Reason Is You (9781101576151) (34 page)

I laughed, and then peeked under the sheet. “It’s already bigger than the box.”

“Your fault.”

He pulled me back up, and kissed me, then we lay face-to-face.

“So, why are you awake?” he asked. “Did I not exhaust you enough?”

I smiled. “Most definitely. I just have to go home in a little bit.”

“Am I hogging the bed?”

“No. I just live with my
dad
.”

“Ah. Forgot.”

I closed my eyes and smirked. “Really don’t want to have that conversation with him.”

“I understand.”

I scooted up to bury my face in his chest. “Mmm, but you smell so yummy.”

He pulled me tight to him and let his right hand wander from my ass to my breast. “You feel so yummy. And I don’t think I’ve used that word since I was six.”

I kissed his chest and his arm, loving the tightness of his skin over muscle. “Can we play again tomorrow night?”

“It already is tomorrow so how about tonight?”

“Sold.”

“You really have to go right now?”

I looked at the clock on his dresser. “I have about two hours before my dad gets up.”

He lifted my face and kissed me, rolling me over. “I only need one of those.”

I closed my car door with just a shove to make it click, and walked across the gravel, hearing the crunch and the crickets. Feeling thoroughly worn out and giddy, till the hairs stood up on the back of my neck. I looked up.

“Hey.”

I stopped in my tracks and dropped my keys. “Um—hey.”

Alex sat on the top porch step, looking like any other time. Except it wasn’t. I squatted to pick up my keys, feeling the dusty dirt on my fingers. Feeling the dusty dirt on my heart. Everything went heavy as I looked in his eyes. Even from ten feet away, I could see the sad.

“Late night?”

Punch to the gut. “Yeah,” I whispered, feeling the burn. I was gonna cry again. Damn it. “Alex—”

He shook his head and looked toward the river, blowing out a breath like it was a thought he wanted to be rid of. Then he looked back at me with his trademark grin.

“It’s okay, Dani.” He rubbed at his eyes quickly, then smiled again. “It’s how it’s supposed to be.”

I shook my head slowly, blinking the tears free to clear my vision. “Not for us. Not really.” I wiped at my eyes but they kept coming. “It’s always been you.” I flicked a hand his way. “Well, now I guess I know why, but still. It’s always been you.”

“Till now.”

Everything hurt. My chest was heavy, my head hurt, my heart hurt. “Till—now.”

“Come here. Up here.” He pointed at the swing as he stood.

I trudged up the stairs, feeling so bad. How could I go from being so happy to being so sad? I sat down and he kneeled in front of me, which was even worse because I was so close to him. So close to his face. I felt like an errant child. Or a cheating wife.

“I was worried about you after last week. After you saved—” I broke. “Oh God, Alex, you saved my baby.”

“I know.”

“She wants to thank you, too.”

He shook his head. “She doesn’t have to. I’d do it again a million more times.”

“Did it hurt you?” I asked. “I mean, why could the others see you?”

“The steady contact, I think. I—really don’t have another explanation. I didn’t know he could see me till he swam out there.” He met my eyes. “He’s a good guy, Dani.”

“I love you.”

I said it. To Alex. So easily. He breathed a little faster, as if taken off guard.

“Dani—”

“Alex, I’ve loved you my whole life.”

“And I’ve loved you.” I sucked in a breath and shut my eyes tight to the tears that threatened to take me down. “Please don’t cry, love.” Oh God, it would have been better if he hated me than calling me “love.” I wanted to die. “You haven’t done anything wrong.”

“Then why do I feel like I have?”

“Because you’re falling in love. Again.” As much as he fought it, tears came to his eyes, too. “And you think that’s wrong. But it’s not.” He ran a quick hand over his eyes. “We had a life, Sarah and I. And you and I have, too, in our own way. But we—can’t be that. I was the one for Sarah.” He swallowed. “Jason is the one for you.”

I cried harder, and he stood up as he started to, as well. He
walked to the banister with his back to me for a minute, and then turned back, better composed. And holding a white rose.

“You’re leaving me, aren’t you?” I choked out.

He knelt in front of me again. “I have to, love.”

“No.”

“It’s time.”

“Because of Jason?”

He shook his head. “Not just that. Because of you. Because you have a chance now. The town knows. Jason knows. You have a chance at a real life, with a real man.” His voice cracked on the last words, and I blinked free a whole new wave of tears.

“Where are you going?”

“I don’t know. Whatever’s next.”

“But—”

“Listen to me, Dani.” He closed his eyes for a second, as if to get his thoughts together. When he opened them again, I saw it was to get his heart together. “I need you to know that it has been you. You.” He touched my cheek with the flower. “Not Sarah.”

“What do you mean?”

“I stayed here for Sarah, years ago. I thought you’d be her, but you weren’t. The girl and the woman that became my best friend—” He stopped, breaking under the emotion. “Was you. I will never—ever—let that go.”

I was a mess. A sobbing, wet mess. “Alex, please don’t go.”

“Stand up.”

“What?”

He stood and motioned me to do the same. I stood, facing him, only inches away.

“You felt a little of this the other night, so you know—this will jerk you around a little.”

My head spun. It was all happening too fast.

“What? What are you—”

“I have to kiss you good-bye.” I was speechless. He was serious. “I’m not supposed to. I wasn’t supposed to push you up or pull Riley out of the water, either. But I—can’t leave without it. And I’m just letting you know it’s gonna hurt a little.”

“Wait!” I cried. “Not yet. Can’t we do this later or tomorrow or—” I scrambled for more time.

“No.”

“Why?” I whined.

He ran the rose under my chin. “Because Jason is coming. And you’re his now.”

I looked around. “What?”

“Make it count, love. It’s all we’ve got.”

“Wait, Alex—” I croaked, my voice all squeaky. But there was no more time.

Alex crossed the inches, gave me one split second to look into his eyes, then his hands cradled my face at the same moment his lips touched mine. It was a jolt, like before, but different because I was trying to feel him. Electricity and light and emotion and memories flashed through my body like bombs going off. I couldn’t breathe. I felt his mouth soft on mine, over and over; I even felt his tears. I also felt the most overwhelming love. For Sarah and for me. He was bidding us both good-bye.

My legs started to give way, and he lowered me to the swing, kissing me one last time. I wanted to see him, to look at him again, but I couldn’t seem to open my eyes. Everything was swimming in a haze of lightning.

Then I felt his lips against my ear. “I love you, Dani.”

And he was gone.

I lay on the swing trying to catch my breath, trying to open my eyes. It felt like when your arm goes to sleep and everything is dead, then the pins and needles come. Except it was my whole body coming back.

Including the realization that Alex—

“No!” I wailed, trying to scramble up, but I fell flat. “Alex! Don’t leave me!” I sobbed it to the not-quite-dark-anymore night. To the crickets that were going to sleep. To anything that could possibly hear me. “I love you—” I cried into my hands.

I tried to get up, but my legs were weak, and I stumbled. But not before I saw Jason standing in the yard, toward the far end of the porch. Looking like he’d seen a ghost. Again.

“J
ASON.
”

He turned slowly and started to walk back the way he’d come.

“No—Jason, wait. Please!”

I tried to follow him, but my feet weren’t back yet, and they buckled, sending me sprawling down the steps and landing hard on the gravel.

That turned him back, and he jogged over to me. “Jesus, Dani, what the hell?”

My hands were scraped and had little pieces of rock stuck to them. My elbow was bleeding. It wasn’t a good time.

“Alex was here.”

“Yeah, I got that.”

“Well, that’s ‘what the hell.’”

Jason helped me up, and walked me back up the steps where I sat down. He stood. I dropped my face into my hands.

“Are you okay?”

I shook my head and let a bitter laugh out. “Not really.”

“Well, you were thirty minutes ago. Before—”

“Before Alex showed up?”

He didn’t fire back, and I looked up. He was pissed. But right then, I wasn’t feeling all that zippy, either.

“Yeah. Guess that tells me what I need to know.” He turned to leave.

“No, actually, that doesn’t tell you shit, Jason.”

He wheeled back around. “What?”

I held my head, which was pounding, and tried not to think about what I probably looked like. “You’d rather jump to whatever conclusion justifies walking away. How about
asking
.”

“What I saw doesn’t require asking. And look at you now.”

I narrowed my eyes. “What did you see?”

“Enough. And heard words you certainly couldn’t say to me,” he said, the last sentence full of acid and hurt.

I closed my eyes. “You saw him.”

“Yes.”

The logic started to click. “You saw him in the river because he was holding Riley. You saw him here because he was holding me.”

“Kissing you.”

My stomach clenched again at the memory. “Kissing me good-bye, Jason. He’s gone.” New tears came, and it wasn’t a good time for that. “Contact like that knocks the nervous system out. I’m sorry I’m not all up to par right now.”

“You’re in love with him.”

“Jason—”

“Dani, don’t. It’s all over your face. I know a broken heart when I see it.”

I tried to stand, but everything went woozy so I sat back down. “Damn it, he’s my best friend. He was the one constant and basically the ‘man in my life’ for lack of anyone else. And now he’s
gone.” My voice rose as my head pounded harder with the adrenaline. “So yes, I’m a little upset.”

“Well, then I’ll leave you alone.”

“Jason!”

He turned again and jerked his hands in the air. “What?”

I pleaded with my eyes for him to understand. To go back to the loving guy he was before, instead of the brooding jerk standing before me. Which something back behind the pain was telling me that wasn’t fair, but I couldn’t focus on that.

“He’s gone. He left to get out of the way. But he’s a ghost, Jason. He was never competition.”

Jason walked back to stand right in front of me. I could smell the faint woodsy smell still on him, and I wanted to be wrapped up in that warm aroma again.

“I came over here to surprise you. To be romantic and spontaneous and—something, I don’t know. Because I suddenly couldn’t stand to be away from you.”

I reached for his hand. “I feel—”

He shook his head and pulled away from me. “Don’t. The fact that he knew he was
in the way
should tell you something, Dani. I’m grateful to him for everything he’s done for you, that’s the truth.” Jason scrubbed his hands over his face and through his hair, making it stand up. “But you’re lying to me and to yourself if you think he wasn’t competition.” He laid a finger over my heart. “In here.” He pointed up at the porch. “You don’t look at me like that. And I’m not settling for less.”

I watched him walk away. I didn’t have anything left to argue with. How could I? He was right, wasn’t he? I was in love with Alex, as warped as that was. I crawled to the swing and climbed on, picking up the rose where it had fallen. I lay down and let the movement lull me.

* * *

“M
OM?
”

Riley’s voice pulled me from the cobwebs. I opened my eyes but I felt like I’d pulled a massive tequila night. My head throbbed and my stomach threatened to rebel.

“Mom? You okay?”

“Mmm.” I sat up and clapped a hand over my mouth, then bolted to the railing and horked the previous night’s dinner. I just lay there, half flopped over afterward, too spent to move. The activity didn’t help my headache any.

“Wow, that must have been some night.”

“You have no idea,” I croaked.

“Probably don’t want to,” she said with a chuckle. “Need some coffee?”

“Please.”

I managed to get myself on the top step and leaned against the banister post, feeling the still-cool surface against my temple. It wasn’t dark anymore, but it didn’t feel late, either. Riley came back with a steaming mug of coffee and set it beside me as she sat on the other end of the step.

“You been crying?” she asked, leaning forward to look at me better.

“Am I all swollen?”

“Pretty much.” She turned my right hand over to view the mess that matched my elbow. “My God, what happened?”

“Great.” I picked up the mug carefully, since my dexterity wasn’t the best.

“Well?”

“Thought you didn’t want to know.”

“Well, you’ve got me all curious now. Crying and sleeping on
the porch with a hangover and what looks like a brawl.” She pointed to the rose in my hand. “And a flower. There’s got to be a major story there.”

A bitter noise came from my throat. “Not what you’d think.” I took a swallow and relished the burn.

“So a bad date with Satan?”

I had to laugh at that, in spite of none of it being funny. “No, actually a great date. More than great. The best ever.”

“This is ‘best ever’ results?”

“No, this is ‘Alex is gone forever and Jason witnessed my meltdown and left me, too’ results.”

Riley just stared at me. “Drink some more coffee.”

“I’m not drunk, boog,” I said with a wink. Oh God, I winked. I was losing it.

“Yeah, okay.”

I shook my head and patted her arm. “I’m coming down off contact with Alex.”

“What?”

I rubbed my eyes and grimaced at the black on my fingers. I probably looked like a deranged raccoon. “He was here when I got home. To tell me good-bye.”