Redemption: Alchemy Series Book #4 (20 page)

It was late and the only light in the penthouse was from the fireplace giving a warm glow to the room. I settled down onto the couch, not ready to sleep, my thoughts still spinning. He sat down on the opposite side of the same couch, facing me.

I leaned my head along the back and waited.

"What happened outside? Where did all those rippers come from?"

"I needed to get rid of some of the magical energy. I went to a clear area and pushed it out. When I opened my eyes, you, the rippers, and the
changed
were all there. You said I called you, but I don't remember doing anything to call any of you, or the rippers."

I pulled my knees to my chest and wrapped my arms around them.

"I was just leaving the hall when it happened. It was like a beacon, calling me to your spot. I looked around and I saw every
changed
in the area perk up, and I knew we were all feeling it." His arm reached in my direction along the back of the couch, and even though we weren't talking about us, the tension hung in the air.

"I don't have an explanation."

"I know. I noticed the surprise on your face when you saw us. By the way, were you really going to try and just sneak back in?"

"Maybe?" A nervous giggle slipped out and lightened the mood slightly. "What happened to you all these months? Where did you go?"

It was the first real opening I'd given him to discuss what had happened. I felt beaten down by the fresh loss of Sabrina and all my ideas about being strong and staying separate from him didn't seem to matter anymore. I wanted comfort.

I watched him and waited, hoping he would say something that I could live with. I was done looking for perfection, I just needed something that I could hang my hat on, that would let me forgive him.

He ran his hand through his hair, looking as tired as me for once.

"Do you remember the day before I left?"

Of course I did. I could recall every second of that day. I'd replayed those moments over and over again. I thought back to that time, shortly after the influx of new Fae and wolves. It had been a blur of activity but I remembered every word, action and gesture. How many times had I tried to analyze what went wrong?

I wouldn't admit to that so I shrugged, trying to make less of it than it was. "What about it?"

"Do you remember the last time in the conference room?"

"Yes."

I played with a loose thread on my pants. How could I forget? Burrom had just left the room and Cormac followed him to the door, I thought to say a few final words, until he shut it and locked it. He'd walked to me and I hadn't been sure what he was about to do until he was tearing my clothes off and pressing into me the next second. The only word for it was primal.

"I wasn't myself."

"It sure felt like you."

"I was out of control."

"I didn't think you were that different than you were any of the other times." There was always something animalistic about being with Cormac.

"The other times, I could have chosen to pull back. When I threatened Vitor in that meeting, if he hadn't backed down, I would've have killed him. I wasn't thinking, I was reacting."

"Where did you go when you left?"

"I went out into the desert
, where there were no humans, just rippers. Then I stopped fighting the changes, and completely relinquished control." His face was in deep concentration. "I don't even remember the first two months."

"Nothing?"

"When I think back, there are small snippets, but most of it is just gone."

"You said the first two months
, but what about the last?"

He leaned forward a bit.

"After the first two months, I woke up one morning completely coherent. My clothes were ripped to shreds. There were a few dead, bloodied ripper bodies around me but I was aware."

"I still don't understand what happened. Why you did this." I leaned forward in the darkly lit room and stared at his face, searching for answers.

"In the beginning, when it first happened, I'd felt the magic gnawing at me. I'd manage to keep it at bay, to remain in control. I was afraid if I let it in, who knew what I could become. You've seen what it does to some people."

Neither of us spoke Sabrina's name, but nonetheless, it was there in the room with us.

"I'd fought it for so long that when the wave of magic swept in that last time it opened, I knew I was done. I was slipping. I could feel myself reacting and I had almost no control over what I was doing."

"But you're okay now?" I needed him to be.

"I feel different, but in control."

"So it's done? You
’re normal now?"

"Sort of."

I wrapped my arms a little tighter around my legs, not overly reassured by that description.

"You don't need to be alarmed. I'm still me, just…more."

"How?" I'd already recognized some of the changes but I wanted to hear it from him.

"Like you guessed a while ago, I don't need to sleep. That was one of the first changes. My body regenerates while I'm awake. My cells and tissues are denser which makes me harder to hurt, and I hear better. I'm everything I used to be
, but somehow more."

"How do you disappear?"

He laughed a little. "I don't really disappear. I can push my body to speeds that are hard to see in small bursts."

"But you're okay now
? You aren't going to go crazy again?" What I really wanted to ask was you aren't going to leave again. At the heart of it, it was the question I needed the answer to most.

"No." He'd slowly moved closer to me as we'd talked. His one arm was relaxed on the back of the couch as his other hand started to rub my bent leg. I watched it move up and down, not sure what I was going to do.

"I waited another month just to make sure I was in control again, that I wouldn't be a danger to you."

His hand, now near my hip, slowly slipped downward again, wrapped around my ankle, pulling my leg straight until my right calf was flush against his hip. His palm then moved further up my leg until it was gripping my hip, his other hand supporting himself as he leaned forward.

I pressed my palm against his chest. "Cormac." Everything I was feeling was wrapped into his name.

His hand pushed a blond lock out of my face and he rubbed the back of his fingers along my cheek.

"I didn't want to leave you."

I kept the tension in my arm, not pushing him away, but slowing him when he would've pressed in further.

"How do I know it won't happen again?" I needed something, anything. I couldn't knowingly go through that again.

His eyes grew sad and the corner of his lips turned down. "You don't. Nobody knows what will happen. The only thing I can promise is that I won't do it because I want to leave you. I never wanted to leave you."

He moved in closer and tugged my hips, pulling me snug beneath his. I didn't push him off of me but I kept my hands flat on his chest between us.

"I begged you to not leave." I looked up at his face, willing him to give me something to hang on to. Anything.

"I know it was hard for you."

I hadn't shared my feelings with anyone. It had crushed me but I'd suffered alone.

He must have read my expression.

"People talk. You can't always hide what you're going through."

I turned my head and pushed at him embarrassed that while he'd thought of nothing for two months, I'd barely held myself together. And according to unknown sources, I hadn't done it very well. "Get off. I want to get up." But he didn't budge.

His chest pressed down against me as his hands cupped my face, forcing me to look at him.

"Jo, the very second I became myself again, all I thought of was getting back to you. Do you really want to give up what we have because of fear? Control is only an illusion. I could sit here and tell you we'll be together forever, but I'd be lying. No one knows what will be. Don't throw this away." His thumb ran along my jaw as his mouth dipped down and nibbled at my lips before he retreated again. "I've lived thousands of years and never felt like this." He dipped his head again, his body fitting firmer to mine. "I didn't know I
could
feel like this." His left hand reached down and under the back of my knee, arching it up. His grip ran down the length of my thigh before stopping at my hip.

"I need you." His voice was aching and raw and undid me.

"Promise me you won't leave."

"But I told you…"

"Promise me."

He froze. "I would do it again if I thought I might hurt you."

"Promise me." The feelings between us were quickly changing from heated passion, to anger on my part and frustration on his. "I can't be with someone that is going to disappear on me. I have enough issues." I pushed hard, sliding myself upward and he moved off of me.

"I can't make that promise." He spoke through a clenched jaw as he stood up, putting distance between us.

"You need to."

"Hey." We both turned to see Dark standing in the door with the baby.

"Do you ever knock anymore?" I knew the terseness in his voice was for me even though he was speaking to Dark.

"Dude, I live here now. This baby is making all sorts of crazy noises. It's freaking me out." His concern for the kid seemed to overrule any trepidation Dark had about interrupting.

Cormac walked over and took the swaddled baby, which Dark gingerly handed over.

"Anybody see Dodd yet?" You had to listen very closely but there was an undertone to Cormac's voice that I recognized. He was more concerned about Dodd than he wanted to let on. It could only mean one thing; he thought there was a chance Dodd wouldn't be back.

"No. Crash said he hit them up for some of the special ammo and disappeared." Dark shoved his free hands into his pockets and rocked on his heels.

My heart squeezed a little as I saw how the baby didn't cry or fuss at all now that Cormac was cradling him.

"He's upset," I said. "He's probably just blowing off some steam."

"Go see if you can find him," Cormac said to Dark. "Find Chip. He might be able to help."

Cormac walked back into the room as Dark took off.

"He needs time."

Cormac sat on the couch with the baby. "He doesn't get to have time. We need everyone."

I pulled my legs up underneath me and refused to believe we might not see Dodd again.

"We don't know how many people the senator has and we've got thousands here capable of fighting."

He lowered his eyes but I saw the dread in them before he did.

"Do you know something?" I angled myself, trying to catch his evasive stare. "Cormac. What do you know?"

"They're already packing."

"Who?"

"From the sounds of it? More than half the castle. Every Fae that is immune to the rippers and every wolf as well."

"What about the
changed
?"

"Not that I've heard. They look like they are staying, at least for now."

I got to my feet, as he stayed seated with the baby.

"Where are you going?"

"I have to see for myself." Months of busting my ass trying to keep everyone fed and safe and things get a little rough and they pack their bags less than a day later?

"Want me to go with you? I'll call Colleen to watch him." He nodded down to the baby in his arms.

"I need to do this on my own." I needed to do this alone. Maybe it was because he wouldn't promise to stay. It could've been that I was the one who for three months worried about how I was going to keep everything together for them. If they were leaving, it would hit me somewhere deep inside and I wasn't ready to share the experience.

He nodded, a look I took to be understanding in his eyes.

Chapter Seventeen

Every Man for Himself

I stepped into Vitor's domain. It was the third floor I'd visited in the last fifteen minutes and it was the exact same scene as the other two that held the wolves. Doors were opening as people came and went, hustling to pack their boxes in what looked to be a mass exodus.

I took the well-worn path to Vitor's suite. The door was wide open but I tapped on it anyway to announce my arrival.

His gaze flew to me, then turned back to the three Fae next to him and he motioned to the door. They looked from him to me and nodded, exiting quickly.

I heard the door close quietly behind me as I took in the room. Drawers and closets were open and empty, their contents piled into boxes or in neat little stacks as they waited to be packed.

"I kept your sister here, and all the other Fae refugees, when we were overflowing with too many mouths to feed and very little room left. This is how you repay me?" I asked, my voice starting to rise by the end.