Radiance (40 page)

“Did she…have one?” 

Part of him was afraid to know.  With the sort of women Harper was accustomed to before her, he couldn’t imagine her having anything positive to say.

“Yes.”  Natalia tightened her hand on Hudson’s arm and told them, “She said to tell you she gave freely, without condition, and that she would never use it against you.  She also said she regrets nothing.” 

Behind him, he heard Elijah’s small grunt of pain and inhaled carefully to calm his own reaction. 

Winters held his gaze.  “She said we aren’t to hold you accountable.  That condemning
you
would be similar to condemning
Natalia
for her ability to love only me.”

“That’s a correct statement, is it not, Harper?”  Electric blue eyes met his.  “Are we alike in our ability to love only one?” 

He blinked.  “I haven’t examined our similarities too closely, Natalia.”  He smiled.  “I’m
glad
to say I never had that chance because you are
exactly
where you belong.” 

“Thank you.  I agree.” 

Smoothly changing the topic to the small Utah town they’d purchased together, Harper engaged Winters in their first civil conversation since he’d set a chain of events in motion that he couldn’t take back, didn’t know how to fix. 

His choices haunted him.

Elijah’s continued silence was devastating.

Beginning December 2015

When Brie was twenty-one weeks pregnant, she started to slip getting out of the shower in her apartment, grabbed for the frame, and felt everything give way inside her. 

She hit the panic button in her bathroom and struggled to calm her body, to mentally save her child. 

Two minutes later, Natalia entered her bathroom with paramedics.  Brie was sobbing, lying in a pool of her own blood, and she
knew
.  Her friend knelt at her side, held her hand tightly, and murmured soothingly as she cried with her. 

Listening numbly as the paramedics confirmed she’d lost her baby, Brie wasn’t able to verbally respond.  Natalia spoke for her and rode in the ambulance that waited in the loading bay. 

She wouldn’t remember the trip to the hospital or what the paramedics looked like who worked over her.  She wouldn’t remember saying several times, “I give up.  I fucking give up.” 

All she could do was shed tears that seemed
endless
. 

* * *

“Eklund.” 

“You get that selfish piece of shit to her side
right fucking now
or I’ll do it myself!” 

Immediately on alert, Elijah stilled.  “What happened?” 

“Lenox Hill.  Get him there and if he doesn’t show some goddamn
compassion
, you tell him to expect a visit from me!” 

Hollow disconnected and Elijah busted into Harper’s room. 

He was climbing naked from his bed.  On the other side was a doe-eyed nameless woman who fit every stereotype. 

“Shower the whore off your body and dress.  You have three minutes, Harper.” 

“What the fuck happened now?” 

Elijah grabbed him by the throat.  “Two minutes and fifty seconds.” 

He shoved him in the direction of the bathroom and kicked the frame of Harper’s bed.  The woman screamed. 

“Get the fuck out if you don’t want to be riddled with bullet holes.  Move your ass.” 

He texted Winters.

Four minutes after Hollow’s call, they were descending in the elevator.  “Elijah, what the
hell
is going on?” 

“I’ve been told to get you to Lenox Hill and that if you don’t show compassion, Hollow will be paying a visit.”

“Oh for god’s sake.  We’re racing around on
his
orders?  Fuck that shit.  He lives to be obnoxious.” 

In the car, his phone vibrated and he read a short reply from Winters.  Closing his eyes, Elijah searched for strength, for patience, for a clear head. 

“Before we make some
charity
visit, let’s have breakfast.” 

Elijah stared into silver eyes that had grown colder, crueler than he remembered.  Quietly, he asked, “How was your date, Harper?”  His expression shuttered.  “Was it fulfilling?  All things beautiful?  Everything you needed?” 

“Why?  Jealous?” 

“If that’s your intention, I have no choice but to disappoint you, Harper.  I’ve spent twenty
years
watching you fuck hundreds of women.  I’m immune to it now.” 

“I’m sorry, I…”

“I was curious.  Does every pussy feel the
same
to you?  After so many, do they all blend together?  Just another hole?  Your type all make the same sounds, the same motions, and supply appropriately appreciative gestures when given gifts.” 

Harper rubbed the back of his neck hard.  “I don’t know what you’re asking me, Elijah.” 

He was unable to keep from screaming.  “In all your goddamn
life
, of all the women you’ve
fucked
, are they all the fucking
same
?” 

“No.” 

“Explain!” 

“She was different.  You know she was different.” 

“Do you mean Brie?”  Harper nodded.  “Hmm.  That’s good to know.  In a few minutes, I want you to hold onto that understanding, Harper.  I want you to keep it close to yourself.”  Elijah watched as realization dawned. 

“
Gabriella
is in the hospital?”  He said nothing, he didn’t blink.  Harper whispered, “What happened?” 

The driver opened the door and Elijah moved to get out.  Pausing at the last minute, he said over his shoulder, “She just miscarried your
child
, Harper.” 

Guiding him through the hospital, Elijah noted that all color had drained from his face. 

Winters stood as they entered the waiting room, feet planted and fists clenched.  Natalia sat behind him, her face in her hands, her shoulders shaking with her sobs.  She wore pajamas, a robe, and running shoes. 

The fabric from her knees down was covered in blood. 

Harper walked to the nearest trashcan and vomited. 

For two hours, Elijah stood beside the chair Harper sat in with his head in his hands and waited. 

When a doctor entered, he went to the other side of the room.  “Mr. and Mrs. Winters?”  Hudson nodded and helped Natalia to her feet.  “You’re the contacts in her paperwork.”  The words filled Elijah with shame. “I’m cleared to update you.” 

“Do it faster.” 

“Of course, I’m sorry.  Miss Hernandez is stable.  We were able to stop the hemorrhaging.  We weren’t able to save her baby.  The good news is that she should be able to conceive again at some point in the future.  It was touch and go.  With the various medications listed in her records…her pregnancy was
extremely
high risk from the beginning.” 

“She didn’t
intend
to get pregnant.  In fact,” Hudson glared at Harper, “
every
measure was taken to prevent it.” 

“Certainly.  Without her body’s ability to clot properly, it could have been much worse.  As it was, she required several units of blood.”  The doctor crossed his hands in front of him.  “Our main concern at this point is her full recovery.” 

Elijah saw there was more. 

Hudson did as well.  “Tell me.” 

“Mr. Winters, we had to sedate her.  We…have her upstairs.”  Hudson frowned.  “She’s extremely distraught.  It’s important not to upset her.” 

Natalia whispered, “Did she try to
hurt
herself?”

“She…fought receiving medical attention.  Rather violently.  I don’t think she was fully coherent.”  He took a deep breath.  “I’m sorry for your loss but she’s young and strong.  She should make a complete recovery.” 

Hudson held Natalia.  “The child.” 

Brie’s baby…

“Arrangements can be made.  I’ll send in a counselor to handle that for you.  Again, I’m sorry.  We’ll get her back on her feet.” 

The man left and Natalia pressed her face against Hudson.  Elijah looked down at Harper.  He gripped his hair with both fists and tears dripped between his feet on the floor. 

Crouching, Elijah held him while he sobbed.  “I wouldn’t have let her go through it alone.  I’d have helped.  I’m a horrible person but…not in
that
, not in that, Elijah.  I’d have helped.” 

Hudson’s voice was calm.  “She wanted to wait until the end of the second trimester before she told you.  She found out a few weeks ago but…she said she didn’t want to bother you if she couldn’t carry the baby to term.”

Didn’t want to
bother
them.  Elijah’s regrets compounded.

“She took
every
precaution,” Natalia whispered.  “She was terrified when she found out but she
wanted
her baby.  L-last week, she felt him move and…”  Unable to continue, she gripped Hudson and cried as he held her.

Elijah screamed in his mind, his heart in tatters, as he maintained the appearance of detachment to the outside world. 

Hudson picked Natalia up and sat on the sofa with her in his lap, holding her close to his body and murmuring softly to her.  She hugged him hard and nodded. 

Sitting beside Harper, he wrapped his arm around his shoulder and kissed the top of his head.  He responded by putting both arms around him and crying bitterly.  Barely controlling his own shakes, Elijah held him hard. 

Over and over, Harper murmured, “I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.” 

“Ssh, Harper.  It will be alright.”  He shook his head.  “Yes.  We’ll help her in any way we can.” 

“You’ll hate me, she’ll hate me.  I’ve lost
everything
.”  He gasped for air.  “I didn’t
mean
it.  I was afraid.  I didn’t
mean
it.” 

Stroking his hand over his head, Elijah asked with a frown, “What didn’t you mean?” 

“That I couldn’t love her.  Gabriella scared me, I felt pushed by both of you, I wanted you back, and it was too much.  All of it was too much.”  Elijah stilled.  “I didn’t
want
to love her.  I thought it would go away if I got away from her.” 

No.  No.  No.

Holding the side of his face roughly, Elijah lifted it to look into his eyes.  “
Harper.
” 

“I know.  I know.  I’m so fucking sorry.” 

There was a part of him that wanted to snap the other man’s neck.  “I
left
her, Harper.  I
hurt
her and left her alone.” 

“I’ll do anything to make it right.  Tell me what to do.  I’ll do anything.  Forgive me, forgive me, forgive me.” 

Throwing himself against Elijah’s chest, his body shook as he cried raggedly.  Staring at the ceiling, Elijah struggled,
fought
to understand what to do. 

Then he lowered his head and met the eyes of Hudson Winters.  Pools of black stared at him and Elijah’s mind cleared with a snap.  He lowered his hand to the back of Harper’s head and the sound of his sobs increased. 

“Harper.”  The other man moved back to look at him.  Elijah removed a handkerchief from his suit and wiped his face gently.  “You and I are going to come to an understanding.  As of today,
this moment
, your days of unchecked
fear
are finished.” 

Nodding, Harper took several deep breaths. 

“For more than half your life, you’ve given me your submission in some ways while doing whatever the fuck you damn well pleased in others.  Your actions have hurt people, including
yourself
, and it can’t continue.” 

“I’m sorry, Elijah.” 

“Your remorse is admirable but it isn’t enough.  You see that, don’t you?”  He nodded.  “Words are no longer enough.  It is
actions
, Harper.  Actions are what
define
you.” 

Holding him by the back of his neck, he stared into his eyes.  “If you
lie
to me, if you act as if nothing fucking matters, I will rescind my vow and walk away.  Do you
understand
me?” 

“I understand.” 

In the waiting room of the hospital where his beautiful Brie coped with the loss of her baby, Elijah issued a command.

“
Tell me how you feel about Brie.
” 

Inhaling carefully, he said shakily, “I love her.  I’ve loved her since the day she understood what I needed and put her own body on the line to see that I received it.” 

The pain that arced through Elijah was intense.  Gripping Harper tighter, he growled, “You fucking
hurt
her.  You let
me
hurt her.” 

He whispered, “Penance.  I’ll do penance.” 

“Yes, you fucking will.  If we’ve lost her due to your selfishness and cruelty, I will lock you the fuck down.  You will
withhold
for a year and not be able to sleep on your back for a month.  At the end of that year, you will
never
see me again.” 

“I-I understand.” 

Releasing him, Elijah stood and paced.  The synapses in his brain were brilliantly lit as he put together a plan. 

He was going to need Winters’ help.

* * *

“Hudson.”  It was the first word Brie uttered in two days.  Her best friend sat beside her bed in a suit.  He looked beautiful, capable as he always did.

“Yes, Gabriella?” 

“I need to bury my little b-baby.”

“It’s already done.  Rest.” 

“You’re the kindest man I know.  I need somewhere to go.  Far away, off the grid.  I don’t care what it costs.  Will you arrange it for me?” 

“Stay here.  Let us help you.” 

“I can’t.  As much as I love the two of you, this
should not
and
cannot
be on your shoulders.”  She swallowed and her throat hurt.  “I’ll be okay.  I’ll stay in touch so you don’t worry.”