Ray of Sunlight (21 page)

“An iPhone… can you believe it?” I interrupted. “All the phones in the world that he could have gotten Daddy to buy him….”

He glared at me, but there wasn’t any heat in it. “I bought it myself, as you well know, Russ. And besides… don’t dis the iPhone.”

When I grinned triumphantly, he realized I had wanted to see if I could pull him off-topic, which was a “game” I played sometimes, and even I couldn’t have said exactly why I did it. Just to see if I could, I guess. This time I really wanted him to get back on track as soon as possible, though, so I didn’t say anything further, and he went back to explaining his idea.

“Anyway….” He glared again. “I have FaceTime, and so does Jacob.” CJ already knew that Jacob was the friend that Pete rode to church with, and was the one who let me keep my car at his house. “He says he’ll call my phone, which you will have with you CJ, shortly before the graduation starts and give it to Russ. So, it’ll be like you’re sitting right beside him. It’ll be even better than being there where you’d have to sit up in the stands far away from him.”

CJ just looked at the phone.

“Jacob is going to trust me with his phone?” was what I took away from all of that, for some reason.

Pete laughed. “I asked him that, actually. He says you’re trusting him with your car, so….”

I was still flabbergasted. And CJ was still looking at the phone.

He finally spoke. “Really?”

“Does that work for you? You okay with that?” Pete looked like he was getting a little concerned.

“Yeah.” CJ beamed, which apparently was what Pete had expected all along because he did too. “That’s great. That’s a fantastic idea, Pete.” He still seemed awed by the whole thing. “I can’t believe you’re willing to do that—and Jacob… I mean, he doesn’t even know me.”

“He knows of you,” Pete answered. “Russ talks about you any time Jacob is there when Russ gets his car, and you may appear in one or two of my conversations too.” He grinned.

CJ was speechless. That happened from time to time, and it always amazed me.

“Thanks, Pete” was all I could think of to say.

I
T
WORKED
like a charm. Right before the ceremony started, Jacob called CJ and instead of just handing me the phone, he talked to him for a little while. I couldn’t tell if Jake knew CJ and I were… more than friends, but if he knew, he didn’t seem to mind. I put it in the back of my mind to ask Pete later. But, Jacob knew enough to know that CJ was very important to me. He told CJ he was happy to help out and was glad it worked out that he could “be there” in some way or another.

I expected the teachers to have a cow because we weren’t supposed to have our cell phones out during the ceremony, but Pete told me that he had told them what was going on, and they were okay with it in my case, as long as it was only to CJ. Pete had long since explained to them exactly why I had such a sudden turnaround in my attitude about school, and they were happy to show some gratitude to CJ for helping me out.

The whole ceremony was a blur. I barely listened. I mostly just made silly faces at CJ, which he returned. It was all I could do not to make kissy faces, but I didn’t really think now would be an overly good time to “come out” to my classmates.

I wasn’t sure there would ever be a good time. As open as CJ was about his own sexuality, he encouraged me to be comfortable with mine, but he was a little leery of Allen and Mom finding out as long as I still had to live with them. And he wasn’t at all sure what my classmates or Pete’s church friends would think about it.

He wasn’t ashamed of being gay, and he helped me be completely unashamed too, but he didn’t want me to do anything to put myself at risk. I wasn’t sure I shared his concerns, but I understood them, and… as much as I’d like to shout from the rooftops that I was in love with CJ Calhoun, I didn’t… not yet. I hoped that he lived long enough to see me out of Allen’s house and on my own in college, so that I
could
shout it from the highest heights, but I would wait until then to do so, since CJ was worried about the world’s reaction.

When it came my turn to get up to stand at the side of the stage, waiting to go on, I was unsure of what I should do with the phone. I doubted they’d let me take it onstage. And even if they did, I wasn’t sure how I’d handle that, and the diploma, and the handshake and all that shit. Pete actually laughed at me—silently—when he saw what, no doubt, was a very perplexed expression on my face as I fumbled around with the phone. We didn’t have the same last name, so we weren’t side by side, but with his Martin and my Michaels, there were only two kids between us… so, close enough. I turned the phone toward Pete to let CJ see the treatment I was getting. I had no idea why I thought he’d actually be on my side. He started laughing too.

Pete pointed to Jacob who sat three rows back. He was far enough away that his row wouldn’t be asked to stand until our row got back. Apparently they had planned for this part of the ceremony too. They just hadn’t told me what they had decided. Pete mimicked handing the phone to the girl behind me and Becky reached out for the phone. Apparently they even let her in on the deal. I noted in the back of my mind to get Pete back later for not filling
me
in on this little detail.

As soon as I handed the phone to Becky, she handed it to Paul, and he handed it to Jake. Jacob gave me the thumbs up just as our row was asked to stand. As I started to get up, I saw Jake turn the camera so that CJ could see me making my way toward the center aisle, and I assumed he kept it on me while our row processed to the side of the stage and as it got to my turn to walk across it.

When Pete’s name was called, three people in front of me, it didn’t surprise me in the least that what seemed like everyone in the audience erupted in cheers. I didn’t expect any reaction at all when my name was called, so I was shocked when I got almost as loud a reception—and, as silly as the thought was, I could almost swear that I heard a tinny little voice from a cell phone louder than all of them.

A
S
SOON
as the ceremony was over, I told CJ I’d be right there, and gave Jake his cell phone back. I was shocked again when, as I thanked him for letting me use it, he pulled me into a hug and said, “No problem, my brother.” Pete explained later that he hadn’t been the only one who had noticed a big change in me this school year, and that there were a lot of people behind me… wishing the best for me. I had never once given it a thought. I had never needed anyone. But I found that I rather liked the idea. It was kind of nice to know that there were more than just CJ and Pete pulling for me.

I cut out as soon as I could and went to the hospital. CJ was sitting in his bed when I entered and pulled me into a huge hug as soon as I got close. I sat down on the edge of the bed and kissed him. We took turns deepening the kiss while we both ran our hands over the other’s back. Somewhere along the line—I couldn’t have even told anyone exactly when—CJ’s door was closed. When he noticed that, he scooted over a little and pulled me down to lie beside him in the bed. We kissed and touched a little more, but we were both so exhausted by the day’s events that we fell asleep a short time later.

When I woke up, I didn’t know how much later, there was a blanket draped over the two of us and even tucked in around us. I never found out which nurse was responsible for that.

O
NE
S
ATURDAY
,
a couple of weeks later, I went to the hospital, and went straight to CJ’s room. We were going to put the finishing touches on the mural in the main foyer, and maybe do a clown show for the neuro unit if he felt like it. It turned out he didn’t feel like either one.

He had had another treatment, and he was vomiting violently again.

“Ah, CJ.” I rushed to his bed. “It’s kicking your tail again, huh?”

Between bouts of vomiting, he said, “Russ, I think I’m going to ask the doctors to just stop the treatments. I’m emancipated, so they have to listen to me, right?”

“I don’t know how that works, CJ.” I stroked his head while he got sick again. “But I don’t want you to just give up.” I really didn’t. It was bad enough that I was going to lose him at some point. I didn’t want him to rush it along.

“It’s not like it’s working anymore anyway, Russ,” he said. “I just don’t want to be sick like this all the time. The weakness and everything, I can work through. I can still do the clown thing, can still help you paint, still spend time with you. Maybe even go out into the community some. But I can’t do any of that if I’m throwing up all the time.” He paused again, to do exactly that. “I could put up with it when the treatments were doing any good, but they’re not anymore, Russ. I need to actually
live
the time I have left… not spend it like this.” He leaned over and retched again.

I rubbed his head and gripped his shoulder by turns. When it looked like he might finally be finished for a little while, he slumped back against the pillow. He looked so bad. I just wanted to hold him. When I told him as much, he sat up again, and weakly swung his legs over the side.

“Help me to your chair.”

They had long since put a “comfortable” chair in his room for me to sit in when I visited. Their idea of comfortable, and mine, were definitely at odds, but they meant well, and it was better than the hard plastic thing that had been there.

I helped CJ to the recliner, and he motioned me to sit down. Then he climbed into my lap. He hardly weighed anything, anymore. He had been thin when I first met him, but he was positively skeletal now.

I helped him get comfortable and enfolded him in my arms. He snuggled up close and kissed me on the neck. When I leaned in to kiss him properly, he turned his face into my neck again.

“My breath is awful, Russ.”

“I don’t care, CJ.” I took his chin gently in my hand and lifted it upward. Then kissed him. Not deeply or passionately, just a kiss to let him know I was there, and that I wasn’t worried about his breath. I wasn’t worried about anything but him.

“I love you, Russ,” he said sleepily and snuggled back into my chest. I wasn’t at all sure that he didn’t fall asleep before I even finished telling him that I loved him too… so very much.

T
HAT
BECAME
the norm after that. I’d go back to CJ’s room after whatever activity we did that day, and we cuddled until he fell asleep. Then I lifted him into his bed and went home.

There were fewer and fewer days when he actually felt like doing much, but at least, with the treatments over, he didn’t vomit, so he could leave his room. I had to start taking him in a wheelchair to the clown shows. He’d get made up, and I’d insist he sit in the chair the nurses had provided to get to the elevator and down the long hallway to whichever playroom we were going to that day. Just outside the room, he’d stand up, so he could enter the room on foot.

“It’s showtime!” He’d still announce each time, and if the kids noticed the greeting was getting weaker and weaker each time, they never let on.

We finished the mural in the foyer and everyone loved it. Except for a few side halls here and there, just about every wall in the place was painted with some mural or another. CJ’s influence could be seen in each and every one. I was the artist on record, but he had been the inspiration. I owed so much to CJ, but every time I tried to tell him that, he’d just say that all I had needed was a little push. That he had seen greatness the moment he met me. I still didn’t know about greatness, but any goodness that was in me, I knew in my secret heart of hearts, was because CJ put it there.

T
OWARD
THE
end of June, I got another letter from the Art Institute. They wanted me to come up to an open-house thing for new students. It wasn’t mandatory, but it would be a good time to get to know the layout of the college and maybe meet some of the other new students.

CJ had been so excited when I got the letter, and it was something I wanted him to do with me, but he was feeling so bad lately, I knew it wasn’t a reasonable thing to try. So I hadn’t planned on going. Imagine my surprise when I walked into CJ’s room, followed closely by Pete, and Dr. Dunlap was there, pretty much arguing with CJ.

“Come on Dr. D,” CJ said, trying his best puppy dog look. “You know this is about the one thing I really want to do before….”

“I know, CJ, but…,” the doctor answered.

“I’m feeling better… a little… since we stopped the treatments. I don’t throw up anymore anyway. It’s not like I’m going to get any better if I stay here, and we’re only talking about a day.”

“CJ, you can’t even walk the length of the hallway anymore without getting winded.”

“I’m not asking to walk there, Dr. D.” CJ rolled his eyes but was obviously playing. “And it’s only a three-hour drive. We’ll be up and back in one day.”

“That’s still a lot of driving,” the doctor added.

I wasn’t even completely sure what they were talking about yet, so I was shocked when Pete jumped in.

“Doc, I called the college. They know all about the situation and how important it is that CJ come too. The entire campus is wheelchair accessible, and they’ve offered to give us three a private tour so we won’t have to try to keep up with the group or anything. They have plenty of shade so we can stop whenever we need to and let CJ rest.”

“See?” CJ wheedled. “I’m even willing to sit in a wheelchair. See how important it is to me?”

The doctor seemed to be waffling a little. “Do you have a route planned out, Pete?”

“Yeah, I’ll use GPS on my phone.”

“Get it mapped out on an actual map, so I can find nearby hospitals all along the route.” He turned to CJ. “You’d have to take a tank of oxygen, just in case, and be willing to use it when needed. No arguing.” When CJ’s eyes lit up, the doctor was quick to continue. “
If
I decide to let you try.” He turned to talk to Pete again. “I’ll give you a crash course on the meds he needs and when he needs them, and my personal cell phone number. You’d have to promise to call me if
anything
goes wrong.”