Reason Is You (9781101576151) (8 page)

“Not particularly.”

He laughed. “What do you prefer?”

“Something this decade.”

I was in full meltdown, and I faced her so it would look like she was talking to me.

“Riley, keep your voice down. Alex, please don’t do this today. I’m begging you.”

“Do what?” Riley asked.

“None ya,” I hissed.

“None ya?”
She backed up a step. “My God, that’s so eighties.”

“I don’t really give a shit what decade it is, Riley. Not everything is your business.”

She held up a hand. “Damn, Mom. Chill.”

I was about over the top, stepping forward to tell her just how chilled I was, when Alex said calmly, “Maybe you should get in the car, Riley.”

“Excuse me?” she asked, bowed up. “Who the hell—”

Shelby walked out at that precise moment and that was it.

“Get in the car,” I said, my voice cracking. “Now.”

She knows that sound. The sound of my sanity scratching down a chalkboard. She huffed and sulked and slammed the door.

“Looks like you got your hands full with that one,” Shelby said as she sauntered to her car.

Adrenaline shook me head to toe, and I turned and got in the car without another word.

“Mom,” Riley said when I started it up. “Is he not gonna move?”

“He’ll move.” And as my car went in motion, he smoothly stepped away and walked down the street.

She scoffed as she turned to watch him. “What is his problem?” she asked. “What is
yours
, for that matter?”

“Just too much, okay?” I said as I ran my fingers through suddenly sweaty hair. “Too much of this day. I’ve had enough.”

“What’s with this guy, Alex?”

“Nothing.”

She blew out a breath. “Whatever.”

“Yeah, whatever.” Okay, jump the shark. Rip the Band-Aid off. “Do you ever notice—people that others don’t seem to?”

“What?”

“Like the guy in the store? Flip-flop guy?”

She blinked a couple of times and stared at me like I was insane. “I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?”

She shrugged. “Maybe, I don’t know. I’m more observant than most people.”

There’s a spin. “More observant.”

“Yeah. Why?”

“I—never mind.”

My head throbbed, my stomach was rebelling against the Cheetos, and I didn’t have the stamina.

“Mom, you’re acting like a freak.”

I rubbed at my face. “So be it, Riley. I’ve earned the right.”

We pulled through the drive, and I stopped, got out, and went in. I was done. For starting on such a good note, the day had officially kicked my ass.

I
spent the evening out on the dock alone, sort of. On purpose. I’d had enough of other people for one day, and just wanted the quiet sounds of the water trickling through the cattails and swamp grass.

I wandered down the road first, to my old cove, Bojangles at my heels. It was clear that not too many others shared my feelings about Coffee Ground Cove because it was highly overgrown and difficult to get through the vines and growth. There was one path down to the dock, and only one side of the dock that was still sturdy enough to hold weight. As I looked around, I tried not to let disappointment settle over me. You can never go back, I guess. But in my heart it would always be magical.

Bojangles, on the other hand, kept staring at the ground as if ticks were ready to ambush him, so we headed back to our own dock. He looked tickled shitless to have company at his favorite spot. He lay at my side, sprawled on his belly with his head slightly
over the edge of the dock so he could watch the ladyfish and shad swim just under the surface.

If I’d had bread crumbs to throw out, the water would churn in a frenzy and he’d jump up and wag his tail and bark at them. But today, there was no bread, no frenzy, no barking. Just peace. He seemed good with it. I was envious of that.

Simple lack of activity, and he was fine either way. No stress. No decisions other than where to walk, where to pee, when to sleep or eat.

“Damn dog.”

Bojangles lifted his head at the sudden break in the silence and tilted it. His tail wagged a couple of strokes, slow as if unsure. I dug my fingers in the soft hair of his neck to relax him back down before he decided to come sit on me. A long cattail swayed next to the dock, and I plucked it from its mucky roots. Letting the furry end just touch the surface, I skimmed the calm water, watching the resulting ripples resonate out. Forever changing something’s world for that one second.

I felt the footsteps behind me, and Bojangles’s tail went into full thump mode as he flopped awkwardly to his feet. I turned to see Dad walk up with two Cokes and a bag of pretzels.

“Hey.”

“Hey, yourself.” He scoped out the options, then groaned as he lowered himself down to sit as Bo danced around him and then sat between us. “Lord, I remember when getting on the ground didn’t require premeditation.”

I laughed and reached into the bag. We sat in silence for a bit as the duskiness fell over the water. Bojangles watched the pretzel bag till his eyes got heavy. Then I felt the gaze and looked to the right to catch my dad studying me.

“What?”

“You tell me.”

I shrugged. “Nothing.”

“
Nothing
doesn’t usually have you out here hanging with Bo.”

“He twisted my arm.”

Bojangles let out a long snore right about that time.

“Well, no one can deny his charm.”

I laughed a pretzel right out of my mouth on that one, and Bo simultaneously woke up and snatched it out of midair before he flopped back down to munch sideways.

“Wow.”

Dad held out the bag again. “Saw Marg today. Said you’re doing good. She likes you. And she doesn’t just like everybody, so that’s saying something.”

“She likes
you
.”

He took the bag back and shook his head. “Don’t be silly.”

“I’m saying she lights up like a Christmas tree when it comes to you.”

“So what happened to your car?”

I smiled. “Subtle.”

“Made a good impression on the new boss, huh?”

I blew out a breath and looked back toward where my car sat guiltily. “God, can’t anyone keep their mouth shut around here?”

“Pretty much no.”

I rubbed at my face, feeling the day’s twitch coming back. “You wondered why I sat with Bo? He wasn’t quizzing me.”

Dad chuckled. “Sorry.”

I ran a hand through my hair and let it fall. The dark swallowed up the water in front of me and I remembered being seventeen and wishing it would swallow me with it. I was careful not to look down, straight into the water beneath me. Night water was like the rain. Just waiting for me to succumb to it. Waiting for me to fall in so it could suck me down.

I shook my head free of the vertigo pulling at me. “Went out on the boat with Jiminy yesterday.”

There was a pause before he laughed. “No kidding?”

“Went out with Hank today.”

“Well, aren’t you just stepping outside your box?”

I grabbed a pretzel. “I think my box stayed in Dallas.” At his chuckle I added, “Jiminy knew me, by the way.”

He nodded. “He knew you when you were little.”

“He said you and him and Mom used to hang out.”

Another chuckle. “That seems like a hundred years ago.”

“Everything changed when she died, huh?”

He nudged me. “Just got busy. You know as well as I do how life changes when you have a baby. Everything you used to think was important becomes trivial.”

“Especially doing it alone.”

“Especially.”

“Still miss Mom?”

He took his time letting out the next breath. “Every day.”

“Me, too,” I said, although it barely came out. “I mean, it’s odd to miss someone you’ve never met. But I guess I miss the idea of her.”

“How does Riley handle that?”

I looked at him, confused by the turn.

“About her dad—”

“Oh.” Strange, that I’d never seen it as similar. “She—really hasn’t brought it up in a long time. She used to.”

“You still tell her you bought her at a store?”

“Hmm.” I laughed. “That was easier, wasn’t it?”

Funny that I could laugh about it now. Riley was five when I had to tell her she wasn’t
bought
. She had seen past that ruse and wanted the skinny. At that time, the story became that there was once a daddy but that he had to leave. It was always lame.

But how do you tell a child that the man who helped make her was a loser asshole who charmed her gullible mom. The kind of loser who says all the right things and drops hope and affection and “L” words in your lap and to someone as love-starved as I was, seemed to be lined in gold. The kind of loser who talks you into futures and picket fences and letting go of friends and possessions and everything to move into his fancy apartment, getting rid of your own stuff because it doesn’t match.

And then when you get pregnant, he looks at you, smiles, kisses you off to work, and while you are at work happily caught up in thoughts of a wedding and a family in your rosy-tinted world, he packs up everything and vanishes.

No clothes left behind. No toothbrush. No hair in the sink or drool stain on the pillow. Because there was no pillow. He took that, too.

No proof that he was ever there except for what you have cooking inside you. How do you tell your child that? That I know I’m not important enough to be graced like the Virgin Mary, I know I didn’t imagine six months of my life with this man, but he evidently fabricated a job, a name, an identity that I found out was all false.

An acquaintance of mine that had met him once at a restaurant with me did at least verify in my mind that he was real and living and that I hadn’t completely crossed over reality. But it didn’t matter. He left me without a trace. No note. No savings. No furniture or appliances. Just college loans and an apartment I couldn’t afford to keep.

Yeah, that was pretty real.

When Riley was twelve, she bluntly asked me,
So, do you really know who my dad is or was it a one-night stand?

Too much TV. Definitely.

A one-night stand,
I told her.

I just couldn’t bear to tell her that he was Houdini in Armani
and escaped when told of her existence. Let her think I was just sleazy. I just couldn’t tell her the truth.

Kinda like now.

“I tried to tell her about—the ghosts—today.”

I felt his head swivel. I swear. “Really.”

“Yeah.” I shoved another pretzel in my mouth and proceeded to talk around it. “Didn’t go so well. She thought I was a lunatic, which in hindsight she was probably right.”

“So she knows?”

“No. She didn’t catch on. I was a babbling idiot.”

“Do you—think you should, really?”

I blew out a sigh. “I’d love not to have to, but—” But what? My invisible friend tells me I should? “—But I don’t know. I’d rather she heard from me.”

He looked down. “Yeah. You’re probably right.”

“She tell you she got a job?”

“No.”

“At The Market. Just walked down there today and decided what the hell, I guess.”

“Hunh.” He chuckled. “Y’all have had a full day, haven’t you?”

“We had something. Well, at least she has the desire to get some money. That’s the first sign of ambition I’ve seen, yet. Usually she just holds a hand out.”

“What does she want to be?” he asked.

“A mooch, so far. She’s so lazy.”

He elbowed me, getting up slowly. “So were you, and you turned out okay.”

I rose with him, and Bojangles looked disappointed that the party was over.

“Yeah, I’m just the poster child for success.”

He gave me a look. “Quit being so hard on yourself. You’re doing fine.”

I looked out at the water, surrounded by dark, lit only by the partial moon and a radio tower in the distance.

“I don’t know, Dad. This brand of
fine
is beating me up.”

I sat cross-legged in the big chair in my room, looking out the window at the dark. I barely recall sitting there in earlier years. I was usually slung across my messy bed. Besides, it was Alex’s spot.

I ran a finger along the worn, fuzzy arm, tracing the pattern in the gray fabric.

“What are you doing?”

I looked up, proud of myself for not jumping. My old skin was coming back. But I wasn’t in the mood. Alex strolled closer and leaned against the window.

“Mad at me?”

I followed the lines with my finger. “Did you know this was a maze? Inside—”

“—A bigger maze.” He nodded and gave a sideways smirk. “Spent a lot of time there.”

I met his eyes. “So you should know better than anyone how hard I’m trying here. Trying to make things good for Riley.”

“Yes.”

“So popping up in public to make me dance like that was not cool.”

“Dani—” he began.

“You knew she’d see you and talk to you. You pick The Market parking lot for that? My God.”

His expression didn’t change. “If you were honest with her, you wouldn’t have to dance.”

I got up and stood just inches from him and stared up into his face. My head started buzzing at the proximity, and I had to back up a half step before I—
before I what?
I shook my head clear.

“I’ve had to dance my whole life. Knowing doesn’t make it easier.”

“You can’t be with her twenty-four-seven to protect her, Dani. I’m sure she’s done it before now, she’s just been damn lucky no one has noticed. She needs to know how to react to this, how to protect herself. Why don’t you want to give her that?”

“Because she’s sixteen. She shouldn’t have to
protect herself
. She shouldn’t have to worry about her reactions and who’s watching.” I hugged my arms in front of me, trying to stem the emotion rising up like the noise ringing in my ears. “Because once I tell her, the life she knows is over. Nothing will ever be the same for her.”

He frowned. “And you think you’re the only source? You’d rather she found out like you did? Have some stranger point it out?”

“So that’s what that whole dog-and-pony show was about today?”

He crossed his arms and looked at me in disbelief. “What are you so angry about?”