Ray of Sunlight (19 page)

“And that’s another thing, Dad. You haven’t even met CJ, but you act like you hate him too.”

“It’s our duty to hate those against God.”

“Bullshit.” I had never heard Pete cuss at Allen before. And I had certainly never seen Allen strike Pete. But he did that day. He backhanded him across the cheek, and Pete hit the floor.

“Stay down and think about whose side you want to be on,” Allen sneered and then stomped away.

I just stood frozen to the spot for a second. Pete was rubbing his cheek, seemingly in shock. I shook myself out of my stupor before he did, so I reached down to help him up.

“Thanks for taking up for me,” I said sincerely. “I don’t want you to get in trouble with your dad, though. I’m supposed to be the punching bag. Not you.”

“No one should have to be, Russ.” He got up and moved his mouth in goofy ways, trying to test his jaw out. It’s funny how everyone does that after being hit in the jaw. Like we think it’s not going to work right anymore or something. I had done it myself before. I just had never realized how funny it looked.

Meanwhile, Allen was downstairs yelling at Mom that she had fifteen minutes to get that brat of a kid of hers to move the piece of shit car out of his driveway, or he was going to have it towed. He would too. I wasn’t sure why it hadn’t occurred to me that he would just prohibit me from having the thing. I’m sure he saw it for what it was: an attempt to take power away from him. It would be a way for me to get around more freely, without being dependent on him, and he hated that.

“What am I going to do, Pete?” I never asked his opinion before, but lately I’d seen a different side of Pete. Or maybe the side had always been there, but I was too angry to see it. “He’s just going to tow the thing.”

“No, he’s not.” Pete seemed to have an idea. “Go start it up and meet me at Jacob’s. I bet his parents will let you park it at their house. They have a big driveway.”

They did too. They lived down the street. Jacob was the friend Pete rode to church with. If they would let me park the car there, it would solve a bunch of problems. It would be out of Allen’s jurisdiction but still close enough to walk to. They only lived two blocks away.

I got into my car and backed out. Allen looked on, triumphantly, from the doorway. Pete had called Jacob, and he was out in the driveway by the time we got there.

“Hey, Russ.” He greeted me with a smile. “You got a car?”

“Clearly.” That sounded like a shitty reply even to me. I wasn’t exactly sure why I tended to snark first and ask questions later.

Jacob just rolled his eyes. “Well, Mom says you can park over here. There’s enough room for three cars, and we only have two.”

Once we finally got the car situation figured out, I set out for the hospital.

CJ
WAS
partially in clown garb by the time I got to the hospital, and for some reason I saw red… and not just his wig.

“CJ. What the fuck are you doing?”

“Burn unit today.” He tried to smile, but it wasn’t working.

“No way.” I took his shoulders. “Get your ass back in that bed.”

“Why, Russ?” He looked genuinely perplexed.

“Why?” My voice squeaked. “I thought I was going to lose you yesterday.”

“Not yesterday.” He got serious. “But, Russ… someday….”

I still had hold of his shoulders, and I pulled him closer. “I know.” My voice cracked. “God, CJ. I know. But do you have to hurry it along?”

He hugged me tight. “This won’t hurry it along, Russ. You and the clown thing are the only things keeping me alive.”

“CJ….” I kissed the curls on his red wig. “I don’t want to lose you.”

“I know.” He sniffled. “I wish I could say you won’t, but….”

I held him tighter.

“I thought I had come to terms with it, Russ,” he said into my chest. “I never wanted to die, but I thought I was okay with it. But then you came along.”

I didn’t know what to say to any of that. It hadn’t occurred to me what my relationship with CJ might be doing to him. I mean, I knew it was changing my life. But it hadn’t occurred to me how it might affect him… good or bad.

“I’m making it harder for you?” I didn’t want to think that, but I didn’t know what else to think.

“No, Russ.” He raised his head and looked at me. “Yes, but… I wouldn’t trade it, Russ. I’m so glad I had a chance to know you… and to think that you love me… as much as I love you. That’s something I never thought I’d find. But, as wonderful as it is, it does make it a little harder to accept… everything. Before, I didn’t have anything I’d really miss, you know? I mean, I had things I wanted to do before I went: get my associate’s degree, keep doing the clown stuff. But none of it was anything I’d really miss, you know? But you….” His voice caught. “I don’t want to think about leaving you.”

I just held him tight again. “I don’t either, CJ.” I sniffled into his wig. “God, I don’t either.”

We stayed like that for quite some time, but finally, CJ pulled back, put a fake smile on his face and started getting ready for the clown show again.

“CJ, really?” I wasn’t going to try to talk him out of it… not really. But I was certainly going to make sure he knew how I felt. “Do you have to do this today? What’s the harm in waiting one more day… get a little stronger first?”

“I’m not going to get stronger, Russ. I’m….” CJ started stuttering a little. “I’m….”

I just crushed him to my chest again. I didn’t know what to say. What could I say? I knew I was going to lose him. I had always known. I just hadn’t known how very hard that was going to be.

W
E
GOT
through the clown show in the burn ward with me doing most of the overly physical stuff. The kids had fun, but I think some of them realized that CJ wasn’t as enthusiastic as usual. Ms. Carol certainly noticed. She approached me after the show, while the kids were helping CJ put everything away.

“How’s he doing, Russ?”

“Not good,” I answered honestly. I was sure that CJ would’ve wanted to go on as if nothing was wrong, and not really tell anyone how bad he felt, but she asked, and I couldn’t lie to her. Besides, she could just ask anyone on Oncology. They had a confidentiality agreement—to not share a patient’s information without permission—but that didn’t apply to other staff. They were supposed to know everything about the kids in their own ward, of course, but they often knew what was going on, at least in a general sense, with the children on the other units as well.

“How are
you
doing?”

That was a harder question to answer. “I honestly don’t know. This is hard. I know I’m going to lose him, but….”

She just gripped my shoulder and gave me a hug. I wasn’t sure when I had become so huggable, but lots of the female staff hugged me now, from time to time. I knew no one would have when I first came here. I was sure that I had subconsciously gave off “leave me the hell alone” vibes. Apparently I didn’t do that anymore.

By then, CJ was ready to go and looked like he was going to pass out right then and there if I didn’t get him back to his room.

Ms. Carol squeezed CJ gently and told him to take care, then gave me another smile, and CJ and I left.

CJ
HAD
been attempting to get me to do more and more of the show for a while by then. He had even told me he was grooming me to take over for him once he was gone.

“CJ, I don’t know about that, now.” I wanted to do whatever he asked, but I really wasn’t sure about this. “I’m not the clown type.”

He chuckled. “You do a great job as a clown. But it doesn’t have to be a clown show. Do your own thing… like you have been. Draw, teach them to draw, whatever. I want to know someone is going to be there for them.”

“There’s all the people from Pete’s church now,” I pointed out. “The kids’ll be fine.”

“I want someone that I trust. I want someone who loves them as much as I do.”

I didn’t know what to say to that. I did love the kids, but I wasn’t cut out to be a clown. “CJ, I….”

“Promise me, Russ.” He was pulling out all the stops.

“CJ, that’s not fair. I’ll… I….” I didn’t know how to tell him “no.” And I could tell he wouldn’t take “no” for an answer anyway. “I’ll try, but hopefully I’ll be in college and….”

“You
will
be in college. You’ve worked hard and pulled up your grades. No problem now. You’re definitely in. And you’ll have a great career.” He was always a lot more confident about my future than I was. “But, I’m not asking for everyday shows, or even every week. Just check in on them from time to time. Let them know you’re still there for them. Remind them of me every once in a while. Let them know how much I will always love them.”

Now I knew why it was so important. He wanted to make sure the kids didn’t forget him. I could do that. I had already vowed to myself that no one in the world was going to forget him, and I would make sure everyone I knew, knew of him. He was the single most important person in my life, and was very important in a lot of other lives. I could do this for him.

“Okay, CJ.” I smiled and he beamed. “I can do that.”

He kissed me and then pulled me to his dressing table. “I’ve got some ideas for your face paint.”

In my defense, he had said nothing about face paint before. But still, I would do just about anything for CJ. I could handle face paint, if that’s what he wanted.

T
HIS
WHOLE
time, ever since Barbara mentioned that the board wanted me to paint a mural in the main foyer, CJ and I had been wracking our brains, trying to figure out what would send the right message. What would be an appropriate first look at the facility? What would bring some hope and sunlight to those poor sick kids and their families when they first entered the building?

“What about exactly that?” CJ finally asked. “Sunlight. Rays of sunlight.”

“We have to have more than just sunlight, though,” I remarked. “I can’t just draw a big sun. There has to be something else.”

“Well,” CJ said, thinking, “what else does New York not have much of?”

“Kindness?” I teased. “I don’t know how to draw that.”

“Ha, ha.” He grinned. “Woods. Forests. Green, living things.”

“What? You want me to draw a forest scene?” I wasn’t sure about that. Sure, I could draw it, a realistic forest scene, flooded in sunlight, but that didn’t really say “Children’s Hospital” to me.

“No, Russ.” Sometimes he said that like he thought he had drastically overestimated my intelligence. “Cartoon trees, frolicking in the sunlight.”

I pursed my lips and scowled. “Did you just honestly use the word ‘frolicking’ in a sentence? Who says ‘frolicking’?”

He mock-glared too. “Well, obviously… I do.”

I laughed. I couldn’t keep up even a pretend mad with CJ. “I might actually be able to do something with that.” I took out my now ubiquitous sketchpad and started drawing ideas.

CJ looked over my shoulder and offered suggestions from time to time. Before long, I had pages of ideas… enough for all the walls in the entrance foyer, not just the main wall opposite the doors. There were pine trees dancing with each other; some maples sitting together, playing jacks; even one sycamore tree in a wheelchair being pushed by an oak. All around the whole scene dandelions and daisies were doing a ring-around-the-rosy dance.

CJ loved it. But he had one suggestion.

“Make the faces look like some of the kids here.”

I wasn’t sure I could do that, but I gave it a shot. I’m not sure anyone could really pick out who was supposed to be whom, but it did lend the whole thing a little more character. Instead of everything just being generic cartoon plants, they all looked like children.

We turned it in to Barbara, who loved it.

“Oh, Russ,” she said, smiling, “I love it. The board will too, I’m sure.” Then she hugged me. “I’m so proud of you.”

I wasn’t sure what to say to that. No one had ever come out and said they were proud of me before. Not even CJ… not in so many words, though I knew that he was. He didn’t have to say it. But, the point was, I wasn’t used to hearing those words and didn’t know how to respond. Barbara must have picked up on that.

“Russ….” She pulled back from the hug and made sure I was looking at her. “Just say thank you.”

I chuckled. I could do that. “Thank you.”

She looked over to CJ. “Work on his ego, would you?”

“Oh, I think he has a big enough ego,” CJ answered. “In fact, I always wonder how it fits in the building, it’s so big.” He chuckled to let me know he was kidding, but I already knew that and was smiling back. “He just needs to work on accepting a compliment.”

Barbara laughed and said, “Okay, work on that, then.”

CJ promised he would.

Barbara handed the drawings over to the board. I about half expected them to say it was too silly, but they loved it. They told us to get started on it right away.

It took a couple of days to get the supplies, but before we knew it, we were set up in the main foyer, making the murals a reality.

I
T
WAS
spring, and as promised, Mr. North and some other volunteers had been helping the kids learn to play various instruments and had organized a recital. It actually turned into more of a talent show than just a musical instrument recital. Some of the kids couldn’t play any instrument very well because of their physical disabilities, but some could sing, or sign to music, so there were volunteers who set that up and had been helping them practice. There were a couple of children who wanted to dance, so the volunteers made that happen. One lady had a small group of kids who were working on the same PT goals… gross motor exercises to rotate their trunk and stretch their limbs. She had picked some music at a speed they could manage and had them do their exercises to that. They wanted to do that for the talent show, so we had our very own dance-to-exercise group.

There was an eight-year-old girl in Neuro, Monica, who had desperately wanted to be part of the show, but couldn’t move much of her body at all. She had a degenerative disorder and needed a communicator to talk… and by now she could barely operate that. But, before the disorder had progressed so much, she had loved to dance.