Rocky Mountain Mayhem (7 page)

“Relax.” She gave Kate a dismissive wave.
“The class meets at Sunnyside trailhead, not the cemetery. Much
cheerier.” Lucy pulled into a small, muddy parking lot and stopped
in front of a large oak tree.

A Paul Bunyan-sized man was speaking with
three other guys just past a marquee providing info and a map of
the trail. It was the same guy they’d seen on the internet.

“You here for the primitive wilderness
course?” he asked as the girls walked up.

Vivian felt about 3-feet tall under his
hazel-eyed gaze. She imagined running her fingers through his
unruly brown hair but didn’t think she could reach it.

“Yes, we are,” Wendy answered.

One of the other guys snickered, and Bunyan
cut his gaze to him. The guy immediately stopped.

Bunyan introduced himself as Buck, and
introductions were made. Vivian didn’t like Chris, the snicker-er.
He was about 6-foot, but looked like Tattoo from
Fantasy
Island
compared to the instructor.

Buck got right to business. “The essentials
in wilderness survival are shelter, fire, food and water. You need
to be able to find, make and maintain shelter, fire and food, and
you need to be able to find and purify water. In order to do those
things, every hiker or wilderness explorer should hit the trail
with their EDC, everyday carry tools.”

He pulled a knife out of a sheath on his
belt. “One of the most important tools out here. Whether it’s
cutting saplings for a tree-pit snow shelter or skinning dinner, a
sharp knife is a must.”

Vivian shivered. She hoped there would be no
skinning demonstrations.

Buck returned the knife, then picked up his
backpack. He pulled out some of the contents. “Rope, poncho and
stakes for a lean-to.” He threw those on the ground and reached
into the bag. “First-aid kit. Should be a no-brainer, but you’d be
surprised at the number of hikers who get into trouble that could
have been avoided, had they had a stocked first-aid kit.”

He pulled out a small brown bottle and a
contraption with a pump and tubes. He shook the bottle. “Iodine
tablets will kill 100 percent of the bacteria, viruses and giardia
in contaminated bodies of water, but the results don’t taste
great.” He dropped the bottle in the backpack and held up the
contraption. “Water purifier, the most essential tool for the most
essential element in wilderness survival. We will hike through the
oaks about half a mile to a pond. Each of you will have a chance to
use the pump, and I encourage you to taste for yourself.” He turned
and headed up the trail.

The group followed as Buck pointed out hidden
dangers, identified foliage that could be eaten, animal tracks
along the way, etc.

At the pond, Chris, the snicker-er, said, “No
way I’m going to drink anything out of there.”

A stench rose from the murky, film-covered
water. Decaying plant matter along the sides left suspended
particles in the muck.

“Who wants to go first?” Buck asked after
demonstrating the purification process.

Vivian’s stomach lurched thinking about it,
but she was determined to show up the guys, so she raised her
hand.

“That’s what I like,” Buck said. “Someone
who’s not afraid to take chances.”

She assembled the pump as Buck had
instructed, and stuck the dirty end of one tube in the pond. She
put the clean end into a small plastic cup Buck provided. With a
few easy decompressions on the pump handle, clear water filled the
cup. She air-toasted Chris and gulped it down. It tasted a little
funkified, but she forced a smile on her face.

“Who’s next?” Buck asked.

One of the other guys was overeager and
pumped shots for his buddies. It was the girls’ turn to
snicker.

Buck moved to a nearby evergreen and
explained how to pick a good spot for a lean-to, then showed how to
construct it using the ropes, poncho and stakes.

Lucy raised her hand. “What’s the tree-pit
snow shelter you mentioned earlier?”

“Let’s go over here and I’ll show you,” Buck
said, then moved off the trail into a snowy patch. “I need
volunteers to dig the snow out from around this tree wide enough
for two people to get in. This time of year it’s not all that deep
so this instruction is more for educational purposes than actual
utilization, but midwinter, this knowledge could save your life.
Pack the snow firm on top and inside as well.”

“What do we dig with?” Wendy asked.

“Your hands, unless you brought a
shovel.”

“Come on, it’ll be fun,” Kate said and dug
in. “We’re learning to survive in the wilderness.”

Wendy didn’t look as enthusiastic.

The girls had a hole dug to Buck’s
specifications in no time, as the snow was more mush than powder.
Vivian’s hands stung from the cold and her exercise pants were
muddy from kneeling.

Buck pulled out his knife and cut a few
boughs off a juniper. “Place these in the bottom for insulation.”
They did while he cut a few more. “You would use these for cover on
top.”

Lucy hopped into the pit and held one of the
jumper branches over her head, peeking out. “Can you see me?” she
asked Vivian.

Buck laughed and reached out a hand to help
Lucy up. Getting back into instructor mode, he said, “Navigating
off-trail is of the utmost importance should you get lost or
disoriented in the wilderness.” He unzipped a pocket on his camo
pants, pulled out several compasses and handed them to the group.
He had them hold the compass and turn from side to side as he gave
basic instructions.

He pointed out the peak to Red Mountain and
went into an explanation on azimuths. Vivian tuned out the
projected vector, zenith, perpendicular, blah blah. She was more
interested in the rest of him.

Wrapping up the compass instruction, he
handed everyone a topographical map and explained how to read it.
“Now that you can read the topos, it’s time to put your skills to
use—”

“Tacos?” Wendy said. “I could put my skills
to use eating one of those right now.”

“Me, too.” Vivian giggled but stopped at
Buck’s glance.

“Topos, as in topography,” he explained.

Vivian and Wendy shared an oops moment.

Buck addressed the group. “Do you see
Squirrel Lake?”

Nods all around.

“Your job is to hike there, off-trail, using
nothing but the map, compass and azimuth skills I’ve given you. It
should take you no more than 15 minutes.”

“What if we get lost?” Wendy asked.

Lucy raised her map in the air. “I got
this.”

Buck clapped, dismissing them. “See you in
15.”

THE girls conferred over the map for a few
minutes before trekking northeast toward Squirrel Lake. Mr. Snicker
and his two buddies had taken off right away.

Ten minutes into their hike, Kate stopped and
consulted the map. “We should have passed this stream by now.” She
pointed to a thin blue line about halfway from where they were to
where the lake was.

“Maybe we just haven’t gotten to it yet?”
Vivian asked.

“I need to recheck the azimuth calculation.”
Kate scanned the horizon and ticked off a few points on her hand.
“I think we need to head more east than north.”

“Sure thing,” Wendy said and they started
out.

Another five minutes passed, and Kate clicked
her tongue. “This isn’t right. We definitely should have passed
that stream by now.”

“Maybe it’s dried up?” Vivian said.

“Probably not, it’s spring,” Lucy looked at
the map, then at the horizon. “By my calculations, we should head
directly north. It just feels right.”

Vivian leaned against an aspen. “That doesn’t
sound very scientific.”

“You wanna figure it out?” Lucy asked.

“I wasn’t paying attention! He started to
sound like Charlie Brown’s teacher so I checked him out instead.
Fine specimen.”

Kate and Lucy turned to Wendy, who threw up
her hands. “Don’t ask me. I hated geography in high school and used
to fall asleep in class.”

Kate looked at the map again. “I think we’re
officially lost.”

Lucy looked over her shoulder. “We can’t be
that lost, we’ve only been walking a few minutes.”

They studied the map together. Wendy walked
the perimeter, scanning for landmarks. Vivian checked her cell
phone. No service. “At least it’s still early. They should find us
before the creatures come out.”

“I think I got it,” Kate said. “If we hike a
bit that way,” she pointed a little to the right of north,
according to Vivian’s compass, “we should make it to the southern
edge of the lake, instead of the east, as we had planned.”

“Lead us to the promise land, sista!” Vivian
said.

They started out again and hiked for 10
minutes before reaching a ravine.

“Is this the stream?” Vivian asked and sat on
top of a boulder lining the edge. It started to slide and she
scrambled forward, grasping for a tree.

Lucy and Wendy ran to her, grabbing her arm
just in time to pull her to safety. The boulder continued to slide
off the side, crunching and crushing everything in its path. The
three fell in a heap.

“Oh my god!” Vivian said as she sat up. “That
coulda killed me!”

Kate rushed over and helped her up. “You
probably would have been impaled on something on the way down.”

“We would have needed a medical chopper to
rescue you,” Wendy said and stood up. “That crash sounded
bad
.”

Vivian dusted herself off. “Thanks for the
save!”

“We get an F in primitive wilderness school,”
Lucy said, looking dejected. “I was sure I would ace this.”

Vivian patted her back. “You did great with
the tree-pit snow shelter. That’s something.”

“And you saved your friend’s life,” Buck said
as he walked up behind them.

“Woo-hoo, we’re saved!” Wendy said and
clapped. “I am
done
with this land navigating stuff.”

“How did you find us?” Lucy asked.

“At first I tracked you,” Buck said and
chuckled. “Then it wasn’t hard to hear you, so I just followed the
sound.”

“Tracked us?” Kate said.

“Yes. Using the skills of Apache warriors, I
can track anyone and sneak up silently.”

Vivian crossed her arms in front of her
chest, then raised one hand. “How Chief Buck, we come in peace.
Ooohoohoohoohooo!” She popped her hand back and forth over her
mouth doing her best Apache impersonation. She was one-sixteenth
Cherokee so she felt semi-qualified.

“Thanks for finding us,” Lucy said.

“If it’s any conciliation, the guys didn’t
make it, either,” Buck said.

“Is that what you’re teaching us this
afternoon?” Kate asked.

“The basics, yes. Let’s get back to the
group.” He crossed the ravine and the girls followed —
carefully.

Buck had the guys gather tinder, kindling and
a few larger logs for his fire demonstration. He got right to it.
“There are four types of campfires: cooking, warmth, lighting and
signaling. Which one you build depends on your situation.”

“I always thought there was a
one-size-fits-all fire,” Vivian whispered to Lucy.

“Me, too.”

As Buck dug a fire pit, he said, “I’m not
going to light the fire today, but your best bet is to carry
waterproof matches with you. In the event you don’t have a 21st
century method for lighting fire, do it caveman style by using two
sticks together in the bow-drill method or finding flint rock which
can create a spark.”

Kate coughed and Wendy elbowed her in the
ribs. “He’s not talking about
that
kind of caveman
style.”

“I don’t even know what that would be, it
just sounded funny.”

“I think it would involve a lot of ughaaa
wughaaa, ughaaa—”

Kate and Vivian started full-out laughing,
and Lucy gave them a look.

Buck, ignoring them, threw the tinder and
kindling into the pit and then used the kindling and logs to
assemble the four types of fire. He concluded with the signaling
fire. “Make a tripod frame over the tinder and kindling and tie the
branches together with wire or evergreen branches. Light the fire
and drape green leafy branches from the top of the tripod. Smoke
will billow high into the sky, enabling a rescue team to find
you.”

“Are there smoke signals we should do?” Lucy
asked.

Buck grinned. “No, the smoke is a signal
itself, but if possible, light more than one of these, and make
caveman sounds while you do it.” Putting on a straight face, he
said to the group, “Who wants to try?”

Overeager water guy was all over this, too,
and stepped right up, cutting Lucy off. She went about gathering
her own tinder, kindling and logs with the girls’ help, and she
made a bigger signaling fire than he did.

Buck gave her an approving glance, then
turned his attention to the group. “Time for lunch. I brought my
favorite survival snacks; hope you’re hungry.” He pulled a bag of
dried fruit out of his backpack. “Feel free to use the water filter
in the lake if you’re thirsty.”

Wendy put her hands on her hips. “He wasn’t
kidding when he named this course ‘primitive.’ ”

This was not the lunch Vivian had envisioned.
Lucy’s going to have to make up for this
.

She did, by whipping out the Ritz Crackers
and Easy Cheese from her backpack. “Am I good or what?”

Vivian drew an A+ on a cracker and handed it
to Lucy. “Way to keep me alive in the wilderness!”

A quick lunch out of the way, Buck began
teaching the basics of scouting and tracking, starting with natural
camouflage.

“You have to blend into your surroundings,”
he said as he rubbed mud all over his face, then took a bit of the
tinder from the fire pit and stuck it on his cheeks. He walked to
the tree line and worked a small evergreen branch into a circle and
strategically placed it on his head. “Move with the landscape and
observe nature.” He clapped his hands, and birds flew from the
trees. “What are they flying away from?”