quintessence. (4 page)

My grandma used to sew pockets as gifts for others. It was a strange creative endeavor she would do. They weren’t pockets in pants, but little pouches. Seeing Maggie in the waiting room brought the pockets to mind. The pieces of my internal pocket waiting to be sewn together have haunted me. They just waited there, watching and wondering when I would make things right. But, once I saw her, an imagined needle began to thread in preparation of sewing a pocket.

I dove into my thoughts as I always did. I look at them, examine them, as if written on pieces of paper, just like the other part of my grandmother’s gifts. When I saw them that way, they made more sense. They were tangible.

My heart tore the same way as my thoughts. The way to put it back was to help others. Sometimes it was just a smile or a bracelet, like for the older woman at the hospital—gifts. They were similar to what my grandmother had done, but Maggie and her family needed more.

She wasn’t the same girl I met at the Christmas party last year. As much as I hated her love of her job, I missed seeing the passion in her eyes. Every time I had seen her since the party, her eyes held that fire and determination.

Now, she resembled a beaten horse.

I laughed to myself as I thought that. She wasn’t a beaten horse; she was a wild animal. Her entire world had shaken, and she didn’t know where she fit.

“So I want to ask something. You can answer if you choose, but sometimes putting it out there helps. Do they have any idea what’s happening?” I asked.

Maggie put a peanut in her mouth, shell and all. She chewed it up and swallowed it. “I shouldn’t have done that, but oh well,” she said before taking a drink of her beer. “They aren’t sure what’s going on with me. My shit’s all fucked up and they don’t know why. When I say shit, I mean my literal shit.”

“Maggie!” her mother yelled.

“Sorry, he asked. I won’t sugar coat it. I’m a twenty-three-year-old woman and I’ve had most of the tests that people in their sixties have had. I had a colonoscopy—neither of you has even had that,” she said looking between her parents. “That was fun. You know why he said my bowels are messed up?” I shook my head in response to her question but kept my focus on her. Her embarrassment was palpable, but I didn’t let it drive me away. “He said because I must’ve received trauma to my fucking rectum and the truth would come out at some point. He told me that in front of my parents. I’m sorry, but that’s something I think I’d remember. Asshole. So yeah, I have that going on, my foot is jacked up, and I can’t stand on my tiptoes. Now my fucking hand keeps going numb, but they can't tell me why. They keep passing me to one another, trying to figure shit out. That’s all I know. Does that answer your question?”

“Yep, it does.” I didn’t acknowledge what she tried to traumatize me with. From what I know of Toby, he wouldn’t take that information well. But I wasn’t Toby. I’ve seen men piss their pants—a girl having legitimate issues out of her control didn’t faze me.

“So what do you do now?” I asked.

She furrowed her brow at me. Yeah, she expected me to be shocked by her. That was her normal—everyone looking at her as if she were a science experiment gone wrong. I wouldn’t give her that.

She toyed with the peanut in her hand before looking back up at me. “Now, I wait longer. I follow up next week with the neurologist.”

“What are you doing in the meantime?” I asked.

She looked between her parents with a questioning expression as if they had the answer for her. They had been watching our conversation. It was like a chaperoned date.

She laughed to herself.

“What’s so funny, Maggie?” my dad asked.

“Oh, nothing. In the meantime, I just go through each day and measure time by hitting the ‘
continue watching
’ button on Netflix when asked,
‘are you still watching yada yada yada’
,” she said with a smirk.

I tilted my head to the side. “You need to show me that sometime.”

“Netflix?” Maggie asked on a laugh.

“Yes, I don’t know if I’ve watched it long enough for that button to pop up,” I said.

“You don’t know what you’re missing.” She popped another peanut in her mouth.

“Well, how about you show me the button, and I will show you something I measure time by?” I asked her.

“Deal,” she said. “I’ve nothing else going on right now. I’m on leave from work for a few more weeks.”

“Why are you on leave?” I asked.

“Because I broke down at work and that concerned them. They said I needed a break. I think they just didn’t want to see me anymore. It was like I was this walking example of our own imminent demise. They didn’t want to think about that while trying to make money. I think it was because they realized how fleeting it all is. They don’t want to remember that the entire job is bullshit. You know, what you said last year is true. My job is bullshit. It doesn’t mean a god damned thing.”

“Maggie!” her mom yelled again. “You should not speak that way.”

“Whatever, mom. I don’t think he cares if I swear.”

I didn’t understand why I would care. I heard her dad and mom both swear earlier in the waiting room. I wondered why they would care now. Then I realized she said god. It wasn’t me but the
he
she referred to.

“You have to give it meaning, Maggie,” I said, trying to steer the conversation away from religion. That wasn’t something I wanted to get into with her parents.

“If you say so,” Maggie said.

The waitress came with our garbage can lids. Rebecca’s eyes grew wide when the server set hers in front of her. “These were always plates, right?” she asked.

“Yes, ma’am. Does anyone need anything else?” the waitress asked.

“I’ll have another beer, please,” Maggie said as she pushed her glass to the edge of the table.

“Maggie, you shouldn’t avoid things,” her dad said.

“I’m not avoiding, Dad. I’m embracing this shit. I could be dying. I could have something serious going on with me—at least give me a couple days to pretend it isn’t happening.”

Her dad looked at me and then her mom. He pulled his lip in and sighed. “I’m going to the restroom,” he said.

“I think I need to use the restroom, too,” her mom said, and took her father’s hand as they both walked toward the back of the building.

“So I understand the need to not think about it,” I said. “I mean who would want to. Jameson is good for that.”

“That’s whiskey, right?” she asked.

“Yes, it is.”

“Okay, will you drink Jameson with me later?” she asked.

I laughed. “I suppose we can.”

“Okay. I have to get away from my parents. I need to be my old self for a while. Having them here is out of the norm and it is fucking with me. I need to forget this is going on. I need my normal.”

“When is Toby coming back?” I asked. I couldn’t believe he wasn’t here for her. I know he has some social issues, but his girlfriend is going through something. He should be here.

“I don’t know. He’s off finding himself, as I’m sure you know. He took some kind of sabbatical or whatever the hell you’d call it from working as a teacher at a catholic school. But yeah, he’s gone for now. Not sure when he’ll be back. I haven’t spoken to him in over two months.”

The waitress came back with Maggie’s drink and she set the bill on the table. I checked it and set the cash on it.

“Thank you, keep the change,” I said.

“My parents wanted to pay,” Maggie said after taking a drink of her beer. Neither of us had touched our food.

She ate some fries, but left the ribs.

“I know, but I wanted to more. I have this thing where I have to pay the first time I eat dinner with someone.”

“That’s not true,” she said with a laugh as I ate my own fries.

“Yes, it is.” I took a bite of my sandwich.

“So you paid for Blake and Gabe? Toby even?” she asked.

“Yes, I did. Why is that hard to believe?” I set my sandwich down and leaned back in my chair. I smiled at her as I crossed my arms.

“I don’t know. I thought you were…”

“Poor?” I asked with a laugh. She nodded. “Yeah, I get that a lot. I’m not poor. I just don’t value the same things most people do.”

She looked to the window and pulled her lips in. “I can see that.”

We sat in silence as she drank and I ate. I wondered what was taking her parents so long.

They both stepped from the back hallway at the same time and Maggie saw them when I did. She tipped her glass up and drank the rest of her beer.

“I need to use the restroom now. Can you get a bag for this?” she asked as she waved her hand over her plate.

She left the table without hearing my response. When she passed her parents, her mom said something to her, and Maggie lifted her hand to silence her in response.

Her parents returned to the table and took their seats in as deep of a silence as Maggie and I had shared while she drank.

“I don’t know what to do for her,” her mother said, and I could tell she had been crying. “I didn’t want to go through this again. I mean, just last year we went through it with Henry. Sure, he wasn’t the nicest guy, but he was family.”

“Don’t say that, Rebecca. This is not about something terminal. We just don’t know what it is,” James said.

“What are they thinking?” I asked.

“They won’t say for sure. No one will tell us anything. It’s just like we’re circling wagons, running around, not going anywhere,” Rebecca said. “Okay, she’s coming back now. We aren’t talking about this. Change the subject, James.”

“The best concert I ever went to would have to be U2. Do you ever listen to them, Karl?” he asked.

I had to laugh. They must’ve done this several times before. James didn’t miss a beat.

“I can’t say I’ve seen them live, but I listen to them. My favorite song they did was with Johnny Cash.
The Wanderer
.”

“Oh yeah, I agree. That’s a great one.”

“We ready?” Maggie asked. I waved to the waitress and pointed at our lids. She grabbed a couple boxes and came to our table with them.

“Can we get the check, please?” James asked. The waitress gave me a questioning expression.

“It’s already taken care of—my treat,” I said.

“Oh, okay,” James said, shocked.

“Yep, let’s go,” Maggie said. “Is your car at the hospital?” she asked me.

“No, my car is at Gabe’s I think. Yeah, that’s the last time I drove it,” I said, picking up her box and mine.

“I want to go home and change,” she said to her parents as she dropped her napkin on the table.

“Do you need to get dropped somewhere Karl?” Maggie asked me.

“Yeah, you can drop me at Pike’s house.”

__________

“So you’re hanging out with one of your best friend’s girlfriend?” Pike asked.

“Yes, but it’s not like that. We just ran into each other and I’m helping her get through some things. There isn’t anything funny about it. Her parents were there,” I said.

“But, will her parents be with you at Gabe’s?” he asked.

I laughed. “No, but Gabe will be there.”

Pike laughed. “Like Gabe is a good chaperone.”

“Chaperone? If you’re that concerned, why don’t you come with me?” I asked with a grin.

“Sure. I’m betting I would be the life of the party.” He snorted, taking a seat on his couch and flipping through television channels. He stopped on a cartoon.

“It’s not a party. She’s going through some heavy stuff and trying to sort out her thoughts. She just wants to not think. I can understand that,” I said.

“Can’t we all? We’ve all been there at some point. Part of me thinks I should envy those that have never experienced shit in life, but then I remember that the shit in life is what has polished me. Some think of the shit as breaking you down, but it refines you, makes you sharper.”

“I agree. Whatever this is that she is going through has her wound even tighter,” I said. “But, I’m heading out and I’m crashing at Gabe’s tonight, so don’t wait up, okay Pops?”

“Don’t freakin’ call me that. I’m no one’s Pops.” He rested his head on the back of the couch and kicked his feet up on the coffee table.

“Then I must be no one.” I winked.

I left his house and began my ten block hike to Gabe’s. I never took the bus or a taxi. I walked so much when I was overseas, I couldn’t just ride.

I was grateful for every step I took. I needed to be for Jackson. It was because of him I could walk this distance. It was a simple choice he made that put him in the wheelchair and not me. So with every fall of my feet, I thanked him and I thanked the universe. I cherished my life.

My phone rang, and I knew by
The Walking Dead
theme song playing it was Hannah. My heart grew when I heard that song.

“Hannah!” I said as I answered the call.

“Maggie!” she said in response.

“I’m so happy to hear your voice. I miss your face like hell,” I said. Hannah was my best friend and we had been through a great deal together. Her absence wasn’t a shock—she started her life with Wynn. They had a child now. I understood she needed her time.

“I miss yours too. What’re you doing tonight? We have a sitter. Petra and Sid are watching Smee for us. I need to see adults. I’d prefer adults ready to drink and dance,” Hannah said.

“Well, then you need to come to Gabe’s. I told him I was coming over to drink Jameson with him and Karl.”

Hannah laughed. “First, Jameson? Second—how did Karl get involved in this?”

“I ran into him at the hospital today when I was there for my MRI. He went to lunch with me and the parents. I drank some beer; he told me Jameson was better, so I want to drink some.”

“Well, okay then. What time?” she asked.

“I’m getting ready to shower, try to make myself presentable, and then I’m heading over.”

“You want us to pick you up?” she asked. “I’d like to see Aunt Rebecca and Uncle James.”

“Oh, that would be divine. I thought of having them drive me over,” I laughed.

“Okay, we will see you tout de suite,” she said. “I love you, Mags.”

“I love you, too.”

I sighed after ending the call. I focused on my reflection and the feet that failed to listen.

Lift.

Lift.

Lift.

No matter how many times I told my feet to do it, they didn’t listen, and it pissed me off.

I pulled my jeans from the closet and found a tee shirt in my drawer. I would dress somewhat respectable, but not go overboard.

I showered as fast as possible. I used to take long showers; now I needed to speed through them. I didn’t want to look too long at the body that betrayed me.

When I finished, I dressed and returned to my room. I sat on the floor in front of my mirror and studied my face. The longer I stared, the more disconnected I grew. My body—the cage— trapped me and ignored my pleas to be freed.

People always say it’s all in your head and how we think about things. If you think you’re defeated, then you’re defeated. Fucking defeated was a great description of me now. I wasn’t strong enough to believe I could achieve anything more. So, my own demise was my fault on both fronts. The body betrayed me and now my own will did.

But, I refused to look like shit tonight as I spiraled into oblivion. I threw the tee shirt off and grabbed one of my nicer shirts—a tank top with flowers and lace. It flowed just right and reminded me of happy days on my aunt’s farm with Hannah and Lily when we were kids.

Those were the best times. We dreamed of being something and I became something. I had the job I always wanted, and I needed to remember that. I will get back to that job. This is just a stepping stone.

See, I could be determined. Maybe my will is still there?

I combed through my hair and left it down for a change. I worked hard to get it to this length. Okay, maybe I didn’t work hard. I just let it grow and forgot to make appointments to cut it.

I brushed my bangs down. They now came to my chin and the rest of my hair fell past my shoulders to the center of my back. I grabbed a pair of scissors to give myself a trim.

I laughed when I finished. My bangs were too short and choppy. But, they were me in this moment and I liked them.

I finished my makeup just as a knock sounded at my door.

I stood to run to the door and my foot gave out on me as I stepped. I fell into the door frame of my bedroom and my dad and mom came running. “I’m fine. My foot’s just asleep.” I lied.

I needed to see Hannah.

I opened the door to her and Wynn. She pulled me into her and squeezed me in the way I always loved. She knew how to hug me. I cried because I didn’t realize how much I missed her until that moment. My tears fell and she didn’t hide from them. She held me as I once held her. We stood there, holding each other. I was her strength once and in her unquestioning embrace, she was now mine.

“It feels so good to see your face,” I said into her shoulder.

“Well, you haven’t seen it much,” Wynn said with a laugh. He ran his hand down my back and I loved it. I loved them.

“I saw it, though,” I said as I dropped my hug with her and pulled Wynn in for one. “I missed both of you.”

“We missed you, too,” Wynn said. He let go of the hug. I knew he wouldn’t hold it long. It was just his way. “So what’s this I hear about Gabe and Jameson?” he asked.

“Karl said I need to try it, so I figured what better night than tonight.”

“I will abstain, but you guys can knock yourselves out. Which I think is what will happen with you and Hannah.”

“Oh, shut it mister,” Hannah said with a kiss to his cheek. She took my hand and pulled me back into the apartment. “Where are my aunt and uncle?”

“In here,” my mom said from Hannah’s old room.

We walked into the room, and Hannah jumped on the bed and settled down between my parents.

“Do you remember the time we had a sleepover, and we watched
Friday the 13th
? You two woke up in the morning with me lying just like this,” Hannah said before she folded herself into the fetal position between them.

“Yes, we remember that, Hannah. You were there, and Lily and Maggie were at our feet like little puppies,” my mom said.

Wynn laughed. “Is this what we have to look forward to if we have a girl someday?” he asked.

“Yes, that’s what you have to look forward to. Also, the teenage years and puberty are hell. They were some of the darkest days for me,” my dad said.

“Whatever, Dad,” I said. “Mom, did you see where I put my flats?”

“Yeah, they are in the living room behind the couch. You threw them the other day in one of your fits,” she said, giving Hannah a knowing look.

“She threw shoes in anger?” Hannah asked as she sat up in bed. She crossed her ankles and leaned against the headboard, mimicking my parents.

“Yes, she did. It pissed her off that they are the only ones other than her slipper boots she can wear.”

“Enough, Mom. I don’t want to talk about that now.”

I walked into the living room to put on my shoes. I knew Hannah and my mom were discussing the throwing of my shoes, and I didn’t want to see their expressions.

Wynn came into the living room behind me.

He remained silent. I loved him all the more for it. He walked to my bookshelf and picked up my wooden music box.

“I never noticed this before,” he said.

“It wasn’t here before. My mom brought it with her. She used to play it for me when I was little—to put me to sleep. I still get drowsy when I hear it now,” I said as I pushed the couch out from the wall farther so I could walk behind it to get my shoes.

“May I wind it up?” he asked.

“Is putting me to sleep your intention?” I asked, and we both laughed.

“You’re too wired to sleep,” he said.

“You’re right.”

He wound the box and
Over the Rainbow
played. He set it on the shelf as Hannah entered the room. She smiled down at me and put her hand out as she sang along with it.

“Dance with me, cousin.”

I shook my head. I didn’t want to dance. Even attempting to play dance reminded me of how my legs no longer listened.

“Okay, your loss,” she said as she turned to Wynn. He stood with the usual Wynn stiffness as she sang to him and lifted his hands, moving around him. He twirled her every so often as he smiled at her.

Their love had deepened since last I saw them. The birth of Smee had tightened their already strong bond. Wynn remained true to himself—but where I once saw walls, he now had up boundaries that could be passed through with ease. He was no longer impenetrable and my cousin had everything to do with it. But, he gave her something in return as well.

Hannah had let go of the pain she carried for the last few years. The burden had lifted and she was free. Wynn liberated her.

“Thank you, Wynn,” I said and he gave me a questioning look as I smiled.

I finished putting my shoes on and stood from the couch.

“Damn it, I missed you,” I said putting my hand toward Hannah to take. She gave me her usual Hannah smile, before she dipped me and kissed my cheek.

“Not half as much as I missed you,” she said on a laugh. “Let’s go, shall we? I told Wynn I was on a date with you this evening.”

“Yes, she did,” Wynn said as he opened the door and we left the apartment.

“Love you lots,” I yelled to my parents.

“And we love you, sweetie,” my mom said.

I shut the door and faced the stairs. They were an endless stream of fear. But, my will was stronger than them. It had to be. I took the first step down and felt the tightness in my calves and ignored it. If I couldn’t control it, I’d just ignore it until it became habit and white noise. Ignoring it made it bearable—out of sight out of mind. Out of thought, it doesn’t exist anymore.

__________

“Maggie, your bangs are amazing,” Gabe said as he opened the door and pulled me in for a hug.

“Thank you,” I said as I dropped the hug. “I cut them myself.”

He jerked his head back in surprise. “Okay?” he said in confusion.

“Yep, now what are we up to tonight?” I asked, stepping into his apartment and ignoring his reaction.

Blake stood from the couch with a woman who was about the same height as me. I loved her just by her demeanor alone. “Maggie, this is Brecken. I don’t think you two have met yet.”

“No, we haven’t. But, Gabe and Hannah have told me about you,” I said as I pulled her in for a hug. “It’s nice to meet you.”

She laughed a loud, full laugh that made me feel the same warmth my close friends brought with them. “Yes, it’s nice to meet you too, Maggie. I’ve heard a lot about you.”

“Why’d we take so long to meet then? I love the fact you make me feel less alone around all these tall people,” I said.

Karl walked from the back of Gabe’s apartment and smiled when he saw me. There was that warmth again. “I’m not that tall either,” he said as he smiled at me and pulled me in for a hug.

It was the second time he hugged me and it felt like the most natural thing in the world. There was nothing to it but a deep friendship and bond. I didn’t know what the bond was, but it began when he found me in that waiting room. “Thank you,” I whispered into his neck.

He turned his chin to my ear. “Are you thanking me for not being as tall as the rest of them?”

I laughed. “Well yes, thank you for that and for being there today. You didn’t have to do it, and it meant more because you wanted to.”

“You’re welcome,” he whispered and kissed my temple before letting me go. I paused for a moment, my hands on his arms and let the peaceful feeling pass through me.

Everyone in the room stared at us. Twin smiles formed on Hannah and Brecken. They looked at each other and then back toward me, the smiles staying in place.

I shook my head. I knew what they were thinking, and they were wrong. Karl was my friend. I think he was one of my closest and our friendship formed only today. I smiled to myself— I think it began last winter when he didn’t hold back telling me his thoughts about my job.

“Let’s begin, shall we?” I asked.

“I need to pump first,” Hannah said as she grabbed the black bag from Wynn. “You ladies want to keep me company?” she asked.

I laughed. “For real?”

“Yes, it’s funny to watch,” Brecken said. “But let’s get a drink first. We’ll hold yours for you, Hannah, while we wait,” she said with a wink. I liked her.

We poured three shots of whiskey and followed Hannah into Gabe’s bedroom.

“This is weird, Hannah,” I said, as she turned on the machine and resembled a milk cow.

“This isn’t weird, Mags. This is natural.”

“Hooking up to a machine and pumping milk out of your breasts is natural?” I asked with a laugh.

“Well no, but breast milk is.”

“Whatever,” I said with my eyebrows raised.

“Okay, what should we drink to?” Brecken asked. “Wait, first I have to ask what the hug with Karl was. Because it was one of the cutest damn things I’ve seen in a while.” Her voice was amazing. I always enjoyed hearing women with raspy voices.

“It was what it was. He’s a good friend,” I said.

“Okay, to good friends then,” Brecken said as she raised her shot.

I raised mine and drank it at the same time as her.

I coughed from downing it. “Holy shit that burns,” I said through my coughing fit.

There was a knock at the door. “Are you guys okay in there?” Gabe asked.