Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child (9 page)

Laissez-Faire parents seem to have little awareness of how to help their children learn from emotional experiences. They don’t teach their children how to solve problems and many have a hard time setting limits on behavior. Some might call these parents overpermissive because, in the name of unconditional acceptance, they let their children get away with inappropriate and/or unfettered expressions of emotion. An angry child turns aggressive, hurting others with her words or actions. A sad child cries inconsolably with no awareness of how to calm and comfort himself. While such negative expression might be acceptable to the parent, for the small child who has far less life experience, it can be frightening, like entering a black hole of painful emotion with no knowledge of how to escape.

Our research revealed that many Laissez-Faire parents seem unsure of what to teach children regarding emotion. Some say they’ve never given it much thought. Others express a vague sense that they’d like to give their children “something more.” But they seem genuinely puzzled about what a parent can offer beyond unconditional love.

Louann, for example, expresses genuine concern for her son, Toby, when another child is mean to him. “He gets upset over it and that hurts me, too,” she says. But when asked how she responds to him, she can only add, “I try to let him know that I love him no matter what; that we think the world of him.” While this is certainly good information for Toby to have, it probably won’t go far in
helping him repair the relationship with his playmate.

Like the Disapproving and Dismissing parents, the Laissez-Faire parents’ style may be a response from their own childhood. Sally, whose father was physically abusive, wasn’t permitted to vent her anger and frustration as a child. “I want my kids to know they can scream and yell all they want,” she explains. “I want them to know it’s all right to say, I’ve been put upon and I don’t like it.’”

Still, Sally admits she’s often frustrated by parenthood and her patience runs thin. “When Rachel does something wrong, I’d like to be able to say, ‘That wasn’t a very good idea; maybe we should try something different.’” Instead, she often finds herself “screaming and yelling” at Rachel—even slapping her at times. “I find I’m at the end of my rope and that’s all that works,” she laments.

Another mom, Amy, remembers feeling a great sense of melancholy as a child—an experience she now suspects was clinical depression. “I think it came from fear,” she recalls, “and maybe it was a fear of just having the emotion.” Whatever its foundation, Amy can’t remember any adult in her life willing to talk to her about her feelings. Instead, she heard only the demand to change her tune. “People were always telling me, ‘Smile!,’ which I just hated.” As a result, she learned to hide her sadness, to withdraw. As she grew older, she also became an avid runner, finding solace from her depression in solitary exercise.

Now that Amy has her own two children, she’s aware that one of her sons experiences this same type of recurrent sadness and she empathizes with him deeply. “Alex describes it as ‘a funny feeling,’ which is exactly how I felt when I was a kid.” Determined that she won’t demand smiles from Alex when he’s feeling down, she tells him, “I know what you’re feeling because I felt that way, too.”

Still, Amy has a hard time staying with Alex when he’s despondent. Asked how she reacts when Alex expresses sadness, she says, “I go for a run.” In effect, then, she withdraws, leaving her son in much the same predicament she was in as a child. Alex drifts alone with his anxiety and fear; his mother is not available to offer him an anchor of emotional support.

What effect do such accepting but noncoaching Laissez-Faire parents have on their children? Unfortunately, not a positive one. With such little guidance from adults, these children don’t learn to
regulate their emotions. They often lack the ability to calm themselves when they are angry, sad, or upset, and that makes it hard for them to concentrate and to learn new skills. Consequently, these children don’t do as well in school. They also have a harder time picking up on social cues, which means they may experience difficulty making and keeping friends.

Again, the irony is clear. With their all-accepting attitude, Laissez-Faire parents intend to give their children every opportunity for happiness. But because they fail to offer their kids guidance on how to handle difficult emotions, their kids end up in much the same position as the children of Disapproving and Dismissing parents—lacking in emotional intelligence, unequipped for the future.

T
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MOTION
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I
N SOME WAYS
, Emotion-Coaching parents aren’t that different from Laissez-Faire parents. Both groups appear to accept their children’s feelings unconditionally. Neither group tries to ignore or deny their kids’ feelings. Nor do they belittle or ridicule their children for emotional expression.

There are significant differences between the two groups, however, in that Emotion-Coaching parents serve as their children’s guides through the world of emotion. They go beyond acceptance to set limits on inappropriate behavior and teach their kids how to regulate their feelings, find appropriate outlets, and solve problems.

Our studies showed that Emotion-Coaching parents have a strong awareness of their own emotions and those of their loved ones. In addition, they recognize that all emotions—even those we generally consider negative, such as sadness, anger, and fear—can serve useful purposes in our lives. One mom, for example, talked about how anger with a bureaucracy motivates her to write letters of protest. Another dad talked about his wife’s anger as a creative force that energizes her to tackle new projects around the house.

Even melancholy feelings are portrayed in a positive light. “Whenever I’m feeling sad I know it means I have to slow down and pay attention to what’s going on in my life, to find out what’s missing,” says Dan. This idea extends to his relationship with his daughter.
Rather than disapproving or trying to smooth over Jennifer’s feelings, he sees her sad moments as opportunities to be close to her. “It’s a time when I can just hold her, and talk to her, and let her say what’s on her mind.” Once dad and daughter are on the same wavelength, it’s also a chance for Jennifer to learn more about her emotional world and how she relates to others. “Nine times out of ten, she doesn’t really know where her feelings are coming from,” says Dan. “So I try to help her identify her feelings. … Then we talk about what to do next time, how to handle this or that.”

Many Emotion-Coaching parents talked about their appreciation for their children’s emotional expression as an indication that parent and child share the same values. One mom described how gratified she felt watching her five-year-old daughter grow teary-eyed over a sad television program. “I liked it because it made me feel like she’s got a heart, that she cares about things other than herself; she cares about other people.”

Another mother told how proud (but also surprised) she was the day her four-year-old snapped at her after a scolding. “I don’t like that tone of voice, Mommy!” the little girl told her. “It hurts my feelings when you talk like that!” Once the mother got over her shock, she marveled at her daughter’s assertiveness and felt pleased that the girl would use her anger to command respect.

Perhaps because these parents can see value in their children’s negative emotions, they have more patience when their children are angry, sad, or fearful. They seem to be willing to spend time with a crying or fretful child, listening to their worries, empathizing with them, letting them vent their anger, or just “cry it out.”

After listening to her son Ben when he’s upset, Margaret says she often tries to show empathy for him by telling “when I was a kid” stories. “He loves those stories because they let him know it’s okay to have his feelings.”

Jack says he makes a concerted effort to tune in to his son, Tyler’s, perspective, especially if the boy is upset over an argument he’s had with his dad. “When I really listen to Tyler’s point of view, it makes him feel a lot better because we can resolve things on terms he can accept. We can settle our differences like two people, rather than a guy and his dog.”

Emotion-Coaching parents encourage emotional honesty in their children. “I want my children to know that just because they’re angry doesn’t mean they are bad or that they necessarily hate the person they’re angry with,” says Sandy, mother of four girls. “And I want them to know that good things can happen from the things that make them angry.”

At the same time, Sandy sets limits on her daughters’ behavior and tries to teach them to express their anger in ways that are not destructive. She’d like to see her girls grow to be lifelong friends, but she knows that in order for this to happen, they must be kind to one another and nurture their relationships. “I tell them it’s okay to be mad at your sister, but it’s not okay to make mean remarks,” she says. “I tell them that your family members are the people you can always turn to no matter what, so you don’t want to alienate them.”

Such limit setting is common among Emotion-Coaching parents, who can accept all feelings but not all behavior. Consequently, if these children act in ways that might be harmful to themselves, to others, or to their relationships with others, Emotion-Coaching parents are likely to put a quick stop to the offensive behavior and redirect their children to an activity or mode of expression that’s less harmful. They don’t go out of their way to shield their kids from emotionally charged situations; they know kids need such experiences in order to learn how to regulate their feelings.

Margaret, for example, has been working on options for her son Ben, a four-year-old whose personality has been volatile since infancy. Left on his own with his anger, “he often grinds his teeth and screams and throws things,” Margaret explains. “He takes it out on his little brother or breaks a toy.” Rather than trying to eradicate Ben’s angry feelings—a fruitless effort, Margaret believes—she is trying to teach him better ways to express his feelings. When she sees his tension starting to build, she steers him toward activities that will allow some physical relief. She sends him outdoors to run hard or down to the basement where he can pound on a drum set she recently bought for just this purpose. Although Margaret worries about Ben’s temperament, she says she recognizes a positive side to his stubborn, hard-driving personality, as well. “He’s not a quitter. If he’s working on a drawing and he doesn’t like the way it’s
turning out, he just keeps working on it, even if that means throwing it out five and six times. But once he gets it right, his frustration is gone.”

Although it can be unsettling for parents to watch from a distance as kids grapple with problems, Emotion-Coaching parents don’t feel compelled to fix everything that goes awry in their kids’ lives. Sandy, for example, says her four girls often complain when she tells them they can’t buy all the new toys and clothes they’d like. Rather than trying to placate them, Sandy simply listens to their frustration and tells them it’s perfectly natural to feel letdown. “I figure if they learn to handle little disappointments now, they will know how to cope with bigger disappointments later on in life, if they need to.”

Maria and Dan also hope their patience will pay off later on. “Ten years down the road, I hope Jennifer will have dealt with these feelings enough times that she’ll know how to react,” says Maria. “I hope she’ll have the self-confidence to know it’s okay to feel this way, and there is something she can do about it.”

Because Emotion-Coaching parents value the power and purpose of emotions in their lives, they are not afraid to show their own emotions around their children. They can cry in front of their kids when they’re sad; they can lose their tempers and tell their children why they’re angry. And most of the time, because these parents understand emotion and trust themselves to express their anger, sadness, and fear constructively, they can serve as models for their children. In fact, parental displays of emotion can speak volumes to a child about ways to handle feelings. For example, a child who sees his parents engage in a heated argument and then resolve their differences amicably, learns valuable lessons about conflict resolution and the staying power of loving relationships. By the same token, a child who sees his parents extremely sad—over a divorce or the death of a grandparent, for example—can learn important lessons about how to deal with grief and despair as well. This is particularly true if there are supportive, loving adults around who offer comfort and assistance to one another in their sadness. The child learns that sharing sadness can lead to a greater level of intimacy and bonding.

When Emotion-Coaching parents say or do hurtful things to
their children—which, of course, happens at times in all families—they are not afraid to apologize. Under stress, parents may react without thinking, calling a child an unkind name or raising their voice in a threatening way. Regretting such actions, the parents then tell their kids they’re sorry and look for ways to learn from the incident. In this way, the incident can become yet another opportunity for intimacy—especially if the parent is willing to tell the child how he was feeling at the moment and talk about how he might handle such situations better in the future. This allows the parent, again, to demonstrate for his child ways to deal with uncomfortable feelings like guilt, regret, and sadness.

Emotion Coaching works well alongside positive forms of discipline that rely on providing children with clearly understood consequences for misbehavior. In fact, parents who practice Emotion Coaching may find that behavior problems decrease as the family becomes more comfortable with the coaching style. This may happen for many reasons.

One, Emotion-Coaching parents consistently respond to their children when feelings are still at a low level of intensity. In other words, emotions don’t have to escalate before the child gets the attention he’s after. Over time, these children get the clear sense that their parents understand them, empathize with them, and care deeply what happens in their lives. They don’t have to act out in order to feel their parents’ concern.