Randa (17 page)

“Oh my goodness,” Taylor said, “you thought I was John.”

Randa laughed. “Yes, I did, but it is wonderful to see you,” she said giving Taylor a hug.

Taylor said, “thank you” as she made her way to the sofa. Randa followed her wondering what the matter was with her usually bubbly friend. Taylor sat down and Randa sat down on the loveseat across from her.

“What’s wrong Taylor?” Randa asked.

“I’m not quite sure myself,” Taylor said as she reached into her purse and pulled out a small blue envelope that had ‘RANDA’ neatly written on the front of it. Handing it to her, Taylor had a vacant look on her face. Randa recognized John’s handwriting. Turning it over, she found an opening in the seal and slid her finger under it carefully. Running her finger down and back up the other side, the flap flew up when she reached the end. Randa just couldn’t imagine what was going on. She saw a note inside and removed it from the envelope. Opening it, she read the words, but couldn’t believe them. Reading the note over and over, she just sat there stunned. Finally, Taylor asked her what it said. Randa had a huge lump in her throat, so she handed the paper to her. Taylor read,

Randa,

I just don’t think that I’m cutout or meant to be with someone. I am so sorry Baby Doll. Please forgive me. I will love you forever.

John

“I don’t understand,” were all of the words that Randa could choke out.

“John went back to the North Slope today,” Taylor told her.

“What are you talking about?” Randa implored. “He wasn’t supposed to leave until tomorrow afternoon.”

“Fox called me. John left your note and a note for him on the kitchen counter. His note just said that he was going back to the North Slope and Fox confirmed that John is aboard the company plane and that it’s on its way to Anchorage. I went out to the ranch and picked up this note for you.”

“I don’t understand,” Randa cried once again. She had tears in her eyes that were on the verge of spilling down her face in desperate despair.

“I asked Fox if he knew what was going on, but John didn’t say anything to him.”

“I’m going to call John.” Randa rose and picked up her phone and pressed the button under his name and picture. It began to ring. Randa’s heart was beating so hard. She thought that it would jump out of her chest. It continued ringing, but there was no answer, only the opportunity for her to leave a voicemail. Randa hung up.

Taylor stood up and walked over to her friend, hugging her. “I’m so sorry Randa.” Randa burst into tears and Taylor just held her. Her body shook, racked with the pain of her tender heart breaking and so many dreams being crushed, as she sobbed uncontrollably.

Taylor stayed the night at Randa’s home and the next morning she fixed a nice pancake breakfast for them, thinking that some comfort food would help Randa when nothing else would.

The smell of pepper bacon sizzling on the stove reached Randa’s room and prompted her to get out of bed. She hadn’t slept in hours and she was tired of lying there. She trudged into the kitchen and sat down at the breakfast bar. Taylor handed her an ice-cold glass of orange juice and gave her a hug. “How are you doing?” she asked.

Randa tried to gather enough good feeling to smile, but it just wasn’t there. She felt the tears well up in her eyes. She just couldn’t help it.

Taylor threw an arm around her. “Don’t worry. Everything will be okay. You’ll see.” Taylor had no idea how she would pull that off. She couldn’t stand seeing her best friend hurt and she wanted to make it go away. She had talked with Fox earlier, but he had nothing new to offer about John and a possible reason behind his actions. Taylor sat a plate of pancakes and a couple of slices of bacon before Randa.

“Thank you,” Randa said gratefully since her tummy was empty. “I haven’t eaten in almost 24 hours.”

“Do you know what?” Randa asked.

“What?”

“I didn’t even know what pepper bacon was until I met John.”

Taylor looked at her with a puzzled look and then let out a little laugh since she had been expecting a grievous statement from Randa.

A slight smile emerged on Randa’s face. “I really appreciate you being here for me.”

“Of course, you’ve done the same for me. Remember when we were 17 and Mike broke up with me? You listened to me cry and go on and on about him for weeks.”

Randa smiled at the memory and then took a deep breath. “Taylor, I just don’t understand what John meant when he said that he wasn’t meant to be with someone. I’ve never met a man who was
more
capable of loving someone than him. He is one of the most loyal and committed people that I know. I’ve never had to worry for one moment that he would cheat on me or hurt me in any way.”

“He most definitely only had eyes for you. That was apparent to everyone who came in contact with you two,” Taylor told her.

“So, it couldn’t have been that he was interested in seeing someone else.”

“I would think not. It doesn’t make much sense to me either. I thought that you guys would be happily together forever.”

“I did too,” Randa responded. “I have replayed just about every moment that he and I spent together looking for some clue that there was a problem or a disagreement or anything, but I found nothing. The closest thing that I could come up with was our teasing each other when we had a difference of opinion, but it was never unkind. We would just laugh. So, I have to wonder if there was something that I did and maybe John just made up that excuse, so that he wouldn’t hurt my feelings.”

“Oh Randa, I just can’t believe that. He expressed to Fox how much happier he was with you in his life many, many times. He and Fox have been so close John’s entire life, if there was something that he didn’t like, Fox would know and he would have told me. Trust me on that.”

“I am devastated, just devastated Taylor. What do I do now?” Randa asked dejectedly.

“All that you can do is rest your heart and soul for a while giving them time to heal. And then turn the page and start a brand new chapter of your life.”

Randa touched the charm bracelet on her wrist that John had given to her. Fondling the heart charm, she thought to herself, my heart is closed, my spirit has died, and my soul is wilting more and more by the minute, though John’s memory will dwell there forever.

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone

Bill Wither’s soulful words stung John right in the heart. Flashbacks of his and Randa’s special moments together lingered mercilessly in his heart and in his mind.

John had seen what had happened to his father and he swore that no woman would ever yield that amount of power over him, even if it meant growing old alone.
How did I fall so far
and get drawn so deep into love with her,
a
nd how do I get out of it? I thought that by ending our relationship that I would, but I am still here in it, yet I am alone.

Sometimes I wish that I could just forget her and then I find myself worrying that she just might forget me. I destroyed my relationship with the person who meant more to me than anyone. Randa knew me and truly loved me. She was so real and she brought so much light, energy, strength, and love to my life. I miss her tremendously.

John closed his eyes and felt Randa’s warm vibrant spirit and her soft whisper deep inside him
. I can’t believe that I found someone capable of that deep and life-changing love that is so rare and then I just threw our love away. Somehow, I doubt that I will ever find the peace of mind that I need so bad
John thought as he got up and walked into the bathroom. He tried looking into the mirror at his reflection, but he just couldn’t. Finally, he forced himself to look.
It didn’t do one bit of good to run back up to the North Slope, did it? The love is still there, stronger than ever, but now you don’t have her to share it with.

Randa was no longer able to frolic in the security of John’s warm love. A choice was made, that’s all she reminded herself. It was simple and it was immediate, but the repercussions reverberate throughout the heavens, which open up and blanket the lands with my wet cold shivering tears. That sums up my existence she surmised silently.

“The thing about love,” Randa began, “is that there is no feeling in the world like being wrapped up in it and having it mutually returned and there is also no feeling like no longer having it and missing it so much once it is gone.”

Taylor listened. They were having dinner at a Chinese restaurant. “You are one of the most beautiful women I know and I know a lot of people! You are also loving and kind and smart and giving. There are throngs of men who would just love to be in your presence for an evening.”

“Oh Taylor, you are so silly!”

“Yes I am, but I don’t lie,” Taylor giggled.

“The thought of being on a date with any other man than John makes me ill. How could he just walk away? I know that he fell in love with me.”

“I just don’t know Randa. There is no doubt that he was in love with you. I’m so sorry.”

Randa nodded. “You know what Taylor? Our love hangs on by the barest of threads. I choose to keep it alive letting it live right below the surface, never quite reaching out and touching it, but I know that it is always there.”

Taylor could only nod to her friend.

Finally Taylor piped up, “Randa what does your fortune say?”

Randa reached over and picked up the last remaining fortune cookie on the plate. Cracking it open with all of her fingers, she laid it down on her plate and removed the small white paper. After reading it silently, she looked up to see Taylor watching her and waiting. Feeling the lump in her throat and swallowing hard, she read, ‘Don’t give up on me. Ever.’

John flipped through his mail. As soon as he saw the neat fanciful writing, he knew the letter was from
her.

My Dearest John,

Hello! I hope you are doing well! As you know, writing is a catharsis for me. Instead of turning my thoughts of you and me into a song to share with the public, I am choosing to share them with you.

I haven’t given up on the amazing man who loved me deeply and who deserved our incredible love as much as I did. Is our love still inside you? Does it beat in your heart and rest in your soul? You felt how deeply I loved you. I know you did. I have given you nothing less than my purest love. I am hanging on, keeping our love alive for as long as I can. Now is the time before the moment is lost. Once it slips away, it will be gone forever….never to be retrieved or replaced, only to be mourned for all that has been lost. This is our only chance. Do you understand that? Do you feel that? You’ve shown me the way….don’t let me go now. This path is meant for two….me and you. No one else. Sure, I could continue the stroll by myself, but why? Why deny ourselves everything? Strong, passionate love is my destiny. My soul is crying out for your love, the love that it got a taste of, the love that fed my soul and set it on fire. Your love satisfied my soul’s hunger. Do we continue to walk away from each other only to eventually experience our biggest regret ever?

I don’t want to die without you, because without you I do not live. I hope our love is etched into your heart and soul as it is in mine. The truly sad part is that we’ll never know what could have been and yet we do know, don’t we? I love you John ….remember that until the end of days.

I Love You,

Your Baby Doll,

Randa

John looked down at the pink stationary
. I have so much love right here in my hands just by holding her letter.

Randa nervously sat down on the sofa to wait. The cozy room was anything but green with its luxurious loveseats made of rich mahogany leather. She pulled a small compact out of her handbag and looked into its mirror. The bright sparkling light that she usually saw in her sable almond-shaped eyes was dim. There was no longer that glimmer of hope that John would come back to her and they would live that imagined incredible life together. She was happy overall with her world. Being close to her family, having caring friends and a wildly successful songwriting career gave her plenty of reasons to express gratitude, but it was joy that was missing. She could feel the lack of it throughout her heart, spirit, and soul because it created its own unique kind of emptiness that nothing other than John’s love could assuage. Oh well, Randa reminded herself, I’ve already accepted the circumstances. I’m becoming an expert at presenting a cheerful facade when necessary. The upcoming interview will be effortless, she assumed.

Jill, the host of Celebrity Closeup, was already a friend of Randa’s, having been introduced years before. She was quick to discover that even though Randa was very beautiful and genteel, she was also happy, genuine, and fun! And Jill’s unequivocal integrity had proven to Randa and many others that she was a master at knowing what could be used as sustenance for the general public and what needed to be kept private and she worked accordingly.

Randa received her cue silently from the smiling assistant. She rose quickly, moved to the edge of the stage, and paused. Jill was delicately petite, but she had a robust voice and she gaily introduced Randa as one of the hottest songwriters in music. Taylor routinely took her songs to the top of the charts, not only on the top 40 pop chart, but also in the country music genre. Randa glided across the floor and Jill lightly embraced her in a hug trying to put her at a sense of ease. She had been a previous guest on Jill’s show, but as a complement to Taylor, not as the featured guest. The live audience clapped excitedly as Randa sat down opposite Jill. She felt her checks redden and her face grow warm with embarrassment as she nodded to the large studio audience. Jill gave a brief, but detailed synopsis on Randa’s career and then asked her to sing her latest song entitled, ‘If I Don’t Cry, Then It Doesn’t Count,’ which had just been released. Randa picked up the guitar and began:

No tears are filling my eyes

Or rolling down my cheeks