. My ass is way too heavy for those sticks.” I grumble, pulling away gently.

Her eyes mist at the mention of my pregnancy and she pauses, her eyes skipping down to rest on my belly.

“Oh my baby, you’re-”

“Huge. I know.” I snort, trembling when she rests a gentle hand on me. Junior, the little attention hog chooses that moment to stretch and do a somersault in my overly cramped confines and mama giggles.

“No, you look lovely.” She whispers, smiling softly.

The expression on her face is wistful and I feel like shit when I realize that with my stupid stubbornness she’s lost out on almost all of my pregnancy.

Stupid.

“Thanks, but I have a mirror mama. This kid is like two times too big for the condo and he eats like a champion.”

“He’s a Slade then.”

The sound of dad’s voice is so loud I finally turn my eyes towards him and gasp when I see him properly for the first time in months. Gone is the robust giant of a man I remember and in his place is a sallow, leaner version.

“What the hell?”

“Ah sugarplum, let’s go on into the kitchen and talk while mama whips us up some coffee and cookies. I’ve got a lot to tell you and a lot of apologizing to do.”

I don’t eat or drink anything because I can’t possibly get anything down with this lump in my throat.

He tells me everything about the last few months and the pain and testing and…but I won’t focus on any of that, not after they tell me that the treatments worked and he’s in remission.

And then he apologizes for everything and I cry harder when he admits that the only reason he was so hard on us all is that he wanted to be sure we’d be okay when he was gone.

I can’t think about that without feeling my heart try to beat straight through my chest in fear. I’ve spent the last seven months of my life resenting my parents for hurting me when all along they’ve been going through hell.

Dad could have died thinking I hate him and don’t want him and mama in my life. My kid could have been born without his grand pappy and now, after messing up so monumentally there’s a chance he’s gonna be born with his time split between two households.

“I messed up dad.” I say after a while, breaking the comfortable silence. “I saw something and immediately thought the worst and now…”

“Aw sugarplum don’t cry. Tell me what’s up and we can fix it.” He soothes, his bony arms enfolding me for a split second before mama wrestles me away and shoves my face into her breasts.

I choke out a laugh and snort when the action brings on comfort instead of the horror I’d previously met it with. Mama’s got some big knockers and if I’m not careful I’ll be trying to climb my way out of them for the next year.

“Tell mama who hurt you and I’ll kick their asses.”

“No. Not…I did something dumb and now I’m afraid there’s nothing I can do to fix it.”

I tell them everything, everything, though it’s mortifying to admit a one night stand to your parents and then have to confess that you’ve been living with a man who you treated like a piece of meat.

“Sooo…”

“Oh Sugarplum, you are so much like your mama I can’t stand it!” Dad laughs, his shoulders quaking so hard I have to grab him and keep him from falling off the chair and onto his ass.

“Would you stop laughing, this is serious.” I yell, throwing a cookie at him and rolling my eyes at mama. “The father of my child, who you so owe an apology to by the way, is ready to cut me loose and you’re laughing. Go freaking figure that I’ll fall for someone and mess it up.” I mutter, glaring when he laughs harder and wipes his eyes on a sigh.

“Darling, your mama pulled one of them one night stands on my ass the first time we met. I woke up to an empty bed the next morning and an ache in my heart that cut me deep.”

“An ache in your heart Brandon Slade? Is that what we’re calling it these days?” Mama snort, casting a glance at his junk.

“Oh gross mama. Seriously gross.”

“Now, now baby, I told ya’ll before, you weren’t found under a cabbage leaf. You were made-”

“Oh stop! I endured four months of barfing already, don’t make me start again.”

That gets dad chuckling but he sobers quickly and gives me a look that tells me he’s going serious on me.

“Like I was saying, we had one night of passion and the fool woman got it in her head to run. By the time I found her she was knocked up with Greyson and spitting mad at me for getting her that way. I spent a long time convincing your mama that I wasn’t looking for a quick lay and a few visitations with my kid.”

Mama snorts indelicately at that and gives him a slow eyed once over and I grimace.

“Seriously? You’re telling me about how you seduced my mother?”

“No baby, I’m telling you that it took a lot of effort and one very unfortunate incident-I was young and stupid and horny-to get my head outta my ass and just go full throttle. Your mama kicked me out of our bed and went to see a lawyer about divorcing me after three months of marriage.”

“No.”

“Oh yeah sugarplum. I fell for her and then did something really dumb and she kicked my ass to the curb. Hurt my pride I’ll tell ya that. I hurt her and she did her damn best to hurt me in return. So I thought about giving up and letting her be, like maybe she deserved more than a man who couldn’t give her what she needed.”

“What did you do?”

I ask because obviously something worked and as much as I love Ry and Day, those boys have made some diabolical plans for me and I’d really rather avoid that humiliation thank you very much.

“Well, I went and got drunk and ended up at home, staring at my old man and the boot he was ready to plant up my ass. I told him everything and know what he said? He said if you know that you’re no good for her let her go, but if you think you have it in you and you know that no one will love that girl the way you do, then you shouldn’t give up. I knew that no one would ever feel half of what I did for your mama so I swallowed my pride and did what I had to do.”

“And it damn well worked. The man swallowed every scrap of the damn stuff and followed me around like a hound dog. He’d tell everyone within spitting distance that he belonged to me and then he said that he’d love me forever even if I never felt the same way.” Mama finishes, leaning over to kiss him sweetly. “Best decision I ever made letting go of all my anger and giving him another chance.”

“Wait, are you telling me you…what exactly did you do, besides putting the moves on her?” Iask, shivering with revulsion at the thought of my pops giving mama the same looks Dev used to give me.

“I slept in her bed everynight, even when she turned away or flat out ignored me. I told her I loved her every chance I got and on that last night, well let’s just say the country club got an ear full of my feelings when I got down on my knees and begged her not to leave me.”

Brandon Slade on his knees? Begging forgiveness?

The concept is so laughable I giggle, stopping only when my mama grins and nods once, her eyes alight with glee.

“Your daddy had one hell of a time living that one down but I can tell you he never messed with me again. We may be an old married couple and I may be a stay at home wife while he takes care of me and everything else around us but I have never been easy to trust. Your dad had to earn it.”

Oh snaaap!

“But maaama, he’s being such a dick about it he won’t even talk to me.” I whine, giving in to my natural inclination to hear them reassure me.

Not this time though.

“So you do all the talking till he eventually hears you Beck. Now I’m not saying I’ll take too kindly to that man treating you poorly but if you’ve slapped that mules ass you’re gonna have to take a kick or two to the head for your efforts. Make him see that you’re worth a second chance and…if that doesn’t work then you move along and accept it. At least you’ll have tried instead of running or hiding like you’re prone to do. Now enough gloomy talk, who wants ice-cream?”

And just like that I’m okay. I may not be a hundred percent happy right now but I know that as long as they’re here for me I’ll be okay.

I hope.