Reach For the Spy (23 page)

“I’m not afraid of
him.” I tugged gently at his hands until he followed reluctantly,
glaring over his shoulder at Kane. I towed him around to the
driver’s side.

“Thanks for stopping,
Tom, but I don’t want to hold you up any longer.”

“Aydan...”

“Thanks. See you
later.” I gave his hands a squeeze before releasing him, and walked
away without looking back. I’d gone at least half a block before I
heard the truck door close and the engine start.

Kane wisely trailed me
at a distance while I strode back to the park, holding onto
composure with every fibre of my being. At the park, I kept my pace
to a brisk walk. If I started to run, I’d never stop.

Taking long strides I
circled the small park again and again. Kane leaned against a tree
near the edge of the park, but I avoided looking at him. If he as
much as spoke to me, there was a good chance I’d attack him.

The increasing pain in
my tired muscles drove me harder. Trapped. Hurt. No way to get
home. No privacy at home, either. My sanctuary invaded by
strangers. No way out.

I was panting
shallowly, and I forced myself into belly breathing. Stay calm.
These were the good guys. The good guys who were trying to protect
me. I was outside, not underground. Sunshine. Fresh air. Stay
calm.

I circled several more
times, slowing as my strength faded and the pain nagged
insistently. My hands ached and I reminded myself to unclench my
fists.

Finally, I couldn’t do
it anymore. I trudged to the far side of the park and sank down on
the grass with my back to Kane. I rested my forehead on my knees
and panted pain and tension and exhaustion.

The sound of someone
approaching behind me made me stiffen.

My back was
exposed.

Unable to control the
urge, I twisted around to look.

Kane.

I turned away and
stared into the distance as he sat down beside me, facing the
opposite direction. Watching my back, I realized with grudging
appreciation.

We sat in silence. My
muscles tightened in expectation, but after several minutes it
seemed he intended to wait me out. I rolled my shoulders and laid
my head on my knees again, trying to dissipate my agitation before
I spoke to him.

Finally, the words
burst out of me. “Way to push my buttons!”

I didn’t actually add
‘asshole’ out loud, but I was pretty sure he heard it anyway.

Kane sighed. “I’m
sorry. I only had a few seconds and I had to get through to
you.”

“Yeah, sorry is real
nice. When you pull shit like that, saying sorry afterward is a
fucking insult.”

“What do you want me to
say?”

“Nothing.” I stared off
into the distance. “You were bugging me earlier about showing my
emotions. As soon as I do, you use it to attack me.”

“Aydan, I
wouldn’t...”

“Yes, you would. You
just did. You knew how upset I was over you and Arnie getting
tortured because of me. And you used it to manipulate me. Made it
my fault that another good person was going to get hurt.”

Kane blew out a breath
between his teeth. “Aydan, you pulled Rossburn into it. Like it or
not, that makes him your responsibility. My job is to keep you
safe. Your feelings have to take a backseat to that.”

He frowned over at me
in obvious frustration. “I know how tough you are. I’ve always been
able to count on you to do what needs to be done. Why are you
suddenly so...” He paused, apparently trying to find the right
word.

“Fucked up?” I supplied
in a small voice. I buried my face in my hands and rested my
forehead on my knees. God, I was so damn tired.

“Aydan...” I felt his
hesitant touch on my shoulder. “I’m sorry. Don’t cry.”

I straightened up and
turned to face him. “I’m not crying! I’m just tired and pissed
off.”

The relief on his face
was almost comical. “Then talk to me,” he said after a moment. “Why
are you fighting me? Why do you keep putting yourself at risk for
no reason?”

He looked into my eyes.
“A couple of weeks ago, you said Stemp would be doing you a favour
if he killed you. In the sim, I’ve seen the kind of images you’re
living with. Are you having suicidal thoughts?”

I groaned. “You mean
other than right now? Because I’m ready to chew my own wrists open
just to avoid this conversation.”

“Aydan, I’m not
joking.”

“Okay, fine.” I sighed
and scrubbed my hands through my hair, yanking out a couple of
tangles. “No, I am not suicidal. I am not deliberately putting
myself at risk. It might look like that to you because I’m willing
to do whatever it takes to avoid being trapped.”

I met his eyes
squarely. “I thought I could get over the claustrophobia if I
wanted to enough. I was wrong. Now I’m not just freaking out when
I’m underground, I’m freaking out at the slightest hint that
somebody is trying to control me. I’ve been trying to figure out a
way to fix it, and I can’t. It’s just getting worse.”

I rolled my head
carefully from side to side, trying to loosen the locked muscles.
No luck.

I sighed again and
continued. “Stemp has managed to bury me underground as surely as
if he’d gone ahead with his original plan. And it’s having exactly
the result I expected. I’ve been down this road before. It starts
with the screaming in my sleep. Next the anxiety attacks start.
It’s downhill from there. I figure I’ve got another week, tops, and
then I’m going to be totally useless to everybody, including
myself.”

“So it’s really just
the claustrophobia. Being trapped underground is what’s causing all
these problems.”

“Yes.”

He blew out a long
breath. “Good. Because that’s what I told Stemp this morning. I
laid it on the line to him. I told him he was in danger of losing
his precious weapon, because you’d nearly died in the sim twice
already. And he agreed to let you work upstairs.”

I’m pretty sure I
didn’t faint, but I collapsed backward into the grass,
hyperventilating. “Oh Jesus. Oh thank God.” I swiped shaking hands
over my face, because this time I actually was close to crying. “Oh
thank God.”

I pulled myself
together with an effort. “Thank you. You just saved my life again.”
I thought about it for a few seconds. “No wonder you were mad,
after you went to bat for me. I’m sorry.”

Kane smiled down at me,
sexy laugh lines crinkling around his eyes. “It’s all right. You
didn’t know. I’m glad you think it’ll solve the problem.” He stood
and reached down a hand to pull me up.

He sobered as I brushed
off grass clippings. “But, Aydan, don’t charge in like that again
without checking with me first. That could have gone very
badly.”

“I’ll try. I’m just not
used to reporting to anybody else.”

He eyed me
speculatively while we walked across the grass. “This must be
making it hard for you to deal with your... other operations.”

“John, I have no other
operations. I’m just a civilian. You know that.” I sighed inwardly.
I’d thought he’d abandoned the idea that I was an undercover secret
agent.

“Of course,” he
agreed.

We made our way back to
Sirius Dynamics in silence. Outside the building, I leaned my
aching body against the wall. “So, how do you feel about going to
Eddy’s?”

He shrugged. “It’s only
a quarter to eleven. He’s not even open yet. Are you hungry
already?”

“No, I’m due there at
eleven to do his books. And if you’re not letting me out of your
sight, then you’ll have to come, too.”

“Well, let me see.
That’s tough. Go to the pub and eat lunch and listen to blues. On
department expense.” He grinned. “I think I can force myself to do
that.”

“Good, because you’re
driving. And I’m having a beer for lunch.”

In the parking lot at
Eddy’s, I turned to look at Kane. “So why exactly are you following
me around?”

His brows drew together
in concern. “Aydan, you’re under twenty-four hour guard.
Remember?”

I laughed. “I remember.
I meant, what should we tell Eddy? And Lola. I have to be over at
Up & Coming at one. What’s our cover story for why you’d be
tagging along with me?”

“Oh.”

“I think Eddy will
believe you’re just there for lunch.” I couldn’t resist stirring
the pot. “But exactly why would you visit a sex shop with me? And
stay there for an hour and half?”

He shot me a devilish
look. “What makes you think I’m not a regular customer there?”

Gulp. I realized how
badly the tease had backfired as I felt the flush spread up my
face. I did my best nonchalant shrug. “Well, if that’s the case,
I’m sure you’ll be able to find something to keep yourself
entertained.”

“I’m sure I will.”

I got out of the truck
and headed for Eddy’s back door with perhaps a little more haste
than was absolutely necessary.

At a quarter to one, I
finished my beer with a distinct sense of discomfiture. Up to now,
I’d been sufficiently distracted by my struggles in the sim to keep
my mind off lusting after Kane. Now I seemed to be making up for
lost time.

Jesus, I hoped Lola had
put that chocolate-scented leather thong away somewhere. Ever since
she’d mentioned it a few weeks ago, I’d been harbouring a
particularly tasty fantasy involving it and Kane. He definitely had
the body to show it off to maximum effect, with those broad
shoulders tapering to six-pack abs, narrow hips, and perfect ass.
Not to mention the way he’d amply fill that yummy package of
chocolate-scented heaven...

“Aydan?”

I jerked out of my
glassy-eyed reverie at the sound of his voice. “We’d better get
going. You said we needed to be at Up & Coming at one?”

“Yeah.” I drained the
last few drops from my glass and tossed some cash on the table.

“Don’t worry, Stemp can
pick this one up,” Kane grinned as he handed the money back to
me.

I made an effort to act
normal. Or what passes for normal for me, anyway. “Yeah, probably
easier to expense a purchase here than at the sex shop.”

He laughed. “True.
Though it might be fun to try.”

“I think Stemp would
fail to see the humour.”

“Probably.”

When we walked into Up
& Coming, Lola and Linda were behind the counter with their
heads together.

“Duck,” I said to Kane.
“When these two get together, the results are deadly.”

They laughed, and Lola
brightened visibly as she looked Kane up and down. “Hi again, Big
John. Looking for something special?”

I beat a hasty retreat
into the back office as he gazed down at her, eyes twinkling. “Can
you show me something fun for couples?”

Don’t think about it.
Just don’t think about it. I buried my head in the books.

Despite my best
efforts, I couldn’t help eavesdropping on the conversation while I
did my entries. Lola flirted shamelessly and Kane teased her back
good-naturedly. I tried to close my ears to Lola’s enthusiastic
account of their products, but I failed.

Great. Now I had a
whole new set of tempting mental images to overcome.

I heard Kane excuse
himself before he apparently picked up a phone call. His end of the
conversation faded slightly as if he was moving toward the door,
but it was still audible.

“Yes…” he said. “Fine…
No, I’m here for another hour or so. …If you don’t mind, I’d
appreciate it. I want to get it done today. Thanks.”

He hung up, and Lola
launched into another detailed description. I refocused with
difficulty.

A few minutes later,
Lola’s raised voice interrupted my already-disordered train of
thought. “Aydan! Can you come out here for a second?”

“Why?” I inquired
warily.

“Big John needs
you.”

Ha. I wish.

“It’s all right, Aydan,
don’t bother.” Kane’s voice held the hint of a chuckle.

“Come on!” Lola popped
into the doorway and seized me by the arm. “This’ll just take a
minute.”

Despite my better
judgement, I let her drag me out into the shop.

“Here, put these on,”
she ordered, and handed me the thigh-high boots. Again.

“No. Once was
enough.”

“You’ve already worn
them once?” Kane sounded amused. And possibly intrigued.

I sighed. “Yes. Thanks
to merciless coercion by this imp of evil. That’s how Harks’s
shit-for-brains buddy got the idea that I was a hooker. Thanks but
no thanks.”

“Come on,” Lola
cajoled. “Big John really wants to see what they look like on
you.”

“No, he doesn’t. He’s
just humouring you.” I turned to go back into the office.

“Aaay-daaan...” Lola
sang. A chill of foreboding trickled down my spine as I turned
slowly. “Look,” she carolled as she held up the boots in one hand
and the chocolate-scented thong in the other. “You wear something
nice for him, he’ll wear something nice for you...”

A choking noise made us
all turn. Spider stood framed in the doorway, a sheet of paper
crumpled in his hand. His face apparently couldn’t get any redder,
so he turned an unbecoming shade of purple instead.

“Lola,” I said hastily.
“Just because we came through the door at the same time doesn’t
mean we’re together. I don’t know who the other half of John’s
couple is, but it isn’t me.”

“Oh.” She looked
abashed only for a second. “Well, then, put on the boots so he can
see what they’ll look like on his girlfriend.”

“I really don’t think
that’s appropriate,” I mumbled, and scuttled back into the
office.

When I dared to raise
my head a few minutes later, Kane and Spider were discussing
Spider’s paper and Lola was looking disappointed. Linda hovered
nearby, her eyes sparkling with interest. I ducked back into my
paperwork and tried to concentrate.

By the time I emerged
cautiously at two-thirty, Lola was the only one left in the shop.
She pounced on me.