Rafe (19 page)

“Ok, so she was pretty much smack on with that but Dad, he should have known it was me. He should have sensed it wasn’t me or something, right? I mean, he tells me he loves me then can easily make out with another girl. Fuck, Dad, he called her ‘Snowflake.’ That right there ripped me in half, that’s my name…MINE!” I am yelling now. My mom is crying and my dad wraps me up in his big strong arms and holds me tight while I sob my heart out. My phone rings again and I sigh against my dad.

“Do you want me to answer it for you, baby girl?” I sigh and think that might not be the best idea right now. I shake my head and reach for my phone, it just rings and rings. I walk out onto the patio and slide my finger across the screen to answer him.

“What?” I snap.

“Baby, please can I see you? We need to talk, I need to explain what happened last night. It’s not what you think. Fuck, Snowflake. I was wasted, you know this. I would never hurt you… well not on purpose. Baby, I need you
to breathe. You are my inside noise, Snowflake please.” I start pacing the garden and listen to him begging on the phone. My heart sinks but I need to stay strong.

“I can’t, Rafe. Please just leave me alone, I’m hurting here and all you can think about is you. Don’t phone me or come to the apartment. Just stay away. Maybe in the future we can be friends again but I need time to even get to that stage with you. Good-bye, Rafe.” I hang up the phone and open my eyes. I notice that I’m standing by Shane’s memorial tree and stone. I sit on my knees and take a deep breath.

“Hey, baby boy. I know I haven’t been here much lately and I’m sorry. I still find it weird sometimes to think that I miss you. Even though you weren’t born you were still a part of me. When I lost you, I lost a part of myself. Only up until Rafe came back into my life did I start to feel whole again, but now that gaping hole is breaking wide open again. See, Shane. Rafe hurt me just like your dad did, but Rafe hurt me ten times more because I loved him… well still love him, Shane. I know that Uncle Shane is looking after you up there and I know that he is freaking out over what Rafe has done. I will heal, baby boy, I will. I just have to put the broken pieces back together and push forward. I need to mend my broken heart and only time will do that.” I kiss my two fingers and place them on Shane’s baby plaque and stand to leave. “See you soon, baby boy.”

Onwards and upwards from here on out.

Chapter 19

Rafe

Just shoo
t me and put me out of my fucking misery. It’s been three weeks since I have seen or heard from Lucy and by fuck it’s killing me slowly. I can feel my heart dying with each passing day. I need her back next to me but she refuses to see me. I haven’t even gotten to explain my side of what happened that night. That fucking prick Dallas has ruined her for me and I fear I will never get her back. My life is worthless without her.

I have been snapping at everyone who tries to talk to me, I have missed classes and practice with the boys. I know they are both worried and pissed at me but truthfully I just don’t give a fucking shit right now. I’m sitting in my apartment that I
share with the boys, stroking Kane on my lap. He has been a god send to me these last three weeks, he hasn’t yelled at me (Maisey) or tried to punch me out (Gunner). If Ryder and Beck weren’t there I really think Gunner would have beat the shit out of me. I even had a run in with Jackson, saying that Tru was upset because Lucy was hurting and he hated seeing his Sunshine hurting.

Well hello fuckers, I’m hurting too.

I hear keys in the door and hold my breath. I really can’t deal with Gunner today.

Oh fuck my life, Gunner, Maisey and Ryder come into the living room and take seats around me. No one speaks, they all just look at me.

“Wow, awkward. So no one is going to speak? Nope, no one? Well ok then I’m out, catch you later, Ry.” I stand and head towards my room to get into clothes that will actually pass out in public. I don’t think some people will appreciate me walking around in my grey Levi boxer briefs. I change into a pair of faded blue jeans and my black Converse. I add my leather Phoenix wrist cuff to my right wrist. On my left wrist is the band that Lucy bought me down in Vista, I haven’t taken it off and I don’t think I ever will. I grab a grey Henley shirt from my top drawer and spot Lucy’s diamond snowflake necklace hanging by a picture of us that was taken on the beach at Vista. My chest aches for her still.

Will it ever stop?

I head back out to the living room where everyone is still seated. A hush falls over them when I enter the room. Great, so they are talking behind my back in my own home. I ignore them and snatch my phone up off the table, along with my wallet.

“Rafe, we need to talk dude.” Not fucking happening.

“Nope, I’m going to see Mom. I will catch you later.” I head for the door when I feel a small hand on my arm. I turn to see Maisey standing there with tears in her eyes, hurt and concern crosses her face.

“Maise?” I look at her.

“She is hurting, Rafe. Trinity and Kenzie told me this is far worse than what Dallas did to her…”

I cut her off, “Is she running?” My heart starts beating a mile a minute, I feel as if it’s going to come through my chest. Fuck, this hurts. She can’t run. Maisey sees my panic and cups my face.

“Rafe, honey, look at me.” I open my eyes and focus on her, trying to slow my breathing down. I see Ryder and Gunner standing on each side of her. “She hasn’t run, Rafe. She is just going through the motions. She isn’t eating or sleeping right, I have heard her cry at night. Also, her nightmares are back.” Nightmares, what fucking nightmares?

“What nightmares has she been having, Maise?” My guilt triples, my stomach knots up.

“She has been having nightmares since she lost the baby. She dreams of a little boy running towards her on the beach laughing, but he stops and asks why she lost him. That’s when Dallas appears and takes the boy telling Lucy, ‘She will always remember what he took from her,’ he laughs and takes the boy away. They stopped when you two got together. She has thrown herself into work. Milly and Mia are worried about her. Fuck, we all are, Rafe.”

My heart sinks and I drag myself over to the couch and sit on the edge. I rest my head in my hands. I hate that it’s because of me that she is hurting this bad. Well that and that fucking whore Nikki. She came to see me a few days after the Halloween party and wanted to know if I wanted to go out on a date with her, talk about big balls. I shot her down as fast as I could, then she told me Dani helped set me up that night. Apparently something went down at the mall and Dani was pissed and hating on Lucy big time. I tried telling Lucy but she refused to see me.

“I need her, Maise. I’m dying without her and by the sounds of it, so is she. We need to do something.” Yep, I need to do something right now. She can’t keep going on like this. I stand and head for the door again, adrenalin pumping through my body. I need to see Lucy and tell her everything, whether she wants to listen or not. “I will text you later.” I run to my car and head for her workplace.

I climb into my car and the music blares through the speakers as the car starts. Linkin Park’s ‘From the Inside’ hits me. I drive to Lucy’s store while listen to the lyrics of the song and I can’t believe how much it suits Lucy and the situation that we are in right now. She won’t put her trust in me again; I have broken that trust. I have ripped her apart from the inside. The song makes things a lot clearer to me as I drive. I know that I have to give her more space, even let her come to me when she is ready. I will go and explain to her what happened that night then I will back off and let her come to me when she is ready, if she will ever be ready.

I park two blocks away from the store, ‘Imagine.’ The walk will help slow my rapidly beating heart down. I rub my sternum to try and help the pain eating a hole in my chest. I stop at the window and see Lucy standing there talking to a customer; she looks beautiful in her pretty navy dress with bird patterns on it and her white Chucks. She has pulled her hair up into a messy ponytail, which makes her look younger.  Mia spots me and heads in Lucy’s direction, so I have no choice but to walk into the store. Lucy looks up as the bell above the door rings, and when she sees me she freezes. I offer her a small smile but she doesn’t return it. She looks at Mia and Milly and they nod towards the back room. Lucy walks off so I follow and I can feel two pairs of eyes burning into the back of my head, the whole way. So much for loyal fans, but they are loyal to Lucy and that’s all that counts.

“What are you doing here, Rafe?” Lucy asks, while sitting on a red chair in the corner of the staff lounge. She plays with a peace sign ring she is wearing, as she won’t meet my eyes.

“I need to explain what happened that night. I few things have come to light and it may not help, but at least I know that I have told you everything. Maisey told me that you are not eating and sleeping well, that the nightmares are back. Why didn’t I know about them, Snowflake?”

She stiffens when I say her nickname. “The nightmares were not your concern, Rafe, they were mine. I am eating and sleeping enough. On the nights that I can’t sleep I am reading, not because you are the cause of my sleepless night. Blame the Facebook page Eye Candy Bookstore, they recommend so many damn good books that I can’t keep up.” She looks triumphant from telling me that I am not the cause for her sleepless nights; I call bullshit on that.

“Ok, so now that I know I am not to blame, are you going to let me explain about that night?” She looks down but nods her head. I take a deep breath and start to tell her. “We both know that I was pretty wasted that night. I know that it is no excuse, believe me I have been told time and time again, but the fact of the matter is, I was. We were dancing and getting all hot and bothered, fuck, Snowflake I remember how turned on we both were. I was hard as fuck, you grinding your perfect little ass all over my dick.” I close my eyes and breathe deep. Thinking about that night is making me hard so I adjust myself in my jeans and continue, “You went to the toilet and I went looking for you. Beck said he had seen you go upstairs, so I went looking for you. I stumbled into a room but couldn’t find the light switch so I left it off. I remember falling onto the bed and closing my eyes, the room was spinning and I thought I was going to puke.”

I look up at Lucy, who is seating as still as a statue, tears in her eyes because she knows what’s coming. “I woke to hands running up my thigh, so I lifted my head and saw white angel wings and blond hair opening my jeans. I swear to God, baby, I thought it was you. Anyway, I got to my feet and started kissing your neck. The next thing I know you and Ryder are standing in the doorway and it fucked me up when I saw that it wasn’t you I was kissing. I hate myself for calling her your name, only you should have that name. Ryder stopped me chasing after you because I was in no state to do anything. I screamed after you but you were already gone.” God, I remember Reeve punching me for what happened. “I had to see you that night but we both know how that ended. All I can say is that I am truly sorry for hurting you. I am nothing like Dallas and I hope that deep down you know that too.” I get to my feet and walk over to her, kiss the top of her head and take in her amazing scent. She sags under my kiss.

“I will give you time, Snowflake. I won’t contact you again until you ask me to. I will wait for you to come to me, baby. Just remember, you are my Inside Noise.” I leave my heart with her; it’s up to Lucy to give it back to me. This is the hardest fucking thing I have ever had to do, but I walk out the door and don’t look back. If I do I just might crumble at her feet and beg for forgiveness, which by the way, I am doing if she asks. Yes I am pussy whipped, deal with it.

I decide it’s time to go and see Mama Phoenix; I need some motherly advice. I meant what I said to Lucy, I’m just hoping I can stick to it. I have never been known for doing what I say. I pull up outside Phoenix Records and head into my mom’s office. I say ‘hey’ to a few people in passing and see Sarah the barmaid from Max Point.

“Hey, Sarah. How you doing, not seen you in a while?” In fact, I don’t think I have seen her since the Halloween party and by the look on her face she is siding with Lucy. Oh shit. She stops within an inch of me. I know it’s coming but I can’t seem to stop it, it’s like in the movies when everything goes in slow motion.

Slap!

As Sarah’s hand connects with my face, I see she looks both angry and sad but I can feel her pain. Literally.

“You are a bastard, Rafe Phoenix. I can’t believe you would do that to Lucy. I hope for your sake that she forgives you because you look like shit but I still think you are a rat bastard, just so you know. That slap was from Izzy and me.” She walks past me and out the side door. Wow, talk about girl power.

I shake my head and walk to Mom’s office. She is on the phone when I get in there so I sit quietly and wait for her to finish.

“Ok, that’s brilliant, I will let the boys know. Great, bye.” My mom hangs up the phone and I sit forward, intrigued by who she was talking to.

“Mom, who was that? Sounds like good news.” She smiles at me.

“It was, baby. That was Mr. Franks; he is the manager of the ‘Blazing Summer Festival.’ He wants to book Inside Noise for next summer. He said that they book months in advance just to make sure that the bands commit to the event. I told him I would talk to you boys first and then we can make a decision together, sound good?” I nod like a freaking nodding dog toy in a car window. I jump up and pull Mom up off the couch, swinging her around.

“God, Mom, this couldn’t have come at a better time. I need a pick me up; this thing with Lucy is killing me. I talked to her today,” I say looking down at my shoes. She pats my arm.

“Come and sit with me, baby boy. Now, tell me everything that happened because your brothers and Uncles are loyal to a fault and wouldn’t tell me a thing.” I sigh and tell her everything that happened. I feel like shit now but I am happy that she knows, perhaps she can give me some sound advice.

“Listen, Rafe. She has every right to be angry and upset with you. Hell, I would have busted your dad’s balls far worse than just breaking up with him, but I also understand that you are hurting as well. It’s good that she listened to you and allowed you to explain everything, and like you said, she has to come to you now.  Rafe I really don’t think she will though, son. She is frightened that you will hurt her again; baby, you need to show her that she can trust you again and that you love her. Girls like to be shown how men feel, because words are just that Rafe, words.” I smile and nod at her, understanding what I need to do.

“Rafe, showing her that you love her is your only hope, baby.” My heart skips a beat.

“Fuck, what did you just say?” I look my mother in the eyes and she smiles at me.

“First off, don’t swear at me. And second, I said that showing her that you love her is your only hope.” She smiles again. Fuck, does she know that ‘A Walk to Remember’ is one of Lucy’s all-time favorite movies and the song ‘Only Hope’ makes her cry every time?

I jump to my feet and pull my mom in for another hug.

“I love you, Mama. I know I don’t say it often enough but Dad would have been proud of the way you are running Phoenix Records and the way you are handling us boys. We all love you, Mama.” I kiss her cheek and she sniffs.

“Oh, baby boy, your dad taught you well. He would be so damn proud of the men you three have grown up to be. Even though it’s only been a short time since he left us, you three have kept m
e going. I love my Phoenix boys and Ren. Now go and get your girl back. I love you, Rafe.”

“Love you too, Mom,” I say, running out of her office and heading straight for my car. I sit in the driver’s seat and take a breath. Fuck, will this work? Shit, I hope it does. I hit play on my iPod that’s connected to my car and click on ‘Happy’ by Pharrell Williams. That song alone lifts my spirits.