Ready for Love (16 page)
“Did you get the cooler?” LJ asked.
“Yep, it’s in the backseat next to where Ryan is sitting.”
LJ leaned into the car and looked at Ryan. “You’re in charge of the cooler, so make sure it stays put.”
“I will, and if you or my mommy needs a drink, I can get it for you.”
“Thanks. You’re a good helper.” LJ stood and surveyed the back of Kylie’s SUV. “That seems like an awful lot of stuff to take just to go on a picnic at the zoo.”
“And how many picnics to the zoo with an almost-seven-year-old have you gone on to know this?”
With a hearty laugh, LJ gave Kylie a quick hug. “When you’re in the jungle on a dig, it’s like one great big picnic.”
“When are we going?” Ryan whined from inside the SUV.
“Right now, sweetheart.” Kylie went around the vehicle and got inside. “Everyone buckled in?”
“Can we just go?” Ryan asked.
“You buckled in?” Kylie gave Ryan her sternest look. “Buckle in or we don’t go.”
“Okay, Mommy.”
When she heard the click of the seat belt, Kylie said, “Then let’s go to the zoo.”
†
“Come on, Lgie, let’s go see the monkeys.” Ryan grabbed LJ’s hand and took off for the monkey house.
Kylie laughed and followed them down the concrete path toward an enclosure where monkeys were swinging across the top. When she caught up with them, Kylie couldn’t help but notice the look of awe on LJ’s face. Ryan was mimicking a monkey by scratching at her armpits and bouncing.
“Hey, Monkey, are you having fun?”
Ryan and LJ looked at her.
“Are you asking this monkey?” LJ tapped Ryan’s head.
“Actually I was asking both of you.”
“I’ll have you know I am not a monkey, but I do find them fascinating.”
Ryan grabbed Kylie’s hand. “Come on, Lgie, I can see the elephants.” She took LJ’s hand too and began walking away with them following her.
An hour later, Ryan was in the petting zoo feeding a baby goat.
“Are you having a good time?”
LJ nodded. “Yes. I’ve never been to a zoo before, so this is all new to me.”
“Wait. You’ve never been to a zoo?”
“No.”
Kylie’s eyes widened. “You never went on a field trip in grade school to the zoo? I find that impossible to believe.”
“I went to a private school that emphasized learning and little else.” LJ shrugged.
“What kind of school is that if they don’t let kids have the full range of experiences?”
LJ looked away.
“What?”
“I had special needs.”
Kylie frowned. “You had special needs. Really?”
Ryan came bounding up to them. “Mommy, I’m hungry.”
“Then let’s go get the things out of the car and have our picnic.” She looked at LJ. “Special needs, indeed. Pull the other one.”
†
LJ lay back on the blanket and looked at the blue sky. She had never considered things like the zoo or picnics. Her life was wholly dedicated to her work. Yet here she was at the zoo sharing a picnic with Kylie and Ryan. Being there was surreal but seemed so natural. She looked at the mother and daughter, who appeared to be in a serious conversation. Warmth and contentment flowed around her heart, and for the first time in way too many years, she was happy. The little voice that kept her terrified of any romantic interactions was quiet now, and for that, she was grateful.
“You okay?”
LJ lifted her head and saw Kylie looking at her with concern.
“It seemed like you were miles away.”
“I was just thinking about”—she wanted to say “the glyph” but knew it was a lie—“how much I am enjoying this day.”
Kylie’s face lit up.
“I can’t think of anyone else I’d rather be here with than you and Ryan.”
“We still have to see the big cats, and don’t forget the reptiles.” Kylie grinned.
“Snakes and bugs. I’ll think I’m back in the jungle.”
Kylie laughed. “Someday you will have to tell me all about your adventures.”
LJ could see the sincerity in Kylie’s eyes along with warmth that she knew was only for her. “Maybe you’ll go along on the next dig and find out firsthand.”
“I already know it isn’t glamorous, but I think being there with you would be a whole different experience from what I had on the digs I went on in college.”
“Who was the professor that led the group?”
“Evan Harvey.”
LJ nodded. “I know him. He’s a decent scholar but”—she grinned—“I’m better.”
“I recognized that fact the first day we met.”
“Mommy, when are we going back to see the rest of the animals?” Ryan asked.
“Just as soon as we get all this stuff back in the car.”
LJ began collecting the picnic paraphernalia while Kylie put the food back in the cooler. “Ryan, will you carry this for me?” She held out the blanket.
Soon they were back at the zoo proper and watched as a leopard paced in its enclosure. Ryan was leaning against the fence, seemingly mesmerized by the big cat.
“On one of the digs a panther wandered into the camp, sniffed the air, looked around, and then walked away. It was awesome,” LJ quietly told Kylie.
“Were you scared?”
“Yes, but not of the panther. I was afraid someone would do something stupid and provoke it into attacking.”
“Does anything scare you?”
LJ swallowed hard. “Yes. You.”
Kylie’s eyes went wide. “Me? Why?”
“I’m terrified by what I feel for you.”
“Mommy, Lgie, come on, I see the giraffes.”
“We will discuss this further,” Kylie said before Ryan grabbed her hand.
†
The day at the zoo had been one of the most relaxing times of LJ’s life. She was sitting on the grass in Kylie’s backyard watching fireflies lift from the ground and do their mating dance. When she was younger that sort of thing fascinated her, but she’d lost her way. Now, looking at the flickering lights, she smiled.
“Hey, mind if I join you?”
LJ patted the grass next to her. “Did she finally go to sleep?”
“Yes. She was quite upset that you didn’t stay until she did.”
“I was being too much of a distraction.”
Kylie laughed and sat right next to LJ. “Yes, you were. I swear you must be a kid at heart with the way you two have bonded.”
“She’s a good kid.”
Kylie rested her head on LJ’s shoulder. “I really liked the person you were today at the zoo. You should let her out more often.”
LJ felt her lips on her cheek and leaned into them.
“You said you went to a special-needs school and that I terrified you. Will you please tell me why?” Kylie asked quietly.
“All my life growing up, I was the odd girl out.”
“What do you mean?”
“I never seemed to fit in anywhere. Except….” The arm that went around her shoulders made her shiver. “You see those fireflies?”
“Yes.”
“They light up to find a mate, and after reproducing they die. I’ve often wondered if when one dies, the other one dies too.”
“You mean like they are soulmates or something?”
“Yes. Eagles mate for life, so why not fireflies? They just live for one mate and no other.”
“I suppose that’s possible, but I doubt it.”
LJ shrugged. “Is that how you felt after you lost your husband?”
“I never thought of him as my soulmate.”
“Why not?”
“He was controlling and manipulative.”
“Why’d you marry him, then?”
“It was what was expected. Get married, have kids, and live happily ever after. And my parents were so happy when I started dating Ted that I didn’t want to disappoint them.” Kylie wrapped her arms around her knees. “I loved him for a time until I found out it was a lie. I had made a vow of forever and had to keep that. So I was stuck.”
“Were you happy?”
“Not really. But that isn’t important right now. Why did you feel like that growing up?”
LJ could feel Kylie’s eyes on her and knew she wasn’t getting away with deflecting the question.
“You said you never fit in ‘except’ and didn’t finish the sentence. Please tell me what else you were going to say.”
“We met at the university as roommates.” LJ poured her heart out, telling Kylie about Holly and that when her life ended, so did LJ’s.
“Oh, LJ, how horrible for you.” Kylie put an arm around her shoulders. “What can I do to help you?”
LJ couldn’t stop the streams of tears that rolled down her cheeks. “Every time I’m with anyone else, I feel like I’m cheating on her,” she whispered.
“From what you’ve said about Holly, it sounds like she was a kind, warm, and loving person who wasn’t clingy or demanding. Do you really think she’d want you to resign from life or love and build a temple to her memory?”
“I haven’t done that,” LJ growled.
“Haven’t you?”
LJ looked away. “I thought that is what I wanted.”
“And now?”
“Today with you and Ryan…I realized you are who I want. I recognized there was more to life. I want a family that will love me and accept me for who I am.”
“Where’s your family?” Kylie pulled her into warm, loving arms.
“I can’t go there right now. It’s been a long and very emotional day. Do you mind?”
“No. Whenever you’re ready, I’m here to listen without judgment. Can you tell me why you were in a remedial class in school?”
“I never used the word
remedial
. I said ‘special needs.’”
Kylie frowned. “From what I can tell, you don’t have any handicaps.”
“A special need doesn’t just include disabilities, Kylie.” LJ blew out a breath. “The school I went to catered to students with an IQ in the upper two percent of the population.”
“What is your IQ?”
LJ looked away. “One hundred and sixty-seven.”
“Wow. Am I getting this right? If you have a high IQ you aren’t allowed to go to the zoo or on field trips?”
“We went on field trips, but they weren’t geared to children but adults.”
Kylie caressed her cheek. “That makes me sad for you.”
“Why?”
“You missed out on all the fun of being a kid.”
“I couldn’t miss something I didn’t have a clue about. To me it seemed perfectly normal.”
“And lonely.”
LJ nodded. “Perhaps after what we did today…yes.”
Kylie hugged her closer. “Not anymore.”
LJ caressed Kylie’s cheek and felt her lean in to the touch. It would be so easy to kiss the tempting lips she’d longed to feel on hers all day. She moved away. The light was dim, but her eyes had adjusted and she could see desire reflecting back at her. “I can’t.”
“Why?”
“Because I want you so much that it scares me, and I don’t know if I can go there again.”
“But you can with Max or that singer.”
“That’s different. They’re just a fuck.” She pulled her close. “You are not.” LJ kissed her gently before moving away. “Please just hold me a little while.”
“Will you at least spend the night?”
“I can’t.”
“The spare bedroom is all made up, and I promise not to throw myself at you.”
LJ shook her head. “It’s not that. I…I don’t trust myself not to visit you in the night.”
“That would be okay.” Kylie grinned, then winked at LJ.
“No, it wouldn’t.” She took Kylie’s hand. “Don’t you see that you deserve more than one night of passion, and right now that is all I can give you?”
Kylie wrapped her arms around LJ. “I want more than that too. You do remember that you promised Ryan you would spend the night? Tonight might be the perfect time.” Kylie wiggled her eyebrows.
LJ sucked in an audible breath. “As tempting as that sounds I have to pass. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry. Like you said, when the time is right, we’ll both know it.”
There in the dark sitting on the grass and holding each other with fireflies glowing all around them, Kylie could feel her world righting. She’d give LJ all the room she needed, for there was nothing in her life that had ever felt so perfect.
Kylie sat across from LJ at the worktable and looked at the woman hunched over a magnifying glass looking at pottery pieces. To the world, LJ was a cold, dour, unapproachable woman. To her and Ryan, she was tender, kind, and warm.
If only the rest of the world could see you the way I do.
At that thought, Kylie began to formulate a plan.
They had been working side by side during the day and spending the evenings together. It surprised her how easily LJ adapted to the home-cooked meals and the company of both herself and Ryan.
LJ had told her that for most of her life, she was a loner who relied only on herself, so Kylie knew her willingness to join them was a complete reversal for her. At first, LJ was tentative in being a part of their life, but it didn’t take her long to fully integrate into the mother-and-daughter family
“LJ?”
“Hmm.”
“I would like you to meet my friends Lynne and Jodie.”
LJ looked up. “They’re the ones you were with that night at the Rusty Nail?”
“Yes. They’ve been my friends for years, and I know they’ll like you.”
“Oh, I’m not sure about that.” LJ looked away. “You know I don’t do well around strangers. Look how long it took me to relax around you.”
“They are just like me…an extension, really.”
“Kylie, I just can’t.”
“Please.”
LJ looked at Kylie and wished she hadn’t. The gray eyes pleading with her were her undoing. “Don’t ask me like that.”
“Don’t you know I want the whole world to know how wonderful and warm you are?”
“Don’t you know I’m not a people person?”
“Yes, you are. You just choose not to show it.”
“Kylie…please don’t ask me to go out with your friends. I don’t want to embarrass you.”
“Never. I’m proud of you and being with you. Please. For me. I promise if it gets too uncomfortable for you, all you have to do is say so and we’ll leave right away.”
LJ let out a long sigh. “Since you asked so nicely, okay, I’ll go.”
Kylie flew around the table, wrapped LJ in her arms, and kissed her cheek. “Thank you. I promise you’ll have a great time.”
“I guess I’ll find out, won’t I?”
†
That evening Ryan was at her grandparents’ and LJ was going out with Kylie to join Lynne and Jodie for dinner. She recalled the conversation earlier that day and her regret at saying yes to the “date” as Kylie called it…
“They are no different than anyone else. You’ll like them, I promise.”
“I don’t know. How should I act? What if they discover that we might be more than friends?”
“First of all, Lynne already knows how I feel about you, and Jodie is cool with almost everything.”
“It’s that word
almost
that has me worried.”
Kylie hugged her close and kissed her cheek. “She isn’t like that.”
“Do you know the last time I went out to dinner with anyone socially?”
“No, when?”
“When I got my doctorate, I took my grandmother out to dinner. That was twelve years ago.”
“Certainly you’ve gone to museum functions since then.” Kylie pulled her in closer.
“Those weren’t social events. They were mandatory, and I went, had the meal, shook some hands, and left as soon as I could. I don’t do well in social situations, I told you that. Why I agreed to this I’ll never know.”
Kylie stepped back and frowned. “Someday you will have to tell me who did this to you.”
“Did what?”
“Made you feel unworthy, like an outcast.”
The last thing LJ wanted to do was discuss her family. “Fine, I’m going to dinner with you and your friends, and I will try to be sociable.”
A brilliant smiled curved Kylie’s lips. “It’s our first date out in public. When was the last time you were on a date?”
Embarrassed, LJ looked away. “Not since I lost Holly.”
“Well that is about to change.” Kylie kissed her lips softly. “This will be the first of many such times. I promise you that.”
Now she was standing in front of the small medicine cabinet mirror, trying to get a look at her outfit. She had never really cared about what she wore. For her a pair of jeans, a long-sleeve shirt, sturdy boots, and a snug-fitting jacket were all she needed for the work she did. In order to see herself, she had to stand on the tub wall and found she was only able to see the white silk shirt tucked into her black slacks. It was the only outfit she had for going to functions.
“This is for the birds. I’m just going to put on what is comfortable and the hell with dressing to impress.” LJ began unbuttoning the shirt, then stopped. The night was important to Kylie and she desperately wanted her to be happy. “Fine, I’ll wear this.”
She rummaged around in her closet and found a pair of black boots that she thought would look good with the outfit. There was no way she was going to wear the heels she’d worn at the last function Rob insisted she attend. It was a fundraiser for her dig to Peru, so she had to go and be sociable and not decline the invitation, as was her usual tactic. The heels had been a last minute concession to the importance of the event. Rob had told her that she needed to impress the possible donors and to dress accordingly. That decision was a mistake as her feet had hurt for days afterward.
“The boots are serviceable and are polished. They will have to do.” She slipped them on, looked down at her attire, and closed her eyes. “What have I gotten myself into?”
With truck keys in hand, she left her apartment to pick up Kylie before going to the restaurant.
†
LJ tugged at the sleeve of her jacket and took it off before sitting in a chair at the upscale restaurant. She looked nervously at Kylie, who was hugging her best friends. For a moment, she longed to have Kylie hug her to help squelch the uncertainty she was feeling.
Lynne was blonde with deep blue eyes and stood around five two with a body that looked as if she’d been a gymnast at one time. Jodie was tall with long, brown hair and chocolate-brown eyes, and although she wasn’t as trim as Lynne, she had a decent body. They both had been welcoming when they met her.
They settled into the night together with drinks, and soon the three women started to chatter as LJ had heard others do. Not ever having friends, she didn’t quite understand this ritual and was glad no one seemed to pay her any attention.
“Kylie tells me you are the chief research archaeologist at the museum, LJ. That’s quite impressive.” Jodie cocked her head to the right. “So what are you? Around thirty-five?”
LJ looked at Jodie after she realized one of Kylie’s friends was asking her a question. “Does it matter?” LJ asked defensively.
Coming here was an extremely bad idea.
“You didn’t tell me this was going to be an inquisition.” She looked pointedly at Kylie before scooting her chair back and getting up.
“No. I didn’t mean anything like that. I was just thinking to be where you are at thirty-five it is a wonderful achievement,” Jodie spluttered.
LJ glared at Kylie again and walked away at a fast pace.
“She doesn’t do well in social settings. I’ll go get her and we’ll be right back.” Kylie got up and walked quickly after LJ. When she caught up to her, she grabbed her hand. “Wait up. What’s the matter?” She dragged LJ to a secluded corner of the bar.
“You told me that they weren’t going to be judgmental and intrude into my life.” LJ motioned back at the table. “So why did you lie to me?”
Kylie could feel not only the anger all around LJ, but fear. “They are my friends, and they know how I feel about you and are trying to get to know you, LJ. There’s nothing more than that.” She purposely kept her voice soft so LJ would have to lean in to hear her over the noise of the bar. “Would you rather we just talk among ourselves and ignore you?”
“Yes.” Defiance colored LJ’s tone.
“That’s a load of crap and you know it.” Kylie caressed LJ’s cheek. “I need you to give them a chance. They are my oldest friends, and I want us all to get along because you are in my life and I’m not letting you go.”
“You can’t say that. You can’t control all situations. All you can do is cope with what you are given.”
Eyes that seemed to be full of anxiety were searching hers, and Kylie leaned in and pulled her close. “Trust me. I won’t let you fall. I promise,” she whispered. “I’ve got your back.”
“I don’t know if I can.”
“Please try.”
LJ took her hand and squeezed it. “For you I will try to be friendly, but there are no guarantees.”
LJ was at odds with what she was feeling for Kylie and the terror that was gripping her heart. With Holly everything just seemed to work; although she knew that wasn’t always the case, it was what she chose to remember. Kylie was different. On one hand, she desperately wanted what Kylie was offering, and on the other old memories and fears kept trying to resurface. The pleading in Kylie’s eyes was her undoing.
“I guess I overreacted.” LJ closed her eyes, then opened them to find Kylie smiling.
“Just a little. Fortunately for you, Lynne and Jodie are pretty easygoing, and I know many stories of them making similar scenes, so you’re safe on that front.”
LJ nodded, took Kylie’s hand, and headed back to the table. Kylie’s friends looked at her expectantly as they sat down. Not skipping a beat, she said, “Actually I’m almost thirty-three.”
Jodie gaped. “When did you get your doctorate?”
LJ swallowed hard and blew out a breath. “When I was twenty.”
“You were a child prodigy?” Lynne asked.
“I always thought of it as odd girl out.” LJ shook her head, reminding herself that she’d said she’d try to be more sociable. “I went to a special school that catered to so-called gifted kids. It wasn’t the typical school experience.”
“In what way?” Lynne asked.
“Okay, enough of the inquisition.” Kylie smiled at her friends. “We can all concede that LJ is brilliant.”
“That’s an understatement,” Jodie said. “Who’d like another beer?”
After that, LJ settled down and listened to the chatter between the friends. She realized she had missed so much by isolating herself from other people. She was jealous of what Kylie had with the two women. LJ was so deep in thought, she surprised when her dinner plate arrived in front of her.
Kylie leaned in. “Are you okay?”
“Not really,” she whispered.
“Why?”
“Not important.” LJ smiled and cut into her steak before taking a bite. What she was feeling wasn’t significant. She had a friend now in Kylie, and maybe someday she’d be friends with the other two women. Time would tell.
The rest of the evening was full of laughs, and LJ found herself drawn into the conversation. Lynne and Jodie weren’t judgmental and seemed to accept that she and Kylie might become a couple. She even related some stories of hacking through the jungle to get to a dig site and was pleased they were interested and even laughed.
The night was ending, and LJ was grateful. She wanted to get out of there and back to the safety of her truck. The feeling of impending doom had faded, and although she did enjoy herself, she found no comfort in the company of the others. Only Kylie filled the chasm that until then had been a barren wasteland of loneliness. If only she could let down her defenses enough to let Kylie inside completely.
“This was fun,” Lynne said. “Let’s do it again.”
LJ smiled. “I’d like that.” She took a deep breath. “I’m sorry I got a little grumpy at the start.” She looked down at the table, refusing to make eye contact with anyone.
“Hey,” Lynne said, patting her shoulder. “If you ask Kylie, she can tell you stories of my indiscretions out in public.”
Kylie laughed. “And in private.”
“That too.” Lynne squeezed LJ’s shoulder. “I’m happy for you and my friend Kylie. She’s a keeper,” she whispered. “I’ve never seen her happier.”
“What about when she was married?” LJ knew curiosity was getting the better of her, but she didn’t care. She wanted to know.
“Oh God, no. At first she was the blushing bride, but that faded quickly.”
LJ looked at Kylie, who had returned to speaking with Jodie. Both were laughing and oblivious to her conversation with Lynne. “Thank you for telling me that.”
“Telling you what?” Kylie’s focus was suddenly on her.
“That you are happy.”
Kylie clutched her hand. “I truly am for the first time in my life,” she whispered.
For a moment with Kylie’s hand on hers and Kylie’s eyes focused on her, LJ felt as though no one else was there. She smiled as her heart soared.
†
“Ryan is spending the night with my parents, so why don’t you spend the night with me?” Kylie unlocked the front door and walked inside. When LJ didn’t follow, she turned and looked at her.
“What?”
“I’d like it very much if you spent the night with me in my bed.”