Rachel Golden and the Retriever of Sin (7 page)

The bushes to their right rustled, causing them both to jump up from the log they were sitting on. They relaxed. It was just Ratboy. He was out of breath. ‘Good news, boss,’ he panted. ‘They’re back there.’ He thumbed a yellow claw back over his shoulder. ‘They must have picked up their pace because they’re only about two hours back. Possibly an hour and a half now.’

‘Excellent work Ratboy,’ Toby said. ‘You get the cheese.’ Ratboy squeaked excitedly. ‘Sorry,
metaphorical
cheese. Figure of speech.’ Ratboy looked crestfallen, not to mention exhausted. He must have run miles. ‘Wait,’ Toby asked, suddenly alarmed, ‘they didn’t see you, did they?’

‘No no, boss. I was extra careful of that. I came up behind them, downwind, and got close enough to hear them talking. I caught a glimpse of the Safeguarder too—big guy, he is. Then came straight back to you in another wide circle. No way they saw me.’

‘Excellent,’ Toby said, rubbing his hands together.

‘So now we can just summon the closest unicorns for them to find?’ Ratboy asked.

Toby was pulling at his lip thoughtfully. ‘Now hold on, Rats,’ he said, and Ratboy rolled his eyes. As if Ratboy wasn’t bad enough, it had now been shortened to just ‘Rats’. Great. ‘See, we’re already in trouble with El, right?’ Rats nodded slowly, wondering where this was going. Pig-face just stared into the distance, breathing through his mouth. ‘We should have intercepted them yesterday, and summoned the unicorns then. They would have been on their way to El and the Overlords by now. But because of your plan,’ Ratboy rolled his eyes again, ‘we’re now a day late.’

Ratboy twitched his whiskers nervously. He didn’t like how this was all of a sudden ‘his plan’. Toby continued. ‘So what could get us out of trouble? What if we summon a pair of unicorns, and just wait? When the
Hero
,’ he said this with a sneer, ‘and her Safeguarder arrive, we ambush them. Bam! Captured and bound and hand delivered to the boss. There’s no way he could possibly punish us then. Right?’

Ratboy wasn’t so sure about that, but he also knew better than to argue with his own boss, Toby. ‘Excellent plan,’ he simpered. He pulled a small, brightly-polished silver whistle from one of his many pockets. ‘Shall I summon them now?’

***

Assorted Colors was rolling around on the floor again. In between fits of laughter he was saying things like: ‘Guide dog! I get it now!’ Though a little irritated, Rachel was also happy to see him laughing. She was still feeling guilty about the condom remark.

They had stopped for lunch in the shade of a gnarled old tree; something similar to a real world oak, but instead of acorns it bore small brightly colored shells. Rachel had picked one when they first got there, and a small hermit crab had emerged from the shell and nipped her finger. Which had also amused Assorted Colors.

They had eaten and were now resting. Something about the whole Hero business was still bothering Rachel. ‘So, let me get this straight…’ Kel and Ros exchanged weary looks. ‘I get that I’m a Hero. Well, a trainee, anyway.’ The nametag was still firmly stuck there, despite Rachel’s efforts to pry it off. If she changed her shirt a new one would automatically appear. ‘But how did it happen? Do random people just get born like that? Seems like that would make your job pretty hard.’ The last comment was to Kel.

He took a deep breath. He’d been waiting for this. ‘No,’ he said slowly, carefully, ‘the Hero gene is inherited. Like… from a parent.’

Rachel scowled. ‘But my mom isn’t a—’ She gasped and sat up straight. Kel winced. ‘You mean… my
dad
?’ Her eyes were wide with wonder and possibility now. She went right over to Kel on all fours and then sat cross-legged in front of him. Kel leaned away a little. ‘So you mean my dad was a Hero too?’ she asked excitedly.

Ros spoke up. ‘Well if your mom isn’t one, then I’d say there aren’t many other options, hmm Einstein?’ AC snickered quietly. Rachel’s mind was racing now.

‘But, my mom said he died when I was a baby. How could a Hero just die? Oh my god! Was it on a mission? Like this one?’ She was now just inches from Kel’s face and he leaned back even further, in danger of toppling over.

‘Look, Rach, I really don’t know. I’m the same age as you, remember?’ He had been dreading her putting this together, because he knew she’d be full of questions he’d be unable to answer. ‘I was just a baby too when… whatever it was happened to your dad.’

Rachel wasn’t giving up that easily. ‘But they must have told you
something
. I mean, like, some kind of background on me?’ Her eyes were pleading and Kel’s heart felt like it was being squeezed.

He shook his head sadly. ‘I’m sorry. The only ones that know what happened to your dad are the Council and his Guide and…’ Kel looked away. ‘His Safeguarder.’

Rachel’s head was spinning. She sat back heavily. Of course he would have had a Safeguarder. Just like she had Kel. Well that settled it. As soon as they were done with this unicorn business, she was going straight to the Council, and she would DEMAND that they—

Just then two things happened at the same time. Her pocket watch ding-ed, and Ros barked. The dog sprang to his feet, the hairs on his back standing up. His teeth were bared, and Rachel was actually a little bit frightened. ‘Sorry,’ he hissed in a low whisper. ‘That happens sometimes when I’m sc… startled.’

They were all on their feet now, and crouched ready for danger. ‘What is it?’ Kel asked, also in a whisper.

‘Unicorns.’

‘YOU’RE SURE?’ KEL WHISPERED.

‘This nose never lies,’ Ros replied.

‘How far away?’

‘A hundred feet. Maybe less. There are two of them. They must have… That’s strange. They must have come back south. I thought all the unicorns were travelling north?’

As strange as that may or may not have been, Kel didn’t think there was time to discuss it right then. They were all huddled in a party conference. ‘Right,’ he said. ‘Me and Rach will take point. Ros and AC, you follow behind, but keep hidden. We don’t know what kind of mood these ’corns might be in, or why they came back, but things might get ugly. Got it?’

Rachel stared at him. ‘Take point? You mean go in front?’

Kel looked a little embarrassed. ‘Um, yeah. I heard it in a movie. I thought it sounded cool. Does it?’

‘No,’ she replied. ‘Okay, we’ll go in front. Ros, AC, you ready?’

‘Ready!’ said Assorted Colors. He pulled a weapon of sorts from somewhere about his person, and swung up onto Ros’s back with a ‘Hooah!’

‘Jesus AC,’ Rachel said. ‘What the hell is that thing?’

‘What?’ he asked, looking at the weapon in his hand. ‘This? It’s a razor blade melted into a toothbrush handle.’

‘Wow. Okay. I just never realized you’d been in prison. And “hooah”? Really? Can we just can it with all the army crap? That’d be great. C’mon. Let’s go.’

Rachel and Kel made their way stealthily across the clearing and through the bushes. When they’d got about 20 feet, Ros and AC started to follow. ‘Do you mind not doing that?’ Ros hissed. AC was kicking his sides like a jockey.

‘Sorry. Got a bit carried away.’

They heard the unicorns before they saw them. The creatures were, let’s say… ‘gassy’. Must have been the diet of garbage. Rachel and Kel crouched down and peered through the bush they were using for cover. [Sorry Rachel. I meant ‘hiding behind’. —Narrator] Ros had been right. There were two of them, grazing on something out of their sight. Maybe that was a good thing. Kel had also been right. These definitely weren’t the kind of unicorns Rachel had been thinking about.

The two beasts—and beasts was a very good word for them—looked, at first glance, like regular horses. BIG ones. Have you ever seen the Budweiser Clydesdales? They were about that size, but not nearly as pretty. And they weren’t the storybook white. One was piebald, and the other a mottled gray. Their coats were long and shaggy; their manes and tails matted. There was dirt and mud and… other things on their flanks. And as previously mentioned, they were a little gassy. Remember earlier in the book, when I told you that I could smell as well as see what was going on? And you were all jealous? Well, this is the part where you wouldn’t be.

None of those things was all that bad though, compared to the horns. Rachel couldn’t see them until one of the creatures lifted its head to look around. Firstly, it’s worth mentioning the eyes. The eyes were bloodshot and watery, like they were infected. But the horn… was nothing at all like Rachel had expected. It was short, and very thick, and came to a mean point. It was almost exactly like a rhino’s horn. Just on a horse.

Nearly as bad as the horn were the teeth. When the unicorn that was looking around whinnied, Rachel got a good look at the vicious yellow fangs in its mouth. She shivered. ‘Are… are they dangerous?’ she whispered to Kel.

He looked at her in surprise, then back at the unicorns. ‘What do
you
think?’ Rachel felt a little dumb for asking. Kel turned back to her. ‘Sorry. I mean, they can be. Not always. They certainly have the weaponry to do you a lot of damage if they want. But they won’t normally hurt you for no reason. They’re incredibly stupid animals. And they only eat garbage. That’s all they care about, really. So unless you provoke them, or they’re already in a bad mood, or you smell like garbage, you should be okay.’

Rachel nodded and turned back to look at the animals. Despite how scared she was, she giggled. Kel looked at her with a questioning raised eyebrow. ‘Assorted Colors is screwed then,’ she whispered, and Kel had to stifle a laugh too. She looked back to the unicorns and spotted something strange. ‘Wait a minute,’ she said, squinting to look closer, ‘they’re tied to that tree. Why are they tied up?’

Kel craned his neck to see. She was right. There was a heavy rope around each of the beasts’ necks. That definitely shouldn’t be. He looked around the rest of the clearing but could see no signs of anyone else. He frowned. Something was up. ‘I don’t like the look of this,’ he whispered to his friend, and she nodded in agreement. ‘In fact it looks like a trap.’ She nodded again. ‘And I hate to split up, but I think the best thing to do is check the perimeter of this clearing. If someone
is
lying in wait, if we both move together, and they hear us, they might take off. But if we’re going opposite directions around the circle, one of us will definitely run into them. What do you think?’

Rachel’s heart was pounding, but she knew Kel was right. She nodded with grim determination. She guessed she was about to be baptized by fire. Kel nodded also, pointed for her to go one way, and turned to go the other. ‘Wait!’ she hissed, and he turned back. Rachel flung her arms around her friend’s neck and hugged him hard. Though surprised, Kel squeezed back just as tight. He felt a lump in his throat. They broke, tried to give each other confident smiles, and went their separate ways.

***

El was stalking around the stone corridors of the Overlords’ castle, looking for a phone. He was muttering under his breath. ‘Yes, my Lord. No, my Lord. Anything my Lord wants. Filthy mules…’ He’d show them. As soon as he had the Retriever of Sin, he wouldn’t have to kiss their fat white asses anymore. He made a disgusted grunt as he stepped over a pile of unicorn manure, highlighted in relief by flaming torches. That was another thing. For all the heirs and graces the Overlords put on, they were just a bunch of farmyard animals. But still, he needed them for now.

He was a little worried about the way that one had drooled over the humans in the globe. He knew they wanted to invade Rachel’s world, but hadn’t really thought about why. Was it really about eating people? He knew the wild unicorns in Altworld ate garbage, but from what he’d just seen in the throne room, it looked like the Overlords had slightly different tastes.

Still, it mattered not; he had made the deal and would stick to it. As long as they came through with their end of the bargain and delivered Rachel and Kel, and he got the dimension device, he would open up a portal to the world. They could eat all the humans they wanted.
Then
he could move onto the main part of his plan. He would kill the Safeguarder right away. Or let the unicorns have him. That would be sweet; having little Rachel watch while her precious Kel was eaten alive. Then he and the girl would go take care of that other small matter…

He stopped his daydreaming when he came across an old English phone box. The red booth looked out of place in an ancient stone hall of a castle, but compared to some of the other things he’d seen in Altworld, this was positively normal. He pulled open the heavy metal door and stepped inside.

Lifting the receiver, he dialed a number from a grubby old business card he pulled out of his pocket. A voice on the other end of the line said, ‘The law offices of Turtle and McKitten.’

These were the ‘other resources’ he had told the Overlords about. Maybe he had overplayed their menace a little. Still, in Altworld, as in the real world, if you wanted someone found, get lawyers on it. ‘Yes,’ he said to the receptionist, ‘I need you to find and serve a Hero. She has something that belongs to me…’

***

Back in the forest, Pig-boy was falling asleep at his post. They’d been waiting hours for the Hero party to arrive, and his eyelids were getting heavy. AND he hadn’t eaten in almost two hours, which made him grumpy. Just as his eyes were about to close for good, a little rustle and the snapping of a twig made his ears prick up. Was it Toby or Ratboy, coming to check up on him? He remained perfectly still where he sat with his back against a tree. It was probably this that caused Rachel not to see him.

Rachel’s heart was beating like crazy as she made her way as quietly as possible through the bushes surrounding the clearing. She’d had to stop once or twice to wipe nervous sweat from her eyes. This Hero stuff was killing her. She crept to the edge of the undergrowth, to catch her breath and also make sure the unicorns hadn’t moved. Nope. Still there. She’d made it almost a third of the way around the circle now, and had seen nothing. Very soon she’d run into Kel coming in the opposite direction. Maybe there was no one lying in wait for them?