Remembering Hell (12 page)

I lie down in the emptiness of the
night and let the dark fold over me. I realize I hate the dark now, like that
awkward kid in high school, with its quietness and its need to invade your
personal space. I jump up and turn on a small lamp on the other side of the
room, giving just enough illumination to bully the protrusive dark away. I
scurry back to my bed and pull the covers around my eyes to hide the light. I
do this with as little sense of irony as I can possibly muster. I am drifting
off to sleep when I decide to just go ahead and throw it out there. “Please
help me? Send me a sign?” I mentally try to push the thoughts through my own
veil and straight to Deedy’s ears. I then send up the wish that I hope he gets
the message. Finally true darkness overtakes me. And then I dream.

Linda and I are young again and
walking together in a wooded area. Like hiking, which is funny because Linda
and I never went hiking. We are walking and talking and laughing just like we
used to do, and I feel so happy. Then we come to a fork in the path. One side
is dark and filled with underbrush. It looks creepy, so I turn to the other
path that is much more open. I say to Linda, “Let’s go down here. It looks way
better.”

Linda looks at me and says, “That
is your way. This is mine. We can’t go together. This is where we have to part
ways.”

“But, Linda, I know the way down
this path. Come with me.” I sound desperate now.

“I can’t. I have to go my own way.”
She sounds so calm, even as she’s walking into the darkness.

I find myself crying now. “But,
you’ll get lost,” I say to her, pleadingly.

“And I will find my way out,” she
says. “Don’t worry. I will meet you on the other side. Just wait, be patient.”

“Wouldn’t you rather be able to see
everything? You can if you will just follow me,” I say, making one last ditch
effort to keeping her safe.

“See everything? If I follow you,
the only thing I will be able to see is your back. I really must go. If you
love me, you will let me.” And then she disappears into the darkness.

I wake up to the sound of my own
sobs. I fall to my knees and don’t even care if there is no one out there to
hear me. “Thank you. Thank you for my sign. I now know what to do. Thank you.”

Now all I have to do is hope I have
the courage to do it.

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

Joe stands in front of his closet
with his mouth open in a silent scream of horror. They can’t be serious. He
thinks as he takes out an old fashioned hospital gown. Not only do I have to go
to work as a cashier in a superstore, but I will also be mooning everyone in
the process? He digs around inside the closet, hoping against hope that there
is underwear. Of course there is not. Maybe if he gets to work early, he will
have time to purchase a pair before his shift. Then all he has to do is to also
hope that they stay together long enough to make it through the day. The
underwear sold in the superstore usually doesn’t keep its elastic longer than
juicy fruit gum keeps its flavor. In other words, ten minutes and they are
around your ankles. Still, that is all he’s got, so he gets dressed quickly.
Not that it takes long to slip into a gown, and heads downstairs.

Louise has just arrived, and she
can’t stop laughing. She is in a state of delirious convulsions, and Joe thinks
he may have to slap her to bring her back to being reasonable. Not that he
would mind slapping her right about now.

After Louise pulls herself
together, they walk to the superstore in pretty mild conversation. Of course
she’s enjoying his predicament a little too much, and he gets the sense that
she may be hiding something about her own day’s plans from him. But they get
there, and she wishes him luck before he enters the store alone.

Inside, he heads straight for the
underwear and pulls a pair off the shelf. Then he approaches one of the sales
girls and asks for the manager. She rolls her eyes, but then she sees his
outfit and stares openly at him for a full thirty seconds.

“The manager, now,” he says to her
sharply.

In about ten minutes the manager
appears, and he introduces himself. The manager is an older man with about
seven hairs still hanging on for dear life in his head. They are all white. He
is short, about five feet two inches, and he is a bit...well, squirrely is the
first word that comes to Joe’s mind. Like he’s always nervous. His small brown
eyes are constantly darting back and forth like he’s waiting for some employee
to jump out and punch him. His name is Martin. He doesn’t seem to notice the
fact that Joe’s ass is hanging out. He just launches into his spiel.

“Okay, here is where your register
is going to be. In books and stationary. It is the least busy of all of our
departments so it should be pretty easy. If anyone comes in and wants to know
how to find a product, you just send them to Betty. She will be working at the
register next to you, and she has been here for a while, so she knows the
ropes. Other than directing customers to her, I would not talk to Betty. She
doesn’t have the best disposition.” Betty looks up from her magazine to gaze
over at Martin. He physically jumps at her stare. She then turns to Joe and
looks him up and down, very slowly. It feels almost intimate, and Joe can feel
color warming his face. Then he meets her eyes and she just starts to laugh.

“I’m happy to amuse,” Joe says with
a bow. Then he turns to Martin. “Can I pay for these before I start? I’d like
to rectify my current situation.”

Martin looks down and notices what
Joe is wearing for the first time. “Oh my goodness. Don’t worry! Just go put
them on. Put something on.” Then he scurries away.

Joe looks around for a restroom or
a changing room, but doesn’t see anything nearby. So he just goes behind his
counter and slips on the underwear. Feeling a little better, he thinks he’s
ready for his day.

And man, is it a long damn day.
When Martin said this was not a popular department he was being understated. It
actually seems like the only customers who come into the books and stationary
department are the ones who wander in by accident. Joe has only rung up two
people in the last four hours. Betty is a bit of a freak show too. One customer
came in looking for electronics, and she lunged at him with a steak knife.
Another one asked them if they carry greeting cards, and Betty started throwing
books at her. But not before she set fire to them. Yeah, throwing flaming books
at customers. That is Martin’s idea of a “not nice disposition.” Joe laughs at
his own thoughts.

Suddenly, there is a youthful
looking man walking through the department. And he has a book in his hand. This
could be an actual customer. Joe stands and looks expectantly at the boy. The
young man walks up and puts the book on the counter.

“I would like to return this,” he
says.

Joe notices that Betty has stood up
and is rolling up her sleeves. He catches her eye and says, “I’ll take care of
this one, Betty.” She sits down, but continues to give the man the fish eye.

Joe looks at the book and notices
that it’s A Tale of Two Cities. “This has always been one of my favorites,” he
says to the young man. “Why would you want to return it?”

“You have read it before?” he asks
Joe.

“Yes. Many times,” Joe answers.

“Well, I haven’t. This was my first
time,” the man says.

“And, you didn’t like it?” Joe
asks.

“Look at the end,” the man says.

Joe flips through the book to the
last page. It ends with Sydney being led to the prison. Then it just stops. “It
is missing the last page,” Joe says incredulously.

“Which is why I need to return it.”

Joe walks with him to the section
of the books where Tale of Two Cities would be. He picks up another copy and
goes to the end. The last page is also missing. There is one more copy. Joe
picks it up, holding out little hope. He turns to the back and finds that the
last page is missing. “They are all incomplete.”

The young man looks dejected. “Now
I will never know how it ends.”

Joe says, “Come here.” And sits the
young man down on a stool by his register. “Stanly Carton goes to the prison
where they are keeping Darnay. He convinces him to change clothes with him,
then he drugs him so the guards will carry him away. Then Carton takes Darnay’s
place at the guillotine, where he is executed.”

“Wow. That is kind of a stupid
thing to do,” the young man mumbles.

“Well, he does it so that he can
give his life meaning. He says something really great at the very end,” Joe
replies.

“Do you remember it?”

“Yes, I think I do. He says ‘It is
a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far
better rest that I go to than I have ever known’.”

“That’s nice. Guess he didn’t end
up here, eh?” The boy laughs at his own joke.

“Guess not,” Joe says. “You still
want to return the book?”

“Nah. I’ll keep it, if you don’t
mind writing that part about going to a better place in the back of it?”

“Sure. I certainly will.” Joe
writes the quote complete with crediting it to Charles Dickens and hands the
book back to the young man.

He watches the man walk toward the
exit and sees Martin coming at him at lightning speed. “Joe. I need to speak
with you in the back.”

Joe walks with him to the back and
feels a stone forming in his belly. He knows this is not going to end well. He
gets back there and there it is, on the table waiting for him. A pink slip.

Terminated for Fostering Closure

Joe grabs it and leaves. He storms
out and starts walking toward Deedy’s office. This is getting old fast. What is
the point of having a job for four fucking hours? How is he going to explain
this? Then he stops, in the middle of the street and grabs his head. Memories
are rushing back to him now. He is suddenly laughing and crying at the same
time. Oh, so many beautiful thoughts flowing through him. Why is he here? Why
was he damned for all eternity? He must get to Deedy. He must explain.

He doesn’t even feel like stopping
for a chat with Gabby drinking root beer. He wants Deedy to know what he
remembered. Gabby seems to sense that and sends him directly back to Deedy’s
office. He goes in and sits down.

“Fired again. But guess what I
remembered?” Joe says excitedly.

“Tell me everything!” Deedy says.

“I didn’t kill Tommy! He didn’t
kill himself because of me!” Joe says excitedly.

“Of course he didn’t,” Deedy says.

“No, I mean. Tom was sick. It was
cancer of the stomach. He knew he was dying, and he wanted to clear everything
up before his time. He came to me and asked me to out him. I wrote the story
almost exactly like he told me. I even gave him a preview copy for his final
approval. He was so glad, so grateful to me for putting it out there the way he
wanted. So that his family would not have to deal with it after his death.”

“And it seems that you did a
wonderful job. That is why he felt okay leaving a little earlier than
scheduled,” Deedy says with so much caring.

“Speaking of that, he committed
suicide.”

“Yes, he did.”

“Did he end up here?” Joe asks.

“No. He’s happy now, and with his loved
ones,” Deedy responds.

“Good. That is good to hear.”
“Well, son. I think you are ready for a very big job.” Deedy gives him a yellow
post-it note.

Joe looks at the address. “I know
this place. Louise was going there.”

“Yes, that’s the place,” Deedy says,
as if he knows all about Louise. “You start tomorrow.” Deedy watches him with
great concern in his eyes.

Joe feels a chill go down his
spine. He doesn’t understand why, but he’s frightened. Tomorrow he will start
at Davis, Morgan, and Lugner Law Offices.

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

I barely slept all night. I am
excited and frightened and sad and overjoyed all at the same time. I am also
nervous. I’m still not sure that I am making the right decision. But I do know
deep down that it is the only decision. I get up and get dressed in my simple,
yet comfortable and not too disastrous outfit, still giggling over Joe’s
hospital gown from yesterday. When I am ready to walk out the door I notice a
post-it note on the inside of my door. It says:

Lou, today is the day for Joe. Last
job. Dangerous. – Gabby

I read the note a couple of times.
Could the timing be any worse? Today is Joe’s last job, which means I have to
stay close, but I also have to get to Lugner’s office at some point. I feel a
whole host of butterflies take flight in my stomach. Today is the day for Joe.
Today he finds out who Deedy really is, that he has been doing temp jobs for
God. Today he gets welcomed into Heaven. Today he will reunite with loved ones.
It really is a big day, and instead of being totally excited for Joe and
looking forward to being there for all his discoveries, I am worried about
getting into Lugner’s office without having to run off and save Joe from some
terrible fate.

When I get to Joe’s I meet him
outside. He looks a bit nervous too. I remember my last job, which was at a day
care center. That was terrifying to me. Joe looks cool as a cucumber
comparatively as he walks up to me and says, “Ready for some news?”

“Sure,” I say, with unfelt
cheerfulness. “What’s up?”

“Today I start a new job!” he says.

“I heard something about that,
through the grapevine. So where to this morning?”

“Davis, Morgan, and Lugner.”

I look at him and probably go just
a little pale. “Seriously?”

“Very. Deedy says this one is going
to a big one. I figure since you have been inside, you may be able to tell me
why.”

“I can’t think of anything, except
for Suzy who is a giant bitch, but other than that…I don’t know,” I answer.
“However, this seems like a bit of a coincidence.”

“Yeah, you were just in there a
couple days ago, now I’m on my way in too,” Joe says casually.

“It is a bigger coincidence than
that, Joe,” I say. Now my nerves are showing worse than Joe’s.

“Why?” he asks.

“Because I am on my way back there
today. I have an appointment with,” I say, leaving out the major news for right
now. How would Joe react if I told him that my best friend works there and the
whole reason I was watching over Joe was so that I could find that out and see
her? Maybe it’s better if he just doesn’t know. Especially not today.

“That’s great news!” Joe exclaims.
“At least I will know someone there today!” He actually gets a little bounce in
his step and starts to walk faster. “I’m not nearly as scared as I was!” And he
actually does look a little relieved.

For a split second I stop with my
obsessing of my own issue and revel just a tiny bit over the fact that I have
done exactly what Deedy wanted me to do with Joe. To make him feel comfortable
and safe. To give him a sense of someone having his back down here. And I had
done it my own way. Not skulking around, barely hiding behind corners. I had
done it by being an out in the open stalker. I laugh a bit at the thought.

However, I do wonder what could
possibly happen at Davis, Morgan, and Lugner today that could be as terrifying
as my experience in the day care center. Then I remember what Deedy said to me
the last time I saw him, that everyone’s journey is different, and that Joe is
a good person. He just needs to be reminded of that. Maybe his reminder will be
a bit gentler than mine had to be.

We get to Davis, Morgan, and
Lugner, and we stop in front of the door. We look at one another, and I feel
tears stinging behind my eyes. Joe does not realize it yet, but we have just
completed the last walk to work together in Hell. I want to grab him and give
him a hug and tell him that today is going to change eternity for him, but I
can’t. So instead I just take his hand and hold it tight and say, “Good luck,
Joe.”

He looks at me with a weird
expression, as if to say “What is wrong with you?” but instead he says “Good
luck to you too, Louise.” And gives my hand a squeeze before releasing it.

We open the doors and walk through
them together. I immediately scan the room for Linda but don’t see her. Suzy is
glaring at Joe. He introduces himself, and she dismisses him to the conference
room where one of his co-workers will explain to him how to highlight the dates
of meetings in every single one of their files. Ugh. Sounds like busy work to
me. Also sounds so tedious that I would rather get into an Ipecac drinking
contest than to have to do that all day. I do wonder if the co-worker he is
about to meet is Linda, but I don’t have time to sneak in there with him and
check. Because Suzy bores down on me the second he is gone.

“I assume you have an appointment,”
she says.

“Of course I do,” I say, even
though I didn’t exactly make a real actual appointment. “He’s expecting me.” I
do think that is true.

She goes back into his office and
comes out. “Fine. You may go in. He will see you now.” Then she turns back to
her desk and keeps on doing whatever it is she does all day. My guess is eating
puppies and designing houses made out of candy.

I walk casually into Lugner’s
office. “Hello again, Mr. Lugner,” I say, kind of formally.

“Hello, Louise, I am so glad you
returned. I just want you to know how very much I am looking forward to our
working together,” he says with his amazing smile shining brightly.

“Yes, well…about that,” I say. “I
don’t think we will be working together.”

“Excuse me?” He looks confused.

I start speaking very quickly,
because I have to get it out before I lose my nerve, or my will. “I can’t do
it. As much as I would love to spare Linda even a moment of this pain and
torment, I simply can’t. Because it is not my journey. I have no right to take
away her experiences for my own personal comfort or gain. And yes, she may get
lost, and it may take years...but we will meet again someday, on the other
side. And why should she follow me? If she does, all she will see is my back.
She has to have her own chance to meet Deedy, and to have a guardian angel, and
to have a last job like Joe. I can’t do it. She is here because she felt she
needed to be here. She has to take her own path. And if I love her, I will let
her.” I stop and take a deep breath. I feel so much better now that it is out.

Lugner does not seem nearly as
pleased. “Are you insane?” he asks. “How can you say you love someone and leave
them behind? How can you go back and tell Hank that you just arbitrarily
decided that his wife needs to stay in Hell?” He actually seems a little angry
at me.

Damn it, I didn’t even think of
Hank. He had begged me to do it. He is so new here, and he never had the
experience I did with the whole temp agency thing. He will probably be pissed
at me too. But hopefully, over time he will come to understand.

That is what I say now to Lugner.
“And I hope you can understand too. I just feel very strongly that this is the
right thing to do. And I think Linda would agree if she could.” I hope and pray
that she will agree someday once she knows and understands.

“You keep on telling yourself that
when you are back in Paradise. Try not to think about the woman who loved you
so much that she helped raise your daughter like a niece, and cried for you
every single day that you were not around. Keep telling yourself that she would
want you to leave her here. That everyone will understand, that you felt it was
the right thing to do.” I am openly sobbing now. And he stands up, which I take
as a dismissal, so I also stand and head for the door. I turn around and look
at him again. This man, or angel, that I thought was the most handsome specimen
I had ever laid eyes on, now looks twisted and red-faced with anger. I am more
than a little frightened. I decide to try to divert the subject just a little.

“I would like to say goodbye to Joe
before I leave,” I say through my sobs.

He presses a button and says to the
air, “Suzy, bring Joe out front to say goodbye to Ms. Patterson.” Then he looks
at me and sneers before he adds, “Leave Linda in the conference room.” That was
his way of telling me that I cannot see Linda again. I choke back another sob
as I leave his office and run right into Joe.

Joe looks concerned. “Louise, are
you okay?” He grabs my shoulders as I start to fall.

“I think I need to sit down,” I say
weakly.

He takes me over to a chair and
sits down next to me. “What happened?” he asks.

“Things just didn’t turn out the
way I thought. Lugner turned out to be kind of a jerk.” “Well sure, if his name
is any indication,” Joe says. I suddenly remember when he told me about this
office. Joe had said, “There might be thousands of Lugners down here,
obviously…” What did he mean by “obviously?” And what does he mean now?

“What does his name have to do with
anything?” I ask.

“My maternal grandmother was
German. She was also Pentecostal. She used the word Lugner a lot. In German it
translates to “Deceiver.” Pretty ironic name for a lawyer, you think?” Joe
answers. Then he gets a look of real concern on his face. “Louise, are you
okay? You just went white, like a ghost.”

I have lost all peripheral vision.
There is a ringing in my ears. Deceiver. I knew he was an angel in Hell. I just
didn’t realize he was the angel of Hell. I can’t breathe. I need to get out of
here. I fucked up. I fucked up so badly. I must get out of here. I get up and
head for the door. I am met by Suzy, the great bitch of the west. “Get out of
my way!” I say to her.

“I don’t think so,” she replies,
and she reaches out and locks the door. When she glares at me this time, her
eyes shine red, like tiny embers from a fire are burning inside of her.

“I knew you were too horrible to be
human!” I scream as I turn around and run straight into Joe again.

“Louise, what is happening?” Joe is
now frightened too.

“Joe, I am so sorry,” I plead
through my fresh sobs. “But Lugner is the…” I don’t have time to finish. The
door to Lugner’s office blows open and out he comes in all his glory. His wings
unfurled and very visible to all of us.

The damned.

Because we are in his kingdom.

Satan has arrived.

Joe screams next to me, and I push
him behind me. I look up at Lugner and say as bravely as I can, “Let us go,
Lugner. You won’t win today.”

He looks at me and his eyes are
filled with so much hatred. There is an overwhelming sense of malice in his
voice as he practically spits his words out. “Perhaps you are right, Ms.
Patterson. But I cannot allow you to leave my part of the neighborhood for a
second time without getting the authentic Hell experience.” Then he realizes
all of my nightmares. He rains fire down on us like a summer shower. Screams
are heard from all over the building, and I am pretty sure some of them were
mine. People start scattering around, running up to windows and doors, beating
on them, trying to break through. The heat is overwhelming now and the flames
are licking at us. Lugner is now high above us, and I cannot look up to see him
without going blind. Suzy is laughing as she stands at Lugner’s feet. I want to
punch her, to feel her face against my fist. But I can’t. Joe is now
unconscious from the smoke and the flames and probably the fear. I see that
someone has broken through the door and people have started spilling out into
the street.

I grab Joe by his collar and drag
him out. “You’ll be okay. I’m so sorry. You’ll be okay.” It’s my mantra as I
get him out into the street. I stand there and scream both inside my head and
outside. “Gabby! Send help! Please!”

I start to scan the folks standing
on the street, sitting on the curb, or lying on the sidewalk. Linda is not
here. I look back at the building that used to say “Davis, Morgan, and Lugner.
Now it is just a ball of fire. I put my head down, scream to release the
tension, and dive back into the building.

The smoke is now suffocating. The
heat hits me like a wall as I run through the building looking for the
conference room. I go by something that looks like it might be a kitchen, and
then a restroom, and finally a conference room. It is engulfed in fire and I
can barely see. I walk through feeling my skin burning and my nose is filled
with the stench of burning hair. I finally see a shape in the darkness and I
move closer. Linda has passed out, her poor old body splayed across the table
with burning files surrounding her like candles at a vigil.

I am able to lift her. She is very
light. One of the benefits to living into your 90s. I carry her outside and try
to force some fresh air into her. I lean over her, sobbing and holding on to
her for dear life. “I am so sorry,” I say to her. “I don’t want to leave you here.
I don’t want you to suffer.” I wish that her eyes would open and she would see
me. If I could explain everything maybe it would make sense to her. Maybe it
would make sense to me.

There are hands on my shoulder. I
look up and see Will. “Will! You are here!” I stand to grab him and hold him so
tight that I think at that moment we were one person.

“Of course we are here. We wouldn’t
let you do this on your own,” he says with so much kindness that I’m reduced to
tears again.

“We?” I ask. “Who else is here?”

“Look over there,” he says with a
wide smile.

I look where he is pointing and see
Gabby. Beautiful Gabby doing what angels are supposed to do. She is not making
coffee or making sure everyone is on time. Today she is not a glorified coffee
maker or alarm clock. Today she is an archangel! Suddenly I understand all the
terror, but also the sheer awe that archangels inspire. Today Gabby’s wrath is
unleashed, and I am more thankful than I can describe that she’s doing it on my
behalf. She flies over the law office and with a wave of her hand the fire goes
out, then she turns to face the Devil. I see Lugner standing on the street,
looking almost frightened. He waits until she lands and starts mending the
wounded before he disappears. “So much for his kingdom,” I say, and Will
laughs.