Randa (18 page)

You left no scar on my heart

And no hole in my soul

You don’t fill my thoughts

You are gone and I am strong

If I don’t cry, then it doesn’t count

Did it ever even happen?

There’s no evidence that you were even here

Do you even exist?

I bet it was only a dream

Because I didn’t cry, so it doesn’t count

You weren’t an amazing man

You didn’t love me like no other

Our life was going to be one big adventure

Obviously, we didn’t matter

Because you left me standing alone

Closing the door on our future

If I don’t cry, then it doesn’t count

Did it ever even happen?

There’s no evidence that you were even here

Do you even exist?

I bet it was only a dream

Because I didn’t cry, so it doesn’t count

You won’t cripple my life

Heck, I never even cared

”Thank you Randa. We certainly enjoyed it, but you have always written cheerful songs that are about love and the search for
The One
as you call it, until now. Have you changed your mind about the significance of finding and keeping romantic love in our lives?”

“Of course not,” Randa stated confidently. “There seem to be very few people who don’t want someone to love and care about them on a deeper level. So many people suffer from loneliness. My desire has always been to provide hope to those who might otherwise give up in their search for a mate.”

“Is someone ever too old to find their significant other?” Jill asked.

“No, never! Even though Taylor and other talented singers and musicians turn my lyrics into these cool, upbeat songs, which naturally appeal to young adults, my songs are written for people of all ages. As long as a person feels that distinct yearning and is willing to put forth the minimum of necessary effort, age should not be an inhibiting factor. When people believe that there is a possibility and that a chance remains, most won’t give up. As we get older, it does seem to become much more difficult connecting with people, especially members of the opposite sex, who might be harmonious with us. I recently read an obituary in the newspaper of a college English professor who finally met his soul mate when he was 63 years old. They married and he and his wife were fortunate enough to have 26 wonderful years together before he died.”

“Wow! That’s very inspiring! How fortunate were they, when so many older people end up being alone.”

“Yes, very, very fortunate,” Randa nodded in agreement.

“Do you believe in soul mates? That there is one ‘out there’ for each of us?”

“Yes, I do Jill! According to Greek mythology, humans originally consisted of four arms, four legs, and a single head made of two faces, but Zeus, the Greek King of the Gods, feared their power, so he split them all in half, condemning them to spend their lives searching for the other half to complete them,” Randa stated.”Now, what a romantic and enchanting idea that we love, right? I know I do. To find
The One
person who is our other half and who would make us whole and perfect would be one of the greatest blessings ever to be received. Many people insist that they have found their soul mate. There is no way to prove or disprove their claim. And it really doesn’t matter because what they think and how they feel is all that counts at the end of the day. Having said that, I think that it is very important to realize that you can meet a terrific person and have a healthy and loving relationship with them and he or she may or may not be your soul mate and that is okay. The idea of a ‘soul mate’ sometimes puts too much pressure on an intimacy when we are all simply imperfect human beings. Great communication is one of the key elements to a successful relationship, but if we are with our soul mate, it’s easiest to think that they can read our mind and automatically know what our needs are and how to fulfill them. When that doesn’t happen, disappointment surfaces, sometimes quietly and sometimes ferociously, damaging the bond. For our own well-being, it is essential that we are aware of our own individual souls. We need to regard them as magnificent and we need to nurture and nourish them, so that they are vibrant and strong in this sometimes shivering cold and very harsh world.”

“Randa have you ever encountered someone or something negative that made you examine your beliefs?” Jill asked curiously.

“There are lots of people in the world who have become jaded about love because of unsuccessful relationships and they can be very vocal about their cynicism, but rarely do I consciously challenge my beliefs because they are so strong and deeply imbedded into my being.”

“What about unconsciously? Do you ever catch yourself involuntarily questioning your ideas?” Jill smiled mischievously.

Randa laughed. Jill’s clever ability to notice the contrary aspect of a subject so subtly was always to be expected.”I have Jill and my one question was, ‘Is love real?’ Somehow deep down, we know that it’s the only thing that is real and that’s why we crave it so desperately, but how do you find
The One
?” Randa slowly drew a deep breath, “the only hope is to reach out and give the purest and truest love that you have in your heart and believe that someday, someone will return it back to you.”

“The lyrics for ‘If I Don’t Cry, Then It Doesn’t Count’ seem very personal. Did you write it while thinking of someone in particular?”

Randa turned and scanned the audience who was eagerly awaiting her response. “Yes, a man who was very special to me.”

“Oh?” Jill said sounding surprised even though she knew of Randa and John’s relationship.

“Yes and he ended our love affair without an explanation,” Randa said quietly.

“I see.”

“The ironic part is that all of the lyrics are a total farce, because he was an amazing man, unlike anyone that I have ever known. It hurt terribly when he told me good-bye. I cried every night for months. I was very much in love with him.” Randa’s words echoed inside her mind and stillness permeated the air as she realized just how candid she had been with her innermost feelings.

“Are you still in love with this man Randa?”

Randa looked down at the floor for a moment. She felt her throat closing up and tears began to fill her soft eyes. She looked up at Jill and quietly said, ‘no’ as a single tear ran down her cheek.

Jill’s empathy and kindness prevailed. She deftly changed the subject and started asking questions about breaking into the songwriting business. Randa was relieved and eagerly shared her unconventional career path and her favorite quote by writer Emily Dickinson, ‘Dwell in Possibility,’ which were words that she lived her life by, at least until the breakup. The interview quickly wrapped up and Randa realized that her hand was shaking. No one had noticed it, but she felt it and quickly started flexing it, hoping to relax it.

As soon as she walked out of the studio, she turned on her phone and it began ringing. Taylor was calling. “Randa! Jill called me after the interview and told me what happened. How could you say that you don’t love John anymore?”

“Because I don’t!” Randa exclaimed. “Meet me at Lux’s for dinner at 8:00 Taylor and we’ll catch up.”

“I can’t wait to hear what happened!” Taylor squealed.

“Nothing has happened Taylor,” Randa snapped since she was a bit exasperated at her best friend.

Taylor was a few minutes late arriving at Lux’s, but Randa knew to expect that and used the time to close her eyes for a moment and remember how it felt to have John’s arms around her as he hugged her. He would always lean back and tilt her chin slightly upward so that he could look deeply into her with his twinkling blue eyes that reveled at the edge of her soul in blissful delight.

Randa immediately opened her eyes when she heard Taylor sit down at the table. Randa smiled at Taylor and that was all it took for her to begin talking non-stop until their entrées were served. Randa was grateful to just sit quietly and listen. She felt that she had said more than enough for one day. Baring her deep feelings publicly, though not her intention, was actually somewhat liberating she realized. If John thought that she was still pining over him, this would set things straight. He had thrown away everything that they had created together and she had waited for him to come back long enough! Life was about living. John could just stay up on that slope and never come down for all she cared!

“Randa, did you hear me?”

“What? Oh, I’m sorry Taylor. I was lost in my own thoughts.”

“That’s okay. I saw the interview for myself. It was really good, but I was surprised that you were so candid about John.”

”You know that my heart has cried so many tears over him Taylor. I always thought that my love for John was worth holding onto. I’ve kept it safe and I’ve kept it sacred and I’ve protected it. I even fight for it even when my mind tells me to walk away and abandon it. I’m just becoming numb and that’s not my nature. I truly thought that John was ‘The One.’” Randa paused, “Do you remember that it always felt like something was missing for me with everyone that I ever dated until I met John?”

Taylor nodded.

“It feels as though I have loved him and only him my entire life. I still don’t know what happened between us. If only he would have just talked to me and confided in me, we would have worked through whatever the issue was. Did he not have faith in us and believe? If I don’t move forward now, I may never. My emotions have been so raw, for so long.”

Taylor could only agree with Randa. They changed the subject and finished their meals. Once at home, Randa settled into her lustrous king-sized bed to watch the replay of Jill’s show. As hard as it was to watch, she couldn’t resist. Afterward, Randa thought, oh how wonderful it would be to just pull the memories out of her heart and relive them for a little bit and think about John and their wonderful times together, but that always leads to the ending which was always the same, John leaving. That memory only caused more pain. Her ringing phone interrupted her thoughts. It was Jill’s assistant at the studio calling.

“Hello, this is Randa.”

“Hi Randa, this is Mandy. I just wanted to let you know that there has been over 200 emails from viewers, or shall we say men, who saw the show and want to meet you, so we gave them your Randa songwriting fan page to contact you. Jill thought that you might like to know.”

“Thank you Mandy. I appreciate the phone call and please thank Jill for me,” Randa said as she pressed the end button on her phone.

Yeah, I’m swimming in sweet memories, but the sharks are circling. They can smell the blood as I’m licking my wounds and limping away from you John.

Fox looked directly at him, “John, there’s something you need to see.”

Earlier Fox received a phone call from Taylor. After catching up on each other’s lives, Taylor began, “Fox, we both saw Randa and John’s relationship blossom into a glorious love. I truly believe that they belong together.” Taylor paused and waited for Fox’s response.

“I think so too,” Fox agreed.

It’s been over a year and Randa’s love for him is still very much alive, not in some weird obsessive way, but in a quiet calm flow right below the surface. Most likely John has been pining away for her up there on the North Slope and no one even knows it. I haven’t been able to figure out exactly what happened to cause John to just walk away from her, but I really believe that one day he will regret it if he doesn’t already.”

“I wish that I knew what happened, but he hasn’t mentioned one word about Randa since the break-up,” Fox replied. “John and I have been very close since the day they moved to the ranch. I spent many, many hours with him when his parents split up, consoling him and being there for him because they really weren’t. He is like a son to me, but he’s also my close friend and I respect his privacy.”

Taylor and Fox shared an allegiance toward each other and Taylor knew that she could always count on him to help her in any way that he could, so she continued, “Fox, I am not wanting you to pry, I just want John to watch an interview that Randa did yesterday on the show, Celebrity Closeup. I will email you the link and when the opportunity arises though preferably as soon as possible have John watch it, that’s all.”

“Why do you want him to watch that?” Fox asked.

“Well, if John is still in love with her, I’m hoping that it will jolt him into waking up and getting Randa back before he really does lose her love permanently. She is a very beautiful lady who has a lot to offer and she might not stay single for long. Women are swept off their feet all the time and occasionally that results in someone making a regrettable, impetuous move. Men are already lining up to ask Randa out. Most of them are darn good-looking and very accomplished.” Taylor knew that those weren’t the most important characteristics Randa desired in a man, since she was always substance over style and considered the goodness in a person’s heart extremely important. However, the flirtatious attention that she was starting to receive would certainly capture her attention for a while, and maybe just long enough for one of her admirers to steal her heart.

“There is one thing that gives this a sense of urgency,” Taylor advised.

Fox waited patiently for her to finish.

“Randa said that she no longer loves him.”

“Oh,” Fox understood that it was possibly one of the last chances to help Randa
and
John, if it wasn’t already too late. “It just so happens that John is here on the ranch on a break from the Slope.”

“Thank you Fox.”

“I hope this is the right thing to do. One question, does Randa know about this?” Fox asked.

“No. And I love you Fox, you’re the best!” Taylor said giggling.

“So are you Taylor,” Fox replied as he ended the call.

Fox pulled up the video on the computer screen as John sat down next to him. Fox hit the play button, as John looked over at him puzzled. Fox rose from his chair and excused himself, so John could watch the piece privately.