Reckless Heart (Kauffman Amish Bakery 5.5) (21 page)

“
Ya
,” Kathryn said. “That’s a
gut
idea. We’ll bring back something for everyone. Just let us know what you want to drink.”

Titus looked up at their aunt. “You’re going to the cafeteria?”

“
Ya
,” Kathryn said, pushing his hair back. “I was thinking that you might be thirsty.”

Titus looked hopeful. “Could I possibly get something to eat?”

“Didn’t you have lunch?” Kathryn asked.

“
Ya
,” he said. “But I’m still hungry.”

“
Ya
,” Kathryn said, touching his shoulder. “We’ll get you something to eat.” She turned to Lydia. “What can we bring back for you?”

Lydia shrugged. “I guess some iced tea or water.”

“Okay.” Kathryn looked at her parents. “What about you?”

After everyone had put in their requests, Amanda, Kathryn, and Titus headed toward the desk to ask where they could find the cafeteria, and soon they disappeared from the waiting room.

Her grandparents sat together on a small sofa and spoke to each other quietly while a news program sounded from the television suspended on the wall in front of them. Lydia rubbed Irma’s back and hummed to her while she looked across the waiting room at the other groups of people. Her mind swirled with questions and worries for her sister.

Soon the doors opened with another
whoosh
and another group of friends and relatives stepped through the doors. Lydia saw her uncle David, her aunt Rebecca, and her cousins moving toward her. Her heart flip-flopped when she saw Joshua’s face in the group. His eyes searched the waiting area and then settled on her, looking concerned.

Joshua crossed the waiting room and stood in front of Lydia. “How’s Ruthie?”

“We don’t know yet.” Lydia fiddled with Irma’s long braids. “My parents are back there with her, but we haven’t heard anything yet. I know they’ve run some tests. We’re waiting for the results.”

He dropped into the chair next to Lydia. “I got here as soon as I heard the news. I’m sorry I wasn’t there when the
ambulance came. A group of us were playing volleyball and it took us awhile to notice everyone was leaving and heading to your farm.”

“It’s okay,” Lydia said, looking down at Irma, who was squirming.

“I want to get up,” Irma said, sitting up straight. “My back hurts.” She looked across the waiting room and her eyes lit up when another group of relatives came into the waiting room. “Can I go over there and sit with them?”

“
Ya
,” Lydia said. “Just listen to
Aenti
Sadie. Remember we need to behave in the hospital.”

Irma nodded.

Their grandparents exchanged looks and then stood.

“Irma,”
Mammi
began, “we’ll walk over with you and let the adults know what’s going on.”

Irma took
Mammi’s
hand and they headed over to the family and friends who were waving to them. They found a large open area of empty seats and sat down together while the children stared wide-eyed at the television.

Lydia was thankful the community had come to support her family, but she didn’t feel like talking with them. Sitting alone with Joshua was all she craved at the moment instead of a barrage of questions she couldn’t answer.

Joshua reached over and took Lydia’s hand in his. “How are you?” His skin was rough from his hard work on his father’s farm, but it was also warm and comforting.

Lydia shook her head with confusion. “I don’t know how I am. I feel sort of numb while I sit here waiting to see what happens next. Lately my life is a series of stressful events tied together by the rising and setting sun.” She studied his handsome face and longed for the air to be cleared between them. “Why are you here?”

His eyes studied hers. “Why do you think?”

“I didn’t think you cared,” she whispered.

“You’re wrong,” Joshua said, squeezing her hand. “I do care and I told you that the other night when we talked. I’ve always cared.”

“I’m glad to hear that,” Lydia said. “Who drove you here?”

“Daniel’s driver brought a group in his van, and Mr. Anderson brought a few of us in his wife’s car,” Joshua said, leaning back in the chair. “Your
English freind
is bringing another group of church members out in his father’s big truck. He went back to the house to pick up more people. He called his
dat
to tell him he’d be back to get another group.”

“Tristan’s making another trip?” Lydia asked.

“That’s what I said.”

She smiled. “He’s a very nice person.”

Joshua seemed to frown. “His
dat
wanted me to tell you that Tristan would be back to check on the family after making another run. I think he and his father are going to come up to see how everyone is.”

“That’s really thoughtful,” Lydia said. Then they were silent, and she stared up at the television screen. But the news program was only background noise to her worries. She was thankful to have the reassurance of Joshua’s warm hand.

Lydia looked across the waiting area. It warmed her heart to see members of her family and her church waiting for news of her sister. She studied Irma as she sat with her cousins, talking quietly and smiling. She hoped that someday she would see Ruthie at school, learning to read and write in the classroom and talking and giggling with her cousins and friends on the playground. Lydia wanted to see Ruthie in her classroom, smiling at Lydia from her little desk.

Then it hit her like a thousand bales of hay falling from the
loft in the barn: Lydia
did
want to be the teacher. She could see herself in front of the class, leading them in their recitation of the multiplication tables. Although she’d doubted that she belonged in the classroom full time, she now knew she did want to be there instead of in the bakery every day.

The realization was overwhelming, causing Lydia to suck in a deep breath.

“Are you okay?” Joshua asked, his voice soft and smooth in her ear, sending warmth cascading down her spine.

“
Ya
,” Lydia said. “I was just thinking about Ruthie and hoping she would someday be in school with the rest of the children.”

“I think she will be,” Joshua said, squeezing her hand again. “Just have faith.”

“I do,” she said. “I really do.”

He sat up straight and gestured across the room. “Your parents.”

Dropping her grip on his hand, Lydia jumped up and headed toward her mother and father, who stood with the large group of family members and friends in the center of the waiting room.

W
hile her mother frowned, her father rubbed her back and spoke to everyone who’d come to offer support.

Lydia approached her parents with Joshua right behind her. “What’s going on?” she asked, her voice sounding thin and foreign to her.

“Lydia,” her mother said, turning to her. “
Kumm
.” She took Lydia’s hand and led her back toward the big double doors. “Ruthie has double pneumonia. It’s a very serious case.”

Lydia gripped her mother’s hand. “What are they going to do?”

Mamm
nodded at a nurse sitting behind the counter, and then the doors opened automatically. “
Kumm
,” she said.

Her mother pulled Lydia into a busy hallway. Women and men dressed in similar nursing smocks and pants and clad in white coats with their names embroidered on them moved past each other, all rushing as if they needed to take care of a very important patient.

“How are they going to make her better?” Lydia asked.

Mamm
kept her eyes glued to the hallway in front of
them. “The doctor has called Ruthie’s cancer doctor, and he wants to move her to Hershey once she’s stable.”

“Stable?” Lydia asked.

“She’s having a very hard time breathing,”
Mamm
said. “They have her on oxygen and she’s getting an IV of very strong medicine. Once she seems to be breathing better and has some medicine in her, they’ll move her.”

Lydia felt her lips tremble, but she willed herself to be strong for her mother. She didn’t want to cause her mother more stress.

“This is her room,”
Mamm
said, stopping in front of a doorway. “She’s asked for you, which is why I came to get you. I need you to promise me you’ll be as strong as you can be,
ya
?”

Lydia took a deep, cleansing breath while wondering if her mother had read her thoughts. “I’ll do my best.”

“Gut.”
Mamm
took both of Lydia’s hands and squeezed them. “Ruthie is going to be okay. Just remember that and try your best to smile and act like you’re certain she’ll be just fine. This is the best way we can keep her faith strong.”

“Okay.”

Mamm
pushed open the door, and Lydia stepped into the small room, finding her baby sister in the center of another bed that seemed too large for her tiny body. Even the prayer covering seemed too large on her fragile-looking, bald head. Lydia couldn’t help thinking Ruthie resembled an old, worn-out rag doll. Her eyes were closed, and a tube was sticking out of her tiny arm. A clear mask was on her little face, and a machine hummed.

Trying in vain to stop her tears, Lydia lowered herself into a chair beside the bed and took Ruthie’s hand in hers. Ruthie stirred but didn’t wake up.

Mamm
sat in a chair on the other side of the bed. “The doctor said she is very tired from the illness and the excitement of the ambulance ride.”

Lydia again felt as if her world was coming apart as she studied her baby sister, who looked so weak. She stroked Ruthie’s little hand.

“I think she wants to hear your voice,”
Mamm
said. “She needs to know you’re here with her.”

“Ruthie,” she began. “It’s Lydia.
Mamm
said you wanted to see me. I hope you’re feeling better. You gave us a real scare, but the doctor said you’re going to be just fine. A lot of people are here in the hospital waiting room—they all came for you. All of our aunts, uncles, cousins, and most of our
freinden
from church are already here, and Joshua told me more people are on their way. You have to get better so you can visit with them when you feel up to it. You know they’ll want to come by the
haus
and see you when you come home.”

Ruthie turned her head toward Lydia and opened her eyes.

“Hi, there,” Lydia said as a tear trickled down her cheek. “You need to get better,
ya
?”

Nodding her head, Ruthie weakly squeezed Lydia’s hand.

Lydia sucked in a breath and smiled at her sister. They sat in silence for several minutes. The only sounds were the buzz and hiss of the machine and the occasional deep, barky cough from Ruthie’s little mouth.

Lydia began to babble about everything she wanted to do with Ruthie when she was better, such as teaching her how to sew and how to write her name. She told Ruthie about the storybook she’d read to Irma in the waiting area. She prattled on and on until she was out of words.

Finally,
Mamm
leaned over. “Ruthie, I think you need to get more sleep. Why don’t you close your eyes,
mei liewe
?”

Ruthie closed her eyes. Soon, her breathing changed, and she let go of Lydia’s hand.

“Let’s allow her to sleep in peace,” their
mamm
whispered. “I think it helped her to see you and hear your voice. Maybe that will give her some strength to tell her body to get better.” She gestured toward the door. “Let’s head back out to the waiting area.”

When they arrived, the group of family members and friends seemed to have doubled in size. She spotted more cousins, along with friends. Lydia hugged her mother and stepped farther into the waiting room, while her father took
Mamm’s
hand and walked with her back toward Ruthie’s room. Lydia wished her father would acknowledge her, but she had to let that worry go for today. Right now her focus was Ruthie.

“Lydia,” Joshua said as he emerged from the sea of faces. “Let’s go talk in private.”

He took her hand and led her to a quiet, uninhabited area, around the corner and away from the group. They stood all alone, out of sight from the members of their community.

He opened his arms, and Lydia stepped into them, wrapping her arms around his neck and burying her face into his shoulder. With his strong arms around her, she let down her guard, allowing all of her stress and worries to pour out of her. She inhaled his musky scent and gripped him as if her life depended on his comforting embrace. She took deep breaths until she felt as if she was in control of her raging emotions.

“She has pneumonia,” Lydia said, keeping her head on his muscular shoulder. “She looks so tiny and so pale.”

Joshua rubbed her back. “I’m so sorry.”

“She looks so
grank
. She’s hooked up to an IV with medicine, and she has an oxygen mask on,” Lydia continued, her voice trembling. “Her cancer doctor wants her at the hospital in Hershey, so they are going to treat her here and then move her. That means she’ll be away from home again. I can’t bear the thought of her and my
mamm
going away again. I know Ruthie has to go and stay there to get better, but we’ll miss them so much.” Her tears began to flow again, and she buried her face in his shoulder while he held her close.

“She’ll be fine,” Joshua whispered. “Keep your faith, Lydia. Don’t let it go. You have to be strong for your parents and your brother and sisters.”

“I know I have to be strong,” she said. “Everyone tells me that all the time. But, honestly, it’s just too much for me to handle anymore. Every time I think things are going to get better, something bad happens. I’m tired of trying to be strong when I’m dying inside. I feel like my world is upside down. Everything is crumbling around me.”

“Your world isn’t crumbling,” he said. “I won’t let it crumble. You have people to help you. I promise you I’ll be by your side from this moment on.”

She looked up at him and he wiped away her tears with the tip of his finger. She stared into his eyes, and her heart turned over in her chest.

“I’ve missed you,” she whispered. “I’m so sorry for everything I said to you.”

“Shhhh,” he said, placing his finger on her lips. “Don’t apologize. And I’ve missed you too.” He frowned. “You were right. I’ve been a lousy
freind
. I haven’t been around when you needed me most. I’m sorry for that, but I’m here now.” He pointed to two empty seats by the window. “Let’s sit.”

Holding her hand, Joshua led her to the chairs, and they sat beside each other.

“I’m so sorry about everything,” Lydia apologized again, still gripping his warm hand. “I was wrong to be so hard on you.”

“It’s all in the past,” he said.

“No,” she continued. “I owe you an explanation about the night I drank with Mahlon and his
freinden
. I never should’ve done it, but I was just so tired and stressed out about everything at home. Ruthie was getting sicker and sicker, and my parents were on edge all the time. You weren’t there and neither was Amanda. And I missed both of you. Mahlon invited me to join him and his
freinden
, and I wasn’t thinking clearly.”

“I know,” Joshua said. “I had assumed that’s why you did it, because it wasn’t like you at all.”

“I felt horrible when I got home.”

He looked at her with a curious expression. “Why didn’t you tell me? Why did you keep it to yourself?”

Lydia frowned. “I was afraid to tell you. We used to share everything, but you stopped talking to me when Ruthie got sick. You were always too busy, and I felt alone.”

He squeezed her hand. “I’m so sorry. I should’ve reached out to you, but after my
grossdaadi
injured his back, we were running over to his house all the time. I was exhausted from working on both farms. It’s no excuse, but it’s the truth.”

She studied his eyes. “Why did you defend me to Mahlon?”

“Because I didn’t want to see you get in trouble. You’ve been going through enough with your
schweschder
and so have your parents.” His gaze was intense. “I wanted to believe you’d made a mistake but you were still the sweet,
loyal, and innocent
maedel
I knew. I also wanted to believe that nothing was going on between you and Mahlon.”

“I’m still that
maedel
,” she said softly. “And nothing is going on between Mahlon and me—nothing at all. I promise you.”

“
Gut
,” Joshua said with a smile. “That’s what I’d hoped was true.”

“But I deserve to be punished,” she whispered. “I was wrong and I should face the consequences.”

“We can worry about facing consequences for your past mistakes later.” He gently squeezed her hand again for emphasis. “Right now I’m just worried about Ruthie and I want to be here for you so you can be strong for your family.”

Warmth gathered in her belly at the sound of the word
we
. Did this mean she had a chance with him? But what about the girl from Gordonville?

His expression remained intense. “Do you have feelings for Tristan?”

“No,” she said with a shake of her head. “We’re only
freinden
, and now that I’m going to apply to become the teacher, I’m going to be sure our friendship is inconspicuous. If I see him on the street, I’ll say hello, but that will be it. I won’t be spending any time with him at his
haus
again.”

Joshua raised his eyebrows. “You’re going to try to become the teacher? Is Barbie leaving?”

“
Ya
, but it’s a secret. She’s planning to be married in the fall, and she told me to talk to the school board about the job.”

“That’s
wunderbaar
!” Joshua said. “I’m so
froh
for you.”

“
Danki
,” Lydia said, studying his expression. “I have to ask you something.”

“Anything,” he said.

“Are you seeing a girl from Gordonville?” She bit her bottom lip while she awaited the answer.

“A girl from Gordonville?” he asked, looking confused. “Who are you —?” Then his eyes brightened with recognition. “Are you talking about Mary Fisher?”

“I don’t know her last name, but Nancy and Amanda told me you’d been talking to a girl named Mary from Gordonville at a few youth gatherings. I felt so out of touch with everyone. I hate that I missed so many youth gatherings.”
I was afraid I’d lost you
. Her heart pounded with worry as she awaited his response.

“No,” he said. “I’m not seeing her. She talked to me a few times, and it turned out that I knew some of her friends, since I’ve met them at my grandparents’ house. But I’m not seeing her or anyone else.”

Lydia breathed a sigh of relief, and then her cheeks burned when she realized he’d seen it.

“We’d better get back before your cousins start looking for you.” Joshua stood and tugged her hand as she stood up. “I’m sorry for giving you the impression that I didn’t care.”

“I’m sorry too.”

He pulled her to him. “I promise I’ll be a better
freind
.”

“I will too,” she said, hugging him and enjoying the strength and comfort his embrace provided.

He put his finger under her chin, and lifted her face so she was looking up at him. Leaning down, he brushed his lips against hers, sending the pit of her belly into a wild swirl and rendering her breathless.

“We’d better go back before they come searching for you,” he said, running his finger down her cheekbone.

Unable to speak, Lydia nodded with her eyes wide in surprise.

Taking her hand, Joshua led her back to the waiting room, where her friends and family members still gathered.

“There you are,” Amanda said, sidling up to her and holding out a Styrofoam cup. “I’ve been looking for you. This is your iced tea.”

“
Danki
,” Lydia said, taking the cup.

Joshua leaned over. “I’m going to talk to my parents. They’re over there with a few other friends.”

“Okay,” Lydia said. “I’ll be here with Amanda.”

Joshua headed over to where his parents were sitting.

“You two are getting awfully cozy,” Amanda said with a grin.

Lydia sipped the cool beverage.
You have no idea
. “He’s been really supportive.”

Nancy stepped over to them. “I noticed you and Joshua are getting reacquainted. That’s
gut
to see.”

Lydia smiled. “
Ya
, we have. Things are going to be okay. I really believe that now.”

Amanda hugged her. “
Ya
, I believe that too.”

While talking to her cousins, Lydia felt a tap on her shoulder. Turning, she found Tristan standing behind her. “Tristan! You’re back.”