Real Vampires Don't Wear Size Six (5 page)

“Did you two break up?” Penny hurried into the kitchen and came out with a bottle of synthetic. She shoved it into my hand. “You look terrible.”

“Thanks.” I took a swig. “Not a total breakup, hopefully. Just a time-out. Don’t worry about me. I always bounce back. I’ve had lots and lots of practice.” I pushed down the urge to throw myself on the couch and cry bitter tears. Nope, I had a job to do here. Might as well get on with it. But two weeks with Jerry gone. I ached already.

“So you guys have split before?” Penny peered at me like she was trying to break through my mental blocks. No way was I letting her into my thoughts again, though constantly keeping her out was a pain and a half. Literally. It always gave me a nagging headache and vamps can’t exactly take Excedrin.

“We’re taking a break. We do that sometimes. He’ll be back.” I stared down into my bottle, then determinedly shook off the urge to smack myself with it. “Now tell me about your transformation, Penny. How did that weird vampire get hold of you?”

Penny sighed and sat across from me. “This story won’t cheer you up. It was pretty pathetic.”

“I understand pathetic. I just barely stopped short of grabbing Jerry’s ankle and having him kick me off. And looking like this.” I waved my hand at my rat’s nest of a hairdo. “Spill.”

“I had a blind date. The only kind I ever have lately.” Penny made a face. “Surprise, surprise.”

“Nonsense. You’re full of potential. Jerry has a sister with hair that color. The Scots love it.” I smiled encouragingly. “Keep talking.”

Penny sighed. “Thanks. Anyway, I have had boyfriends, other lab rats who don’t notice things like how I fill out a pair of jeans.”

“News flash, Penny. I never met a man yet who didn’t appreciate a woman’s assets.” I looked her over. “I just don’t know why you’re hiding yours in baggy sweatpants and a sweater that’s two sizes too big.” I kept my feelings about her horizontal stripes to myself.

Penny blinked. “You want to hear this or not?”

“Sorry. About that night.” I waved my hand.

“Anyway, as I was starting to say, my usual dates had never taken me to a fraternity party.” She sighed. “Just once I wanted to have a normal college experience, you know?”

“Not a clue. Never got a whiff of college myself, but I can imagine your sister is living it up. Am I right?” I bet Jenny, so cute in that cheerleading outfit, never missed a Saturday night out.

“Of course she is.” Penny frowned and picked at a pull in her sweater. Where had she found it? The last-chance bargain rack in a thrift shop? I wanted to rip it off and use it as a dustrag. “So when I had an opportunity for a blind date at a frat party, I jumped at it.”

“I get that. I hear about stuff like that from students all the time. Sounds like they have fun.” But if Penny had gone looking like this . . .

She gave me a look. “Your block is slipping, Glory. I didn’t wear this. Jenny picked out a cute outfit for me. White jeans and a red-and-white-striped top.”

“So what happened?” I heaved my block back into place. White on that butt? Sister Jenny wasn’t doing this kid any favors. And the stripes too? Well, well. Made me wonder.

“But Jen didn’t want me to go. She said she’d heard rumors this wasn’t a regular frat party. I ignored her. I’d spent way too many nights chained to my computer working on my latest project.” Penny leaned forward. “I’ve got a grant to study the molecular structure of . . .” She obviously saw my eyes glazing over. “Never mind. I get really wrapped up in it.”

“Fascinating. If Ian MacDonald were here, he’d be thrilled to talk to you about it.” I shook my head. “But let’s get back to the vamp connection. So what about this blind date?”

“Turns out it was one of those parties where the guys at the frat house are supposed to bring a loser, try to get them drunk and then do ugly things like drive them out to the middle of nowhere and dump them. You know, cruel jokes.” Penny shuddered. “I’m pretty unaware of social things, but I thought this guy might be into me. He was cute, bringing me punch. Dancing with me.”

“And he was setting you up for some kind of mean prank?” I felt my fangs go down. “We are so dealing with this loser.”

“I was clueless. The punch was spiked, I should have noticed when I couldn’t grip the cup anymore. And when he dragged me out to the parking lot to make out, I mean”—Penny flushed—“did I really think he was going to kiss me?” She covered her face with her hands. “I’m a total idiot,” she mumbled into her palms.

“Stop it! No, you’re not.” I was up and put my arm around her. “He’s a jackass. The guy needs to know he can’t get away with this.”

Penny looked up, her face splotchy with embarrassment. “No, I deserved what I got. I threw up next to his car. He was disgusted. I didn’t blame him.” She took a shaky breath. “So I got in the car and shut my eyes. Never asked where we were going, just assumed he was taking me home.”

“But he didn’t.” I patted her shoulder.

“No, he drove to a hilltop and stopped the car. It was quiet, creepy, but he went around, opened my car door and helped me out. I was dumb enough to just go along, thinking maybe there was a romantic view or something. Then he just jumped back in the car and drove off. He never even looked back.” Penny shuddered. “I
would
like to teach him a lesson.”

“Now you’re talking. We won’t kill him. Just scare the little prick and let him know he can’t get away with treating women like that.” I was imagining all kinds of scenarios that would make this frat boy have nightmares for years.

“Sounds like fun.” Penny finally smiled but it didn’t last. “Anyway.” She shook her head. “I sat there, on the grass, too sick to move until I heard something. A man walked out of the woods and stared at me. I wanted to run, but I was paralyzed. When he got closer, he smiled and I saw these gigantic fangs.” She took a shaky breath. “That did it. I screamed, then blacked out. When I finally woke up, I heard him talking to me but nothing made sense and there were those fangs. I just conked out again.”

“Yes, I can see that it would freak you out.” An older vampire’s fangs are huge. On top of that, Penny had been drunk, traumatized . . . My heart went out to her.

“When I woke up enough to look around, I realized I was in a shack, no idea where. But I had the most agonizing thirst.” She glanced at me. “And it wasn’t for water.”

I squeezed her shoulders. “Two assholes in one night. How lucky can you get?”

“I did get lucky. I staggered outside and another vampire smelled me.” Penny made a face. “I know that sounds gross. I do bathe, you know. But that’s what she said. She was flying over and got a whiff of a new vampire and headed down to check it out. She’s the one who took me to Damian.”

“You’ll soon learn to be able to identify other paranormals by their smells.” Jerry might be gone and I ached from my head to my heart, but I had Penny here and a real mission. It was a distraction I needed. “I’m getting dressed and we’re going to deal with that dickhead who started this. Are you with me?”

“Sure. But I have a question first.” Penny was on her feet, following me to my bedroom.

“Ask me anything. If I think it’s too personal, I’ll tell you to mind your own business.”

“Fair enough.” Penny glanced at the door. “Look at me. Look at you. Not that you’re not cute and all, but you’re no size zero and I’m just the same as when that guy sank his fangs into me.” She sighed. “Yet every male vampire I meet is drop-dead gorgeous and has the body to match. Even the creep who turned me was easy on the eyes once you looked past those fangs. What’s up with that?”

“Life isn’t fair?” I laughed at her expression. “Oh, come on. I’m kidding, even if it is true. When we’re turned, we’re stuck however we are at that moment.” It was my turn to sigh. “Oh, our hair still grows”—I grimaced—“everywhere. And our nails. But the rest of us? Doesn’t change. Not a pound, not an ounce.”

“You’re kidding me.” Penny collapsed on my bed. “No hope then for this?” She grabbed a handful of excess flab at her waist.

“Not really.” I sat beside her. “Trust me. If I’d only known, I would have laid off the clotted cream and jam on my scones and dropped a few pounds before I let Jerry turn me.” I made a face. “Of course back in those days, a well-rounded woman was a sign of prosperity. And, hello, when I met Jer, I hit the mother lode.” I winked. “In more ways than one.”

“Yeah, he’s a hunk all right.” Penny leaned against me. “No wonder you let him turn you. And if he was rich . . .”

“Oh, he was. And I was a poor widow. He was an answer to my prayers.” I sighed, remembering. “But money wasn’t the issue for me. It was love at first sight. The vampire thing scared me at first, but I just couldn’t resist him.”

“Lucky you.” Penny stood and looked down. “But bottom line—and I do mean bottom—is that I’m now stuck with this spare tire and big butt?”

“Afraid so.”

“Damn.” Penny stared at my size-twelve—okay, more like a fourteen—hips.

“On the bright side, you never have to exercise again.” I laughed and got up to rummage in my underwear drawer. “Because a sit-up can’t tone you and running can’t make you lose a single ounce.”

A slow smile spread on Penny’s face. She really did have a pretty smile and you could see how she resembled her cheerleading sister when she used it.

“Well, now. You just made this whole thing way more tolerable.”

 

“That’s him.” Penny gave me an elbow in the ribs when a stocky blond emerged from the frat house and walked to a black SUV in the parking lot. We’d been hiding in a tree near the house for about an hour and it was after midnight. The guys had been drinking and having a fine old time rehashing the Ugly Chick party of the weekend before. It was all I could do not to burst through the door and clean house.

“What’s his name?” I jumped down and waited for Penny, who was a little less secure in her skills. She climbed down cautiously.

“Josh Hansen.”

“Watch and wait right here. I’ll bring him to you.” I strolled over to the car with a twitch of my hips. “Hey, good-looking.”

Josh turned at the sound of my voice as he fumbled for his keys. The yahoo didn’t have any business driving in his condition. Too many beers. I could smell the alcohol from here. Maybe the best revenge would be to let him get on the road, then get a policeman to stop him. No, he might hit an innocent person on his way to getting caught.

“What?” He finally focused on me. “Hi, there.” He smiled.

No surprise, he was interested. I’d worn a low-cut top and a short skirt that shouted “slut looking for a good time.” Josh was obviously up for that.

I was close in an instant and ran my hand down his chest. “I was hoping I’d find someone to talk to. It’s late and I’m, um, lonely.” I licked my lips and Josh got the message loud and clear.

“Uh, yeah, I could give you a ride somewhere.” He held up his keys and grinned. “We could talk at my place. I have roommates, but they’re cool.”

“How about my place? It’s just up the street.” I grabbed his hand and tugged him toward the tree where Penny waited out of sight. “Closer.” I rubbed against him suggestively. “No roommates.”

“Yeah, yeah.” He stumbled after me until we were on the other side of the enormous oak.

“Josh! Remember me?” Penny was suddenly in front of us, fangs down.

“What the—?” Josh peered at her. “Poppy? What happened to your lips? You go freaky?”

“It’s Penny, you dipshit, and I went totally freaky, thanks to you.” Penny slammed her fist into his stomach. He leaned over and retched, emptying the contents of his stomach next to his shoes.

“Hah! How’d you like that, you bastard?” She grabbed his hair, then hit his face, drawing blood. “You have no idea what you did to me.”

I latched on to her arm before she could hit him again. “Penny, stop. Read his mind.” I’d focused on him while Penny had gone on the attack, figuring she should be allowed to get a few licks in for what he’d done to her.

“What do you mean?” Penny kept staring at the blood at the corner of Josh’s mouth. “Who cares what he’s thinking? Do you smell that?” She lunged toward him.

“No, you don’t, girlfriend. He’s not the main course on the midnight buffet.” I held her away with one hand while I lifted Josh’s chin with the other so I could stare into his eyes. I did my thing, making sure he couldn’t run away screaming.

“What did you just do? I love that he’s not moving. Just waiting for me to take him down. I’m going to drain that creep dry.” Penny tried to wrestle her way out of my grip. Not happening. I was that much stronger. I put both hands on her shoulders and shook her.

“Calm down. Listen to me.” I stared at her. “I used the whammy on him. Mesmerized him, I guess you’d call it. He’s in a kind of dream state so he won’t run screaming back to the frat house for reinforcements. I really don’t feel like taking on a dozen drunk frat boys. This guy reeks enough.” I nodded toward where he leaned against the tree trunk, a vacant expression on his face. “You don’t want to drink from him, he’s loaded.”

“So? Maybe I’ll get a buzz too. I could use it. This has been the worst week of my life.” Penny gave me a sour look.

“I know. But we were just going to pull a prank here, not kill him. Remember?” I stayed between Penny and Josh. She had a wild look in her eyes and I expected her to try to jump me at any moment. I’d hate to have to hurt her, but would do it if she forced the issue.

“Just move, Glory. Let me at him. Mesmerized? Cool. So he’ll just stand there while I sink my fangs into his neck and . . .” Penny snarled. “Damn, he smells like beer but under that is the most delicious aroma . . .” She tried to pry at my hands on her arms with her fingernails. “Let me at him.”

“Stop it.” I shook her until her head snapped back on her shoulders. “Get a grip. That’s your bloodlust talking. I understand. But I want you to look at Josh and read his mind. He’s not what you think.”