Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child (6 page)

It’s interesting to watch small children who have had emotional guidance gradually begin to incorporate their caretakers’ soothing responses into their own behavior. Perhaps you’ve seen it in your own children’s play. Whether they are pretending with a real live playmate, a doll, or an action figure, kids often fantasize situations where one character is scared and the other takes on the role of soother, comforter, or hero. Such play gives them experience they can call upon when they are alone and upset; it helps them establish and practice patterns for regulating emotion and calming down. It helps them to respond to one another in an emotionally intelligent way.

The first step parents can take toward raising emotionally intelligent children is to understand their own style of dealing with emotion and how that affects their kids. This is the subject of
Chapter 2
.

Chapter 2

A
SSESSING
Y
OUR
P
ARENTING
S
TYLE

T
HE CONCEPT OF EMOTION COACHING IS A SIMPLE ONE THAT’S
based on common sense and rooted in our deepest feelings of love and empathy for our children. Unfortunately, however, Emotion Coaching doesn’t come naturally to all parents simply because they love their children. Nor does it automatically flow out of a parent’s conscious decision to take a warm and positive approach to dealing with a child. Rather, Emotion Coaching is an art that requires emotional awareness and a specific set of listening and problem-solving behaviors—behaviors my colleagues and I identified and analyzed in our observation of healthy, well-functioning families—families that can be described as emotionally intelligent.

I believe that almost any mom or dad can become an Emotion Coach, but I also know that many parents must overcome certain obstacles first. Some of these barriers may be the result of the way emotions were handled in the homes where parents grew up. Or, parents may simply lack the skills they need to be good listeners for their kids. Whatever the source, such obstacles can keep them from being the kind of strong, supportive mothers and fathers they want to be.

The path to becoming a better parent—like most every road to personal growth and mastery—begins with self-examination. That’s where the research we have been conducting in family labs can help. Obviously, we can’t offer every family the kind of in-depth analysis we did with the families in our studies. But we can offer the following self-test to help you evaluate your own style of parenting. At the end of the test, you’ll find descriptions of the four distinct parenting styles our research uncovered. There we will tell you how the different styles of parenting affected the children we studied.

A S
ELF
-T
EST
: W
HAT
S
TYLE OF
P
ARENT
A
RE
Y
OU
?

This self-test asks questions about your feelings regarding sadness, fear, and anger—both in yourself and in your children. For each item, please circle the choice that best fits how you feel. If you’re not sure, go with the answer that seems the closest. While this test requires you to answer lots of questions, try to stick with it. The lengthy design ensures that we cover most aspects of each parenting style.

T = True F = False

1.
Children really have very little to be sad about.
T F

2.
I think that anger is okay as long as it’s under control.
T F

3.
Children acting sad are usually just trying to get adults to feel sorry for them.
T F

4.
A child’s anger deserves a time-out.
T F

5.
When my child is acting sad, he turns into a real brat.
T F

6.
When my child is sad, I am expected to fix the world and make it perfect.
T F

7.
I really have no time for sadness in my own life.
T F

8.
Anger is a dangerous state.
T F

9.
If you ignore a child’s sadness it tends to go away and take care of itself.
T F

10.
Anger usually means aggression.
T F

11.
Children often act sad to get their way.
T F

12.
I think sadness is okay as long as it’s under control.
T F

13.
Sadness is something one has to get over, to ride out, not to dwell on.
T F

14
. I don’t mind dealing with a child’s sadness, so long as it doesn’t last too long.
T F

15
. I prefer a happy child to a child who is overly emotional.
T F

16
. When my child is sad, it’s a time to problem-solve.
T F

17
. I help my children get over sadness quickly so they can move on to better things.
T F

18
. I don’t see a child’s being sad as any kind of opportunity to teach the child much.
T F

19
. I think when kids are sad they have overemphasized the negative in life.
T F

20
. When my child is acting angry, she turns into a real brat.
T F

21
. I set limits on my child’s anger.
T F

22
. When my child acts sad, it’s to get attention.
T F

23
. Anger is an emotion worth exploring.
T F

24
. A lot of a child’s anger comes from the child’s lack of understanding and immaturity.
T F

25
. I try to change my child’s angry moods into cheerful ones.
T F

26
. You should express the anger you feel.
T F

27
. When my child is sad, it’s a chance to get close.
T F

28
. Children really have very little to be angry about.
T F

29
. When my child is sad, I try to help the child explore what is making him sad.
T F

30
. When my child is sad, I show my child that I understand.
T F

31
. I want my child to experience sadness.
T F

32
. The important thing is to find out why a child is feeling sad.
T F

33
. Childhood is a happy-go-lucky time, not a time for feeling sad or angry.
T F

34
. When my child is sad, we sit down to talk over the sadness.
T F

35
. When my child is sad, I try to help him figure out why the feeling is there.
T F

36
. When my child is angry, it’s an opportunity for getting close.
T F

37
. When my child is angry, I take some time to try to experience this feeling with my child.
T F

38
. I want my child to experience anger.
T F

39
. I think it’s good for kids to feel angry sometimes.
T F

40
. The important thing is to find out why the child is feeling angry.
T F

41
. When she gets sad, I warn her about not developing a bad character.
T F

42
. When my child is sad I’m worried he will develop a negative personality.
T F

43
. I’m not really trying to teach my child anything in particular about sadness.
T F

44
. If there’s a lesson I have about sadness it’s that it’s okay to express it.
T F

45
. I’m not sure there’s anything that can be done to change sadness.
T F

46
. There’s not much you can do for a sad child beyond offering her comfort.
T F

47
. When my child is sad, I try to let him know that I love him no matter what.
T F

48
. When my child is sad, I’m not quite sure what she wants me to do.
T F

49
. I’m not really trying to teach my child anything in particular about anger.
T F

50
. If there’s a lesson I have about anger it’s that it’s okay to express it.
T F

51
. When my child is angry, I try to be understanding of his mood.
T F

52
. When my child is angry, I try to let her know that I love her no matter what.
T F

53
. When my child is angry, I’m not quite sure what he wants me to do.
T F

54
. My child has a bad temper and I worry about it.
T F

55
. I don’t think it is right for a child to show anger.
T F

56
. Angry people are out of control.
T F

57
. A child’s expressing anger amounts to a temper tantrum.
T F

58
. Kids get angry to get their own way.
T F

59
. When my child gets angry, I worry about his destructive tendencies.
T F

60
. If you let kids get angry, they will think they can get their way all the time.
T F

61
. Angry children are being disrespectful.
T F

62
. Kids are pretty funny when they’re angry.
T F

63
. Anger tends to cloud my judgment and I do things I regret.
T F

64
. When my child is angry, it’s time to solve a problem.
T F

65
. When my child gets angry, I think it’s time for a spanking.
T F

66
. When my child gets angry, my goal is to get him to stop.
T F

67
. I don’t make a big deal of a child’s anger.
T F

68
. When my child is angry, I usually don’t take it all that seriously.
T F

69
. When I’m angry, I feel like I’m going to explode.
T F

70
. Anger accomplishes nothing.
T F

71
. Anger is exciting for a child to express.
T F

72
. A child’s anger is important.
T F

73
. Children have a right to feel angry.
T F

74
. When my child is mad, I just find out what is making her mad.
T F

75
. It’s important to help the child find out what caused the child’s anger.
T F

76
. When my child gets angry with me, I think, “I don’t want to hear this.”
T F

77
. When my child is angry I think, “If only he could just learn to roll with the punches.”
T F

78
. When my child is angry I think, “Why can’t she accept things as they are?”
T F

79
. I want my child to get angry, to stand up for himself.
T F

80
. I don’t make a big deal out of my child’s sadness.
T F

81
. When my child is angry I want to know what she is thinking.
T F

H
OW TO
I
NTERPRET
Y
OUR
S
CORES

Dismissing
:

Add up the number of times you said “true” for the following items:

1, 2, 6, 7, 9, 12, 13, 14, 15, 17, 18, 19, 24, 25, 28, 33, 43, 62, 66, 67, 68, 76, 77, 78, 80.

Divide the total by 25. This is your
Dismissing
score.

Disapproving
:

Add up the number of times you said “true” for the following items: