Rapturous (36 page)

“Oh,” Kristian replies. “That’s too bad. Would’ve been nice to see her again.”

I see Natalie and Addie exchange intrigued glances at Kristian’s apparent interest in seeing Natalie’s friend again. I’m sure they’ll be matchmaking in no time with that little tidbit now out in
the open. Poor Kristian.
 

Addie settles herself against me, her arm wrapped around mine. “You’re quiet.”

“Decompressing. Second-guessing.”

“What’re you second-guessing?”

“The film,” I say, quickly realizing she thinks I meant us.

“What about it?”

“Oh, the usual… coulda, shoulda, woulda. After that last time through last night, I’ll never watch it again.”

She raises her head off my shoulder.
“
Why?
”

“I’ll see something that’ll piss me off because I didn’t fix it when I had the chance.”

“When you look for the flaws, you run the risk of overlooking the magic.”

Her wise statement applies to much more than my moviemaking-induced anxiety.
 

“How’d you get so wise?” I ask, cuffing her chin.

Smiling, she says, “I’m not all that wise.”

Raising the armrest between us, I put my arm around
her and bring her in as close as I can get her in the restrictive confines of the seats. “I think you are, possibly, the wisest person I know.”

“And you are, without a doubt, the most brilliant filmmaker of your generation.
Insidious
is brilliant.
Camouflage
is brilliant. All your films are amazing, and so is the person whose vision makes them possible in the first place.”

“I hate to point out
that you may be a tad bit biased,” I say, embarrassed by her effusiveness.

She sighs and puts her head back on my shoulder, making it impossible for me to read that ridiculously expressive face of hers.

“Why the deep sigh?”

“Sometimes I wish you could see yourself the way other people do.”

I’m almost afraid to ask. “What do you mean?”

“When people say you’re the most gifted director of your
generation, they aren’t saying that to blow smoke up your ass. They say it because it’s true. I say it because it’s true, not because I’m in love with you. I know your childhood was less than ideal, Hayden, but you grew up to be a very fine man who everyone on this plane is honored to call friend, partner, collaborator. You take care of the people you love even if you have trouble telling them
how you feel. You’re nothing at all like the people who raised you, and regardless of what you believe, I often feel like
I’m
not good enough for
you
.”

They are, quite simply, the most magnificent compliments I’ve ever received from anyone, and I’m rendered speechless. I tighten the grip I have on her shoulder.

She lifts her head off my shoulder to look into my eyes, which have to be shinier
than they were a minute ago. “So shut up about the film being anything less than perfect, will you please?”

“Sure, baby.” I smile at her, my heart full to overflowing. “Whatever you say.”

 
Chapter 19

The time in Mexico is pure bliss—sunshine, lots of laughter with most of my favorite people, amazing food, all the booze we can drink and some of the sexiest nights of my life with Hayden. He’s lightened up somewhat since our talk on the plane, but he’s still burdened by something—and I suspect that something
is my father’s disapproval.
 

Since that night at his place before he saw my dad, there’s been no more talk of our house on the coast, the blue-eyed children or the life we might one day have, but that’s okay. I’m giving him all the time and space he needs, hoping he’ll relax during this much-needed getaway. I’m also trying not to think about how he’ll soon be leaving town for a few months to
shoot his next film in the Middle East.

The thought of all that time away from him makes me sick at heart. But we’ll get through it. Even though we’ve had our ups and downs, I’m more convinced than ever that we belong together, and I’ll fight to the bitter end to make that happen.

I’ve had a few tense conversations with my dad since the day Hayden saw him. I understand that he has a right to
his opinion, but I’ve urged him to spend more time with Hayden and with the two of us together before he passes judgment. He’s agreed to think about it, leaving us truly at odds for the first time in my life.
 

I’m not sure what I’ll do if he never comes around to seeing what I do in Hayden, but I’ve made up my mind that if our relationship has to permanently change because of the choice I’ve
made, then so be it. I’ll miss the closeness I’ve always shared with Dad, but I won’t sacrifice my happiness—or Hayden’s.

A thunderstorm blows in after dinner on our fourth night in Mexico, and everyone is hunkered down in various corners of the big house. Jasper, Sebastian, Kristian and Emmett are playing an intense game of high-stakes poker while Leah, Ellie and Marlowe look on, taking sides,
teasing and generally rabble-rousing. Natalie is in the kitchen cleaning up after dinner. She chased us all out when we offered to help, and we let her. I’ve noticed how much she enjoys mothering us all, and I wonder how long it’ll be before she’s mothering a baby.
 

“Where did Hayden and Flynn get off to?” I ask.

“I heard something about cigars, so you might check the den.”

“Ewww.”

“That’s
exactly why I’m in here rather than in there.”

“Wise woman. What is it about men and their cigars anyway?”

“I have no idea,” she says, “but they do remind me of my grandpa.” The wistful expression on her face is a poignant reminder of the family she left behind as a young girl. “If you find my husband, tell him I was looking bored and lonely.”

Laughing, I squeeze her shoulder. “I’ll give him
the message.” I leave the kitchen and head down the short flight of stairs that leads to the den on the lower level where Hayden and I have been staying. I’m about to knock on the partially closed door when their voices stop me.

“So you already bought a ring?” Flynn asks.

“Yeah, Hugh hooked me up.”

I raise one hand to my heart and another to cover my mouth to contain my shriek of excitement.
 

“So when’re you going to pop the question?”

“I don’t think I’m going to, actually.”

Like a balloon stuck by a pin, I’m deflated, and tears fill my eyes.

“Why not?” Flynn sounds almost as disappointed as I feel. “I thought you were crazy about her.”

“I am. I’m out of my mind over her.”

“Then what’s the problem?”

“Simon hates me. He made it clear he’ll never approve of us together, and he’s
too important to Addie to pretend like that doesn’t matter. Somehow, he even knows about the kink.”

“Fuck. He came right out and said that?”

“He said word on the street is I need to tie up a woman to get off, and I could tell the thought of me with his daughter thoroughly disgusts him.”

“Yikes. What does she say?”

“That she’ll work it out with him, but we both know if she marries me, her relationship
with him will be permanently fucked. She’s said she can live with that, but what if she can’t? What if she hates me someday for forcing her to choose between us? I don’t know, Flynn. I just don’t know. I’m fucking losing my shit over this.”

The sob that’s been trying to get out breaks free of the hand I’ve placed over my mouth. It’s loud, and they go quiet. I know they heard me. I have to get
out of here. I have to get out of here now. I push through the door that leads to the pool deck and run out into the rain that’s coming down in sheets. It’s a cold rain that soaks through the light dress I’m wearing in a matter of seconds. I reach the end of the pool deck and take the stairs that lead to a path we hiked the other day.

I hear him and Flynn calling my name, but I keep running.
I can’t do this anymore. All the determination I felt only ten minutes ago has deserted me in the face of his statements to Flynn. Either he wants me or he doesn’t, but I can no longer love him enough for both of us. He’s gaining on me, so I run faster, blinded by the rain and the wind and darkness. I should be scared, but I’m too numb to feel anything other than a fierce need to flee.
 

“Addison!”
He’s still quite a ways behind me, and just as I decide to cut right onto a different trail, my foot catches on a root and I pitch forward into the darkness, screaming as I claw for something to hold on to while sliding precariously downward, propelled by mud. My hand finds a narrow branch and I cling to it. I have no idea what’s below me or how far the fall would be. Maybe this is it. I’m going
to die out here, and whereas the thought of that would’ve terrified me an hour ago, now…

“Addie!” He’s much closer now, and I don’t want to die. I don’t want this to be the end, even if my heart is shattered.

“Hayden!”

“Sweetheart, where are you? Keep talking to me.”

“Down here.”

“Oh my God. Don’t move. Hold on as tight as you can. I’m going to get you.” In the darkness, I can barely make
him out about three feet above me. He’s flat on his stomach, reaching down for me. “Give me your hand.”

“I can’t let go.”

“Baby, you have to trust me. I won’t let anything happen to you. I swear. Give me your hand.”

The ground that’s holding me shifts precariously, sending a jolt of adrenaline crashing through me that gives me the courage to reach for him, to put my trust in him. His grip on
my wrist is tight enough to shatter my bones, but he doesn’t let go. Flynn is there, too, pulling on Hayden as he pulls on me.

It takes both of them to drag me back up onto the trail and into his trembling arms.
 

“Oh my God.” He holds me so tightly I’m afraid I’ll truly break. “Addison. Oh my God.”

Still on his knees next to us, Flynn’s head is bowed as he pants from the exertion.
 

“Baby.”
Hayden sounds as shattered as I feel. “God, I love you so much. Don’t ever run away from me again. Promise me. I love you.” He’s hugging me and kissing me and rocking me as the rain comes down even harder than it was before. “I need you to promise me.”

“I promise. I’m sorry.”

“No, no. You have nothing to be sorry about. I’m the one who fucked this up every which way.
You
are absolutely perfect,
and I love you.”

“Let’s get you guys back to the house,” Flynn says.

Hayden picks me up, and I wrap my arms and legs around him, burrowing my face into his neck, breathing in the scent of my love, the only man I’ll ever love. Back at the house, he walks me directly into the lower-level shower, the warm water chasing the chill away. He holds me for minutes, or maybe hours, for all I know, before
he sets me down to help me out of my sopping clothes while I do the same for him.

Then he lifts me back into his arms, and I squirm against him, needing the connection I can only get with him. He brings me down on his hard cock, entering me slowly, carefully, gently, as if I’m the most precious thing in his world, and for once, I finally believe that maybe I am.

“I love you more than my own
life, Addison. If anything ever happened to you, I’d die, too.”

“I’m okay. I’m right here.”